The Missing Ones(Full, First Draft)

by AdmiralKat

Published June 10, 2014

E - Everyone

In The Missing Ones

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It was just like any other day, as I drove into Capitol’s parking lot. I had just blown my kisses and said my goodbyes to my husband, Jay. I remembered the jet black hair and soft brown eyes and he stepped into his car to go to work. He worked as a teacher at some middle school around here.

I stepped out of my Lexus, ready for work in my professional attire, with my suitcase at my side. As the representative for Ohio, I had to try to make it to as many meetings as possible in the Capitol, no matter how stupid they were. When I entered the semicircle shaped room, I admired the beautiful designs on the ceiling that were over a century old. I turned my head to hear, Barbara, the representative from Kentucky, babbling about how we need to help all the ‘poor’ people in the United States. This is a usual topic in House Chamber, one that I never participated in.

I sat down in my chair, which was on the Republican side, though I didn’t agree with everything they said. I looked around at the mass of people and started texting my husband, Jay.

Hey, sweetie. How are you doing?

Fine, just as usual, teaching some adorable little children

Bleh. Children are disgusting. I can’t believe you can tolerate them.

Lydia, you know you were once a child.

What! No! I couldn’t have been like those stupid children. I skipped that stage.

I looked away from my phone and sighed. I glanced up to the stage, to see that the representative of Kentucky was still ranting about the so called needy people. All of sudden, he’s gone. I rubbed my eyes and looked up again. A murmur arouse from the crowd. A rouge shriek cried out. I looked around and saw that half of the people in the room were gone. This had to be a dream. People don’t disappear. I mean, I would love for some people to disappear but that doesn’t happen. I started shaking all over. The room started panicking and running in opposite directions. That’s when I realized that this could have happened all over the country. What if Jay is gone? Oh please let him be okay. I picked up my phone nervously and started texting him. I had to make sure that he was still there.

Are you okay? I’m freaking out! 0_0 Like half of the people are gone. Same with you?

Yes, I’m okay. Half of the kids are gone and the ones that are left are panicking.

I can’t get them under control!

That Sucks. Glad you’re okay!

Thanks. Same with you. Well gtg. Got to get these kids under control.

Still shaking from shock, I stood up, put my phone in my pocket, picked up my suitcase and then walked out the door. I decided to explore the Capitol to see if I could figure out what happened. As I walked out of the room, I heard two Congressmen talking nervously.

“How do people disappear into thin air? I mean I got a call from my granddad and he said that my poor kind hearted grandma disappeared,” the first Congressman explained in a mourning tone of voice.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. I got a text from my granddaughter that her mom and dad have disappeared and they were both really kind people, always donating to charities,” the second Congressman added, also sounding depressed but more frightened than that.

All of a sudden, I realized something with a shudder. The people that disappeared were the people that liked to help others. That means, the people that are left are people that cared about things that were important like the economy. I thought about this for a while as I walked down the hallway.

An idea popped into my head and I realized that the president was making a speech today about health care laws. If the president isn’t here and the government is haywire, then I could easily take charge. This plan was worth a shot. I took a deep breath and sprinted to President Lewis’s office. I dodged mob after mob, each demanding to know what was happening and when they could see their loved ones again. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, I made it to the entrance of the White House. I was surprised to see that there was no security what so ever and that calmed me down a little bit. When I finally found his office, I discovered that there was no one in there either. The only thing in his room that was seemingly alive was the camera. I breathed in and out heavily, in an attempt to try to reduce the sinking feeling in my chest as I walk over to the president’s desk.

“Hello? Hello? This is Lydia Pack speaking, the representative for Ohio. I know that all of you want to know what is happening. Where is everyone? What will happen now? Will they come back? I will answer all these questions and more. The people who are gone were loving and always cared about other people. They are all gone. The people that are still here are blessed people that actually care about important things. People, who want to advance in life. I propose we hold the people that we lost in our hearts and move on. Since we all have the same views, we can advance in technology and improve our economy. Also, as another note, since our government is missing half its people, we need someone to take control. I will take charge and make sure that all of you are pleased with the how things are run. Let us learn from our mistakes, not let the ones who have left us stop us and rise up to become the most powerful country in the world. Let us take this advantage! Thank you for letting me speak to you today. That is all.”

