TOMORROW: Trials of the Lost Swallows Chapter Four

by Annapurna

Published April 8, 2013

12+ Violence

In TOMORROW: Trials of the Lost Swallows

CHAPTER FOUR

 

Mistakes of the past were thought to have been learnt from. Clearly the human race were incapable of that.

 

Clouds of dust lifted into the air as heavy chained tires herded its way through the Russian countryside. The road was endless and puddles of grey liquid sprayed the side of the trucks as they horded through the untouched scenery. A continues line stretch up to the horizon of military trucks hording their way up the road, like packs of blood hounds they did not stop to let anything pass.

The trunks carried two armed guards sitting at the end of each row were the men and women sat on opposite sides. Nothing was said because there was nothing to be said besides the fact none of which knew where and what was to be done with them. They had been travelling for hours; the last words they spoke were farewells to their family as they were torn away from their homes, thrown into the backs of armed vehicles like cattle and not promised of a return. The Defending Republic of Nations Known Armies were recruiting any man or women over the age of 13 and this time they had no choice but to sacrifice one member of their family, again. But because men were more valuable, the Dronkas were willing to take children as young as eight; resulting in Aurelia to take the place of her innocent and feeble bother.

 

A boy sitting opposite to Aurelia bent his head forward to face the ground, a faint humming came from him, drawing in the guards attention.

“Sit up straight boy” a guard ordered in a stern tone that the boy instantly sat up parallel to the others sitting beside him. His face seamed a pale green and lips whiter than the snow around them. Aurelia gazed at him with interest and sympathy. It was clear to see how hard the boy was trying not to completely breakdown, looking into his eyes was like looking into a murky lake, close to flooding over the riverbank. No one paid attention to him but Aurelia. The rest were as cold and still as stone in fear of their futures and also what the guards were to do if they dared step out of line. The boy continued to sober quietly as Aurelia watched in the horizon a wall stretching as far as she could see appearing from the snow. Thick black barred iron gates were opened and the trucks drove in one by one, Guards identical marched through, holding the gates and directing the vehicles. Row after row of indistinguishable grey huts sat waiting for the new arrivals. Walls of barbed wire ran all the way around the location, behind it the black bricked walls stood high, clearly there was no chance of escaping. Aurelia noticed this, realising that for the will to escape one must have reason to do so.

Men in military jackets with an upright x or cross clearly presented on each of their right arms, grabbed Aurelia by the shoulder, leading her and the others off the truck onto the stiff snow. Long rows were formed, Aurelia stood straight, hands by her side as they all stood there stationary awaiting their next orders. The cold bit hard at them as the soldiers paced up and down the row, wrapped in their thick black coats, lined with the black fur of some innocent creature. One soldier emerged from the black fog, he looked slightly different than the others as there were triple the amount of badges and awards displayed on his chest and within an instant Aurelia could see straight through him to see the icy emptiness in his heart. She was beginning to understand the problems and cold presence all the soldiers possessed. They just weren’t that human, or at least not anymore. Aurelia watched them carefully, was this really what war and weapons could do to a person. To strip someone of their feelings, personality, purpose. A soldier’s only purpose was to destroy; Aurelia thought to herself as the only privacy any of them were still to have were simply their thoughts. The Dronka finished pacing through the taut grey snow, stopping before Aurelia who seemed to be the only soul not facing the floor and starring straight back into the cold face of the Dronka. The dark figure approached her as she casually looked straight back at the man without even the slightest glimpse of fear in her eyes. He admired her bravery as the two just stood there gazing at the other, both waiting for the other to give up the staring match. Finally the Dronka’s stern attempt of a smile decayed into an ill hearted and bitter portrait.

“Girl, do you understand your purpose for being here” the General barked into Aurelia’s surprisingly calm face. Her eyes still fixed on him with no sense of fear within her, shocking the other captives with her serenity.

