Young Writers Society

Hello there! I'd first like to say that I haven't any of your other "Jane" chapters, so I won't really be able to analyze how this relates to other parts of this story, and if any of the story's aspects are developed and all that, but I will be discussing what I think is the plot or point of this chapter. Sorry that I'm a new reader to this story, but I do hope this review helps you! Let's see, I like how Jane appears to be a pretty typical kid, or at least that's what I assume her age is, due to how her thoughts are structured, since this definitely can appeal to your readers, especially on here, as there's a lot of young adults on here. Like Casanova said below, many people can really relate to her reflections, even if this takes place in a much different time period than their own. I very much appreciate that you have tried to relate aspects of your story to real life, as this can get your readers to remember your story, or at least inspire them to do some reflecting of their own. Kudos for that!

Moving on, my eyes are automatically drawn to the section in bold, as Casanova also had already reviewed about. I'm guessing that this is a flashback, but the way you worded it initially makes it seem like it was happening in the normal occurrence events in your story, not that it had already happened and Jane was simply reliving it to try to figure out what a Kelpie was. If you simply put a few words of how she remembered a certain day in particular, and then mess around with the tense before adding "flashback" or whatever, so you don't have to bold several lines and ultimately distract your reader. In addition, I'm so confused by how you address a Kelpie. The way your character reflects on what it could possibly be, and he's in guessing it would be a monster, because while else would her father hide it in the stables and not tell anyone about it? I also don't really get why Jane wouldn't remember about the conversation she overheard until later, as it seems to me that if I had heard something like that, I wouldn't need to go back and remember it after looking though my memories, but I guess to each her own.

All in all, this is an alright chapter. As a reader, I'm happy to have gotten more information on what a Kelpie is, but the way Jane thought about what it was did not appeal to me much. And maybe that's just me, I dunno. Overall, I think that this chapter could definitely be worked into a much more comprehensible story, with not too much effort, but I do recommend that you mess around with how this is formatted, and to change some of the wording since it doesn't really flow at all. Good job for a homework assignment XD. I hope this helped!

Heya, Amy! Casanova here with a review!

So the first thing I noticed was this is a chapter and it is the same chapter as other works of yours. Meaning they're part of the same book. I would suggest naming your book something, and putting it in the title. Otherwise some people might get confused, like I did. I went into this thinking it was a chapter one, but it's obviously not. Anyway, to the review!

I wasn't much for this story, but this part right here really got me-

Jane sighed, staring out the window. Did her dad really care about her? He said he loved her, but did he really?

She remembered having her ear pressed to the door. At first, she couldn’t make out what they said, but as she listened, the hushed words became clearer.

“Jack, I need you to do something for me,” a tenor voice spoke.

She perked up. That sounded like her father.

“Yes, Sir?” a deeper voice rasped.

Jane cringed. That voice, surely it was Old Man Jack.

“Don’t let anyone in the stables, other than you and me. We can’t let anyone else know we have a Kelpie in there.”

She stifled a gasp. No wonder father never wanted me in there.

“Of course, Sir. We can’t take any chances.”

“Thank you, Jack. I need you, since you helped me capture him. Surely you know how to keep the Kelpie in line.”

“Yes, Sir. As long as his bridle and saddle are away from him, he’s helpless.”

Jane shuddered. She had heard enough, silently scurrying back to her room.