Wicked Deception: Vivian

Phoenix lands for a review

We stood up on the balcony watching the mess that we created. There was a brawl happening before us, a brawl of our doing. We were pleased with our work as we watched students attacking each other savagely. The idiots, we laughed together.

This is very repetitive.

“Still bored?” Evan Cartier, also known as my better half, turned to me. His eyes showed nothing but his intense boredom.

Again repetitive.

How long do you think before Kurt, our resident dumb basketball star, figures out his beloved Stacy didn’t cheat on him with his best friend?”

I think this is a little too exact. She is already aware of the situation and such a detailed explanation seems a bit odd. It seems to be more geared to inform readers what they did.

I looked at Evan’s face and studied him. He looked as if he were going to die of boredom.

You really need to use another word

His smooth and sexy chocolate skin was so appealing. His nice luscious lips were often saying sweet and seductive things to his marks. And to make things even more sexy

Personal gripe. Try not to use the word sexy. I mean sexy skin?

To me, he was just Evan, my stepbrother.

Then why would the word sexy go through her mind when describing him? The description is to intimate for a sisters thoughts.

I shot him a mean glare; he knew how much I hated to be called sister by him. We flirted all the time, so trying to pretend that we were brother and sister was total bullshit.

Okay I guess the whole sexy thing was no accident.



Anyway I find this interesting. The dynamic between the two main characters is interesting and I got a good understanding the characters. So development so far is good. One thing I noticed is a bit of repetition that I noted. Look out for that. Overall I liked it.

Phoenix flies away

Heya Wheadee!

Wheadee wrote:This story's written in two points of view, this is the first person.

VIVIAN

We stood up on the balcony watching the mess that we had created. There was a brawl happening before us, a brawl of our doing. We were pleased with our work as we watched students attacking each other savagely. The idiots, we laughed together.

“Still bored?” Evan Cartier, also known as my better half, turned to me. His eyes showed nothing but his intense boredom. It wasn’t a surprise; everyone was bored in our small town of Charleston, Georgia. You use bored a lot in this part. Try something else, like tedious.

I looked at Evan’s face and studied him. He looked as if he were going to die of boredom. I wasn’t surprised of his opinion of Stacy Williams, one of his many conquests. After Evan was done with a girl his opinion of her was shot to hell. Girls were missions to him: Get. Screw. Ditch. Complete. It wasn’t a wonder why so many girls fell for his lies and charm. Evan Cartier was a very attractive Black seventeen-year-old boy. You don't need a capital here for black. His smooth and sexy chocolate skin was so appealing. His nice luscious lips were often saying sweet and seductive things to his marks. And to make things even more sexy about him, Evan liked to dress nice. No saggy, baggy, oversized jeans and t-shirts for him, he often wore crisp suits, sweaters, sweater vests, anything to make him look professional he wore. Evan was also well put together as he worked out everyday at five. It didn’t hurt that he had a face to fight over. Many girls did actually fight over him. To me, he was just Evan, my stepbrother.

We were both seven when my father, Bruce Cohen, married his mother, don't you mean our mother, not his mother Nora Cartier (that’s Car-tee-a). We all moved into this huge house and lived like some version of the Brady Bunch minus four kids and the peculiar White maid. I like this about the Brady Bunch!
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I liked the opening paragraph; it was very gripping and I felt like I wanted to read more. Your use of dialogue is excellent, you had a good balance between narration and dialogue. I did laugh at the humorous points, they were quite funny.
Sometimes it was a little boring, and you could have used more description. I felt that your bit about Evan Cartier was an overloaded paragraph.
Rating: 7/10

Keep writing, and PM me when you get the second bit up!!

~Tamara
xx