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Fallen Shields: Chapter One: Hands of the throne

by Amnesia, Darrenm23


He sat upon his throne with a heavy head, ten hands caressing his body. He felt the bones of it beneath his war-scarred hands, muscles knotted under the stresses of the day. His was a simple jarldom, naught more than an abandoned district in Midgard. But it was home to many outside of normal society, the rejects of the world. Aldis could understand this... he was an outcast himself.

"Mmmm... Master? Why do you think so... do I no longer entertain you?" Spoke two voices as one

Movement at his feet brought him from his thoughts. Twin female figures floated away from Aldis, moving around him with the flowing grace of mermaids in a sea of air. Their dark skin shimmered like streams of liquid obsidian. Hazelnut eyes look longingly at Aldis from behind choppy black hair.

"Since when do you care about the inner intimacies of me and my own thoughts?", Aldis asked with a sarcastic purr.

Getting up from the throne, joints popping as he moves, Aldis walked past the two shadowy forms. He walked down the throne's dias and headed for the double doors that opened out into the corridors, the chiseled writhing stone forms of the columns soon giving way to steam era walls and lifts. Everything in this dark citadel of snow and night was made to keep up with the industrial demands of the outside world. The Dwarves did need to do something of course. How had it all gone so wrong? In a matter of just seven short years? How had he lost so much? Was he really so powerless? Could anyone man, immortal or not, really have done what he had almost completely failed to do? Did he really do as well as he hoped? These were things that could not be answered now. Only Odin could know... and Odin shared his secrets only when the time was right.

Aldis pushed past the large double doors of the throne room and out into the corridors, glass orbs filled with a luminescent liquid hung from the ceiling and walls at irregular intervals, making one's shadow jump and dance like some exotic demon. He turned a corner and found a large room with trees and Grass. A snowflake landed on his cheek. He must be outside. It could be hard to tell here. He looked up at the sky. Always overcast. Squinting in the dim light, Aldis could just make out the forms of Valkyries flying overhead. He smiled to himself. Such a beautiful world.

Aldis finally found a pair of large doors standing out in a field with no frame to be found, cast of stone and carved with Yggdrasil spanning the length of both. He placed his right flat in a small dip at the seam.

"Hníga", the doors groaned as they slowly opened. Aldis walked through the doors onto a concrete walk. This world is not so beautiful. He stepped forward onto an empty streets and sidestepped some dead animal.

I believe this is a good morning for a cup of coffee.


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Sat Sep 28, 2019 12:21 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hiya, Mem! Thought I'd drop in for a quick review.

Small Comments

He felt the bones of it beneath his war-scarred hands, muscles knotted under the stresses of the day.


The bones of what? His own hands? The hands caressing him? The throne? I was rather confused by this.

"Since when do you care about the inner intimacies of me and my own thoughts?", Aldis asked with a sarcastic purr.


To be honest, this doesn't seem like sarcasm to me. It's more just a rhetorical question. Saying that he 'purred' the words is a nice description, though.

Getting up from the throne, joints popping as he moves, Aldis walked past


Watch your tenses. Most of the piece is in past tense, but this is one of a few occasions ('this world is not so beautiful' is another example) where you slip into present tense. Keep it consistent.

the chiseled writhing stone forms


I'm kind of confused by what you mean by 'writhing'. That would suggest the columns were moving.

He placed his right flat in a small dip at the seam.


His right what?

Overall Thoughts

So, I do think this is a mysterious start to the piece. Like Asith says, you're good at creating that grand, regal but also sombre tone needed for a piece like this. You conjure up the strangeness and coldness of the setting really well, and your descriptions of Aldis evoke a brilliant sense of age and weariness. The mood of the piece is spot on.

But your description can feel a little unfinished at times, as partway demonstrated in the small comments. Sometimes you use adjectives that aren't always that appropriate, or you just use more words than are needed, making the phrasing cumbersome. Like when you talk about 'the stone forms of columns' - why not just say 'the stone columns'? It's exactly the same meaning, just delivered more concisely. I know that long, flowery language is a part of medieval-style stories, but the words still have to count. Descriptions shouldn't be long-winded for the sake of it.

The plot, as well, is really hard to make out. Aldis seems to be some decrepit old Norse god, as far as I can glean, but I didn't really make out anything more than that. There's something to be said for holding your cards close to your chest - there's nothing worse than an overabundance of exposition - but we need enough information to reel us in. I kind of want to know why he's left the castle, why he's going into this odd, ugly world with the empty streets and dead animals. We don't need to know the whole of it, obviously, but I'd like some hint as to what he's doing and why.

That said, I'm a sucker for stories that involve travelling between worlds, so I may well keep reading. It's certainly not a bad start, but it needs a bit more fine-tuning. Clearer and more economical description, a smidgen of more exposition to light the way, then you'll be golden. I feel like this chapter could be longer, to be honest. It reads more like a prologue than a chapter one.

That's all from me for now. If you've got any other questions, please do ask!

Keep writing! :D
~Pan




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Tue Sep 24, 2019 3:05 pm
Asith wrote a review...



Hello! I'm surprised this hasn't been reviewed yet, it's a really interesting start to a story! You drew me in the from the beginning, and I must say that you didn't lose my attention for the entire extract. That being said, this piece is definitely not devoid of places worth reviewing, so let's get into that :)

Firstly, I think the main strength of the piece is the language you use in your writing. The sort of medieval, flowery-toned, fantasy-speak; it really helps set the tone and atmosphere of the piece, and you have a solid understanding of using such language really well. This is why it's a shame when you occasionally let this slip away and fall into more conventional language. You do it in a few places of narration, and even the occasional line of dialogue. While they're not inherently incorrect, the loss of tone is easily noticed by any reader, and the piece loses some of its prowess. The easiest fix for this is to re-read your work, as honestly as you can manage, and try to imagine how first time readers would read it :)

I also have to say the actual plot is a little lost on me, especially regarding the ending. I enjoy the descriptions of the "kingdom", including its fall, and the concerns that this Aldis faces. However, where does it to? A first chapter should end with something happening, so readers can be hooked on the story, and can keep reading. Now, you may have done this, but I -- as a reader -- have no idea what it is. The line with the coffee -- what does it signify? It seems very out of place, and I have no idea what to make of it. I think that, once again, you should take into account how a first time reader is going to perceive your story

Besides those two points, you have a lot of raw talent in your writing! A natural story teller with a great mastery of language; keep going! :D





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