Tears flowing from my eyes,
My heart groaning inside.
“Are you okay?” – the world asked,
“No I’m not”, I sighed .
Lying on the dusty ground,
My face buried in the bitter berries of shame.
The oblivion asks, “Are you brave?”
“No I’m not”- my brain’s voice.
Losing everything that I ever had,
Time slipping off my hands.
The oceans ask, “Are you daring?”
“No I’m not”- shouted my body so sad.
Deep in darkness of failure and betrayal,
Hiding in the dark rooms of my past,
The universe laughed, “Now give up, loser!”
“NO I’M NOT”- my heart declared.
For all those who lose not to lose themselves but lose for a new beginning.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
You had a sweet little message here with this poem, and i felt that the final line, though a little confusing, was quite beautiful. You're thinking deeply, and i like that that is coming out in your poetry. However, while i think you have a good concept, i believe you need to work on its deliverance.
To begin, rhyme scheme. You appeared to have and ABCB rhyme scheme going on for the majority of the poem, but broke from it in the fifth through eighth lines, and the same happens in the thirteenth through sixteenth lines. It appears that in these lines, there is no rhyme scheme. Now, i am not a fan of rhyme in general, i feel that it is restraining for most poets, and they struggle with it. If a poet really has a handle on it, then the poetry can benefit from it, having a much larger impact on its audience. However, i feel that otherwise it can interrupt and take away from the poem. So, it's up to you, but i advise either removing the rhyme completely or rewriting those unrhyming lines so that they follow the pattern. This way the poem will seem more uniform, and will hopefully flow more smoothly.
Another thing i noticed was lack of commas. i felt in many places you had left out commas where a pause was necessary. For example,
The first line is fine, but the second line, i feel could use two more commas. First of all, and this goes for every other place the phrase is used throughout the poem, too, "No I'm not" should have a comma after "No". This is generally how we pronounce the statement, with a short pause after the initial "no", and a comma would make the statement flow more smoothly. As for the second part of the sentence, there should be a comma after "body". This, too, simply simulates how one would naturally speak the sentence, so it is important to the flow to insert a comma there. i won't point out other places that i thought could use commas, but i advise you to read through your poem again and check to see if you can find any places that still need commas. If you need anymore help, please feel free to ask!
Now, the last line. i said i liked it, and i do, but i find the wording a little confusing. Perhaps inserting another word would help, changing the statement to, "For all those who lose lose not to lose themselves, but to find a new beginning." i'm not sure. It's a bit of an awkward phrase, so just try a couple different ways of saying it, and change it to whatever feels most natural.
Anyways, sorry if that seemed harsh! You have a good idea here, it just needs a little work. Thanks for the read, and i look forward to seeing your future works!
herbgirl
thanx you for reading.
Heya, Pentavalence here.
I really like this and I'm hesitant to criticize it, but here are a couple quick things.
The last line seems like a dedication: if it is, then it should be at the beginning, if it's not, then take out the 'for all' part.
"The universe laughed, “Now give up, you loser!”
“NO I’M NOT”- my heart declared."
These are definitely the weakest lines, because it's the climax, it kind of takes away from the rest of the piece. Obviously the 'No, I'm not' but goes with the theme, but 'No, I'm not give up' isn't grammatically correct nor does it sound right. I like the idea, but maybe substitute it with something similar? Also, if you're going to keep it, take out the 'you' from 'you loser'. It sounds weird and messes up the flow.
I would like to see a little bit more imagery, but what you do have is really good.
Keep it up!
-Pen
Thank u
Hey AkankshaD! I'm here to review your poem! If you have any questions or concerns concerning my review feel free to PM me or comment them. I'll always try my hardest to help you improve your writing. Now onto my review~
First of all regarding the format of the poem, I would have preferred this piece to have stanzas and proper grammar. Also I want to remind you that you don't need to capitalize every first letter of every line only if the line before it ended with a period. None of the format criticism is needed or a rule to poetry. Poetry has to rules unless you're writing a certain type of poem that has rules. You don't have to listen to my advice, hah.
The emotion and flow of this piece was really good. I liked the style of your words. I felt the last line was confusing and the repetition of the word "lose" was odd. I'd also prefer to have a bit more imagery though this poem is already very good with its imagery. This piece could be so beautiful with a bit more poetic color.
marmalade
thank you