16+ Violence Mature Content

Black Eyes Book 1: The Seventh Spirit: Chapter 1: Odd Dream

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

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Black Eyes
Book 1: The Seventh Spirit

Prologue


He saw twelve men, dressed and looking like men of war, men of strength. One of the men carried a long sword in an elegant silvery scabbard. They appeared quite noble, and most of them seemed to be in their prime. An air of might emanated from them. Lex observed as the twelve men, with no word or even emotion moved grimly. They walked for several minutes until they reached upon and entered a beautiful shrine. The shrine was made of fine granite, and stood boldly on a graceful hill of green. It looked even more giant from the inside. There were many gold ornaments and carvings made of precious metals. Standing mightily were two massive metal statues depicting mighty-looking men with grim countenances. They had practically equally long hair – one flowed elegantly and smoothly, while the other seemed rough and jagged. The men lined up before the statues, and bowed in recognition and honour, then after a moment, rose and walked past them, moving through narrow passages. They proceeded in single file through a small door, the last man closing it behind him.

None of the men seemed at all frightened or surprised at the amazing creature sitting before them. It was black, and sported thin streaks of red and silver on its back – a magnificent sight. It lay asleep, its spike-infested tail wrapped around it. It was silent. The thing was massive, and any normal person would think that disturbing it would be a really bad idea. Eleven of the men remained at the back of the room, close to the door. They lay their swords on the floor before them, standing in a line that stretched from one end of the room to the other. Then, they bowed their heads and close their eyes. Meanwhile, the apparent leader of the group stepped forward, retrieved something that resembled a sponge ball from inside his cloak, and squeezed it. The dragon’s terrible screech filled the room as it arose abruptly, fierce-eyed. It bellowed another frightening roar, flinging massive orange flames into the air from its widened mouth, guarded by what looked like sharp iron teeth. Despite the scorching heat hitting his face, the forwarded man remained emotionless and took two paces back, lining up with the others. The men at the ends of the line took two paces forward, not seeming to fear the mighty dragon.

The angered beast, for a short moment, closed its eyes. Then, it flung them open abruptly with a hellish roar that shook the place. The eyes of the furious beast were now beyond ghastly- they were completely black, a pure darkness that was so deep, it seemed to glow out of the beast’s eyes. The two end men had in their hands identical egg-shaped vessels. They were round and golden, and had complex designs and tiny inscriptions all about them. Together, they turned the upper halves of the spheres. They split open simultaneously, and both men bowed their heads and closed their eyes. In unison, they repeated a chant of an ancient and indecipherable tongue. What seemed like a black mist, maybe a spirit, or some power so great that it had a physical manifestation, came out from the dragon’s eyes. Becoming one entity after leaving the beast’s eyes, it split apart again into what seemed to be halves- each rushing into one of the small hand-held vessels. The place shook violently, and there was a great wind as this awesome entity was pulled from the dragon and forced into the vials. Militantly, the men slammed the vessels shut. The dragon’s eyes grew quickly pale, until it was white entirely. Then it fell, dead in the cage. The men with the vials sighed with relief and some even smirked proudly although they had shown no sign of fear or stress before. The mission was accomplished.

Chapter 1: Odd Dream




Lex found himself knitting his brows, staring up at an unfamiliar ceiling. He hazily rose to his bottom, noticing almost immediately that he was not in the room he remembered falling asleep in. He jumped up quickly, looking back at the strange bed. Timidly, the boy walked toward the closed door. He grabbed the cool knob and turned it slowly. Confusion and fright swallowed him up. “Finally!” cried out an old, wild-looking man running toward him. Lex couldn’t move; he couldn’t even think. The eccentric-looking man, who seemed to be nothing short of crazy, embraced Lex in a hurry, like the boy was his long-lost son. Lex struggled to push him off.

“Who-- Who the hell are you?!” the frightened lad stuttered to ask, “And where am I?! Where is this place?!”

“I, my dear boy, am an oracle, a very wise man who studies the history and the prophecies of this world! I knew you’d be transported to this world this very minute, and I channelled all my energy to bring you here!” The old man, still crazy-looking, now certainly sounding insane, used fierce, frightening gesticulations as he spoke. “It is necessary that I train you!”

