It was just like any other day, as I drove into Capitol’s parking lot. I had just blown my kisses and said my goodbyes to my husband, Jay. I remembered the jet black hair and soft brown eyes and he stepped into his car to go to work. He worked as a teacher at some middle school around here.
I stepped out of my Lexus, ready for work in my professional attire, with my suitcase at my side. As the representative for Ohio, I had to try to make it to as many meetings as possible in the Capitol, no matter how stupid they were. When I entered the semicircle shaped room, I admired the beautiful designs on the ceiling that were over a century old. I turned my head to hear, Barbara, the representative from Kentucky, babbling about how we need to help all the ‘poor’ people in the United States. This is a usual topic in House Chamber, one that I never participated in.
I sat down in my chair, which was on the Republican side, though I didn’t agree with everything they said. I looked around at the mass of people and started texting my husband, Jay.
Hey, sweetie. How are you doing?
Fine, just as usual, teaching some adorable little children!
Bleh. Children are disgusting. I can’t believe you can tolerate them.
Lydia, you know you were once a child.
What! No! I couldn’t have been like those stupid children. I skipped that stage.
I looked away from my phone and sighed. I glanced up to the stage, to see that the representative of Kentucky was still ranting about the so called needy people. All of sudden, he’s gone. I rubbed my eyes and looked up again. A murmur arouse from the crowd. A rouge shriek cried out. I looked around and saw that half of the people in the room were gone. This had to be a dream. People don’t disappear. I mean, I would love for some people to disappear but that doesn’t happen. I started shaking all over. The room started panicking and running in opposite directions. That’s when I realized that this could have happened all over the country. What if Jay is gone? Oh please let him be okay. I picked up my phone nervously and started texting him. I had to make sure that he was still there.
Are you okay? I’m freaking out! 0_0 Like half of the people are gone. Same with you?
Yes, I’m okay. Half of the kids are gone and the ones that are left are panicking.
I can’t get them under control!
That Sucks. Glad you’re okay!
Thanks. Same with you. Well gtg. Got to get these kids under control.
Still shaking from shock, I stood up, put my phone in my pocket, picked up my suitcase and then walked out the door. I decided to explore the Capitol to see if I could figure out what happened. As I walked out of the room, I heard two Congressmen talking nervously.
“How do people disappear into thin air? I mean I got a call from my granddad and he said that my poor kind hearted grandma disappeared,” the first Congressman explained in a mourning tone of voice.
“Yeah, I know what you mean. I got a text from my granddaughter that her mom and dad have disappeared and they were both really kind people, always donating to charities,” the second Congressman added, also sounding depressed but more frightened than that.
All of a sudden, I realized something with a shudder. The people that disappeared were the people that liked to help others. That means, the people that are left are people that cared about things that were important like the economy. I thought about this for a while as I walked down the hallway.
An idea popped into my head and I realized that the president was making a speech today about health care laws. If the president isn’t here and the government is haywire, then I could easily take charge. This plan was worth a shot. I took a deep breath and sprinted to President Lewis’s office. I dodged mob after mob, each demanding to know what was happening and when they could see their loved ones again. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, I made it to the entrance of the White House. I was surprised to see that there was no security what so ever and that calmed me down a little bit. When I finally found his office, I discovered that there was no one in there either. The only thing in his room that was seemingly alive was the camera. I breathed in and out heavily, in an attempt to try to reduce the sinking feeling in my chest as I walk over to the president’s desk.
“Hello? Hello? This is Lydia Pack speaking, the representative for Ohio. I know that all of you want to know what is happening. Where is everyone? What will happen now? Will they come back? I will answer all these questions and more. The people who are gone were loving and always cared about other people. They are all gone. The people that are still here are blessed people that actually care about important things. People, who want to advance in life. I propose we hold the people that we lost in our hearts and move on. Since we all have the same views, we can advance in technology and improve our economy. Also, as another note, since our government is missing half its people, we need someone to take control. I will take charge and make sure that all of you are pleased with the how things are run. Let us learn from our mistakes, not let the ones who have left us stop us and rise up to become the most powerful country in the world. Let us take this advantage! Thank you for letting me speak to you today. That is all.”
I heard a cheering in the background, they all loved me. I looked out the window and saw a mass of thousands of people. They had come from nowhere but still they were there. I realized that I was their hero. I had made a difference in this world for once. My swelling heart rose in my chest with pride. I got my phone out and started texting Jay to let him know about the good news.
Did you just see what I just did?
Yeah! That was streamed all over the US.
I watched your speech with some of the kids
In the classroom so they were distracted.
Really? Are you serious?
Of course. Whoa! Little kids are dragging me everywhere. Gtg.
See you later.
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Hey Katya, Wolf here finally for a review
I'm sorry it took so long, my parents kept giving me chore after chore to do. But let's five right into it shall we? I have one tiny little nitpick.
