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Seaside Serenity

by Arzoo

Post my results, we went to a beach,

I whizzed ahead beyond people's reach.

Walking bare foot, I passed by the coconut trees,

and sniffed the smell of warm sea breeze.

As soon as I splashed the salty sea water on my sis, she scooted away from me,

leaving behind foot prints on the sand near the Sapphire sea.

Going ahead, I stood there with my eyes closed,

drifting apart from all the troubles, I rose.

Only God knows how felicitous I felt keeping every thought aside,

my mind eminently felt light.

Whooshing waves hurriedly squished between my toes,

I went deeper into the rushing water rows.

Waves suddenly took hold of me and seeing it SO near,

I quickly jumped out of fear.

We then threw pebbles into the sea,

but were distracted by a fragile little flea.

The glorious sun sank as it said goodbye,

shades of yellow, orange and pink flowed across the sky.

Sound of waves kept whispering our ears,

while our scarfs played with the veers.

The birds soared high returning to their nests,

so did we, walking abreast.

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284 Reviews

Points: 4250
Reviews: 284

Tue Apr 19, 2016 4:54 pm
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RubyRed wrote a review...

Wow, Arzoo. This was very nice. I loved reading this it was like I was there myself. I began to feel all the things you felt. I really don't have any criticism for this it was just really pretty. My favorite lines were:

Sound of waves kept whispering our ears,

Our scarfs played with the veers,

The birds soared high returning to their nests,

So did we, walking abreast.

Well, sorry I could be of help to you but I guess praise will encourage you to write more. Keep writing so I can keep reviewing! I hope you enjoy the site. :)


Arzoo says...

I'm greatly delighted to know you liked the first work. Your appreciation has encouraged me:) Thanks!! ^_^

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77 Reviews

Points: 304
Reviews: 77

Tue Apr 19, 2016 11:21 am
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MemoryHunter wrote a review...


I'm sorry if my review will be a little bit stupid because I've been staring at the computer now for about 10 hours. (We have a computer shop and I'm the one supervising it right now, so I have to sit in front of a head ache-inducing screen.)

First of all, I recognized that you have familiarized yourself with the Poetry Formatting! That's awesome! (Perhaps you have dealt with HTML before? If so, I am interested because I love coding languages.)

I'll go through this chronologically.

Post my results; we went to a beach,
The first line in a poem is supposed to be striking and interesting to attract readers. This one didn't stood out that much compared to other lines, so I feel that you should reword this or change this up. Also, post my results can be a little bit confusing to readers. Is it like, after the results of your examination, you went to the beach? Plus, I think that most writers often commit this mistake, but I must notify you about it.

Punctuation isn't much considered grave or important in poetry, and neither is grammar, however I like to point out the correct way of using semi colons. Semi colons separate two sentences with different but relating ideas. Basically, it separates sentences, not phrases, or not dependent clauses. So to find out if you're doing it correctly, read "post my results" and "we went to a beach". Are they both sentences when separated? If post my results is an imperative sentence, which I doubt, then it's okay. Though I believe what you meant here was "after my results" as post can also mean the preposition "after".

So if it is incorrect (your way of using the semi colon here), you can change the semi colon into a comma. ^-^


Remember when I said that I felt uncomfortable discussing grammar in poetry? Well...

Passing by the coconut trees; I sniffed the smell of warm sea breeze,
this is also an incorrect use of the semi colon, though you can choose whether you want to edit it out or not. You can also change the semi colon into a comma.

Post my results; we went to a beach,

I whizzed ahead beyond people's reach.

Passing by the coconut trees; I sniffed the smell of warm sea breeze,

The Sapphire sea embraced us with its arms extended wide.

The last line of this stanza disrupts the flow of the poem. I think. Yes, it absolutely does. Perhaps you can rephrase it? The rhythm is off there. Also, the rhyming scheme is inconsistent somehow. You rhymed with the first line and the second, but with the third and the fourth it goes away. There's no rules in poetry, but consistency is a pro tip. xD So the last line actually throws away the consistent rhyming scheme.

I also noticed that you put in a semi colon there in the third line probably to fit in with the last line of this stanza, right? Since the last line is that long. But for me, that ruins the flow that you have introduced with the first two lines. Personally, the last line is really something that disrupts the balance with this. Though the descriptions you have laid out there is cooling and amazing.

As soon as I splashed the salty sea water on my sis,

She scooted away from me leaving behind foot prints,
I notice that you're going with an informal poem here, so I felt that capitalization in the first letter of every line is weird. I like to use that capitalization scheme only when the poem feels arcane or antique or something like that. I felt that proper capitalization here is more appropriate. (By proper capitalization, I mean capitalizing the first letter of a word that follows a period or a proper noun.)

Also, it might be better for the flow if you add a comma between "me" and "leaving" so it looks like this: "She scooted away from me, leaving behind footprints." (Plus, it should be a full stop/period after footprints, not a comma, I think.)

Correcting your mistakes on the semi colon thing, I think you can figure out the rest of the problems underlying your utilization of the semi colon ^-^.

Now, to the poem as a whole.

The details are good, and it promises us scenery and imagery. You remind me of a fellow YWSer who is sadly inactive now. However, the problem here is you let the rhyming get the better of you. It's inconsistent because some parts rhyme, some parts do not. Also, it feels like due to the rhyming, you can't find better words or you can't make better lines. An example of this would be: "We then threw pebbles into the sea,

Locating who's pebble led and unluckily it was always she."

She is uncomfortable here because I figured that your poem was more informal and contemporary than not. Ending the line with a she instead of a her is indicating that your poem has that "old" feeling in it, which is not the case.

You might also want to consider reading your poem out loud, just to see the rhythm and if it's fine. Sometimes your rhythm in lines are off.

All in all, this was a refreshing poem with promising imagery, but I feel that you could do more with this and that you should enhance your voice/writing style even more. Right now it's very raw and needs improvement, and I can't guarantee a happy ending, but I know that if you work hard to write, you'll end up just fine. ^-^

Don't get discouraged, and just continue to write. I did that, and it all worked out. Well, I'm still practicing after all these years, and I won't stop.

I hope to read more of your works, and as always, HAPPY WRITING~ o3o

Arzoo says...

Woah! Thanks for spending time in writing this lonnnnnnnng quality reply! Well, I just edited the work right now and you can have glance at it. I've made (at least tried) making the corrections as far as possible. Also, now I have rhymed the poem better than before on your say!:)

P.S: I'm glad you found the poem refreshing! *_*

Do just once what others say you can't do, and you will never pay attention to their limitations again.
— James R. Cook