Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Chapter 1:
This is another version of If Only. Thanks for those who left constructive feedback. Especially EllenFairyBlue4.
If Only
Daniel cradled a glass of his oldest vintage.
Daniel smiled as he saw a familiar face smiling back at him. It was his lovely wife, Lyn, that meant everything to him. Her sun-lit, golden hair with a tint of passionate red flew behind her like a long trail of spider's silk as she chased after their energetic child, Jane.
The two of them, mother and daughter, laughed happily as Jane began to splash in the Mourning Pool.
He was tempted to join them. Sadly, he was the only one not properly dressed for such an occasion. Shrugging, and deciding it was worth it, he hid behind a tree with a change of clothes.
He thought to himself: The name doesn't do this place justice. This place is more than just a place of sorrow and superstition, but a place that holds happy memories dear to my heart.
He paused, listening to the sound of silence in the trees. The birds had stopped their chirping. Not a wild creature stirred.
Daniel turned his head, searching. Near his happy wife and daughter, he saw.
Ripples appeared in the water near the waterfall.
"Lyn, Jane, get out of the water," Daniel ordered.
Lyn paused. "Daniel? What's wrong?"
Daniel stumbled at the sight, trying his hardest to get there, despite his current state of dress.
Out of the water, from the ripples, arose what looked like a large midnight-blue horse. Jane cooed as the horse snorted and drew closer, "Horsey."
Daniel tripped over his trousers and swore.
Lyn gasped and pushed Jane out of the way, but not in time to save herself. For her other hand had come into contact with the horse itself. Lyn's green eyes became teary as she struggled to free herself in vain, and all that Daniel knew then was the most heart-wrenching sound in his life:
The sound of fear.
Daniel panted, shivering violently. Not from the cold, but from a frightfully real nightmarish sleep. Once again, he dreamt of her. And once again he felt the pain of loss. If only he hadn't let her and their daughter go so perilously close to that stupid horse at the Mourning Pool of God's Tears. If only he had been paying enough attention. If only he had the choice to save both his daughter and his wife that day.
Daniel gasped for air in ragged breaths. He could've done so many things, if only he had been paying attention to those 'superstitions'. If only he hadn't been...
He shook, trying to stop the tremors, as if controlling his body would have the same affect on his emotions. Blinking away the tiredness, he blearily made it to the nearest bottle and poured a generous serving. Daniel cradled a glass of his oldest vintage. "If only-"
Daniel shook his head, clearing his thoughts. He smiled mirthlessly. "Forget it."
He downed the glass.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Guess who..... yep, it's Dracula again! This review won't be long, but hopefully it'll be helpful.
The name doesn't do this place justice. This place is more than just a place of sorrow and superstition, but a place that holds happy memories dear to my heart.
I love how you wrote his thoughts, however, the last part doesn't sound like something a person would actually think. Reword it, instead of saying it holds happy memories, maybe he could recall some of his memories.
Daniel turned his head, searching. Near his happy wife and daughter, he saw.
Ripples appeared in the water near the waterfall.
This should be one sentence.
Out of the water, from the ripples, arose what looked like a large midnight-blue horse. Jane cooed as the horse snorted and drew closer, "Horsey."
This scene is so dark and eery! I love it!
So, having read this, I think it could be a good prologue, instead of chapter one. It really depends on whose point of view you're writing the novel from. I would assume you'd use Eve's, but it doesn't matter. If you're using Eve's, this should definitely be a prologue only. If you're using Daniel's POV too, it could be chapter one, but it's up to you.
woo! glad you like it! thanks.
Hey, AmyMedek
Nice imagery, comparing her hair to spider's silk. Never would have thought of that.First Impressions: Cool little fantasy piece.
Positives:
I also like that you've turned fear into a something to be sensed by more than just one sense, putting it in a new dimension. This is good as well.
Negatives: The duplication of the opening for this second paragraph is tacky.
Simple book keeping mistake, but you should always italicize text that is someone's thoughts, that way it sticks out and looks different. It's just custom.
There wasn't much of a real break here, so when he woke up, I didn't recognize it, and then I got confused.
Overall: It's in need of some pruning, but has great potential.
I give it:
Cool, thanks! I'm still working on it. Any bit helps. =)