Train me?!” An even more confused, more excited Lex asked.

“That is right! And it is your fortune and the fortune of the world that I summoned you here, as you could have landed in an unending sea or in the midst of hungry lions! Or in the clutches of evil sorcerers!” Lex’s eyes were almost as wide as the old man’s, who seemed to be trying to frighten the life out of him with these frightening ideas. “You will remain here for a season, and grow with my grandchildren, Kyle and Clover, who will also begin to learn the basics of the art I discovered, the art of Xashi! They are still young, but time is of the essence… Sit here!” The crazy old man pulled Lex by the arm harshly, forcing him down on a wooden chair around a small table. “By the way, my name is Ben!” he finally introduced. That was about the first thing he said that Lex actually understood.

Before Lex could make anything of a response, the old man darted to a nearby window. He opened it and stuck his head through like it was his only way to a breath of air after being swimming through the flooding waters of a sinking ship. “Kyle! Clover!” At the sound of the loud calls, a handsome chap and a pretty girl rushed through the front door, panting and sweating and laughing, obviously coming in from a session of play. The laughter seized as the kids finally noticed the now standing stranger. A smirk appeared on the boy’s face.

“Hey,” he greeted, walking toward Lex, “so you’re that hero, eh? Didn’t imagine you’d be such a kid! Name’s Kyle, by the way.”

“Hero?” Lex thought aloud, too frightened to grab Kyle’s outstretched hand. Lex’s attention, for a moment, shifted to the pretty girl that was still at the door. He took a bit of consolation in the fact that she looked even more nervous than he felt. A look of annoyance appeared on Kyle’s face. “Right!” Lex snapped, noticing it quickly, and grabbed the boy’s hand, shaking. “Lex… Leo…” the boy introduced, stuttering a bit, like he wasn’t very sure of his own name.

“Huh? Well which is it?!” Kyle asked jokingly.

“Ha! Lex Leo,” the slightly less nervous boy clarified. Kyle offered up a friendly smile.

“Girl!” the old man called abruptly, giving her a hardly discreet look. The slightly trembling girl walked up to Lex with small, quick steps, standing close to her brother, still not saying anything. Suddenly, Lex’s heart raced even faster than it did before. Kyle nudged her in embarrassment, keeping his cool with much effort, but the fair girl only smiled at Lex, her cheeks reddening, a slight giggle escaping her lips. Kyle sighed, an expression of hopelessness on his face.

“This here’s my little sis, Clover,” the boy said. “She’s not as shy as she’s actin’—she’ll come around,” Kyle assured. Lex, smiling back at the pretty girl, gave his hand to her. She grabbed it feebly. A warm shiver instantly flowed through Lex’s body. Clover’s hand was so soft and smooth and delicate.

“Alright, you can sit down now!” Ben came in, breaking the sudden tension. Kyle grabbed his seat quickly. Clover sat beside him, as she wouldn’t usually do, but he understood and didn’t make a fuss of it. Lex sat opposite the girl, and Ben sat beside him.

He couldn’t help staring into Clover’s eyes every now and again. She had green irises that were, to Lex, completely unique. Lex was pretty sure that she was unquestionably the prettiest thing he’d ever seen. Also, her hair had an impossible green colour, and rested on her shoulders, seeming too smooth and fluid to be solid at all. The thought even flashed through his mind that she might be an angel, or a fairy, or some magical creature. Finally, the boy had it all figured out. He sighed, a bit relieved, wondering how it took so long to come to the conclusion that he was having a strange and pleasant dream. He remembered the twelve men and the dragon, and for some reason, particularly recalled vividly the statues of the two men. He figured he simply hadn’t seen reality since then.

“No one man can save the world,” Ben continued, rescuing Lex from his hazy stare, almost startling him, “you and my grandchildren will train together for a short while, then you will be on your way.”

“What is this training you keep talking about?” Lex asked. “Ha! Y’all know you’re in my dream, right?” he asked like he was declaring instead. Ben and Kyle laughed. Clover giggled quietly, struggling to break her stare on Lex.

