Published March 7, 2014
Friendly hours soon led to sundown. With chatting and playing and all sorts of trivial things, the three felt like they’d known one another since forever. Dinner was done. Lex didn’t bother to ask what it was, the same way he felt no need to question his mother about the meals she gave him. He just ate his fill and enjoyed. Bengushi had just retired to his room, after warning them firmly to head straight to bed and not to disturb him from his studies and meditation.
As Lex was jumping into bed, he began to find it strange again how long this dream of his was enduring, and how vivid and real it felt. He sat on his bed, his pillow in his lap and his back against the wall. Clover lay on her side, looking up at Lex. His heart fluttered as he looked down at her, and as her beauty forcefully came back to him. I’d really hate to wake up now. This sure beats that test I’m sure to flunk tomorrow… Maybe if I fall asleep now the dream will end… I better stay awake for as long as I can. Kyle stared up at the board roof, imagining himself in history books as the legendary swordsman who killed Trium. Still, the more he pictured it, the more impossible it became. He uttered a heavy sigh, then yawned, and closed his eyes.
A question that somehow evaded Lex’s mind earlier on suddenly came back to him. “Hey, what’s school like here?”
“School? Ha.” Lex looked over at Kyle, wondering if that could possibly be a silly question. “That’s a rich kid thing,” Kyle said, “for spoilt, snot-nosed brats who grow up thinking they’re better than everyone else.”
“You only say that ‘cause you don’t get to go to school!” Clover came in, dragging Lex’s attention, “You’re always like that – I can’t have it, so it’s not worth having!” Kyle made another snicker that annoyed Clover.
“Really the best way to look at things. When you reach my age you’ll probably start to think like an adult.”
“Please! You shouldn’t act like you’re that much older than me! You’re still a kid, too!” Lex laughed at the trivial argument, feeling a kind of happiness that he never felt back home.
“Anyway,” Kyle continued, dismissing Clover, knowing how much that irritated her, “there’s general school that teaches just theory; basic science and history and government and stuff like that.”
“But the closest one’s in Metal City,” Clover said, sounding disheartened.
“How far’s that?”
“Well… the distance is not the issue,” Clover said. Lex looked down at his pillow, sort of understanding. “This village is so lame,” Clover complained, “hardly ever see the other kids, and the houses here are so far apart. I’d love to go to Magic School!” she said, grinning at the fantastic thought of it.
“Magic School?! Woah!”
“If only such things existed,” Kyle came in, ruining it for them both, “sword school is much more realistic on the other hand,” he said, a small smirk on his face, imagining what formal training in the craft could do for him.
“Oh please! So boring! Magic School’s the best! I bet there’s a grand school of magic in Magma—”
“Clover!” Kyle blasted, frightening her and Lex. Lex looked over at him, at the furious look on his face.
“Remember what Magma Town does for a living. Their soldiers were the ones who…” He hissed, and drew the covers over him. “My chief objective is not to follow these damn prophecies and look for some dragon to appear from the skies… It’s to destroy those sons of bitches that killed my parents… When the time is right… I will burn that city to the ground…”
Clover sighed, like she was tired of hearing the same old thing, but Lex sympathized with how Kyle felt. He knew if anyone were to take hismother away from him, he certainly wouldn’t take it lightly, certainly not as lightly as Clover seemed to treat the issue at the moment. “So what about you, ever been to a school?” Clover asked.
“Five days a week! It’s a real pain!”
“What?! You must be pretty rich, then!”
“Ha! Nah, it’s a regular thing. I’d sure prefer a magic school, though! Or even an ice making academy! Imagine that!”
“But at least you get to see lots of kids every day, right?” The girl imagined such a life.
“Yeah, well if you put it that way it might not be so bad, but the work sure gets tough sometimes, and it’s all pretty dull – language and science and math and that kinda stuff – no magic or sword or ice. Huh?” Heavy snoring and sighs made Lex flash his head quickly. Lex and Clover laughed at the noisy sleeper.
“Wish there was some way I could convince him he sounds like a bear every night,” his sister said. Lex yawned and lay on his back, then released a long sigh.
“Woah, pretty tired myself,” he admitted.
“Yeah, me too… Today was definitely the best day ever,” Clover said. Lex looked over at the gorgeous girl in the green dress that fell just above her knees, unable to stop his smiling. “Why do you smile so much?” she finally asked, laughing a little. Lex wondered just how to reply. “Well, good night, Lex!” she bade.
