"Something insane happened recently."
Blustery winds aren't a surprising thing during this time of the day, for the day goes through it's own mood swings nowadays— Chilling, aloof and somewhat distant in the morning. People avoid it's off putting nature by shielding themselves with blankets. Then perhaps the weather has a momentous realisation that makes it shine brighter than the sunniest days of July-August, making people open up their umbrellas to avoid getting tanned. But then the umbrellas really do come in handy when the brightness is dulled and raindrops fall, creating a rhythmic sound which is soothing for some and annoying for others.
"Well what did you see? What happened?"
The question sounds distant, almost as if the wind swopped it away before reaching her ears. But she knew the follow up question anyways, nothing about this conversation seemed extraordinary to be written.
"I was strolling about in the house I grew up in as a child and found a leopard." She said with an uncanny ease.
"What!?" he exclaimed. This was definitely one of her fictitious tales but he didn't mind because, real or not, they were quite entertaining.
"It looked like a clouded leopard, I read about it once on the internet. But when I entered it was having a panic attack. I rushed to help but it roared back and said it wanted some solitude so I stepped back and then...it fainted." She said, half dazed.
"Then what?" One thing he had understood from being friends with her is that you never question the legitimacy of her tales because if you did she would refuse to tell the rest of the tale and quite like a guilty-pleasure, he was intrigued.
Do leopards have panic attacks? They obviously don't talk like humans but do they roar? Can they faint? He made a mental note to look up his conundrums later.
Almost like she was mystified in her own fantasies, she continued, "Suddenly the new residents of my childhood home rushed in because of the commotion. I suppose they were my family, but they didn't seem familiar. They looked at the leopard and didn't even flinch. I realised I was being pretty stoic about the whole scenario too so I went along. They tied the leopard in a sack, huddled together, one holding the sack, others tying the leopard and trying to put it inside the sack. They threw the sack under my childhood bed, which was draped by barbie bedsheets and obscure, shapeless toys that seemed familiar."
The wind had stopped disrupting their conversation, almost as if the surroundings too wanted to know the rest. It was a foolish story, if it even was a story at all and, perhaps, they too wanted to know the rest of it. The surrounding red silk cotton trees weren't red anymore— they were green, much to her disdain. The trees betrayed their name, they were only red for a couple of days and didn't wait to turn green or take it's time like she wanted.
"Everyone left and so did I. But when I came back I couldn't ignore the leopard under the bed, my bed, so I checked and found it to be still breathing." She said. You could finally see some emotions in her impassive face.
"So it was alive...What did you do then?" He asked. There was no point in finding logic over this.
"The sack heaved up and down in the darkness and I watched it in wonder, amazed to find it breathing. And then I realised the leopard would soon die in that sack. Before I could realise I was drowned with my own silent sobs, perhaps half hoping someone would notice. But then again I didn't even realise I was crying until I did. Well, no one came to check. My sobs broke into screams, first uncertain and then roaring. All the members of the house, who were supposed to be my family, looked at me like I was nuts." Looking at her in this moment could make him cry any second. She looked hurt, her eyes squinting, trying not to weep but words firm, almost as if this extraordinary encounter was real.
"I screamed and cried and told them to free the leopard, that it was still breathing, that it is still alive. Still alive, very alive, breathing and almost dead, not because it fainted, but because it was tied down into a suffocating sack. To no one's surprise, they didn't care. It seemed they had already moved on past their grieve over the leopard and considered it dead. But it wasn't dead. Sure it was almost dead, but it wasn't dead!" All of this was said almost in one breathe, as if her second breathe would swipe her words away, like it was urgent. The surroundings were dead silent, even the weather listened to her tale before it returned to it's mundane moodswings.
"My requests turned into demands but they saw me as ungraciously loud, self-centered, demanding, thoughtless, and ingrate. That if they hadn't helped tie it up, I would've been eaten alive by it. Their taunts and rebukes sharpened, then soften but no time had passed, or maybe there was no time left, I couldn't tell because the windows disappeared silently while I was trying to fight for a half dead leopard, not noticing. My family descended into wisps of smoke gradually and wordlessly, and I kept looking at that heaving sack until the leftover colours consumed me." She said. It wasn't surprising that she had broken into full sobs by now.
