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Joker Missed - Returned - Chapter 6

by Archangel


Last time-

Joker POV

Thane, being through found out that whoever this guy was, was the one who set off the bomb as well as figured out which way they went. He handed me one piece of paper after his quick report. A plate number.

"Ha Ha Haaaa!"

'You're mine, Doll Face.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Y/N) POV

"That was close." I'm watching the scenery go by as Val unnecessarily speeds down the highway.

"What was close?" I ask, responding to his question.

"Joker's goons are trailing us. He definitely wants you."

"Shall I pop their tires?"

"Sure." He hands me my old mask and a handgun. I get up and move through the hummer till I'm at the back hatch, take a deep breath, then shove the hatch open and take aim.

-BANG-

'one down, three to go.'

-BANG-

'two to go.'

-BANG-

'one.'

-BANG-

I shut the hatch and yell,

"Show me what this baby can do! We're golden!" I hear Val slam the gas pedal to the floor and make my way back up to him. In the matter of a few minutes, we pull into 'The Company's' main HQ. We jump out and start unloading all my stuff to be taken up to my old apartment. I look around after I settled in and sigh in relief. The same as ever. Then I see Val and a few other people playing Champion. I smile. My favorite game.

"Hey! Mind if I join in?" I call out to them, and they wave me over.

'It's good to be home.'


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351 Reviews


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Sun Mar 25, 2018 6:39 am
Kanome wrote a review...



Hello, Archangel. I am here to provide you a review in honor of Review Day. Let's begin, shall we?

Overall Opinion
I enjoyed the action but the chapter itself seemed pretty vague. There was not much detail on the scene itself. It lacks imagery. It's hard to provide my opinion on this because of how short the chapter was. If this sounds harsh, I do apologize. I don't mean to.

Nitpicks and Stuff

In the matter of a few minutes, we pull into 'The Company's' main HQ.


What does the HQ look like on the inside? That would definitely be something your readers want to know if she is going to be there for a while.

'It's good to be home.'


Are you able to express more of how the character feels about being back at her old HQ?

Your character development is vague. I think this chapter to be tweaked and revised...
Other than that, I think @Evander pretty much explained everything.

Conclusion
I do understand that it's probably hard to write scenery and developing characters throughout a novel, but it's something that can help you become a better writer. I hope this review helps! And trust me, I am not attacking you. People get on me about my writing too. Keep up the great work! Can't wait for future chapters.
Keep writing ~

- Kanome




Archangel says...


Does this mean I have to him? He kinda made me pissy.



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Sun Mar 25, 2018 12:39 am
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Evander wrote a review...



Heyo, Archangel! I hope to finish up reviewing Joker Missed before the end of the night!

I know that the last chapter I reviewed was chapter 4, but it seems like the order of the chapters got swapped around a little bit. You might want to edit in an author's note explaining that for future readers.

I think that this fanfic suffers from a lack of description. Sure, clothing is focused on, but the reader is pretty much left to flounder with everything else. Like, description and atmosphere can help a lot with immersing your reader into the world. Having the main character describe the scenery as it goes by can give us an insight into her mental state. Does she use positive adjectives to describe the scenery or are they more negative? It can really influence the tone of your novel.

Breathing emotion into scenes
Here's a good article by Rosendorn on the topic!

Val unnecessarily speeds down the highway.

It's not really unnecessary if they're being chased by Joker's goons. There's a point to be made that the main character (or Macy, as I call her) doesn't know why Val is speeding, but is it really hard to tell that they're being chased by goons? Like, there would be cars speeding behind them. There would be the loud humming of the engines. Can she not look into the mirror to check?

"Joker's goons are trailing us. He definitely wants you."

Once again, why is Joker putting so much time and energy into Macy? He doesn't really know anything about her. They didn't even talk in the club; he just heard her shout something about Gangsta. Like, the Joker is a big fan of schadenfreude and chaos, so I don't understand why he isn't trying to kill her in this big chase.

He hands me my old mask and a handgun.

How did Val have her old mask? Does he just bring it in his car where he goes? What type of mask is it? Is it a masquerade mask? Can she tie it around her face? Is it one of those gas masks? I initially assumed gas mask, but there isn't enough description for the visuals to lean one way or the other.

I get up and move through the hummer

Isn't a bunch of her stuff in the Hummer? (I'm fairly certain Hummer should be capitalized because it's the proper name of the car.) Wouldn't she have to move through a bunch of her stuff? Wouldn't see be squeezing through it? These are all things that you could add to the world and help the reader experience what Macy is feeling in the moment.

If you're really going to have this be a self-insert fanfiction, then immersive description is key. In order to sink into the world, the reader needs to be able to see (feel, taste, touch, listen, etc) what the main character is feeling. I'd even suggestion going into physical sensations with emotions. What does fear feel like for the main character? What does adrenaline feel like for the main character? Does ice shoot through her veins or does her entire body flush?

In the matter of a few minutes, we pull into 'The Company's' main HQ.

So they're close to the HQ? And the Joker's goons are literally minutes away? I'd gander that the Joker's goons would be able to catch up pretty easily.

We jump out and start unloading all my stuff to be taken up to my old apartment.

Macy's old apartment is still available? Wow, I wonder why type of company she works for. Why didn't a new employee move into the apartment? That's just food for thought.

Well, the hype for the plot is still increasing! I hope that you'll keep on writing, Archangel! If you have any questions, then feel free to send them my way. I'm always happy to help!




Archangel says...


Where are you getting 'Macy' from? There is no Macy.



Evander says...


In a previous review, I had stated that I would call the main character (MC) Macy Carter just for fun, haha. It's easier to call her Macy than it is to just say "main character" all the time. However, if you'd like me to continue just referring to her as the main character in future reviews, then I can do that!



Archangel says...


That makes sense. It just confused me because I hadn't read it.



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