“My purpose of being here is to protect my brother, find my brother, raise a rebellion, end this war, protect the weak, save the world and go home. But I guess you want me to be like you and prance around with guns and badges? My purpose is to live a fore filing, meaningful life and not to waste the day when I know there are people in the world with less time than me. How can I for fill that purpose her, unless I’m trying to do the opposite. So yes I know what my purpose of coming here is. It is to leave.” Aurelia concluded innocently to the General all wide eyes and no indignity. She sniggered under her breath after confusing him to the point he had given up with her, a cherry red colour painted his face which Aurelia guessed was not due from the cold. Then suddenly a fight giggling came from further down the line. Aurelia dropped her smile and the atmosphere went silent. The General face went from red to purple in rage and then began to very slowly turn to the direction of the snigger. Gradually trudging through the grey slush Aurelia held her breath and watched the ground. The heavy footsteps of the Dronka stopped, right in front of a young man, barley twenty. Nothing was said and no one dared turn to see but they heard. The sharp bang of a gun was sounded, followed by the thud of prisoner hitting the wet ground. No one did anything. Statues in the snow. The Dronka marched further up the line of freezing, speechless men and women, cheeks blue while the night began to crash onto the land. Soldiers guarding the trucks urged the General to send the new arrivals in as the frost began to freeze its self onto the figures of the captives. The tall dark Dronka stepped back to be in view of all the chilling victims of the snow, scrutinizing each individual up and down as if he was checking them over for something.

“I suspect you have guessed the reason of why you have been brought here,” he bellowed. The heads of those before him did not rise but only glanced up a fraction with their hesitant eyes. “The Mindless have corrupted our planet by taking our people and destroying the lives of others. Shanghais... Delhi...Rio... Berlin... London... these are just five out of the twenty-two cities inhabited only by these creatures and until we are all like them they shall never cease their growth and the chaos they cause. This is where you come in...”The General carried on pacing through the snow from where he had left off. “The world needs its people’s defence and you and the people of the free world and it is your duty to fight, to win and to die for the sake of the human race. Tomorrow you shall all being your short training before you are to enter these infected cities, capture these “Mindless” creatures and to carry out every order given to you as you are all from now a member of the DRONKA ACADEMY. Good luck and long live Sar Dronka.”

Saluting with his head high to the dismal clouds and hollow stars the General and his follows marched off around the corner as the other soldiers led the new comers into their huts. Aurelia marched with them, with the questions of a hundred missing answers attached, holding together her hope and pride, she promised herself to never give in to their lies, never were she to become a Dronka. She would much prefer be one of the walking dead...

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
gauravkundu32
Review
gauravkundu32 wrote a review Review · May 30, 2013

Hello there! I beg pardon for the delay. I was very busy with the exams. So as now I am free I can do some reviews. As I can see Critics has nicely mentioned the grammatical mistakes which I also found while reading ( well done critics for your detailed analysis ). They're typos and some grammatical mistakes so there's nothing to worry about. Your word choice and imagery flow together and I am fond of it. There is always something to learn from your works. So, while reading this chapter, It reminded me of "The Hostage" by C.S Forster. I am not comparing anything here so do not get me wrong. I just want to say about the visualization it created inside me while reading. You've captured all the details of War and emotions of people literally. It is fantastic, I say. Just do one thing, after writing and even after proofreading , read once more (literally it is wrong to say to read more after proofreading) but here I am saying this so that next time you won't get any typing error. I hope to see the next part soon. Keep up the good work.

With Best wishes
-gauravkundu32-

User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review Review · Apr 28, 2013

Hello again Anna!

Nitpicks:

Mistakes of the past were thought to have been learnt (learned)[/b[ from. Clearly the human race [b]were (was) incapable of that.


The road was endless(,) and puddles of grey liquid sprayed the side of the trucks as they horded through the untouched scenery.


A continues (continuous) line stretch(ed) up to the horizon of military trucks hording their way up the road, like packs of blood hounds they did not stop to let anything pass.

I think you meant continuous, and everything else has been in past tense so stretch needs to be that way too.
Also, this is a long sentence!

The trunks carried two armed guards sitting at the end of each row were the men and women sat on opposite sides.

Slow this sentence down. Read it out loud and see what you think. The image is confusing to me.

