They say, 'Out of sight is out of mind',
but in every face it is you who I find,
I wonder if you missed me the way I did,
uh-Oh my heart's wandering to that old shit,
The nights became dull,
I sat in a corner idle,
Deep hollow let in, chest felt heavy,
and I screamed out of agony.
At present things are gaiety the way they are,
being single-pringle has been so good so far,
When I needed you, you weren't there,
but my Lord was, He came for my care,
I endured His warm presence around me,
drifting apart from all the affliction, I set myself free.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
'Ello mate, Eternity here.
So I really like the way you wrote this poem, and you portray an excellent description of "scenery" so to speak.
The way you wrote this is definitely a style I love, and it's a way I've never really seen before.
I don't have any suggestions besides rhyme schemes. I see it, but some words such as these lines:
Dull and Idle don't really rhyme, although it fairly fits due to the sound of the "d".
Anyway, keep up the good work.
Spoiler
Hehehe, that's great!
Thanks for the review!
Hello!
AWESOME!
I really appreciate the way this poem has been written.
In fact i suggest you can actually make a song out of this. Just a few more lines and a catchy refrain, and there you are writing lyrics! XD
*That's just a suggestion as your poem flows on tongue just like butter on bread.
I don't have much than words of respect and treasure for this work.
Except, I would like you to add a link between the second last and last couplet.
Because the shift in scenario is so abrupt that it breaks all the flow.
Lastly, too good mate, keep going despite the stones and if you don't have them on your way right now then be ready for them as stones always come before success and you are just a bit away from being a successful poet!
Hope my review helps, and if it didn't then please help me the make my reviews helpful!
Loves..
H
I am here to give you a review.
To start off I want to say that I really enjoyed this, and also I have to say that you have great potential, I love how effortless you made this poem seem.
Now I do love how you chose to make the inner thoughts of the persona in italics, it made things clear and it also gave a deeper meaning to the poem, as in it gave a clearer picture as to what the theme is about. The theme is obviously on separation from a loved one, and religion. I love the way you managed to transition from one theme to another so gently and flawlessly.
I do have one thing I want to talk about, the rhyme scheme. The words 'dull' and 'idle' dont really match (or rather rhyme) however, the heavy 'd' sound they created together really helped the tone in the poem, as it emphasized the darkness of the night and the darkness of the situation as a whole. This was even more brilliant and clear when you mentioned Him (as he is usually considered as light)
Overall, bravo! I think I have found my favorite poet in YWS.
I am so following you.
~RS
Heyyy RadiantShadow!
This made my day!! Thanks a ton!!
On my way to your portfolio!