“At least with this thought of yours, you won’t be so nervous anymore,” Ben said optimistically. “Now listen for a moment so you might understand.”

“I wonder if I can fly then,” Lex wondered aloud, “I’ve never been aware that I was dreaming before; I better make the most of this!” The boy sprang up from the table, making Kyle laugh even harder. Ben looked more concerned than entertained, though. Lex’s eyes flashed back at Clover. “Better yet!” he exclaimed, “I’ve never gotten to kiss a girl this pretty before, not even in my dreams!” he said, staring at Clover, whose eyes doubled in size instantly. Her cheeks turned red. Kyle stood from his chair suddenly, a now fierce, very annoyed look on his face. He grabbed Lex by his collar.

“Hey, kid, stop being so stupid, alright?! You’re wasting grandfather’s time!”

“That’s more than enough, Kyle!” Ben blasted, standing. The hot-tempered boy pushed Lex off. Clover just sat there staring up at them.

“I was… just joking around,” Lex said softly, slowly taking his seat, staring down at the table, unable to look up at any of them. Clover glared at Kyle, stepping on his foot with unfriendly force. The boy clenched his teeth and avoided making an outburst. He hissed instead, knowing he was a bit hard on the stranger.

“You’ll play no part in saving the world with a temper like that now, will you?” Ben scolded.

“Saving the world?” Lex asked, sounding as excited as he was confused.

“Listen, Lex Leo… A long time ago, before the beginning of earth’s time, there were seven spirits. They were supreme, and were like gods, with the power to travel amongst worlds, the power to journey through the universe. Their power was incredible. These beings did not create earth, but they found it in its early stage. They saw the weakness, the inferiority of humanity, and decided to exploit it. These things, though, were spirit beings, and had existed in a spiritual realm. On entering this realm, they had to capture bodies to maintain their existence. Bodies of weak races, like mankind, could not contain their power for long, so naturally, they must have roamed the realms for potent hosts. At this early period of earth’s existence, the most powerful, most magnificent creatures that existed were dragons. These creatures were even given the title ‘gods’, and were worshipped as the creators and supreme beings of the world. The seven spirits visited earth, and each captured the body of the dragon they were most fond of. They would now use these powerful, already feared creatures to rule over the human race. These seven dragons, the ‘black gods’, as the dragons the spirits possessed had a mysterious black glow in their eyes, commenced earth’s first ‘Dark Age’.

“To lessen confusion and eliminate competition, these gods wiped out the other dragons from the face of the earth. The destruction of the dragon race by the ‘black gods’ would also prove to the humans that these beings were clearly the most powerful things they’d ever seen, and were the supreme beings of the world. These black-eyed dragons had the power to breathe black fire, which is said to have been seven times hotter than earthly flames, and could only be put out by these gods – water would turn to vapour if it came too close. These dragons, which had the ability to speak, as they were possessed by intelligent beings, had a constant shadowy aura around them, as not even the dragons could fully contain the dark spirits. These godlike beings have been called a lot of names throughout history, ‘soul eaters’ just one of them. They could turn ‘life energy’ into ‘dark energy’, into raw destructive power. In short, the more they killed, the stronger they became. So, their plan, probably, was to eventually destroy the human race and move on to whatever else, being even stronger beings.

“Now, out of the seven spirits that ruled over the earth, six were said to be of roughly equal strength, and one slightly inferior to the rest. Since the beginning of the Dark Age, men had secretly been devising plans to destroy these dragons, though no one dared stand up to them. What good could swords do against such beasts? A few centuries into this first Dark Age, two geniuses collaborated, and together, in their efforts to devise a way to destroy the dragons, they discovered the two greatest sciences of all time, elementalism and magic. Some versions of history tell that Mother Nature appeared to one of the men, Kizer, and gave him the power to manipulate the elements around him, fire, earth, water, air, ice, metal. Similarly, such literature tells that Father Time appeared to the other scientist, a man named Oga, and gave him the power of magic, the ability to do illogical things, and to break the known laws of science and nature. Also, Nature and Time gave these men great knowledge, that they might have had a chance of destroying the dragons. Together, in secret, both men developed their newfound abilities for years. On various nights, Oga would see Father Time in his dreams, who would teach him a foreign language, the language of sorcery. He taught Oga that there were great amounts of invisible energy in the air, which magic relied on. Mana, a special kind of energy, was given to Oga and his seed, and this could react with this invisible, omnipresent energy. Sorcerers would be able to command this energy to do countless things using this strange language.

