In the blazing light of the midsummer I gazed upon the horizon as the waves splashed the rocks creating the vision of a long dreamt holiday.
As if it is peaceful.
As if I am at peace.
The whole world was swept away in the waning light of the dwindling moon who seems to be hiding behind the mass of clouds that resemble the heaviness that receeds in my heart.
Yes, it’s been long since I came here.
Yes, for the past few days my turbulent mind gave me no rest.
So I came seeking peace.
Right here.
In your shores filled with sea gulls and coconut trees that dance in the breeze that never fails to caress a lonely face.
In your arms I find solace.
The roar of your waves drowns out the swirling thoughts that run through the maze of my mind.
I am at peace at last.
Along the way somewhere I had lost myself in the endless mind numbing success driven futile attempts to live by standards set by the clueless.
I had been empty way too long to ponder upon.
The tiniest glimmer in your waves from the moonlight fills my heart with a joy that I had felt was lost to me.
I become the little kid who marvels at life.
The one who laughs his heart out in the ride of life.
One who sees the brighter side of it all.
The true dreamer.
The true seeker.
The true self.
At last after losing you for so long, I found you.
Only to realize that you never left.
I had become blind to you. Not again. Never again will I lose you. Through you myself.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Adreamer, Felistia here with a review on your short story.
Firstly, happy review day.
The story: There isn't really a story here, maybe a thin line of a plot, but not much really. You presented good hook in the beginning so that the reader is caught and has to read the whole story. The story reads more like a poem than a story to me though.
The characters: I am going to say that the main character is the sea, because that is who you are talking about all the time. It is interesting that the sea and the person writing seem to love each other if I am not mistaken.
The setting: Well I am going to included the sea in the setting. You described the sea and the coast line wonderfully. I love that you described the sea in so many different ways and at different times of day. You definitely have skill when it comes to description.
Problems: I can't find any problems in the grammar or punctuation. The sentence lay-out is great and flows really well helping the reader move smoothly from one line to the next.
I really loved it even though it is more of a poem than a short story. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Heyo Ad, Flite here for a review.
I like what you've written here, it's short and sweet and the descriptions are beautiful. Like one of your reviewers below this reads more like poetry than a short story. I've got a few suggestions though, there's a lot of pretty descriptions here and mostly stream of consciousness so perhaps that is your intent. You've invoked the mood but the content in here is a bit loose.
I'm not exactly sure about who 'you' might be and overall, I'm not sure how each of the sentences contribute to a larger picture. The protagonist is at the seaside and they are looking out into the waves under the midsummer sun, and the waves seem to take them back to their childhood but I think you can do between with the descriptions. The flow is a bit choppy here due to the short sentences, if you're aiming for a nostalgic mood I'd actually join some of those sentences. Be more specific about what scenes you want to describe, and why the sound of waves or just being near the sea brings back those memories. Right now it's a bit too ambiguous, ambiguity isn't a bad thing but sometimes a little detail is needed.
If you've got any questions, please let me know.
-Flite
Yo, Adreamer! This is a very beautiful piece you have here. You've got some strong imagery and wonderful prose, and even though I'm usually not one to like romance pieces, this sort of moved me in a way.
I've got to agree with the person below me, though. This reads more like slam poetry than a short story, mostly because you seem to be following the conventions of slam poetry than narration. You've got some intricate long sentences that need to be read with one breath, followed by short, quick ones. If this were a slam poem, I'd applaud you for it since it adds a heavier impact to what you're trying to say. However, if you wanted this to be a short story, then I'd say you'd have to make it read like a short story. That means fixing your sentences, making them a little more consistent (not very consistent, but just fixing those run-ons and probably joining some of the shorter sentences together). So knowing this, I guess it's up to you what you want this piece to be (I really do think you should keep it as a slam poem, though. It's very pretty.)
The only thing I got stuck on was your very last sentence (through you myself). I understand what you're trying to say, but it did seem awkwardly phrased to me. Maybe if you tweak it a bit, the message can come across clearer? (maybe, "never again will I lose you to myself"). I'm sorry if that suggestion doesn't help out. :/
Overall, I think you did a fine job with this. Good luck with future pieces, and have a good day/night.
This reads more like a poem than a story. Largely because of the language you are using which is more poetic than descriptive. You could easily turn this into an interesting poem. Maybe you don't want this story to be a poem though.