He was still wondering if the story was legitimate or not. But looking at her, it just made sense to believe her.
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Lyssa." he whispered.
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For some reason, this work reminded me of some novellas I've read in literature class, only more comprehensible.
Reading this feels like overhearing a conversation between two strangers while sitting on a bus and being intrigued by it.
I like the prose and language of this work, such as
"The wind had stopped disrupting their conversation, almost as if the surroundings too wanted to know the rest. "
"The question sounds distant, almost as if the wind swopped it away before reaching her ears."
Overall, a rather enjoyable read, I would prefer if dialogues were formatted better as the previous reviewer mentioned, also some dialogues appear chucky despite not being very long, so perhaps some kind of break is required so they don't look so overwhelming.
Thankyou so much for taking your time to review my prose, I'll try to improve it!
I like that you mention how rain on umbrellas can be a soothing sound :3
Hmm are you aware of how to do Dialogue Formatting properly? If not, I suggest Punctuation within Dialogue
Check it out if only to make this one happy XD
That said… Leopard in a house, huh? @.@
I like this insight! “quite like a guilty-pleasure, he was intrigued. “
And well, I know cheetahs have panic attacks (which is why they’re paired with emotional support dogs!)
Sounds like she’s recounting a dream! I like the way she talks except for this bit: “Suddenly the new residents of my childhood home “ It sounds a bit too wordy for dialogue.
That is also an excellent sentence: “almost as if the surroundings too wanted to know the rest.”
Okay this one just confuses me: “didn't wait to turn green or take it's time like she wanted.”
I like how you continue to include their surroundings almost as if the setting itself has a personality. It works really well. The story itself is very absurd and kinda lost me in the middle, but I like how it ends 😊 Also I like how you display Lyssa’s emotions~
Some grammar stuff:
“people avoid it's off putting nature” >> people avoid its off-putting nature
Thankyou so much for reviewing my work! I haven't written a prose in about 7 years now so yeah it's a sort of rough beginning, so your suggestions and corrections are really helpful!
I'll check the references too ^^
Nice work horsey! It felt like one the bizarre short stories and really pull you in.
First of all, I think it was all a dream sequence, where the MC is confused about their feelings but trying to express their helplessness and asking for help unconsciously. (It's just my speculation btw-)
So, I think MC's real life has become very dull, mundane from all of their colours getting suppressed. The leopard is probably their inner child, which had a panic attack from seeing what they had become.
The relatives being unfamiliar indicates their emotional distance towards the MC. They stuffed up the leopard in a bag, scared of It's wildness. They probably think the inner child was too creative for It's own good.
It was still under the bed. Close to them than ever, and still alive. The MC couldn't get the leopard out themselves probably because they don't know how, or if they get it out, it will get tied down again.
The windows disappearing symbolises how the MC feels trapped I think. The the relatives turning into smoke is them suffocating them.
I haven't read much of your poems. But your your skill in story writing prose (idk honestly) is really captivating.
Fighting! ^^
Thankyou so much for analysing my prose, it was Insanely accurate to the actual interpretations, one thing I'd like to suggest is you look up what clouded leopards symbolise. Overall, I'm shocked and impressed at your interpretation
this story line is one of the more unique ones on this site.
it's not bad at all, just slightly confusing since we don't get a whole lot of exposition or character work. it sounds like you're describing a dream you had with trees suddenly switching colors without any more context. we're also dropped straight into the scene without any introduction of the characters.
but then again it was sorted as satire and the rest of your published works are poetry, not full stories, so that might be intentional.
i also liked the writing itself, and you clearly have a broad vocabulary. your prose flows really well.
one thing: breathe is the act of breathing. i think what you meant is breath, which is a noun as in one breath.
Thankyou for reviewing my work and pointing out the errors, it really helps me a lot!
)