“Good night, Clover.”
Even hours later, Lex lay staring up at the ceiling. The room was dim – the candles were out, and only a few rays of moonlight came down through the half-open window. The bed was quite cosy, but he forced his eyes open whenever sleep would try to draw him away. “Can’t… fall asleep,” he told himself, wanting to extend this dream for as long as possible. He dreaded waking to his drab reality. “Is this all really just a dream?” he contemplated over and over again, “Of course… None of this can be real… superpowers… magic… Me, saviour of the world…” he looked to his left and right at his sleeping friends. “Could my mind have created these persons who seem so real?” he wondered.
He sat up, leaning against the wall, fighting off the sleep that just wouldn’t let him be. A smirk of mischief came on his face, and he dismounted the bed quickly and quietly. He walked soundlessly past the snoring Kyle, and grabbed the cold knob. In little time, he was staring up at the blue light the silver moon managed to paint across the whole sky. Lex just noticed the eerie-looking, lifeless trees in the distance now plaguing his sight. The night wind was frigid, but this chill thrilled Lex, and gave him an indescribable sensation. He took the stance Bengushi taught him, creating that vacancy between his palms. He closed his eyes for a second, then opened them abruptly, his heartbeat increasing. He tried to ignore the grim, creepy feelings that tried to overshadow him, and looked down between his palms, regaining focus.
A short while passed, no more than half a minute, before icy mist was trapped in the small space between the boy’s palms. Lex looked down with bright blue eyes at the swiftly spinning mist. It grew denser by the second, and Lex could feel the tension swell. He kept his focus, steadily supplying the orb with more ice energy. “An iceball,” Lex said to himself. He looked up at the moon, frightened at the striking resemblance it had to the iceball. Lex’s eyes widened in panic as he felt vivid streaks of coldness flow from his heart, up through his shoulders and down his arms to his hands. As seconds passed, the energy in the iceball increased steadily, multiplying the density and power of the iceball. What?! He felt the ball begin to violently repel his hands. He grew tenser and strained in an attempt to keep the ball contained in his palms.
“Damn it… I can do this. I need to relax,” Lex told himself. He took a deep sigh, and managed to end his release of energy. He slowly and steadily brought his palms further from one another by tiny distances, calming the tension of the ball. He clenched his teeth as he felt a nasty chill rush up into his wrists and through his palms, and into his chest. He felt his heartbeat slowing, and he felt inside him grow numb. He watched the sphere as its rich blueness faded and it grew transparent and lost its denseness. “So I can absorb the energy I release…but why do I feel like I’m…” he shivered nervously. Just before, the chill of the night felt exhilarating and pleasant, and now his coldness felt dangerous. “…F…Freezing…?” He realized that he had absorbed the energy far too quickly, and his body was now paying the price. “Ben… Old man…” he muttered, shaking like a leaf. His hands were still enveloped by some of the misty ice energy. He hugged himself, grabbing his shoulders tightly. He felt a stinging cold as ice energy manifested into solid ice around his arms. “Oh shit…” Thick ice rapidly spread everywhere, down his hands, up to his chest and neck. The bluish ice crawled and covered him entirely. In seconds, he was frozen altogether.
Long, tense seconds of sharp pains and deadly chill soon led to numbness, then unconsciousness. Bengushi opened his eyes sharply, still sitting in his meditative position. Because of the state his mind was in, he was able to sense Lex’s ice energy. The aged man sprang up quickly, making a loud hiss. He burst through the children’s room door within a second. “Where’s Lex?” Kyle was just rising, rubbing his eyes sleepily, a grumpy mood ready to be expressed.
“He’s asleep, old man,” the annoyed boy said. Bengushi had sensed a chilling danger.
“You two, get up!” the old man finally yelled, a sense of urgency, even panic in his voice. Clover woke, rubbing her eyes hazily, realizing that she was the only one left in the room.
Kyle and Ben had already reached outside to the horrid site. “Damn, he’s frozen solid,” Kyle said. The boy inside the ice was already looking very pale, even dead. His eyes were wide open and creepy-looking. Kyle clenched his teeth and made a heavy gulp, then with all the might he could find, ran up to the ice and struck it with his sword, close to Lex’s neck. Cracks ran through the upper parts of the slab of ice immediately.
