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Enslaved

by AilahEvelynMae


I've spent all of the time

captured and enslaved

bound by my own troubles

and engulfed in flames

in an ultimate agony

every minute was wasted

focussing on myself

ignorant to the scars

that my pains have left behind

for you to swallow

now I see you suffer

but I am too defeated to stand

i cannot help you

even though its breaking me

to see you killking yourself trying

you fought a relentless battle

it was too much for you

to manage while fighting for me

so now you have subsided

to a prisoner to darkness


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136 Reviews


Points: 15350
Reviews: 136

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Fri Oct 01, 2021 4:10 am
FireEyes wrote a review...



Hey Ellie! Incoming review!

I always love to read your poetry! Here I am with a review!

I'll start with critique. The whole poem goes in one breath, or more like one scan. There is no stopping point. The poem starts with a capital and it gives the first impression that this is a sentence that will have sufficient stops in between. But instead, there are no breaks or even commas. To remedy this I would just change the first word to be lowercase. But for consistency sake you might also want to have your "i"s be lowercase. You already have a lowercased "i" in one of your stanzas. It's only a matter or making it consistent. You want to be consistent in poetry.

I think you've had a few spelling errors like

focussing
and
killking


But that's all for critique, time to praise your work! I love the whole narrative you've made. It's awful to know that you're struggling and you are taking time for yourself but you don't take the time to spend any time with your friend. And it seems like you didn't know your friend was having an internal battle as well. I've experienced something similar to this and you put it into words greatly.

but I am too defeated to stand

i cannot help you

even though its breaking me

to see you killking yourself trying
This part is so well put that it's almost cinematic! There's a whole mood for these 4 lines and it's dark and eerie. And I can hear music and see the camera pan. I don't know how you did it but it's amazing!

But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful! I love your writing and I hop I can be there for when you make new works! Anyway byeeeeeeeeeee<3




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22 Reviews


Points: 24
Reviews: 22

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Tue Sep 21, 2021 2:36 pm
averyismediocre wrote a review...



Hi! First of all, this is such a powerful poem. The way you describe guilt is really cool. I related to this poem a lot in many ways that I don't want to get into, but because of that, it just made it feel so much more powerful. I like the choice of not using capitals and making it once stanza. I think it makes it feel like never ending thoughts. Calling that feeling "enslaved" is such as accurate statement. Feeling trapped inside your mind is wild. I will say, there are a few misspellings in the poem like with killing and focusing, but other than that it's great! I can't wait to see more works from you! -Avery




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38 Reviews


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Mon Sep 20, 2021 11:02 pm
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HikariHateke wrote a review...



Hello Hikari here with a review! Let's jump right in.

I love the title you choose for this work it really works well with your story and emphasizes the theme.

Gosh I related to some of this so much, sometimes we're to caught up in our problems to even find a solution.

You did spell killing as killking so you might want to change that

Anyways I loved the poem, kudos! ❤




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84 Reviews


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Mon Sep 20, 2021 3:47 am
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dancingontheclouds wrote a review...



Hey! It's Momo, here with a review. :)

This is an amazing poem! I love the descriptive language. It's SO poetic and beautiful! I can also see myself in this poem. It's hard to help others while trying to help yourself too.

focussing on myself

You only need one s here.

i cannot help you

Given the theme you have, this i should be capital.

I also think it would be nice if you added some punctuation! Capitalization and punctuation are totally up to you, but I find that sometimes having those help the poem flow better.

That's all for now! Have a happy RevMo!
Momo





I would be a terrible novel protagonist.
— mellifera