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140,627 Literary Works • 673,569 Reviews
Hi! Sporks here to review.
Grammar:
I didn't really find anything, though I am going to be extremely nitpicky for a second:
Here, technically you'd use a semi-colon after "Rachel." xD
But other than that, I found nothing.
Storyline:
Wow! I really liked this. Very action packed, and very prologue-y. Though your first paragraph doesn't really tie into anything in the prologue. You described things well, you portrayed the characters quite realistically, but I do have one nitpick.
I'm no expert, but this didn't read as very realistic to me. I don't think someone mid hold-up would be sarcastic...more...aggressive? If that makes any sense. xD Anyway, I really liked this and can't wait to read chapter one.
Good luck and keep writing!
~Sporks
Hey,
I liked it. It was very action packed, which was good. I liked how the MC didn't know a thing about it until it was to late. I thought when they were shooting there could have been a bit more description, but then again it is only a prologue. The other thing I picked up on was the fact that your first paragraph really didn't link back to anything in the piece, so I am presuming that this is going to come after in another chapter or something? Get back to me on that.
Overall A good piece and a really good prologue. Hope to read chapter one soon XD
~Retro Disco666