“Keep it up!” Ben sounded, then dashed back into the house. Kyle smote the ice again, sending more cracks through it. With a desperate roar of strength, the third strike brought visible success, as a part of the ice broke off, exposing the left side if the boy’s face. Kyle slashed the ice from the other side, shattering more of it. His neck and head were free by now, and Kyle noticed his hardly audible stuttering and wheezing, his struggle to breathe. His head was drenched in water, and chilly white mist escaped his mouth in his spastic attempts to inhale and exhale.
Ben and Clover finally reached the scene, two torches each in their hands, fuelled by dry wood and paper. “Lex!” Clover cried, tears already rushing down her cheeks. As the fire slowly melted the ice, Kyle attacked it fiercely with his blade, chipping the ice and sending massive cracks through it.
“Stand clear!” Kyle commanded, then stepped back and made a profound strike, taking the remaining ice apart completely. Clover dropped her torches and caught the falling Lex, who felt colder than a dead man. His body felt stiff like rubber. He was in a fit – his shaking frightened Clover even more than his chilliness and stiffness. He was panting with wide eyes that stared up at the crying Clover. Ben grabbed the shaking boy from Clover and rushed inside with him, taking him straightway to his own room, and put him on the bed. Then, the old man quickly stripped the boy of his shirt and pants, which were dripping wet, and wrapped him up in the blanket he was lying on. Kyle and Clover looked on from the doorway. Clover was still shaking and crying, but Kyle was certain his grandfather would sort things out.
Lex, now curled up in the blanket, was shivering less robustly, and was breathing much easier. Clover finally entered the room, walking slowly toward Lex. Her crying seized. She gently touched his cold face, and he exhaled deeply, and his shivering calmed almost completely. “Lex,” she whispered, and he became still.
Seems the shivering has subsided, Kyle thought. Clover left the room quickly.
“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” the boy kept muttering.
“What did I tell you, boy?!” Bengushi blasted, rising from beside him. His face was even more wrinkled than usual, and his eyes flared with anger. “You could have bloody hell killed yourself out there! What if we didn’t come to save you from your folly?! Your blood would have been solid in moments, and that would be it!”
“I’m sorry…” he sobbed, closing his eyes. Bengushi uttered a heavy sigh, then all of a sudden, to Lex’s surprise, started laughing. Lex opened his eyes and looked up at the laughing man in confusion. The man rested his wrinkled hand on Lex’s forehead.
“How do you feel?”
“I’m alright… Just a slight headache… Still a little cold on the inside.”
Clover entered the room again, rushing past Kyle with a mug of hot chocolate. Lex sat up and slowly took the mug from the smiling girl. He held on to her hand gently; it took some of the chill from his. With his other hand, he brought the mug to his mouth as he sat up, still wrapped in the blanket, and started to sip. “Thank you,” he uttered in another sigh, one of relief and warmth. “Old man Ben, Clover, Kyle, you saved my life… I’m sorry… for causing so much trouble.” He took another slurp of the delicious chocolate.
“I’m just glad you’re alright,” Clover said softy, sitting on the bed beside Lex.
“What can I say? That’s what I do,” Kyle came in, then blew on the tip of his sword, smirking away.
“You should be thanking Lex! You finally find some good use for that thing!” Bengushi joked. They all took a good laugh. Lex was more interested in gulping down the hot chocolate, though. He was sure it was melting the ice inside him.
“Alright, you two – off to bed now,” Bengushi said, “Lex will soon be in.”
“Good night, grandpa,” Clover bade, rising from the bed, “g’night, Lex.”
“Night Clover, Kyle,” Lex said.
“In the morrow,” Kyle said, his sleepiness returning to him forcefully.
“Straight to bed, now!” Bengushi said. Clover turned and smiled at Lex as she left the room. “So,” Bengushi began, “how’d you quite get around freezing yourself?” the man asked, curious. Lex took another drink of the chocolate.
“It got pretty cold, and I … hugged myself… Ice just started to spread all over me,” the boy recalled.
“Elemental ice is truly powerful,” Bengushi said, imagining the process that took place within Lex and on the surface.
“Thanks for saving my life, old man Ben,” the boy insisted, unable to get over it.