“With decades more of studies and training, they discovered that a particular type of a material, the rarest metal in the world, had special magical properties, and had the capability of restraining and containing dark energy. This metal was known as zarium, and was often confused with gold, due to their similar appearance.

“By this, both men had families, and children of their own, who shared, to an extent, their strange and transcendent powers. Oga’s first born was a girl named Witch, and his second was a boy named Wizard – his nickname was Warlock. They each had quite a few children. Oga’s children were all magicians, but none had achieved the level of sorcery he wielded. Kizer had only sons – each of them had the power to control one element of nature. After decades of searching, of experimentation, of trial and error, the creation was successful. The magicians and elementalists created, with all zarium they had found, two identical vessels which they predicted could capture and seal away dark energy, which was the very essence of the beings that oppressed them.

“Decades passed, and the sorcerers and elementalists continued to train diligently in secret, until they were confident that their abilities would be enough to make their plan a reality. They sought out men who they trusted, men who used to be dragon hunters, and they soon had a small army on their side. Somehow, these super-humans found a way to isolate the weakest of the dragons from the rest, and with high level magical energy, known today as sixth, seventh and eighth grade mana, skilled elementalism, and experienced and well-equipped dragon hunters, they battled it fiercely. The dragon killed many with its famed black fire, but the sorcerers and elementalists had overwhelmed it. The dark spirit came out of the weakened dragon through its eyes. The shadowy spirit tried to reach the others for help, but Oga and Kizer had planned for this! The zarium eggs were brandished and activated. The ones fighting the dragon closed their eyes, so the spirit could not escape the vessels by possessing one of them. There was a loud, earth-quaking roar as the spirit was ripped apart and the two halves pulled into the two vessels. Other versions of the event tell that the dragon was first captured and caged in a prison of steel, with bars coated with zarium, then the spirit was extracted and trapped into the vessels.”

Lex’s mind vividly flashed back to the dream he had just before. He pondered of the strangeness of dreaming in his dream, and he became even more uncertain of where the line between dream and reality was.

“The differences of the versions of this story are irrelevant, as the critical points remain constant. The other six spirits, frightened at the defeat of their brother, became suddenly wary of the humans, and wondered what new power they had found. Not wanting to risk being destroyed as well, the six fled the earth.”

Lex hardly winked, sitting in complete absorption and captivation into Ben’s story. He was still staring into the depths of his mind, imagining everything plainly. “Unfortunately, the story doesn’t quite end there,” the old man proceeded, “it is written that these spirits of darkness had the power to fuse and separate amongst themselves at will. The remainder of the tale was revealed by unseen forces to oracles of that time, including the legendary heroes, Oga and Kizer, later known as the true gods. A conflict came about amongst these six beings. Three of the six decided to change the course of their existence because of what happened on earth, and return to their world, where they could live eternally in peace. The other three thought of this idea as nonsensical; they preferred power to a boring, peaceful existence. After great deliberation, it became evident that there would be no agreement between the two groups. The three spirits, which were hell-bent on destroying life forces to gain more power, fused themselves in an effort to destroy the other three, who would no longer be their companions. These three spirits are known as Trium. The three ‘good’ spirits, in order to defend against their attackers, combined and formed Trinity.

