Loping gazelle.
Crooked teeth, under bite, heavy-lidded
Blue-grey eyes- your flaws only
Pull you short from intimidation
Instead you are adorable,
And your megawatt smile,
Corners of your mouth unfurling
Towards your shell-like ears,
Like a nodding china cat,
Turns heads.
Little Miss Bumblebee
Who could have foreseen,
That below that off-kilter smile,
Lay a cold steel resolve
That carried you
Through mud and blood,
And tears and stumbles –
Far ahead of me – To
First place.
Long-legged ray of sunshine,
I am so proud.
I always knew you were
A little powerhouse.
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
Hello there, Aquareed,
Wow. This is fantastic. You have a very very wonderfully amazing gift for describing. Every line tells us more about your friend. I was able to come up with a probably very good picture of her from all of the perfect describing here. Your lines talking about how proud you are of her are also very important. It shows that while she finished ahead of you, and might be a better athlete, you don't mind. Because she is your friend. And in relationships that is what matters. It shows how close you two are and helps form a way to relate to it.
my favorite lines were
"Blue-grey eyes- your flaws only
Pull you short from intimidation
Instead you are adorable,"
Aw, this is really sweet! The entire time, it just had a really feel-good mood.
I didn't notice much to fix, but I'll point out a few little nitpicks
"That below that off-kilter smile, "
The repetition of "that" makes it a little stutter feeling here, perhaps below *the* off-kilter smile?
"Towards your shell-like ears"
to paint a stronger image, think of more directly referring to the ears as shells. Similes are good, but don't paint the images as well as, say, "upwards, to those shells of ears", or something of the sort.
Also, you use a lot of dashes. I would recommend trying semicolons in place of some of those, they look a little more mature.
Otherwise, this is good. It is really well written, everything is worded well, and you can feel the care and the power, the awe and admiration. Good job, keep it up! I hope I helped.