“I am only honoured, Lex. You will be saving the lives of billions! You should understand and accept that your destiny is greater than you can even imagine. You will journey far and wide with Kyle and Clover; they are your family now… She’s a good girl… pretty too!”
“Huh?!” Lex nearly dropped the mug. His face turned pink.
“But let not even her distract you from your ultimate mission… You three will keep each other on the right path, and become strong warriors, who will face the mighty Trium. You, Lex, will have to protect those two. Kyle, he is your big brother from now on. He has a strong will and is bent on taking revenge for what Magma Town did. Make sure you channel his strength in the right direction…” Lex looked at the old man with wide eyes, feeling inadequate and unworthy of these instructions and praises. “Well, that should be all then,” the old man yawned, “go on now.”
“Thanks for everything, Master Ben,” Lex said, and bade him good night, closing the door on his way out. Clover, who was just heading in her room, looked back at Lex as he was leaving Ben’s room.
“Hey, Clover.” The girl’s face grew suddenly pink, and she started giggling. The red faced boy jumped back suddenly, just remembering he had left his clothes in Ben’s room. He forced a laugh, willing to trade even his icemaking ability for some pants.
“I’m really glad you’re okay, Lex,” the girl said, smiling at him.
“Heh.” He smiled back naturally. Again, he was staring at her, looking deep into her green, shiny eyes. Realizing he was staring, he flashed his eyes from her. She laughed, and opened the room door. “God, I really hope I’m not dreaming,” he said to himself under his breath.
***
Warm rays of morning sun hit Lex’s face. He turned and fidgeted in the bed, trying to shoo the light away from him. Finally, he cracked his eyes open, sitting up and shielding his eyes from the approaching light. He gasped, and suddenly flashed his head from left to right. A sudden weakness overtook him and his heart raced. “I’m still here,” he muttered to himself, realizing he had woken between the sleeping siblings. He jumped from his bed quickly and dashed out of the room, more puzzled than before as to what was real and what was not.
“Well, look who’s up early today!” Lex looked over to the dining table and Bengushi. Scrolls and books and charts were scattered all about the table.
“Good… morning… Master Bengushi,” the boy answered, bowing a little, a nervous look on his face.
“You look troubled, young Lex. What might be the matter?” he asked, just looking up from his studies. No answer. Lex just stared on with eyes he wore the first time he saw Bengushi. “Oh, I see,” the man realized, smiling a bit, “You’re still confused as to whether you’re dreaming.”
Lex held his head as he tried to process thoughts sensibly. “Okay…” He breathed deeply, trying to calm his mind “If I’m not dreaming… if I’m not dreaming… how do I get back home? Don’t get me wrong, now, I really like it here, but—”
“I understand, young one,” the man said, and sighed, a look of pity and sympathy on his face that frightened Lex even more. “But I’m afraid I can’t help you with that… I really don’t know if and when you will return to your original world… Maybe after you face Trium…” Lex just stared at Ben with fright. Awful thoughts of never seeing his mother, his friends, his world again, rushed through his mind. He made no attempt to hold back the tears.
Bengushi beckoned to Lex to sit with him. Lex sat there opposite to him, crying and shaking. “For years I sat at this table, in this very chair, at the very hour of morn… and I thought and thought of this very moment I knew would come,” the old man said in a sombre, reflective tone that made Lex inclined to trust him. “I wondered what I would say to the chosen one who sits before me… Even now, I don’t have the answer. You must have faith, though, that in the end everything will be alright. You must make this sacrifice of leaving your world behind, though forced upon you by fate, drive you to finish your mission. I know you won’t let such a sacrifice be for nothing.” Lex sat there staring down at the writings before him. His tears damped some of the millennia old scrolls that not even dust had been allowed by Bengushi to touch.
“My mother… My mother, old man… Can’t I even have her know I’m alright?” Lex asked, an abrasive, bitter tone in his voice, which had never before been present. Bengushi sighed again.
“Heroes are punished by the selfless path they sojourn.”
“I’m no damn hero, alright?!” Lex blasted, rising from the chair, crying, “I’m just a regular kid! Now stop this nonsense and take me home! You hear me, old man?!” Bengushi saw in Lex’s eyes a look of terror and fear, that he knew would accompany understanding and acceptance of a new reality. Lex grabbed Bengushi’s collar, breathing heavily in his crying, a fierce but pitiful look in his shiny eyes. “Please, old man…” he begged in a whisper, the begging, pleading tenor in the boy’s voice and the sorrowful look on his face making Bengushi’s heart heavier, and his eyes damp. Clover looked at the two at the table from the room doorway, tears flooding her face even more than Lex’s.