I heard a cheering in the background, they all loved me. I looked out the window and saw a mass of thousands of people. They had come from nowhere but still they were there. I realized that I was their hero. I had made a difference in this world for once. My swelling heart rose in my chest with pride. I got my phone out and started texting Jay to let him know about the good news.

Did you just see what I just did?

Yeah! That was streamed all over the US.

I watched your speech with some of the kids

In the classroom so they were distracted.

Really? Are you serious?

Of course. Whoa! Little kids are dragging me everywhere. Gtg.

See you later.

I look down from my phone, as a knocking arises from outside the office door.

“Is Mrs. Lydia Pack in here?”, asked an intruding voice.

“Come in,” I said, not knowing what to except.

The door opened to a tall, athletic man. He wore a FBI uniform and seemed very important in his position. I became nervous all of a sudden because he may have come in here to arrest me for trying to take over the country. However, if all of the citizens of America only care about themselves, then there is a good chance that they may agree with me. That means he is probably not here to arrest me. Abruptly, he interrupts my thoughts and starts speaking.

“I am sorry to intrude, Mrs. Pack, but I must inform you about something,” he announces nervously. What could this be about? Surely, everyone is happy about what is happening around here? “It seems that there are some people that do not agree with our ideals. We have spotted some children running into some sort of secret base. We hijacked their security cameras and heard that they were planning to overthrow the government that you have created. They also had a hospital in a western sector of the building to help other people, who were in distress. As a result, we have concluded that there are some people that are left are selfless. With these people in the way, we may not be able to proceed with our plan to help make the world more successful. Also, we have decided to call these people, the Missing Ones.”

“I see that these children could potentially be a big problem,” I acknowledged as I drum my fingers against the desk. “We may have to get rid of these ‘Missing Ones’. Could you please exterminate all the Missing Ones that you may find?”

“Yes, of course! I…”he agreed, until he was interpreted by a knocking on the door.

“Mrs. Pack! Mrs. Pack! There are armed children coming this way. They seem to be protesting against the government!” panted another officer, as he opens the door. “We have to do something about this!”

I run to the intercom and started chanting orders, “Every soldier and officer in the building needs to get rid of all these protesting children. They are a danger to our country and must be eliminated.” With this, both officers run out of the room, in response to this new command.

I sat there, lost in my thoughts. I hear screaming and fires outside the house. A shiver ran down my spine, I had to distract myself with something. I look on the desk and see all the paperwork. I pick one paper and read the Title.

Save all the puppies of America

This was garage, I throw away, it too in the bin. I read title after title, only finding a few good surviving title that I could save for later that I would pass to make the country accelerate.

All of a sudden, I hear someone beating down my door. It bursts open and I see a teenage girl standing there, armed with a machine gun. The ironic sight, petrified me. What was she doing? She probably was one of the rebels, that were trying to take over.

“Hand over the country or I’ll shot,” she threatens.

I look at her, I have nowhere to move. Nowhere to hide. I grab the intercom speaker and duck under my desk. “I need a team of 10 well armed soldiers to come immediately to the president’s office.” The girl starts shooting, a very bad aim, nevertheless cutting through the desk. In a few seconds, the desk becomes only a slab of wood that barely could protect me.

A team of soldiers burst through the open door and take down the girl. They didn’t kill her yet, for she seemed to still be breathing and alive.

Mrs. Pack, we should give you the honor of ending, all of the nonsense of this country. We have exterminated all of the other children and this is the last one.”

They hand me a knife and hold the girl down. She starts sobbing and saying little meaningless prayers. It has to be done. I raise the weapon. A scream cries out. It was all for the greater good. Let this be a lesson to all. Evil always prevails.

Comments & reviews · 4
ThereseCricket wrote a review Review · Jun 11, 2014

Hey there! Cricket here for a quick review!!!

OK, for a full draft this is pretty good. Gahhh, I love how you are writing from the viewpoint of the villain! And the part in the end when she kills the little girl. Oh myyy, give me a shotgun and let me go get her! (sorry, for the reaction..I happen to be American:P)

I'm going to go do a couple of nitpicks and maybe suggest a couple things and then go into what I like! OK? :D

I stepped out of my Lexus, ready for work in my professional attire, with my suitcase at my side. .


