Halgen walked through the labyrinth of halls, looking for that damned door. The halls were always shifting. She need that room. Aldis kept all the goodies there. All she needed was the crystal. She had giving him the gods damned thing to help him find the doom-spawn. Such a young fool... but he can fight. He's stronger than he gives himself credit. Honestly she didn't even know why he needed her.she taught him everything she knew. What else could he possibly need from her?
Whilst deep in her thoughts she almost passed by the door entirely. It would have passed for a quite normal door, had it not been for the glowing marks spanning it's wide face. The marks formed an archaic spell. A container spell of a sorts. Something to keep the powers inside in check.
Halgen placed her hand over a smaller set of marks where a deadbolt would have been, feeling the magic of this spell stir slightly awake. "Hníga"
The door swung open with a gust of dusty air. Halgen coughed, waving her hand in front of her wrinkled face. She would have to send Kohliina fot this room. She walked into the room gingerly, feeling her way in the purple darkness. Gods! After a few hours of searching and feeling the pull of the horde of relics and magic weapons, Halgen finally found her prise.
The crystal was a large Amethyst cut and polished to a perfect teardrop the size of a mixing bowl. It was known as Odin's Tear. For Odin had she'd this teardrop when he gave his eye for wisdom. Now it served as a scrying tool or a prophecy relic.
Halgen bundle the tear up in her long hair and walked out of the room, the door closing behind her of it's own accord.
When she reached her own room of sundry artifacts and removed the tear, she found it to be already glowing. She stared into it's depths as it gave her one of its countless secrets.
Halgen watched flashes of a battle scream past the Crystal's surface. Terror grew in her as the images became more intense, horrifying.
Halgen dropped the tear and ran down the halls. She had to warn Aldis.
He awakens!
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hi Amnesia!
I'm here to help you get this piece out of the Green Room. I'm sorry if the review sounds harsh, but I'm exhausted so it probably wasn't intended. Also, a lot of the things I would normally mention are in the review below, so I'm skipping them. I did not read the previous chapters, so if I write something here that I would not have had I read them, feel free to ignore me.
I noticed that you had several small mistakes in your chapter, typos and such. They are minor, but being the grammaratical freak that I am, they bugged me. I suggest going through the writing and reading it out loud because it helps pick out the errors faster.
I'm assuming that the blue parts are thoughts. If they are, you should italicize them to separate them from the narration.
I also think that the bold part is unnecessary. You already wrote that she "doesn't even know why he needed her" and that she had taught him "everything she knew." This makes the bold part seem redundant.
Unless "Amethyst" is a brand name, it does not need to be capitalized.
Asith mentioned this below, but I figured I'd say it too.
This does not make sense. If it's a thought, consider italicising it. If it's dialogue, put quotation marks. In this chapter, the reader does not know who "he" is referring to, so consider clarifying it.
Overall, I thought that this chapter had a lot of action but lacked the clarity to make the action resonate with the reader. It was refreshingly short, though, and didn't tax my sleep-deprived brain too much.
I might go back and read the other chapters, but I'm bad at remembering such things. Feel free to PM me in about two weeks if I haven't done so.
Keep writing,
Mira
P.S.: Happy RevMo an Review Day!
I think because of the swear right up at the beginning the chapter ought to be rated a bit higher in my opinion. Maybe 12+ at least?
So I think it's an alright chapter, but it really is much shorter than I'm used to reading- if that's your style that's completely fine, in fact you may even get more readership on YWS if you keep your chapters short - because it's a bit more manageable to get through in one sitting. However, if you're looking to eventually publish, you may want to consider writing chapters a bit fuller and then breaking up by scene.
There were quite a few spelling mistakes throughout this.
"Honestly she didn't even know why he needed her.she taught him everything she knew.
-> "her [space] she"
"She would have to send Kohliina fot this room. " "fot" should be "for"?
"Halgen finally found her prise." --> "prise" should be "prize"
"perfect teardrop the size of a mixing bowl. " --> I don't think the mixed images work here, because teardrop makes me think of something very small and circular, and then mixing bowl could be any number of sizes, it's an odd way to describe a gem.
"For Odin had she'd this teardrop when he gave his eye for wisdom. " --> no clue what this means. Need a bit more detail here.
"the door closing behind her of it's own accord." --> "it's" should be "its" because it is being used possessively rather than as a contraction.
"it's depths as it gave her one of its countless secrets." --> same thing here, "it's" --> "its"
"Terror grew in her as the images became more intense, horrifying." ---> this section would benefit from some internal dialogue.
And then I have no idea who awakens at the end, it's a bit spooky, but mostly just ambiguous.
I think you could draw out your spooky scary descriptors a bit more, really set the mood and scene, and then could also build up the tension a bit more in the chapter because it moves super quick, so the reader barely has time to process the plot.
Good luck in editing!
alliyah
Hello again. I figured I might as well review this third part as well, so we have a cohesive list of my thoughts on each chapter. I really do hope that someone else reviews this story, because I really don't want to fall into useless repetition of myself. However, I guess I'll have to say that this chapter is plagued with the same issues as the last -- lack of coherence. While you have wonderful language, I still don't see the overarching plot of this story. And worse, I can barely grasp the plot of each individual chapter, because they're so short and seem so distant from the other chapters. Try to think about it -- I swear I'm not being harsh on purpose, it's just a genuine concern I have. I'm going to review this chapter in a list form, to hopefully not just repeat what I said previously.
"Halgen walked through the labyrinth of halls, looking for that damned door. The halls were always shifting. She need that room. Aldis kept all the goodies there. All she needed was the crystal. She had giving him the gods damned thing to help him find the doom-spawn. Such a young fool... but he can fight. He's stronger than he gives himself credit. Honestly she didn't even know why he needed her.she taught him everything she knew. What else could he possibly need from her?
Beyond the minor spelling mistakes, my gripe is the use of the word "goodies". It seems out of place and juvenile for this character to be saying here, or indeed, for anyone of this fantasy world to be saying.
"Whilst deep in her thoughts she almost passed by the door entirely. It would have passed for a quite normal door, had it not been for the glowing marks spanning it's wide face."
This seems like a very strange description. If the glowing marks spanned it's face, then it's far from quite a normal door, so comparing it to one may do more harm than good. It's especially strange that the character almost passed by the door entirely if it was covered by glowing marks.
Halgen bundle the tear up in her long hair and walked out of the room, the door closing behind her of it's own accord.
When she reached her own room of sundry artifacts and removed the tear, she found it to be already glowing. She stared into it's depths as it gave her one of its countless secrets.
The passage of time here is very unclear. How far away is her room? It feels very close by, as it takes no time at all for the reader to take the character there. However, if it's nearby, then why bother tying the crystal in her hair?
"Terror grew in her as the images became more intense, horrifying.
I recommend you show, not tell. Don't tell us that the images were horryfying -- describe them to us! Or even describe how the character felt, instead of just telling us.
Halgen dropped the tear and ran down the halls.
It feels a little out of place for this character, presented to be well-learned ad careful, to drop the important crystal out of pure fear :/
"He awakens!"
I unfortunately have no idea what this line means.