“If you wish to see your mother again, become strong, and defeat Trium when the time comes,” Kyle’s voice entered as he walked past Clover, startling her. Lex unhanded Bengushi and looked over at Kyle and Clover.
***
Days packed with play and training, studying and house chores, games and storytelling, laughter and crying, fusses and scolding went by quickly, and Lex had become a full-fledged part of the Bengushi. As he grew to know Kyle and Clover better than he knew any of his friends in his previous life, his earlier reality grew more and more distant from his mind, and he sat and cried less and less often about not being able to go home to his mother. Every now and again, he would feel a strong guilt for how happy he had become, and would tell himself sternly that he might as well accept what was. Sweat and laughter had a way of making the dim feelings that tried to bother him subside quickly. He was now making iceballs at an impressive rate, his top score being a dozen for one day, and each one he produced was at least a little denser and more powerful than the last. His aptitude for compressing high levels of ice energy was rapidly increasing, and the spheres he made were bluer and heavier and more energetic, pressuring the muscles in his arms, building them. Clover, though, was making far less visible improvements with her magic; she knew only one command, and each time she used it, she grew weary and lightheaded, unable to generate mana on her hands again for even an entire day. Kyle wasn’t wasting time either. He pushed himself even harder than Lex and Clover, becoming a little stronger and a little faster and a little more enduring each day, and making slightly more accurate strikes with his sword, and seeing the colour of small sticks clearly.
Another sunset had ended another rigorous day. Dinner was done, and sweat was washed away. Being so tired from pushing himself even harder than usual, Lex found himself dozing off even before Clover. Peaceful, quiet hours passed, and the household slept soundly, especially Kyle (with all his snoring).
“Lex… Lex… Lex.” Sharp whispers of his name and robust shaking of his body woke him, making him forget his dream instantly.
“Old man?”
“Come with me,” Bengushi told him, a sound of urgency in his voice, still shaking him forcefully. The boy jumped down from his bed, holding his forehead, dizzy and sleepy. Bengushi grabbed his hand and dragged him along, like he was leading a little child across a busy street.
“What’s going on?” the boy asked, becoming nervous, looking back to ensure that Kyle and Clover were still in the room. “Hey, it wasn’t me, Master Ben! Kyle was the one who switched the apple with the huge pepper when you turned around,” the boy ratted out.
“You’re paying for it anyway!” the man answered, dragging Lex into his room and bolting the door behind them.
“Please, Master—”
“Oh, so I’m Master now, eh?” the old man asked in a trivial tone, “Now relax, you’re not in trouble. Stay here.” Lex stood nervously at the door of the dimly lit room. He watched as Ben searched through one of his bottom drawers for something hastily. “Now where’s that iron whip?” Lex heard the man mumble to himself. Bengushi could feel Lex’s eyes widen and his heart pound. “Ha! I’m joking!” he told Lex, “Found it!” Lex watched curiously as the man brandished a rusty brown key.
This had Lex in even more wonder than before. He watched Bengushi carefully remove a vertical portrait from a nail in the wall, some abstract painting that the old man never made any sense of. He tossed it on the bed and blew the dust that gathered behind it off the wall. The young Icemaker noticed a small hole in the wall, and moved closer, wondering if his deduction might be right. His eyes widened as the old man forced the brown key into the keyhole and turned it sharply. Lex moved closer inquisitively as he noticed a small rectangle jut out from the wall. The old man pulled what seemed to be a small drawer out from the wall. “Cool!” Lex peered down inside it.
“Go on,
pick it up,” Ben told him, and without hesitation, Lex grabbed up the little
black key from the drawer. The man threw the brown key down on the bed and bent
and grabbed two of its perfectly carved legs. “Gimmie a hand here,” Ben told
Lex, and together, they moved the bed away. Lex looked down at a
suspicious-looking section of the floor which was hidden under the bed. “Of the
many treasures and secrets in this room, what you are about to see is the most
precious,” the man said, sounding like he was warning the boy. He reached on
the bed and took up the rusty brown key. Lex looked down at the strange square
foot of flooring. There were twenty-five keyholes in a grid on the floor. The
setup looked like a strange puzzle. “Let’s hope I remember the order now,” the
old man said, laughing a little, “one wrong move and we’re up in flames.”