Four 'my's' in this small section of the sentence. Try and get rid of some, and go for a variety. Just means you need to run through your work, and look for spots that are too redundant. :D

A rouge shriek cried out


Well with this one I'm a bit confused really. A shriek cried out? Maybe she heard a shriek?

which was on the Republican side, though I didn’t agree with everything they said.


Now this can be told later on. Or maybe in dialogue. Like so and so said" why are you even over on this side, Lydia?" and so forth. lol not exactly a perfect example,but it kinda sounded like an info dump to me. Just make sure you don't do info dumps. There is nothing worse in the world that will bore a reader to death than a info dump! Now I'm not saying that this particular line was just reeking of info dump, but certain spots elsewhere in the piece did. I'll go into those later those. :D

As the representative for Ohio, I had to try to make it to as many meetings as possible in the Capitol, no matter how stupid they were.


Hmmm, is that really true? Wouldn't she only have to go to the ones that involve her state, or the ones that are of importance? Now I'm not exactly an expert on this, but I think that you need to research this, and make sure. Another mistake that writers LOOOOOVVVVEEE to make is not doing their research, and ending up getting a fact wrong. So always do your research! If it skips past your editor, I can tell you that its not going to get past your readers. :D Hope that helps a bit!

This was garage, I throw away, it too in the bin.


This whole line needs to be rewritten.

Maybe like this!

That was garbage. I threw it away, into the bin


Not exactly the perfect example,but there were a couple of grammar mistakes in there, and some warped sentence structure. Don't worry..nothing that can't be fixed! :P

“Hand over the country or I’ll shot,” she threatens.


Gahh, I hope I'll be able to do the same thing if the need arises! Get out the AR-15's!! Take them on out! Ohhh, lost track...anways...back towards the review "Shot" should be "shoot". And I would maybe describe the gun a little. What caliber is it? Just how big is it? Maybe its color? I know I know! Machine guns usually are big. But it usually depends on the make and model, and also how old it is. Like the one my dad has, is like half the size to the one that my grandpa had 30 years ago. But of course it shoots just as good, if not better! So yeah, if you are getting into a government conspiracy kind of book, you definitely need to get into the arms and ammunition while you're at it.

Ohh, and I have another little something that I'm concerned about! Where are the old presidents guards? Did they disappear? Run in panic? Now if you decide and take my advice and tell us about them, make sure you don't make it into a info dump (I'm just repeating myself with that aren't I? :P)

becomes only a slab of wood


"Becomes" should really be" became". Sorry, if this is a dummmm nitpick...

There are armed children coming this way.


OK, I personally didn't find this very realistic. I mean..armed children? Half the kids nowadays hardly ever shoot guns! And the ones that do, wouldn't be living in the city (especially Washington D.C.!). You need to keep it realistic, and easy to understand. Washington D.C has the strictest gun control laws, across practically the entire nation. Probably doesn't even compare with Chicago's gun laws. Those kids just wouldn't have guns. Unless there was already a secret organization underway, and they had A TON of guns stored up, away from the governments reach.

Could you please


She wouldn't be saying PLEASE. She'd be saying it; ordering them to do it! I also have some concerns with this general guy. NO MAN, no matter how adapted he is to woman being in the government and stuff, will just take orders from a woman without at least having second thoughts on the matter. Make sure you show a LITTLE hesitation on his part, when it comes to her (yes, I'm a girl: P)

and take down the girl


"Take" should be "took". Gahhh, I'm so sorry if half of these nitpicks are soooo dumb! :D

OK, now to be honest I think this chapter is moving just waaaaaaaaayyyyy to fast. Its what? First chapter? And already she's gone to a Senate meeting, had a text/conversation with her husband, half the nation has disappeared in thin air, she has proclaimed herself as head of the United States, we have found out that a society or group of children are conspiring against the government, and an assassination has been attempted against her. I don't know about you...but that's just a bit too much in my opinion. :P So try and slow it down and this will turn into a incredible story will well thought out characters. :D

Comments and stuff

OK, from what I've read this has some unique elements. I've never read something that talked about a evil female president, and that's well...pretty unique in my opinion. I think that if you slow it down then you could take this into an extremely well developed story, with a female antagonist as the head. I mean how could it not get better! lol, anyway.....

From what I've seen I'd say you've spent a while trying to work out a plot, and that's severely cool in my massively important opinion. :P Anways...tell me if you post next, cause I'd love to review for you!! See ya!!

