I killed my sister. Atleast, that's what I have been made to believe. I'm not a murderer, I just couldn't save her.
My mother threw me out of the house when she found out what had happened, hadn't even let me go to the funeral. I don't understand why I got the blame, it's impossible for it to be my fault. If anything, it would be the lifeguard's fault, not mine.
It was as normal an afternoon as any. Audiya had been swimming in the pool, and she had been splashing me, taunting, and trying to force me to come play with her in the water. With as many times as she had splashed me, I knew that water was freezing cold, and there was no way in hell I was getting into that pool. She splashed me again, getting the frigid liquid high up onto my legs. I don't know what happened after that. My vision went red, and I snapped. The next thing I know, the lifeguard is manically blowing his whistle, and the pool water was slapping up against the sides, like the ocean during a storm. When the lifeguard pulled Audiya out of the pool, it was already too late. Audiya was dead.
When I got home, my mother shrieked at me. "I knew I should have never taken you in! She promised nothing like this would ever happen, and she lied!"
I still have no idea what she meant by that.
Since then, I had been in three different foster homes; the government alotted, and strange things have been happening.
At the first home, the pipes burst and the house flooded.
At the second house, it rained so hard that the roof got water damage and caved in.
At the third place, the shower busted and sprayed water everywhere.
Now I'm out of options.
Suzanna, my social worker, sighs, turning to look at me.
"We have an option for you, Casandra. One option. And since you've used up your alotted amount of homes for the year and your mother won't take you back, you must take this."
"What is it?" I ask.
She holds up an envelope between two fingers. There's a fancy seal on it.
"Briarwood Academy for the Gifted and Talented. Briarwood, if you don't already know, is a cousin of the Great President Jule."
I barely hold back a snort of laughter. Right. President Jule. He isn't quite a president. He rules the entire world. Lately though, his focus seems to be on Meridias, my home country. I don't really understand why. But hey, if his cousin has taken interest in me, it must be good.
"Gifted and Talented?" I ask, raising an eyebrow. As far as I know, I don't have any gifts or talents.
"They seem to have taken an interest in your gymnastic skills, and wish to bring you on for special schooling," Suzanna says. That strikes me as odd. I'm a good gymnast, but I'm not fantastic or anything.
"Interesting."
"Keep in mind, it's Briarwood or an orphanage."
"Briarwood it is then."
End of chapter
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140,099 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Thank you for your reviews everyone! I just had to get something our here, and this is what I got. Now that I've thought some more about it, it will be changed and the update will be posted sooonn! The typing errors are because I do everything on my Ipod, which I will go back and fix. Thank you for your comments and taking time to read this! Love you
*kisses*
This story seems almost fantastical. I'm surprised you put it in the "teen fiction" section! It's a good start for a novel that has a lot of potential, so keep it up!
"Atleast" is stuck together, probably as a typing error. Same with "PresidentJule."
"If anything, it would be the lifeguard's fault, not mine."
I think "would" is the wrong word there. It makes me think that there should be an "if" after. Try "should" or even "is."
"It was a normal afternoon as any" is a little awkward, and the "as any" is not necessary.
"The next thing I know" should be changed to "the next thing I knew."
That third paragraph can be broken into smaller paragraphs to make it easier to follow.
The mention of Briarwood could be a little less obvious. Still make the writer suspicious, but the kind of school is pretty predictable.
Also, I don't get the impression that Casandra feels anything towards the death of her sister. Is she sad, or is she too confused to care? Place some significance on her feelings, especially since you're writing in first person.
Overall, it was good but had some clarification issues. I will definitely read the next chapter.
Hello there! Here to review your work on this very fine review day! I will review as I read so that it will make much more sense for both me and you. I tend to ramble otherwise.
I am also writing an element story and I see that Sushi has already been around to have a look at this! It's always good to read where other people are taking the ideas that you have too.
Wow! I love that you've pushed us right into the middle of a strong accusation. You most certainly have my attention.
“She splashed me again, getting the frigid liquid high up onto my legs.” - The 'frigid' descriptive sounds a little forced to me, almost as you've just plucked it out of the thesaurus. You could just say freezing and it will perfectly fine
I would like to know a little more about what these two sisters look like. I can't picture the dead body of Audiya.
I like your plot and that it's leading to be about her time at this academy place. You've given us a nice look into her background and why she would be going there.
I agree with Sushi – I wasn't sure if this was in our time, our world or somewhere completely different! I don't even know if they have electricity or something yet they do something as normal as going to the swimming pool with their sisters.
Good luck and I look forward to reading more soon! Feel free to check out my Element story any time you want.
HAPPY REVIEW DAY!
Olive. <3
Sushi here hoping to give you some helpful feedback!
Plot: Okay, so the idea of your story is nice and I can tell there are great things ahead for it. This is fairly well thought out and the writing is good, it flows nicely. The only thing that bothers me is that this might as well be chapter one of your story. You tell of the past (which for a prologue would have been fine to stop there) but then you go on. I'm assuming that your main story is going to be about Casandra's time in Briarwood, but then you introduce the idea of her sister's murder. Most people will get confused and think you're writing about something you're not. (I do that to, had to change my title)
Dialogue: Your dialogue, to me, seems flawless. It adds to each character's personality and not a single word is wasted. What they say kinda of helps me imagine this as a movie, so job well done on that.
Sister's Murder: I think that for the prologue what you could have done was just focused on the murder then bring up Briarwood in the first chapter. This scene is good, but with a little more description it would be fantastic. Like the main character's turmoil over killing her little sister wold be a good thing to include. Also, just a little cold water seems a bit much to kill someone over, don't you think? Maybe have her sister do something a little more extreme?
Grammar: I'm not sure that this would qualify as grammar, but there should be a space between at and least in your first paragraph. Also, this may just be the italics, but it looks as if there is no space between "president" and "Jule".
Setting: I wasn't sure at first whether this took place here on earth or whether this was in some other magical place. You may wonder how I don't know that, but there are fantasy books that have a whole other world yet take place in normal places. (Diana Wynne Jones does this) I didn't realize until Meridias was mentioned, so I would work to clear that up somehow in the beginning, which may be difficult seeing how similar our world and your's are.
Overall: This is a good story, but I can already tell where it's going. I hope that you surprise me and twist the plot a bit along with my imagination. I look forward to seeing when the next chapter comes out and I hope that you keep up the good work. Notify me once the first chapter is up! Hope this helps.
Sushi
Hey AmeliaDay,
I'm here to review your story: "Element", The title you chose is catchy it feels like someone who's got super powers is going to be our protagonist, And this gives the story more fantasy more imagination--Wich I'm sure you've got alot from--wich makes it cooler.
The first couple of paragraphs, the part where her mother kicked her out of her house and where she moved between three diffrent orphanage, That part is awesome, I have to congratulate you you've done a great job in that part and you've succeeded in moving the reader's emotions making him feel pity for her .
Other than that your writing style is very good.Keep up the good job.Hope to see the next chapter soon.
Best regards.