This old man must be joking! Lex
thought, wondering how else he could say such a thing so trivially, and
wondering about his ability of setting up such complicated systems.
With the small key in the firm grip of his right hand, Ben closed his eyes for a second in concentration and recollection, his left index finger in the air, telling Lex he shouldn’t distract him. Then, he jammed the key in one of the holes, and in rapid succession, jammed and turned in all the holes in a seemingly random order, turning the key each time to a specific number of degrees in a specific direction. Ben stood, holding his back with a low groan. “What now?” Lex asked. The boy nearly jumped as a square foot of floor suddenly jumped up an inch right before Lex. He looked down at it. Ben moved over to this raised section and jammed the key into another keyhole on top of it.
“You’re kiddin’,” Lex muttered, wondering what all this contraption could be about. As Bengushi turned the key in the hole slightly, the square slowly moved up out of the ground, until it showed itself to be a cube, a little box. Ben pushed his finger down at the centre of the top surface of the cube through a small hole it appeared his finger had just made. Curling his finger up to grip, Ben removed the top of the box, a heavy lid of thick wood.
The boy’s eyes glistened as he peered down at what looked like a black chest in the wooden box. “Get it out,” Ben instructed. Lex quickly put his hands down into the box, pulling at the unmoving chest with both hands. “Even Clover should be able to pull this up, come on!” Ben jeered him, keeping his voice down. Lex pulled up at the chest with all his might; veins bulged in his arms and his teeth clenched in strain. Finally, he let go, stepping back from it, panting. Bengushi made a little snicker, then put one hand down into the box and effortlessly pulled out the metal chest, resting it on the ground gently. Lex’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Heh. Don’t feel bad, young one. Just know never to underestimate a frail-looking old man. Heheheh. Go on, open it.” Without further ado, Lex stooped and jammed the black key into the similarly coloured chest, turning it forcefully. He heard a click, and the top of the chest eased up a bit. The eager boy quickly flung the chest open, then jumped back in fright and silence.
Bengushi grabbed the vessel and slowly raised it from the chest. Lex stared at the thing in deep thought, his heart racing. “I know you know what this vessel contains,” the old man said. “Stand at the door.” Lex dressed back until his back was against the locked door. “Through the ancient writings passed down from the time of Kizer and Oga, I learnt of where this was buried. Only one of the vials were written of in the literature I got my hands on, and long before my grandchildren were born, I journeyed across continents and retrieved this ancient treasure, and kept it here for you, who I was sure would come. For some reason, my spirit is warning me not to put this off any longer. Tonight… this great power of old will be yours!” Lex’s heart raced even faster. He shook nervously.
“Keep your eyes open,” Bengushi instructed. “Make way for the dark spirit and allow its great power to become yours… You will bend this power of darkness to your own will, and be its master, and the light of hope to this world.” Bengushi stood before Lex, his eyes closed. He turned the top half of the vial. “Get ready,” he told the shaking boy. Then, he opened the vial, and in a dark flash, a shadowy demon that was darker than black rushed out of the vial toward Lex. The boy’s body took on a sudden black glow as the shadowy spirit lunged through his eyes. His head was raised up nearly the point of breaking his neck, and his body floated up inches above the ground. As the mighty power rushed into him, Ben clenched his teeth and struggled to stand his ground. The tension this power created in the room was like the winds of a hurricane. As about two hundred pounds were relieved from the vessel, Ben’s muscles relaxed a bit, and the wind calmed, and the boy fell to his feet, the glow disappearing from around him. Lex’s eyes were closed, and he stood there, not breathing.
Then, they opened abruptly. Ben shivered at the sight before him. Lex’s eyes were completely black. As his eyes were opened, the tense wind was resurrected. Bengushi grabbed on to the sturdy bed. The ground beneath Lex’s feet cracked under pressure, and the walls began to tear apart. “The black eyed state,” Bengushi told himself. A rough, masculine voice spoke out from Lex’s lips, certainly not the voice of an eleven year old boy.