I believe this should be *she's gone. Since the representative of Kentucky is named Barbra, I do no think this is a male.
There was one part where you got the text messages messed up. It was the second group texts. You had an extra one from Jay which you italicized, instead of boldes and you got the rest of hen messed up (Lydia said she needed to get some kids under control).
This just got tons better. I love how you added in little details, and you had some nice imagery (though I would suggest to add a little bit more. Like what's the White House look like? What's the room she's in at the beginning look like?)
Some things did seem a not rushed, like said earlier, the phone calls, but I do understand the quickness of the speech, and I like how here you have a reasonable explanation as to why she was able to get this done so quickly. But like I said in the last review, maybe take some more time before she realizes why this happened. Maybe allow her to realized before th speech, when the loving president is nowhere to be seen.
One more technical thing, is that you have a lot of mega paragraphs. The dialogue, I can understand, but it is still possible to split it up and still have her talking. Just look to good breaks after about 5 or so sentences, and if you don't find one look earlier. Just makes it easier to read.
Anywho, can't wait to see more! Keep Writing,
~Wolfare
Okay... let's get started with a couple things I need to go over. Please keep in mind, I am in no way insulting your piece without the intention of making it better. I'm simply providing constructive criticism, and if you don't see it that way, please tell me and I'll apologize.
1. When you are writing stories with quasi-unbelievable, extraterrestrial, or otherwise unnatural events, people need to react convincingly. Emphasis on REACT. More on this later.
2. Text messages work well with certain situations, but if you want to include voice intonation to help develop a character, make sure to use at least a phone call to open up opportunities to use some adverbs after 'said', such as 'she cried wildly'. You get the picture.
First off, reaction is key. An invaluable rule for creating confusing situations is this: Don't rush it. Instead of using a line of text such as this...
"All of sudden, he’s gone. I rubbed my eyes and looked up again... I looked around and saw that half of the people in the room were gone. This had to be a dream. People don’t disappear... I started shaking all over... That’s when I realized that this could have happened all over the country."
... think about altering it to make the reaction slower and more believable. For example:
"All of a sudden, the speaker stopped mid-sentence. I glanced upward from the text message I sent, a bit curious as to what the interruption could be.
My breath caught in my throat. The phone in my hands slipped and fell to the ground, striking the floor with a metallic thud and causing spiderweb cracks that spread across the screen in an instant. However, I was far too preoccupied with the situation unfolding in front of my eyes to even register something that insignificant.
The speaker from Kentucky was... gone. There was no other way to describe it. No remnant of her being there just a moment ago was visible - no clothing, no necklace, no bracelet, no earrings, nor any other jewelry item that I remembered her carrying had been left behind; it was as if reality itself simply forgot she had existed. In fact, a similar situation looked to have befallen many of the House members, as empty seats replaced nearly half of the politicians that were sitting in them merely a few minutes before.
The room was so silent during the long moment after their disappearance that I swear I heard a pin drop. That moment was shattered when the House of Representatives devolved into a state of virtual anarchy."
You see? In order to create a believable state of utter confusion, you often have to draw out several seconds in the story by saturating it with imagery describing the scene. This helps to convince the reader that yes, despite their justified doubts and knowledge of the laws of physics, this incredible event has indeed happened - and that's something you need to do if you want to keep their attention. Brushing over such things as if they're minor plot points is a bad idea. I find that elaborating on a simple fact several times over, like the second example paragraph above, helps add to the idea, since real people in similar situations will repeat such simple facts or phrases over and over again in their heads (for example, after the 9/11 disaster, one eyewitness recalled thinking 'I can't believe this is happening' repeatedly for several minutes as he struggled to comprehend the event that had just taken place). But, as I can very assuredly tell you, your main character, no matter how intuitive she is, would not make the connection between disappearing people and virtuous people within five minutes of the event, even if two Congressmen received calls after the disappearances - which has happened in the last fifteen, thirty seconds at most? Their phone conversations would have been limited to "Hey, your grandma's gone. Bye."
And - please, note again, I'm not trying to unfairly insult your piece, but it needs to be said - the result of her ending speech doesn't make sense. Nobody would cheer for her or anyone else while still dealing with the shock of family members disappearing in front of their eyes with no guarantee of getting them back. That has a much greater emotional impact on a person than what's portrayed here. In fact, it would be more believable if you imagined the peoples' reactions as if their disappeared loved ones have just died - which is true, in a way.
Another point: This event has literally just occurred. A speech that includes such questions as 'What will happen now?' is usually given after it is established that something has actually happened - a process that takes at least a few hours for the event to sink in to the general population.
In short, creating a situation where something unbelievable happens is nothing that should be taken lightly. In fact, those moments will often make or break a novel for the reader. Above all else, please don't rush them.