The main character happens to be one of my best friends and Jay is the name of the person I really like. :D

Oh, that's pretty cool! Do they know about that!

Well, my friend knows about that but the person I like, well, I hope he doesn't know XD

haha, I'd be pretty embarrassed if I were you and he found out. Gahhh, that would be soooooo embarrassing!!! :P

User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review Review · Jun 10, 2014

Hello Katya, Wolf here for a magical review. (Please excuse any grammatical/spelling errors, for I am on my phone.)

Alrighty, so I see you've ignored all the advice I gave you in the previous review xD You might just want to fix those things. *Refresher: I lied! There is none!*

Some more nitpicks:

“Is Mrs. Lydia Pack in here?”, asked an intruding voice.

No need for the comma after the question mark.
However, if all of the citizens of America only care about themselves, then there is a good chance that they may agree with me. That means he is probably not here to arrest me.

Oh, he's not going to arrest Lydia? Really, she's apparently the president now. You don't need to tell us this.
We have spotted some children running into some sort of secret base.

When children is said, I always imagine 5 to 10 year olds. I'm guessing you mean teenagers. Also, really? A rebellion already? It's been less that five minutes. I do understand that you were in a rush to finish this, and I'm not going to judge you too much for this. Though, if you do rewrite this, keep in mind the pacing of events. Usually a rebellion would wait at least a month before an attack.
This was garage, I throw away, it too in the bin.

I don't understand. Do you mean this:
"This was garbage; I throw it too away in the bin."?

Anyway, I really did like this. For trying to finish this in about a week, it was quote well written. Granted, there is still lots of room for improvement. If you do ever want to rewrite this, I'll be there to help you if you need ;D Keep Writing,
~Wolfare

User avatar
r4p17
Review
r4p17 wrote a review Review · Jun 10, 2014

Knight r4 here to review your work work Kat. I certainly hope this helps!

So I suppose we should get through the nitpicks I found first.

"I can’t get them under control!" this should be in bold instead of italics I believe.

"I watched your speech with some of the kids" This again needs to be in bold"

"I look down from my phone, as a knocking arises from outside the office door." This is in the the present tense. I think I might have seen another instance of this earlier on though maybe not.

"However, if all of the citizens of America only care about themselves, then there is a good chance that they may agree with me. That means he is probably not here to arrest me. Abruptly, he interrupts my thoughts and starts speaking." Again you start writing in the present tense. You need to edit that out.

"Also, we have decided to call these people, the Missing Ones.”" This is rather out of place. The also doesn't flow well. And why do you need this capitalized.

"“Mrs. Pack! Mrs. Pack! There are armed children coming this way." Okay this whole scene is rather unrealistic. How would children get guns?!

"I run to the intercom and started chanting orders..." chanting isn't a very good word to use here. Perhaps you should try shouting or yelling. Also you AGAIN start writing in the present tense. Make up your mind

"I hear screaming and fires outside the house." This is in the present tense and you cannot hear fires. You see and feel them.

“Hand over the country or I’ll shot,” You need another "o" here.

"The girl starts shooting, a very bad aim, nevertheless cutting through the desk." Really! This is totally unrealistic!

"This was garage." I think you meant garbage.

This moves way too fast! And the second half is all unrealistic. At first you say that there were no guards and then there are all of a sudden. And how did this lady randomly decide to become a dictator? Why would she be accepted so easily? This doesn't really make sense.

The writing itself was ok but the story was horrible. You also switched tense a whole lot! I think this needs a lot of work.

User avatar
Mackattack
Review
Mackattack wrote a review Review · Jun 10, 2014

OK overall its a good story with a solid foundation. I think your just rushing into this too much. I suggest you take it slow and develop you characters more. I keep getting lost, because of how quick it goes. This is a good story though I like the uniqueness of it, and how you already know who the story is going to mostly be about. One thing you did that i absolutely love is how you are writing thing in the villain's point of view. It is very unique, just like yourself.

:-) -Mackattack

This story was a rush. XD I had to do it for class in like 2 hours so yeah. XD

Are you still in class?

No. I just forgot to post it. XD

Its raining here wolf is so lucky to be in flordia



We are not to simply bandage the wounds of victims beneath the wheels of injustice, we are to drive a spoke into the wheel itself.
— Dietrich Bonhoeffer