“Finally… I am awaken from my slumber!” Then, the darkness faded from Lex’s eyes, and Ben ran up him and caught him as he fell, faint and weak.
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Oh my gosh, amazing ending you got there! Again, you have an amazing chapter. I love how realistically you made this chapter, with Lex almost killing himself and missing his home. You did and excellent job describing the events in the story and of I just can't get over the ending! The black eyes are way too interesting XD. I found little errors which were just simple spelling mistakes. Those can be easily fixed. Well, great story you got there! I hope to read more of it.
Keep writing.
Hi there Adji. So, i read chapter one, to some extent and finally tho whole of Chapter 2 Let me say, I have been impressed greatly. Your creativity and imagination is just commendable and your expression is great too. i always say that writing involves being a scribe to your own mind's imagination. That two things define the writer, imagination and expression. That is, the story you mind creates and your intellect's ability to translate that story to words, how you express yourself precisely. Your imagination is spectacular. I can tell that you see the events unfold in your mind as you are writing. You've created new concepts to fantasy and imagined new possibilities. That is your strength, imagination and creativity.
When it comes to expressing yourself, I think you are quite accomplished there too. The only problem is that your novel is really long, 4o chapters if im not wrong. There are huge problems that arise in such a long piece. Redundancy, Monotony of literal styles and vocabulary, Grammatical errors, these are just a part of the chaos that chips up to soil your beautiful work. A long novel has to be fluent, it must flow fluidly and be a little less than perfect to encourage the reader to continue one with the reading.
Great length-ed narrations are also susceptible to plot inadequacies. I felt as if you were rushing the information, giving a little more than you should have a little too early. I guess it's too early to say into the second chapter. Also, Old Man Bengushi, i think he is leaking too much information. He keeps on saying how the three are to travel the world together it sort of coerces the plot into a certain direction instead of just letting the story flow. Do you follow? I think its enough that he told him Lex that he was destined to save the world but when he adds that the three will go together, i don't know, it kind of forces Avatar's plot your story.
I used to read a lot of fantasy and this story give me the sort if a sword of truth feeling, all about the quest and stuff. It's a lovely story, one if painstakingly executed could be a great renowned fantasy someday. Just, make it stand out by being original, by being true to the exceptional imagination that you have.
About the mistakes, i suggest that you proofread your whole novel again. I know it's not fun, I'm proofreading mine as we speak for the fourth time and i'm still getting errors in it. Proofread your work in word and when you see that you've repeated a vocabulary just find its equivalent in thesaurus and synonyms. Read another fantasy book, id suggest the sword of truth series and get from it new phrases to avoid cliches.
Here's some of the nitpicks i found.
The man threw the brown key down on the bed and bent and grabbed two of its perfectly carved legs.
the word down was not necessary here and neither was the other 'and'.
The man threw the brown key on the bed, bent and grabbed two of its perfectly carved legs.
and wondering about his ability of setting up such complicated booby-traps.
should have been, about his ability to set up such complicated...
Then, (comma not necessary) he jammed the key in ('in' should be into) one of the holes, (comma is not necessary) and in rapid succession, jammed and turned in all the holes in a seemingly random order, turning the key each time to a specific number of degrees in a specific...
The boy nearly jumped as a square foot of floor suddenly jumped up an inch right before Lex.
try to replace the word jumped with something else, like leapt.
until it showed itself to be a cube, a little box
should have been '...showed itself to be a little cubed shaped box.
without further ado
avoid using cliches and come up with your own phrases. (i believe in your creativity, you know.)
Only one of the vials were written of in the literature I got my hands on, and long before my grandchildren were born, I journeyed across continents and retrieved this ancient treasure, and kept it here for you, who I was sure would come.
Gigantic sentences are not pretty and they often welcome mistakes. Use them only if it's super necessary, like in emphasis.
Only one of the vials were written of in the literature I got my hands on. Long before my grandchildren were born, I journeyed across continents and retrieved this ancient treasure. I've kept it here for you, the one I was sure would come.
The story is really great Adji. It's really commendable that you've created all this. That to me is true genius.
Thanks a million and ten for your splendid review! I'm glad you read through the chapters- I know the chapters (and by extension, the novel) aren't very short and might appear discouraging to many. I've proofread the entire thing tens of times, but as you say, with each coat of proofreading, at least a few errors seem to appear. Thank again! I do hope you review the chapters to come!