Nothing was said because there was nothing to be said besides the fact none of which knew where and what was to be done with them.

Read this one out loud too. Who is them?

They had been travelling for hours; the last words they spoke were farewells to their family as they were torn away from their homes, thrown into the backs of armed vehicles like cattle and not promised of a return.

Long sentence! And who is they?

The Defending Republic of Nations Known Armies were recruiting any man or women over the age of 13 and this time they had no choice but to sacrifice one member of their family, again. But because men were more valuable, the Dronkas were willing to take children as young as eight; resulting in Aurelia to take the place of her innocent and feeble bother.

First sentence is very long and could either be broken up or could use more punctuation. Can you start the second sentence differently than 'but' or 'because'?
And wait, Aurelia is 8? I was thinking her and Moley were older. Can 8-year-olds fall in love?

His face seamed a pale green(,) and lips whiter than the snow around them.


It was clear to see how hard the boy was trying not to completely breakdown, looking into his eyes was like looking into a murky lake, close to flooding over the riverbank. No one paid attention to him but Aurelia.

Long sentence! And the underlined portion sounds funny to me.

The boy continued to sober quietly as Aurelia watched in the horizon a wall stretching as far as she could see appearing from the snow.

Underlined portion: did you mean 'sob quietly'?
I think the second half (starting at Aurelia) is worded a little funny and the words could simply be re-ordered. Read it out loud and see what you think.

Thick black barred iron gates were opened and the trucks drove in one by one, Guards identical marched through, holding the gates and directing the vehicles.

Long sentence!
Also, 'Guards identical' or 'Identical guards'?

Walls of barbed wire ran all the way around the location, behind it the black bricked walls stood high, clearly there was no chance of escaping.

Long sentence!

Aurelia noticed this, realising that for the will to escape one must have reason to do so.

This sentence sounds funny to me. I would read it out loud and try to determine if that's exactly what you're trying to say.

Long rows were formed, Aurelia stood straight, hands by her side as they all stood there stationary awaiting their next orders.

This could be broken into more than one sentence.

One soldier emerged from the black fog, he looked slightly different than the others as there were triple the amount of badges and awards displayed on his chest and within an instant Aurelia could see straight through him to see the icy emptiness in his heart.

Long sentence!
And how does Aurelia see right through him? What is it about him?

She was beginning to understand the problems and cold presence all the soldiers possessed. They just weren’t that human, or at least not anymore.

How does she know this?

Aurelia watched them carefully, was this really what war and weapons could do to a person. To strip someone of their feelings, personality, purpose.

Okay, the first half of the first sentence is not a question. The second half of the first sentence is a question. The second sentence is the answer to the question. I would re-think how you've done the sentence breaks and punctuation here to make it a little more clear.
Also, thoughts are most easily conveyed by italics.

The Dronka finished pacing through the taut grey snow, stopping before Aurelia who seemed to be the only soul not facing the floor and starring straight back into the cold face of the Dronka.

Long sentence!

My purpose is to live a fore (more) filing, meaningful life and not to waste the day when I know there are people in the world with less time than me.


How can I for fill that purpose her (here), unless I’m trying to do the opposite.


So yes(,) I know what my purpose of coming here is. It is to leave.”


She sniggered under her breath after confusing him to the point he had given up with her, a cherry red colour painted his face which Aurelia guessed was not due from the cold.

I would start a new paragraph here because it's switching from dialogue to description of the scene.
Read this sentence out loud too because it sounds a little funny to me. It may need breaking up.

Then suddenly a fight ((of)) giggling came from further down the line.


Aurelia dropped her smile and the atmosphere went silent. The General face went from red to purple in rage and then began to very slowly turn to the direction of the snigger. Gradually trudging through the grey slush Aurelia held her breath and watched the ground. The heavy footsteps of the Dronka stopped, right in front of a young man, barley twenty. Nothing was said and no one dared turn to see but they heard. The sharp bang of a gun was sounded, followed by the thud of prisoner hitting the wet ground. No one did anything. Statues in the snow. The Dronka marched further up the line of freezing, speechless men and women, cheeks blue while the night began to crash onto the land. Soldiers guarding the trucks urged the General to send the new arrivals in as the frost began to freeze its self onto the figures of the captives. The tall dark Dronka stepped back to be in view of all the chilling victims of the snow, scrutinizing each individual up and down as if he was checking them over for something.

