Published April 2, 2013
(This is the first time I have ever shown this to the world. It is only the first chapter and even though I have read it through a thousand times expect mistakes)
Prologue
A simple sun painted the sky with its rays of gold and the blue sky set the calm background while it looked upon the earth with its clouds that lay across the pallet of dawn, the earth awoke.
The seas that day were still, the clouds seized their tears and the winds held their breath, only the distant humming of the earth was heard as it spun around the sun like a magnet, forever pulling the stars into its fiery depths. And as the earth did so the creatures below continued with life, expecting nothing more but sunrise and sunset, if only they had deserved it...
Chapter One
A young boy sat on the stone steps in the playing court of a small school, in East Russia, watching the other children play as he sat contemplating to himself quietly. Leaves of bright orange and amber fell onto the ground beside him; he gazed up at the trees with the intensity in his green eyes which watched longingly at the birds soaring freely over head. His hair as dark as the crow’s wings hung tangled over his sunken eyes, the other children had given him the name “Moley” for his quiet and veiled nature. His real name was Wolfgang but people had grown attached to Moley, they discarded his true title.
Winter was approaching quickly once again, clarifying the reason why the birds where flying west so early. Moley continued to count the leaves dropping from their branches until through the falling golden colours he saw company approach him.
A girl a similar age sat herself down next to Moley, whose expression remained the same. Her hair held a scarlet ribbon holding together the hazel waves, hanging over her shoulders. Her deep blue eyes did not glance once at the silent boy beside her, instead she greeted him which was then replied with a subtle groan, which she somehow understood as “Hello, nice to see you”.
“I didn’t see you in class earlier,” she said after a few quiet minutes, breaking the perfect silence he was creating. Moley remained motionless for a moment, while he thought of a reply.
“Grandmother isn’t well so I had to walk this morning.” He said faintly sill not taking his eyes off the ground. The silence continued after that
“Aurelia!” shouted a group of giggling kids in the distance, becoming the girl next to Moley to join them. However for reasons Aurelia herself didn’t quite understand she much preferred Wolfgang’s, unresponsive company than the other children, there was something about Moley that interested Aurelia that she rather had him as a friend than the other girls. The other children gave up and went off somewhere else but Moley looked up at Aurelia, puzzled why she didn’t leave, no one knew why Moley was so content and whether he preferred his own company to others? But somewhere inside him he didn’t mind Aurelia as much as the other children. You could say to some extent that she was sort of a best friend to him. He continued to look at her, not meaning to glare; the way he looked at things always came across quite negative, even if they weren’t. Aurelia knew so and smiled back at him in response to break the tension.
“You don’t have to look so solemn Moley, life isn’t that bad.” She said laughing slightly. Moley turned back to the floor, groaning. He didn’t like the way people could twist things into jokes. Especially when things were serious and there were things to worry about. Aurelia got his point, realising the reason for his grave mood.
“I take it you’ve heard then?” she said, not expecting a reply,
“Nothing like that will happen here Moley. We live in the smallest village in the biggest forest on the edge of the planet.” Aurelia attempted to assure her friend, however not very successfully.
Moley was not worried nor scarred of what he read in the news last night. It was never easy attempting to read Moley. He was like a decaying book written in an unknown language with pages missing, no one, not even Aurelia could really understand how he felt or what he was ever thinking inside.
The news, unlike what Aurelia was implying, was in fact very serious.
Over the past few months an epidemic had irrupted throughout parts of china and India. A disease now mutating into a virus eating its way through humans, destroying human instinct and intelligence until the infected become completely unaware of their actions and surroundings, thus given the name “The Mindless”...
However as scientist panicked over finding a cure let alone the cause the disease worsened and the number of cases ballooned in size, this time far more extreme situations. The human race once again at war with itself. The Mindless began destroying cities, infecting the uninfected and killing the weak or anyone who got in their way for that matter. People believed what they liked: Apocalypse, the devil, zombies... no answer to what the virus was or where it came from was discovered though. The human world was facing their biggest threat and this time no weapon could defeat it.
Cases of the contaminated victims were slim in Russia so far, but Moley acted as if he knew there would be more.
Aurelia had developed the habit of dismissing all negative facts and events, as if the world was perfect. This annoyed Moley hugely as their world was never perfect, nor would it ever be, the worst was happening all around them though somehow Aurelia was able to keep everyone she knew safe in her own imaginary bubble, safe from the worst she thought. How wrong she could be?
“Are you scared?” she asked Moley faintly, her trail of sight still fixed ahead. Moley shook his head earnestly, his expression too set on the floor.
Aurelia wasn’t sure how to react as the reality of it all began to creep into her perfect world, as she had feared. She took her friends hand, clasping it tight. Moley did not react to this but only softened his expression when he realised how scared Aurelia felt. Her hand locked into his awaking Moley from his fixed state of gloom and he then realised the situation they had been landed in and how much fear Aurelia now began to feel.
