Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I was at my library's pumpkin carving around Halloween
I volunteer there so I know the building
And the people, but still, I felt out of place
There were tables set underneath the trees
Hoards of kids yelling as they splashed paint around
And I had a sweater on, my hair done
I'm not to good in crowds
Where addicts linger at the edges
Drawn by the free hot dogs
I got my pumpkin from one of the ladies of the libraries daughter
Lingered, tried to fit in to the joking
She had a friend there though and I was not her friend, so I
Slinked off to hide
Over by the tables, I placed my pumpkin down
Examined it, grabbed a knife
Thought of what I should draw
Dots echoing the curve of the teeth, the eyes, the nose
I plotted my course and I was calm
In my element, art
But as I gutted the innards into the trash bin
Kids my age, younger, swarmed around
Two teenagers maybe a little younger, eight grade
Three or two girls about eleven
You would be shocked of the things they said
Mean things, offensive things
I minded my own business with a sinking sensation
As they said things no kids
Should say
They spoke of how disgusting gay people were
And other ignorant statements
And one of the little girls picked up her knife
Pointed it at her friend
And said, "Don't make me stab you, bitch."
I had enough
I moved a table down
And they went quiet or my ears went deaf
A few minutes later I looked up as one of them passed by
My face cold
I wondered how kids could learn
To be so awful
And was grateful I was different
Smarter, open, nice
Things I always though made me kiddish
It's good to be kiddish
I accidentally cut myself carving my pumpkins
Vampire face
I got a band-aid from a firefighter
And went to go wash the slimy orange guts from my fingers
Shaking with fury
My pumpkin looked good
A few days later it collapsed from mold
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141,264 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Hello! I really liked the poem and it has a lot of potentials.
'I'm not to good in crowds
Where addicts linger at the edges'
The word 'to' should be replaced with the proper spelling 'too.'
'I got my pumpkin from one of the ladies of the libraries daughter
Lingered, tried to fit in to the joking'
This part really confuses me because when you say 'from the libraries daughter.' I don't know if the word was supposed to be 'librarian' or if it was meant to be something else but it does not make any sense.
The second error is in the part where you said 'fit in to the joking.' In to should be replaced with into though it does not make any difference, it is dramatically incorrect.
'Three or two girls about eleven
You would be shocked of the things they said'
The only problem here is you could easily replace the word 'of' with 'by.'
'Things I always though made me kiddish
It's good to be kiddish'
Another spelling mistake, the word 'though' should be corrected to 'thought' so it makes more sense.
'I accidentally cut myself carving my pumpkins
Vampire face'
Since the face belongs to the pumpkin, there should be an apostrophe (') after the 'n' and before the 's'.
You also describe the face to resemble a vampire's face though vampire faces could look like many different things. Maybe the face has certain features that may qualify it as a vampire's face.
Though the error's made mostly consist of the spelling or grammatical mistakes, I think you should look into editing it or maybe proofreading before you publish it so these mistakes do not happen again.
This was an amazing poem!
I hope you continue what you're doing and always, KEEP WRITING!
Hello there! I noticed that this work has been in the Green Room for a while with only one review, so I figured I'd give it a read and review
I noticed that your formatting for the stanzas was lost after publication, which is unfortunate because I would have loved to read the original version of it. While this wasn't necessarily difficult to read, I think that reading it with its original formatting as well as some punctuation (which could have acted as a way to separate the stanzas from each other) would have made it even better, but again this isn't a super troubling issue.
I admire all the small details you sprinkled into this poem, such as when you wrote "And I had a sweater on, my hair done" and "I got a band-aid from a firefighter". Although these details are technically not necessary and don't do anything to further the plot of the poem, I think they contribute to the lovely storytelling feeling that I get from this (despite there being some darker subject matter).
My favorite part was the ending, though, when you wrote "My pumpkin looked good / A few days later it collapsed from mold". I feel like these two lines, while they can be taken literally, also could represent an aspect of human nature; we focus on looks and beauty so often that we can't see what's happening on the inside - mentally or physically - and in the end, beauty can never be salvaged.
The only small recommendations that I have are around small typos/wording issues.
You should write "too" instead of "to"
This could be reworded to make it a little less awkward.
There seems to be an "I" missing, and "though" should be changed to "thought"
You should add an apostrophe before the s in pumpkins to make it look like this: pumpkin's
Overall, I really enjoyed this poem; I've definitely experienced similar situations in my life and I admire how you were able to capture this moment in such a poetic way. Keep up the great work!
Thank you for the review!
And the last part with the pumpkin was very similar to your interpretation of it. About when something glossy and perfect is dashed by reality, summing up a supposed to be happy event where I witnessed ugliness firsthand, leaving me disappointed in humanity. Also, I was honestly surprised the pumpkin didn't last any longer.
Can you check again, I doesn't have comas where it's suppose, and format of stanza makes me really hard to see the beauty this poetry.