“After centuries of constant battle, which was little time for these spirits, Trinity finally lost. It is a mystery as to how Trinity was defeated, as these beings were exact equals, as measured by Oga while they ruled the earth. It is said that the cosmic explosion released so much dark energy, that though the battle took place far beyond our skies, its effect can be seen from earth. The dark matter cooled in outer space, and formed a massive rock, now known to be our moon. It has been long prophesied that in this present age, Trium will return to earth on a mission led by hatred and vengeance. Trium wills to punish the earth for capturing their brother, and for corrupting the minds of the other three spirits, which led to the battle, and to their destruction. Also, it is prophesied that the seventh spirit, the one that the great elementalists and sorcerers captured and sealed away in their day, will finally be released unto a man, who will battle Trium when he returns. He is the only hope of this world. But the prophesies fail to say which force will prevail in the end…”

There was a lengthy moment of silence and contemplation. Even Kyle and Clover, who were told this old story so many times were captivated by it. “So…” Lex finally broke the silence nervously, “What does all this have to do with me, really?”

“My perfectly accurate prophetic studies, and my never failing intuition deems you that hero, who will use the seventh spirit to battle Trium… The child of destiny is prophesied to appear in this world on this very day from another dimension of this world…”

“Child of destiny?Another dimension?” Just remembering his logical reasoning that he was still in a strange dream, Lex suddenly began laughing at himself for pondering such foolishness. Clover and Kyle eyed each other, then their grandfather.

“I do not expect you to accept all of this right away,” Ben told Lex, settling his laugher, “but you will come to grips with your new reality in time.”

“How’d I even end up here?! Look, you’ve got the wrong guy, old man!” Lex blasted, suddenly sounding annoyed and nervous.

“I don’t know why you were the one destiny chose to fulfil this mission, but--”

“Why can’t you understand that I’m drea--” Lex’s belly made a loud, horrible noise, making Clover giggle. Old man Ben laughed wildly, restoring his look of craziness.

“Stay here, Lex, I’ll handle that!” the old man asserted, rising from the table quickly.

The three children sat at the table in an awkward silence, exchanging quick, barely visible glances at one another.

“Kid,” Kyle finally said, looking at Lex.

“It’s Lex,” he replied in a touchy tone

“Whatev’—how old are you?”

Lex wondered for a moment if he should lie. “Eleven… You?”

“Thirteen,” Kyle answered proudly, “and my sis here’s--”

“Almost eleven! The girl intervened quickly.

“Ten! Don’t rush your age, little girl – you’ll get there!” Lex and Kyle began laughing. Clover’s face reddened in embarrassment. She folded her arms and pouted.

“Really hope I don’t wake up too soon – got a science test tomorrow and I hardly studied!”

“Huh? Hey, don’t be so brash, kid! You might be some boy in some old prophesy, but don’t go thinking that a man like me could be some random figment of your boyish imagination!” Kyle raved, then hissed at the whole idea of it, loosening his fists a bit, easing back down on the chair. Clover sighed.

“Please, don’t mind him,” she said, her soft, calming voice striking Lex and making him relax almost magically.

“So… Y’all have superpowers?!” Lex asked, a sudden excitement glowing on his face.

“Well,” Kyle said, not sounding like it was a ridiculous question, “I don’t see where this whole ‘Xashi’ thing is going. We’ve been on this stupid training for like… YEARS! And nothing! No power! No magic or fire or anything!” the boy fussed, sounding more annoyed than disappointed. The look on his face changed in an instant. “I’ve been trying my hand at the sword, though,” he made a proud smirk, like he was secretly some kind of swordmaster.Lex’s eyes lit up instantly.

“You have a sword?! You mean a real sword?! You a samurai?! A ninja?!” Lex interrogated with shiny eyes, standing from his seat.

“Grandpa says I’m gonna be a witch!” Clover pouted.

“Yeah right! You’ve been trying for what… two and a half years now? No magic up to now!” Clover’s eyes moistened instantly. She looked down to her lap, trying to hide her tears.

“Come on, Clover, I’m sure you’ll be an awesome witch!” Lex assured, knowing nothing about what he was saying. “Give it some time, you’re only ten!”

“That’s perfectly right!” Ben said, agreed, entering the room with a massive bowl in his hands and a wooden spoon sticking out of it.

