She dropped her gaze again.
The one that hinted that no one was listening,
weighed down by inexpressible dejection.
Looking at me,
as if I was a mirror that reflected everything she couldn't find in others,
her eyes seemed to be handled.
Caught between agitation,
and the uncertainty that supported her posture.
Such hollow candles.
Flames that reveal the finest of scores on
cheap glass.
She puts wonder in her tone,
speaks like a monologue with every word a soliloquy of
discolored skin.
Verses hidden underneath breaking ribs
sewn together
by an all-predominating sense of terror.
Rending heartstrings.
Hesitant touches upon crystal,
addressed in unwonted kindness.
How dreams sometimes touch other dreams:
Just barely.
I remember how violently she had been thrust aside then.
Suffocating in distress.
Flames of resentment still burned,
somberly.
There was something ascetic in her look,
with a pulse of curiosity that would trace the fabrics of my skin
and see if it left marks on her fingertips.
Her lonely eyes opened wild and wide.
The best stories pour from silent lips,
Warm lyrics stir from the aching of unloved feelings
that find comfort in the heat of kind words,
pulling them closer.
So close, fingertips can trace the rims of broken crystal.
Symphonies of tragedy turning into harmony.
With a smile she fixed her gaze on the fire,
lingering on its sentiment,
that seemed to forget about the scars on the glass.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey there!
I really enjoyed this poem. The way you've used the words with ease and brilliant flow is quite an applauder. Your language is perfect but its very vague. I understand this must be your style but honestly, add more to it. Just a little frame or a backbone to this would really help.
Also, as I said, your play with words is just brilliant so use it as an asset. Focus more on giving this a structure because it is evident that you can frame sentences beautifully.
Anddd, I'm too young so oops.
Hi there
. Good luck with your future writing endeavors!
I personally really really liked this poem. Although it's not a simple read, since you have to think and dissect each line as you're reading it, the fact that you have to take the time to go through it thoroughly adds to the enjoyment of it in my opinion.
It flows really nicely and I actually think that the enjambment of some of the lines actually helps to emphasis the words you use and draws more attention to them. This in turn helps create a better impact for the reader and drew me in.
I like the way you've set it out. It's different, and helps me know when you're introducing a new concept instead of splitting them up into stanzas. The lack of splitting actually makes the poem seem like a whole, tied-together thought but still allows for differentiation.
I would enjoy reading more poetry from you
First off, Hi there! You can call me cat, catmuff or muffy.
Okay maybe I'm just not used to it, but it was kind of hard to read your poem. I'm more used to the lines being straight I guess but it was rather hard to focus.
"Flames that reveal the finest of scores on
cheap glass."
Theres no need for cheap glass to be on a separate line. Its makes me feel like there's a pause before you say cheap glass. Like "Flames that reveal the finest of scores on ....Cheap glass" you get me?
Also detail is very important. You may have an idea of what you're going to write but be careful not to get carried away. Watch out for the tenses and grammar.
On a side note, it was beautifully narrated and there's a peaceful ambience to it.