I really liked this paragraph. The description and action is great. Very well done. It creates this great layer of suspense and worry.

“The world needs its people’s defence and you and the people of the free world and it is your duty to fight, to win and to die for the sake of the human race.

I was going to put some commas in here for you but there were just so many 'ands' I was confused. Break this sentence up or re-word it to eliminate some of the ands.

I am very intrigued by why Aurelia would rather be infected than stop this thing. I'm guessing it has to do with her father? I think instead of telling us about in in Chapter 2, you could leave it as more of a suspense thing - like where is her father and why does she hate the Dronka so much? I mean, obviously the reader is going to need to know what the Dronka is before she is taken, but I would try to weave that in somewhere else maybe. I don't know, just a suggestion!

By no means did I mark all of the grammar stuff, but like the other reviewer said, that's not what's most important right now. I'm just trying to make your story more clear to the reader and flesh out the parts that aren't coming through to the reader as well as they might be to you. So please don't be discouraged! This is a really intriguing story and you have great style!

The story almost reminds me of The Host - although I have yet to finish that book so it's probably not the best comparison :)

Let me know when you get more posted. Let me know if something doesn't make sense or if you have any questions. And if you need help with anything else Miss Mentee be sure to let me know! :)

-Carly

User avatar
StoneHeart
Review
StoneHeart wrote a review Review · Apr 8, 2013

Okay! The pro's! Amazing! I will say it now, amazing! The originality of it really catches me! I have a great feeling that this is going to be a very, very original story! I love that, it's almost the most important thing for me! Your plot and theme are well displayed! I can feel them!

I kinda am wanting to go read the rest of it. . . .

Okay, so now. . . . Your problems.

I'm sorry to say it, but you have them! Your main problems are grammar and spelling. You use words all over the place that are completely wrongly placed, some are mis-spelled. You completely put your sentences together wrong. . . .

Okay, so I'm going to try to help you out here and maybe do a couple paragraphs (You need to break those down to size too).

Mistakes of the past were thought to have been learnt from. Clearly the human race were incapable of in here that.
Re-written: Mistakes of the past should have been learnt from. . . . Clearly humanity is incapable of doing that.

Clouds of dust lifted (Drifted maybe?) into the air as heavy chained tires (I have no idea what a 'heavy chained tire' is - explain or use better wording) herded its (I'm dead certain 'herded is not your word here, and I do think 'its' should be 'their') way through the Russian countryside (Re-written Clouds of dust drifted into the air as the heavy truck tires wound their way through the Russian countryside)-(Not the best, but much better) . The road was endless and puddles of grey liquid sprayed the side of the trucks (I don't get what this second half of the sentence is doing here, it should be in a separate line that continues with what follows now). as they horded (I don't think horded is your word. Rushed? Pushed their way?. . . .) through the untouched scenery. A continues line stretch (ing) up to the horizon of military trucks hording (You already mentioned that they are hording (Different word!) and that they're trucks. No need to do so twice) their way up the road, like packs of blood hounds they did not stop to let anything pass. (How and why would a truck stop to let anything pass?)


Okay! So my suggestions will not make your writing perfect, but they will help. I'd advise you to get a grammar checker, a editing buddy, or a really good nit picking reviewer (I can advise some to give a request to if you want?).

In your 8th paragraph (Which is far too large), Aurelia, says far too much. I assume Dronkans are pretty nasty guys? They seem like it. Well, if I had any brains I'd keep my mouth shut here so I didn't get shot. (Why didn't he just shoot her for embarrassing him like he did the man who laughed?)

But good work! I'm loving the originality!

Note here: Grammar and Spelling are important, knowing them saves a lot of editing time. But they are NOT the most important things in writing!.

Good luck!

~Black~



Sometimes even shooting stars find wishes that miss their marks.
— TryHardNinja