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by AriannaC


I was broken by this world, nothing more than shattered pieces of a being. The lies in my heart were like heavy weights pulling me farther and farther from you, pulling me underwater, drowning me. But you were stronger than the dark force dragging me under, could see through the black waters that were suffocating me with deception and obscuring your love. It wasn't until I was finally ready to stop fighting the inevitable darkness, ready to let it take me away, when you lifted my weights and taught me how to walk on those murky waters with you. "Daughter" you said as you pulled me into your embrace " You will never know how I suffered to save you, the pain I endured to end your's". "W-what do you mean?" I stammered, confused. You opened your hands so that I could see the holes in your palms. Then I noticed the identical ones on your feet, the scar in your side, the scourge marks all over your body, your bloodshot eyes caused by  hours of sobbing and sleeplessness. "Abba, what happened? what did you do?" You embraced me again. " I saved you, child. I've broken down the wall keeping you from me, I died so that you can be mine, so that we will never be apart again".


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Thu Jul 06, 2017 7:50 pm
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Wolfical wrote a review...



Hey there, Arianna! Wow, this is beautiful.

The lies in my heart where like heavy weights

But you where stronger than the dark force

These should both be "were." With the "h," that's referring to location, but without it's the proper past tense plural form of the verb "to be."

Like Carlito said, this needs to be split into separate paragraphs, especially when the main character and Jesus are exchanging dialogue. I'm not sure why it's not working for you. Pressing "enter" should do the trick.

I especially loved this from "Daughter" onward. You did a beautiful job showing Jesus' compassion and all the physical and emotional pain He had to go through to save your soul. I liked how you portrayed yourself as someone who didn't know Him before He came to you - you didn't know about the holes in His hands and feet or the scorches on His body - and I think that's a metaphor for how you came to learn about Him. What I gathered from this is that you were born into a family that was not Christian, or at least a family that didn't teach you much about Christianity, and it took deep and dark depression for you to find Jesus yourself, and learn what He did to save you because He loves you so much. The dialogue is very beautiful.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'd love to hear more of it! :)
Wolfie




AriannaC says...


THANK YOU SO MUCH WOLFIE!!!



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Wed Jul 05, 2017 2:44 am
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Carlito wrote a review...



Hey Arianna!! I picked this out of the green room because I am also a Christian and I love hearing about other people's journeys and stories :D

I think this is a really powerful start! I can tell you're writing from the heart and these words are coming from a very real place, and that's super cool! It can be really tough to be vulnerable enough to write such personal things and get really real like this.

The first thing that jumped out at me, even before I started reading, is that it's all one paragraph. You've got a lot of awesome lines in here and I think you could make some lines more powerful but breaking up this paragraph into multiple paragraphs. The person below me mentioned dialogue and that's one obvious place to break a paragraph up. But, you can also use paragraph breaks to add emphasis. Forget what your English teachers may have told you about paragraphs being 3-5 lines :p That may be true for academic writing, but for personal writing like this, anything goes! Short lines and short paragraphs can add suspense and intrigue and keep a reader reading because it doesn't take as long to get through a sentence or a paragraph.

So for example:

I was broken by this world, nothing more than shattered pieces of a being. The lies in my heart where like heavy weights pulling me farther and farther from you, pulling me underwater, drowning me.

But you where stronger than the dark force dragging me under, could see through the black waters that where suffocating me with deception and obscuring your love. It wasn't until I was finally ready to stop fighting the inevitable darkness, ready to let it take me away, when you lifted my weights and taught me how to walk on those murky waters with you.

"Daughter" you said as you pulled me into your embrace " You will never know how I suffered to save you, the pain I endured to end your's".

"W-what do you mean?" I stammered, confused.

You opened your hands so that I could see the holes in your palms.

Then I noticed the identical ones on your feet, the scar in your side, the scourge marks all over your body, your bloodshot eyes caused by hours of sobbing and sleeplessness.

"Abba, what happened? what did you do?"

You embraced me again.

" I saved you, child. I've broken down the wall keeping you from me, I died so that you can be mine, so that we will never be apart again".

I didn't change a single word, but you see how the spacing can change the whole way someone reads the piece? I put in spacing where it felt natural to me, but experiment to see what feels natural to you!

The only other thing I wanted to mention is that I want a little more. There's this awesome line at the end about dying so the narrator (I'm guessing you) can be saved. What's the reaction to that? How does this narrator feel after hearing that? What does the narrator want to do now? How is this going to change or impact the narrator? You wouldn't have to answer all of these questions, but they might get you thinking :)

I'll leave things there for now! Overall, I liked this piece and I thought it was a cool way to show your faith and your heart! Let me know if you have any questions or if there's something you wanted feedback about that I didn't mention :D




AriannaC says...


How do I break up paragraphs on here? I tried to press enter but that didn't work. Thanks for the Review!



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Wed Jul 05, 2017 1:54 am
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JoeBookman wrote a review...



Hi Arianna! My name's Joe.

This is a powerful piece of work and it carries a lot of spiritual and personal weight to it. It's read as a vision or a dream, but simultaneously as very real to you.

You have just a few minor issues I'll point out here. First, I highly suggest you look into how to format dialogue. You've got a great start, there's just a few little tweaks you could make to be in-line with how it's properly written. Saying "Daughter," instead of "Daughter" (without the comma) and starting a new line with each new speaker, for just a few examples helps readers mentally space the words. You can read more about formatting dialogue here: http://firstmanuscript.com/format-dialogue/

I see only one other issue, which is the use of "your's" when it should just be "yours".

Besides that, I admire your strong imagery and symbolism. You allow the reader a degree of intrigue by describing the figure and not straight up saying it's Jesus Christ. The lies being described as "heavy weights" is impactful.

Good work, and keep writing.




AriannaC says...


Thank you so much!




Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
— Charles Mingus