It was just like any other day, as I drove into Capital’s parking lot. I was ready for work in my professional dress and with my suitcase at my side. As the representative for Ohio, I had to try to make it to as many meetings as possible in the Capital, no matter how stupid they were. As I entered into the room, I heard Barbara, the representative from Kentucky babbling about how we need to help all the ‘poor’ people in the United States. This is a usual topic in House Chamber, the room that we work in, day in and night out.
I sat down in my chair, looked around at the mass of people and started texting my husband, Jay.
Me:Hey, sweetie. How are you doing?
Jay:Fine, just as usual, teaching some adorable little children.
Me:Bleh. Children are disgusting. I can’t believe you can tolerate them.
Jay:Lydia, u know u were once a child.
Me:Wht! No! I couldn’t have been like those stupid children. I skipped that stage.
I look away from my phone and sigh. I glance up to the stage and the representative of Kentucky is still ranting about the so called needy people. All of sudden, he’s gone. I rub my eyes and look up again. A murmur arises around the crowd. I look around and see that half of the people in the room are gone. This has to be a dream. People don’t disappear. I mean, I would love for some people to disappear but that doesn’t happen.
I pick up my phone and decide to text Jay to see if he is okay.
Me:R u k?
Jay:Yes but the children, tht r left r panicking. I can’t get them under control.
Me:Tht Sucks. Glad ur k!
Jay:Thanks. Same with u. Well gtg. Got to get these kids under control.
I stand up, put my phone in my pocket, pick up my suitcase and then walked out the door. I decide to explore the Capital to see if I could figure out what happened. As I walk out of the room, I hear two officers talking.
“How do people disappear into thin air? I mean I got a call from my granddad and he said that my poor kind hearted grandma disappeared,” the first officer explains.
“Yeah, I know what you mean. I got a text from my granddaughter that her mom and dad have disappeared and they were both really kind people, always donating to charities,” the second officer adds.
All of a sudden, I realized something. The people that disappeared were the people that liked to help others. That means, the people that are left are people that cared about things that were important like the economy. I thought about this for a while as I walked down the hallway and then it struck me. Jay was someone that cared about other people, why was he still here? Maybe, almost all the people who were caring had disappeared for some reason. If I managed to get rid of those people, then I could have a good chance to have politics to go the way I wanted it but how?
An idea pops into my head and I realize that the president was making a speech today about health care laws. If the president isn’t here and the government is haywire, then I can easily take charge. I run to his office to find no one. The only thing in his room that was seemingly alive was the camera. I breathe in and out heavily as I walk over to the president’s desk.
“Hello? Hello? This is Lydia Pack speaking, the representative for Ohio. I know that all of you want to know what is happening. Where is everyone? What will happen now? Will they come back? I will answer all these questions and more. The people who are gone were loving and always cared about other people. There are some left, but for the most part, the people that are still here are people that actually care about important things. People, who want to advance in life. I propose that we get rid of all these caring people, so that we can advance in technology and advance in our economy. If you spot anyone or know anyone is caring and that will stop us from advancing, report them to the Capital, in Washing D.C. They will be known as Missing Ones. Also, since our government is corrupt, I will take charge and make sure that all of you are pleased with the how things are run. Let us learn from our mistakes and rise from the dusts of corruption and forget the ones that have left us. Thank you for letting me speak to you today. That is all.”
I hear a cheering in the background, they all love me. I am their hero. I have made a difference in this world for once. My heart rises in my chest with pride. I get my phone out and start texting Jay.
Me:OMG! Did u just c what I did?
Jay:Yeah! That was streamed all over the US.
Me:Really? R u cereal?
Jay:Of course. Woah! Little kids r dragging me everywhere. Gtg.
Me:C u later.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello Kataya, Wolf here to review.
So little itty-bitty nit-picks.
You forgot the second comma after 'Kentucky'.
Another thing, even though you can see these as texts, we can not. Try italicizing the text messages to make this a little more clear.
So here, the 'and' by itself, doesn't really fit. I would recommend changing it to 'and see' or 'to see.'
Now that's over with, I will continue on to the concept. So Lydia may be an evil person, and just all around hate everything, may even be a mastermind, but I seriously doubt she would be this calm. Along with everyone else. I mean really, someone who was just there in front of you just goes poof! I don't believe that someone would just brush it off.