“I wish I could be more like you Moley...” she muttered under her breath. Moley’s dark expression suddenly sunk into a state sorrow and pity as he picked through Aurelia’s last comment.
Right then, without warning a scream so chilling every soul in the playing court froze and watched as one of the girls collapse onto the concrete, clutching her head and crying so deep and sad it set the atmosphere so icy and so deathly no one was capable of moving let alone blink. It was happening...
Aurelia continued to clutch her friends hand but the only sign of movement then from the scene was Moley gripping back tightly onto Aurelia.
After several moments of shock and immobility teachers ran out from their class rooms to assist the girl still lying there, screaming from the monster which was now swimming its way through her veins. Life began to leak back into the other children and the colour began to return to their pale faces but the horror of it had set itself deep into their mentality. The bystanders just stood there as the girl was taken from the scene, no one looked away from her and even after she had been taken off no one dared say anything. The nightmare they all feared had finally found them.
Aurelia couldn't help but tremble with fear at the sight of the horror stories becoming reality, Moley grasped her hand tightly to reassure her.
“There are worse things in this world…than evil.” she said softly, her voice reflected the fear within her, as she spoke the first words. “And when this nightmare defeats us, promise me…” she followed, the girl on the ground no longer there but the screams still haunted her as they echoed through her head. A single tear fell from Aurelia’s cheek.
“Promise me Moley…that you’ll never let them tear us apart…”
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141,293 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Hello mentee! I have this lovely window between finals and going abroad that is now filled with lots and lots of boredom. So I'm going to be a good mentor and review your entire novel that you've posted
Here we go! Nitpicks first:
What a long sentence! Great description, but I would try to break it up a little.
Same here. I think you can break these sentences up a little. Also, is the prologue necessary? It's really short and I get that it sets the scene a little and I'm left thinking - deserved what? But either this needs to be longer and more exciting or I would just cut it out.
Most readers and most agents skip prologues - just an fyi.
This can probably be two sentences.
The slashed part doesn't seem necessary to me.
Whoa a lot happens in this sentence. Break it up and maybe slow it down a little.
The underlined portion doesn't make sense to me.
Again with the very long sentences
I would start a new paragraph at the sentence starting with Moley because it's switching focuses. You have Aurelia's words followed by his thoughts.
This is a fragment. What's the subject and verb?
Got is point about what?
This can all be one paragraph because it's all her talking.
I love that description of his mind! But - long sentence - break it up
Interesting! Do you know what I'm going to say? Long sentence?
Long sentence.
Very long sentence!
The underlined portion sounds funny to me. Read it out loud and see what you think.
This is a very intriguing idea! I am definitely looking forward to reading more!
Your descriptions are great. Like really, really great. I struggle with descriptions sometimes but your vocabulary and use of adjectives is great. I loved your character descriptions. This was pretty short but I already feel like I know Moley and Aurelia (PS love the names). They already feel very distinct and rounded and I can't wait to see how they develop!
I thought some of the descriptions could have been sped up and some slowed down. The part where you talked about the Mindless, what it is and what it's been doing, felt borderline info-dumpy. You might want to think about breaking it up and integrating it into the plot a little more.
The part where the girl is taken over by the Mindless - that could have been slowed down a lot. It happened so fast I wasn't really sure what was going on and it didn't have much of an impact on me. I want to know exactly what is happening and what people are thinking, seeing, and feeling. I want to be scared.
You could work on your grammar. You have a habit of run-on sentences. You also miss-place commas and forget commas in some places. I didn't mark them all, but as a general rule, if there is a natural pause in the sentence when you say it out loud, you probably need a comma.
Very interesting idea though and it's off to a great start so I'm looking forward to reading more! Let me know if something doesn't make sense or if you have any questions!
-Carly
Hi there, Annapurna! Welcome to YWS!
I really did a thorough nitpick here, so I take the opportunity here to praise it too: well done! It is a story worth following 
well put!
I'll be happy to oblige.
I've got a big fat review for you
Firstly, this chapter leans towards purple prose. As explanation, read this: www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=33984
So, to fix it, remove a lot of adjectives. Yup, kill your darlings. (Don't leave it totally devoid of life!) Then, use strong verbs e.g. replace
"I can't do this!" she said desperately.
with
"I can't do this!" she wailed.
This can get rid of a lot of slack. Then, use this special trick: imagine you are being paid for writing this story, but with every word, you receive less money. So the words you use, must be used well and sparingly. Of course, use your own discretion and don't turn your page into a slaughterhouse.
Also remember that readers skim over simple, common words like 'said' or 'did', so they do not detract as much from the actual storyline.
