Young Writers Society

Hiya again, Mem! I thought I'd drop in again to review the next bit.

I definitely liked this better than the first chapter, because I found it much easier to follow and relate to. You don't go as overboard on description, and I love how subtly you weave in the mention of hexes. It also gives me a good sense of Kiah's personality, if she's the type of person who'd throw magic around in class just because she's bored. I wonder what kind of trouble she's been in before. My guess is that magic is a secret thing in this world rather than a general part of society, so perhaps she's faced trouble over her abilities.

However, this chapter is - like the last one - much too short. I think this chapter suffers from it even more than the first one, because you cut it off right as something interesting is about to happen. Most of the chapter is just a summary of Kiah's normal and basic daily routine - she goes to class, she's bored, she comes back, she showers, she checks her phone. There's nothing particularly engrossing about this, and it felt like you were taking a long time to get to the central tension of the chapter. Then, when you do get to that tension - the potential roommate's arrival - you stop the chapter. So I'm left feeling like there was very little point to the whole thing, and I was led up the garden path only to have the door shut in my face.

I do also agree with Asith that there's basically no connectivity between chapter one and chapter two, besides the fact that they both feature magic in some capacity. I've just taken a glance at chapter three, and that completely shifts POV as well. This makes it very difficult to get invested in the story, because you're not committing time to building and developing a central conflict and a central character. Obviously, lots of good novels have multiple POVs, but the fact that your chapters are so short means that there's basically no time to settle into one plotline before we're yanked onto the next. I think you need to slow down, try and establish subtle links between the different POVs, and extend the chapters so we get a decent amount of time to get to know each different POV character.

It does also seem odd that Eskilden would just show up at her apartment without negotiating a time, but I'm guessing he's an odd sort of person, so I'll let that slide for now. I just hope that Kiah points out how odd it is for him to show up without asking her what time was best. Characters can do socially strange things as long as the other characters and narrative are aware of the strangeness.

That's all from me! Definitely a stronger chapter than the previous one, in terms of self-contained clarity, but I'd reconsider changing POVs so much and definitely make the chapters longer. I want to see this meeting with the roommate unfold.

Keep writing!
~Pan

Hello! I was putting off reviewing this chapter, because I feared that I was missing the entire point of this story, but it then occurred to me that that in itself is something worth reviewing, so here we are. This may or may not be helpful to you (I'll still review your writing in this specific chapter too, later, so don't worry), but the story is very lost on me. I think this is how most readers would feel as well. Is the first chapter connected to this in any way yet? What sort of world does either of these chapters even take place in? It seems to be some mix of fantasy and reality, but there's still no description as to what that mix is like. Of course you don't need to explain everything immediately, but leaving it this unexplained could present a problem. And I think it has, because the two chapters as they are lack coherency; and they lack purpose (at least from the point of view of a reader). I haven't been allowed to get to know these characters; I don't know what their stakes are; I don't know what life they live in. The fragmented story just doesn't pull me in, you know? I'd take some time to think about the universe this is all set in, and explaining said premise to the reader! Not directly, but in some way!

That aside, looking at these scenes on their own, they're actually written pretty well. I get a good sense of the atmosphere, and of the character's general feelings. I'm capable of picturing the scenes you write about in my head, so that's good. I still wonder if maybe I have to try a little too hard to do that though; adding more details of description, emotion, or just pacing control could help the reader a bit more!

I understand this may have come across as harsh, but that's just because I really fumble around the main logistics of your plot and premise. Your writing is definitely not bad; you have a lot of talent!

+ I wonder why the potential roommate would decide to just say he's coming to the apartment without actually talking to Kiah beforehand and arranging a time, as would be normal? Does it make sense?