Also, Lydia instantly hears cheering after she gives her speech, from where? No one was in the room where she was, and I doubt anyone could cheer loud enough to be heard inside the White House.
One last thing, her husband. He's supposed to be watching kids. How in the world does he see her speech? I don't think that a TV near children would be on a political channel watching the president.
Okay I lied, this is the last thing. Lydia writes like a 13-year old. Adults will not use chat speak like that, I promise you. They may use it slightly, but not so overloaded like that.
Overall, I like this start. Knowing you just started this (or most of this) today, this was quite good! Keep me posted when the next part comes out!
~Wolfare
Okay Dinakins. Let me review your review. Thanks for the grammar. That always helps. She can just brush it off but I can make she more nervous. She can hear cheering because it is loud(lol). I should clarify Jay is a teacher so there is a tv in the classroom that is on at the time.
Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
Alright, there isn't really anything I can say about your grammar and spelling so I'm going to skip right to the content of your story.
I feel like it's rushed, a bit unrealistic. If this happened in real life, your MC wouldn't be able to figure it all out so quickly and make a difference. She'd probably be just as confused as everyone else and maybe have a tiny idea about what's going on, but she wouldn't figure it all out at once. Also, when she texts Jay the second time, I feel like she should make a sort of introductory text. Like, "OMG honey, half of the people in the room just disappeared". And then he could be like "Yeah, same here...weird". And then she could ask if he's okay. That would work much better in the story I think.
Okay, I lied. I have a grammar thing to point out. Well, I don't know if it's really grammar related, but whatever. So when Jay and your MC are texting, it should really be in italics. That way it'll be separate from the actual story. I think it'll help distinguish between the two.
I disagree with fallen below me about the text language. When it's written in the context of a text, it's completely fine. In fact, it would be totally unrealistic if you did it otherwise. I mean, who out there texts in complete grammatical sentences? Besides me, but you know... xD
This is a great start to your story. I can't wait to find out what else happens with your MC and this situation that she's gotten herself into. Also I'm looking forward to a little more description. What exactly does the room look like? What kind of world do they live in? Obviously they're in the United States, but is it in the future? The present? I want to be able to pick up on these things while I'm reading.
Please let me know when the next part is out! I will gladly review it
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thanks so much for the review. It is really helpful in helping me find out what I need to be more descriptive on. I will be sure to take your advice and rewrite this story. Thanks again.
Hello, Seb here for a review ^^
(I went to a House meeting once; everyone ignored the speakers and played on their phones). Also, the security in the White House is way tighter (they literally have gunmen on the roof), and there's no way Lydia would have been able to run into the White House and into the president's office. Even with the chaos, that wouldn't be possible. Actually, it wouldn't have even been possible for her to have gotten from the Capitol Building to the White House in that short period of time.
)
I liked your piece, and I'm looking forward to reading the other parts when they come out!
I really enjoy the plot you're setting up here. It seems like it could develop into a very interesting story (novel?), and I think it has a lot of potential. You clearly know what you intend to do with this story, so props for that!
Within the first section, you've already set up your setting and introduced your characters and plot, but I think you did it a little too quickly. You introduce too much information way too quickly, which can confuse your reader.
You really rushed introducing the plot. A good story should have an well defined exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, and resolution. You really blurred the lines between exposition and rising action here. You should spend more time introducing the setting, the characters, and the characters' lives before you go into the plot. Let us get to know who the characters are, what their lives are like, what they do, etc., before you start telling us what's truly happening in the story.
So, in your case, I would recommend spending more time introducing Lydia, Jay, Lydia's job, and the setting. Have Lydia go through a little bit more of her daily schedule, through more of the House meeting, before you start telling us about the people who disappear.
Next up: did you do research for this piece? It seems a little unrealistic regarding how the US government works. House meetings run a very specific way, though you got the people texting in the middle of speeches spot on
Regarding realism, Lydia's character also seems a little unrealistic--especially for a politician. She and Jay don't really seem to talk like adults, and she's very blunt about how much she hates people. Was she like that when she was running for election? Granted, a lot of politicians think like that, but talking like that certainly won't win you votes.
