he sits up suddenly in bed with a cry
Outside, thunder booms and lightning crackles
He hears something else.
He huddles into his blankets.
one mississippi.
Another clap of thunder.
Two mississippi.
The creaking of a stair.
Three mississippi.
He's fearing for his life.
Four mississippi.
A handle on the doorknob.
Five missisi-
Too late; the storm is here.
Little did he know, it had been waiting and watching, longer than he knew.
AN: I wrote a better version of this poem last year and wanted to post it. However, I have no idea where it is, so I was kind of going by memory. So yeah. This will most likely become a story, so yaaaayy.... Too many stories, so little time.
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Hey there, Buzz here to review!
I really liked your poem, I like the innocent fear in it, the suspense and the simplicity.
This will be a fairly short review as it was a very good poem, however there is always room for improvements.
"he sits up suddenly in bed with a cry"
Here, i'm not sure if the lower case, "h" was intentional, if not, it's meant to be "He".
A minor thing but i feel it would read a bit better if it were;
"He sits up in bed suddenly, with a cry"
"He huddles into his blankets.
one mississippi."
Again, shouldn't Mississippi, have a capital letter since it's a name of a place.
I like the imagery of the boy or man huddling into his blanket, maybe a description of his fear would've worked well here?
"A handle on the doorknob.
Five missisi-
Too late; the storm is here.
Little did he know, it had been waiting and watching, longer than he knew."
I like how, the handle on the doorknob was not a person, but a storm the personification is good. But for the last line I kind of wish it had come later on, your poem feels more like a short story at times, so to make it more poetic you could add more descriptions and build more of an atmosphere or mood terror.
Overall a great piece, I hope I was of help to you.
-Buzz
Hi Amelia, Dream here with review on your poem. First of all, Happy Review Day!
Mysterious poem here. I wonder who makes him fear of his life. Not told, just highlighting the situation at the time. Honestly, I feel like the last day (Day of Resurrection) who knows?!
I like the imagery that you give, including giving some figurative language in the poem.
Interesting metaphor about how the thunder sounded like a bomb and lightning looks like cracking. * Preferably, give a little more explanations about the sounds he hears. It is able to give an impact to the reader than just saying, ' He hears something else.’
I am not sure about why you insert / what is the purpose of this one-five massissippi. Does it symbolize something?
Based on this line, could the storm that was harassing him? Then I snapped, you might talk about thunder that struck Mississippi and he was one of the victims? Oh my god, so I think what this poem is about!
Overall, good poem to read. Keep it up!
Kudos,cheers.
Hello NightWolf here to review your poem.
It's a nice little poem I particularly like the "one Mississippi" part, it really shows innocence, something you are taught at school.
You really have portrayed the fear people have during storms, and I really emphasize with the boy, so well done for that.
Flow
Can't really say much here, it flows well, nothing awkward.
Grammar
One or two grammatical issues, but nothing really major.
1. The first letter on the first line should be capitalized.
2. The first letter on the fifth line should be capitalized.
Apart from them two, I see no others.
Overall, I like this poem. It's original, it's clever how the seconds are counted. I sincerly hope you keep up the good work, well done!
I was going to say, this seems more like a story than a poem. It doesn't really flow like a poem should. It's a nice concept and I like the ending, but it's definitely more of a story. I would be interested to read it if you chose to write a story. I like how the narrator counts the seconds. Unfortunately, I am not incredibly knowledgeable when it comes to poetry so I don't know exactly what advice I could give you to improve this piece of writing. I hope you can find the original