Secondly, a prologue describes events which happen significantly before the rest of the story, and since your prologue is hardly a paragraph long and only a description of the sunrise, I don't think it really qualifies. So yes, just kick it into the main script! I enjoyed the last sentence of it by the way
Thirdly, I agree with Noelle. www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=151&t=90899 explains all about the comma splice. You are sometimes using commas instead of full stops and leaving commas out where there should be some. Check it out. Read through the story slowly, out loud, and try adding in more commas and replacing some with full stops.
The following latches onto my point of purple prose.
A young boy sat on the stone steps in the playing court of a small school, in East Russia, watching the other children play as he sat contemplating to himself quietly.
A boy sat on the stone steps of a playing court in a small East Russian school, watching the other children play as he contemplated quietly.
They say the same thing, but the second is more compact than the first. You had 'sat' twice and you cannot but contemplate to yourself, so it had best be left out.
See? Apply this to the rest of the chapter and you could really shorten and simplify it.
You had a couple of spelling errors -- check the story, but if you want a spelling shred, just ask
Then, the characters' relationship is very odd. The reader is not sure if they sit like this every break or just this once. Give a quick hint -- you'd be surprised how far it goes. Have they been in this intimate form of confidence for long? Are they entirely in love? Give us a better indication! Give some more interaction. Maybe have Moley shift slightly toward Aurelia when she sits down, or relax his posture a little. Just something small.
The end becomes very soppy, because you have a combination of purple prose and cliched emotional indicators, like holding hands tighter, screams haunting her, a single tear etc.. Try something a little less obvious and make it more personal. Perhaps make your characters a little more human by showing small details of their behaviour and viewpoints. Show something of the characters' inner emotions, like what they can see the other person doing...
Moley trailed a finger along the edge of the step. Though his face revealed nothing, Aurelia could see that his hand was trembling.
This shows that Moley does have emotions, though he does not often show them. Aurelia is seen to be observant and sensitive to his suffering.
Plot is good and clear. So far I can see exactly what is going on, where, with which characters. Well done!
So this seems to be it! Remember that I have been very harsh by anyone's standards and I still love your work! If you have any questions or need help, feel free to contact me and ask anything
Keep writing!
barefootrunner
Oh my god I loved the Prologue it was deep and very descriptive and so is the rest of the chapter. I loved it. I'm so jealous, your descriptive words are great! I love the name Aurelia it's so cute and totally fits with the dystopian future; it sounds like a futuristic name!
Thanks!
appreciate it!
Gaurav is here for his short review.................
This is how I feel about the following
Story:- Fantastic , Seems like a romantic story but can't say as it is Prologue
Characters : Very well described ( physical characteristics can be explained more especially Moley )
Action:- Lifelike Imagery ( Vividness is there ). Awesome
Grammar : Found few errors and one of them is as follows
This sentence
"Winter was approaching quickly once again, clarifying the reason why the birds where flying west so early"
I think it should be were instead of " Where"
This is the only one thing I found in the entire story.
Otherwise everything is balanced .
Worth Waiting For the Story: Yeah why not! You're successful in creating the scenario interesting and appealing too.
That's all for now
Hope to see more works
All the Best
Keep Writing
Hi there!
*I thin the paragraph would sound better worded like this. What you have is one continuous sentence. Now break it up into a few short, sweet sentences and you've got a great opening paragraph
Aw, the ending to this is so cute!
Overall this is a great start. I really enjoyed reading it! The prologue didn't make much sense to me when I first read it, but now I understand. Your character Moley is great. He's the typical shy (quiet?) kid who just wants to go through living life. I can definitely relate to him. How sad is that? Anyway, he's a relatable character that I'm sure we'll all come to love later on.
I would like to know more about Aurelia though. First off, her name is the most beautiful name I have ever heard. Second, does she usually go sit with Moley? Are they friends? Does she maybe defend him in school so she feels obligated to protect him? Give us a little background information about their relationship so we can understand why she gravitated towards him when he was sitting all alone on the playground.
Your setting is nice. You did a good job setting the scene and letting us know exactly where this story is taking place. There are a few spelling errors and you tend to have a lot of run on sentences, but I'm sure you'll be able to catch those mistakes if you go back and read over it again. I suggest reading you story out loud so you can hear the mistakes. That always helps me.
Another thing I'd like to know more about is this virus. Maybe you're saving that for later chapters, but I want to know. Like how did everyone know that that girl had been attacked by the virus? Something else could've happened to her to cause her to scream like that. I guess everyone knew enough about the virus to know what a person looked like who had caught it?
I really enjoyed reading this. It's great for your first post! Post on my wall when the next chapter is up. I can't wait to read more!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Noelle! Thanks for the advice, this means a lot! I'll defiantly work on the points you brought up and i'll let you know when I've submitted chapter two
thanks again!