The reactions to the situation isn't very realistic either. Everyone seems too calm. If someone disappeared in front of a hundred people, people would be freaking out. They would be screaming rapture, screaming about their families, panicking. Everyone is way too relaxed about the situation, and Lydia figures out what's going on way too quickly. It seems unrealistic that she would make those connections so instantly. Granted, she could be a genius/incredibly smart, but you should make that known so it doesn't seem so out of the blue that she can make those connections.
Okay, from here I only have a couple of specific corrections.
When you say "Capital," I assume you're referring to the Capitol Building. If that's the case, the correct spelling is "Capitol." (I always get confused about what capital/capitol to use where... I had to look it up
I think I'm done here. I apologize if I was harsh... I'm not very good at doing compliments in reviews :/ I really did like the piece, though! And like I said, I look forward to reading more ^^ let me know when you upload part two!
Thank you so much for reviewing, this will help me A LOT! I am probably going to rewrite this and expand. I think I could turn this into a novel. One thing I have to say is that about the security is that since they care about people they have to disappear so there is no security. Again thanks so much!
Why, hello there. This is Jared with another review.
First, I'll start with some nitpicks. Offending parts will be enclosed in brackets, as will additions.
This is an awkward sentence. Rephrase to: "I was ready for work in my professional dress, with my suitcase at my side."
Tense change. You go from past (in previous paragraphs) to present in this case.
Another tense change.
First of all, this part is pretty odd. Besides that, you can see where I inserted a comma.
This is all in the present tense, where as a good 50% of your story beforehand was past tense. You need to be careful about keeping the tense the same, or the story is just odd.
Normally, I try not to slice a fictional story up too much. But, this likely would never happen. If people did disappear, the remainders are not likely to "...rise from the dusts of corruption and forget the ones that have left us..." because a representative tells them too. I know, this is a fictional work. But it's still nice to stay within the realm of "this is realistic" and not "how could this ever happen".
I take issue with this ending. It's not truly a real ending, actually. Not only does it not feel realistic, I think it's not likely that a representative would text like a 10 year old to her husband who's probably around the same age.
Now, for some praise (I do this with every piece I review). I don't want to leave you feeling discouraged. I am only here to help, not disparage. I think, especially in the beginning, you created a suitable environment. Unfortunately, you didn't back it up with proper details. It's important to create a good environment for the reader to explore. In order for an environment to be very realistic, you have to have a realistic and succinct description.
You were able to keep me somewhat interested, despite the errors. I think if you keep the tense the same and make a better environment, the casual reader would be able to enjoy it more. Also, as I mentioned before, even with a fictional work, unless you provide a reasonable explanation (like, the reason everyone was willing to abandon their family because a representative told them so was actually because the representative placed them underneath an enchantment), you should keep everything somewhat realistic.
If I were you, I would continue to work on maintaining tense and providing proper details. Also, yes, I understand this is a work of fiction.
Thank you for helping me figure about the problems about grammar because I sure need help with that. I realized just now how much my tenses were suffering.(weird sentence there). I will also take all your advise. Thanks so much!
No problem. I accidentally posted a second review when I was trying to edit my original review (I don't even know how I did). Hopefully someone who can fix it will remove the extra review and revoke the points I earned for the extra review.
Alright let's make this annunced (*waves*hey is fallen here to review excuse themispellings) Don't write i n text ever. Spell out the words by using text it brings the quality of the writing down trembulously. Also I'm not sure why you did Jay: talks then me:IKR?! Try to get rid ofthat and justdescribe use I/1st person it will help. Unless these are text messages. Beside that your story was quite good and I belive you have many possibilty withplots. Overall, keep up the work, and always Edit first
For this story, I may say, I was a bit rushed because I wanted to post this for free. In my word document, the texting actually looks like texting, with the bubbles and all. I do that to establish that Lydia doesn't actually care about what is happening(at the start of the story) but as the plot goes on she wants to tell Jay about everything. The reason why I include Jay is that he is going to be the teacher of the good guy in the story and that is my friend's role. I hope to post her story for her because she doesn't have an account here. Thanks for commenting though. I could find a way to send you the way the story looks in word.