“You better leave your sister alone, boy,” Ben said with a slight tone of warning, taking his seat at the table. “Clover, soon you’ll be able to turn your brother into a frog!” Clover laughed, forcing a wide smile on Lex’s face. Lex peered over into the bowl. There were four spoons in it – three small, iron spoons, and the large one made of wood that jutted out. Kyle and Clover grabbed two of the spoons. Lex, with only slight hesitation, followed suit. Ben had already drawn the wooden spoon, fearing Lex might have taken it.

Hmmm… Looks edible.

“Siltoon and Cabbage,” Ben introduced, seeing that Lex was a bit curious. “Siltoon is a pretty rare fish that is said to move through the water close to the speed of sound, and cabbage, a--”

“What?! Ha! Please, there’s no way a fish can move that fast. It’d be impossible to catch anyway,” Lex said.

“Ha! Thought you’d fall for the same rubbish like Clover did,” Kyle came in, smiling a little, already digging in. “In time you’ll get to hear all the silly stories grandpa has to tell – even this whole prophecy thing is a bit too kiddish for me to just dive into – dragons and spirits and magic and all this stuff.”

“You still being so thick-headed, boy?!” the old man argued, “You sit here looking at a boy who appeared from another world and you still doubt the prophecy?!”

“Hey, I’m just saying…”

Clover giggled, making Lex realise how fiercely he was attacking the food, which he realized was quite tasty, or maybe so his hunger had tricked him into believing. The three onlookers laughed. Soon Lex joined in the laughter, his spoon still frozen at his mouth.

***

A noble prince sat around the old table in his secret room, flipping eagerly, yet carefully, through the pages of an ancient book with his left hand. A bright red light shone from his right hand, which he held above the book. There was no torch, no fire, just a glow about his hand. Scrolls and maps and extremely rare books were scattered about the table – even many more were shelved all around him. He grabbed a nearby map, making quick glances between the book and the old drawing. A smirk of certainty came upon his face. “To think this treasure is here on this very continent. So close, all these years,” he said to himself.

***

The listeners sat at the edge of their seats as Lex told them of the simple everyday things of his realm. A wide-eyed Ben, feather tightly in his grip, scribbled excitedly about these wondrous things he’d never before heard or thought about, machines on wheels that moved at a hundred miles per hour with no help from horses, small devices that enabled people to communicate over thousands of miles with instantaneity, and small sticks that could write thousands of words without ever being dipped in a jar of ink. To Kyle and Clover, their world was boring compared to Lex’s, but to Lex, this new world he found himself in already seemed like a fairy-tale dreamland, though he didn’t yet know much about it. He was sure that magic was an element of this strange realm, and according to the legends Ben had told him, things he had only seen in cartoons and anime seemed to be possible in this world.

“By the way, I think swords and magic are way cooler than guns and laptops!” Lex said.

“Well, certainly swords are cool, and magic is probably made up to fill gaps of scientific understanding, but imagine moving at a hundred miles an hour!” Kyle ranted excitedly.

“Well, cars really aren’t a bad idea,” Lex conceded, “so old man Ben, tell me more about this Xashi thingy you were—”

“Right!” Ben began, “It was when I was a young man that I developed the art of Xashi.” Kyle rolled his eyes and sighed, a look of boredom appearing on his face instantly.

“Sounds like a while back,” Lex joked. Kyle and Clover began laughing again.

“Ha! Old age is a glorious thing you know. You youngsters tend to make the mistake of thinking that intelligence can substitute for experience.”

“And you old folk are even better in erring to think that experience can replace intelligence,” Kyle countered.

“Ha! Good comeback, Kyle!” Lex commended. Clover sighed heavily.

“Hope you’ll become just as crafty with that sword of yours,” Ben said.

“Ha! If only you knew more than breathing techniques and stances, I’d challenge you to a duel!” Kyle boasted proudly.

Ben laughed loudly, holding his belly. “Like I’d need a blade to take you down, little boy.”

“Please, you two!” Clover intervened, “We might have gone way off track here.”

“Right!” Ben remembered, “For many years, Xashi has been laughed at by my companions as a radical theory that could never have real-life implications. According to my hypothesis, a small percentage of the world’s population has supernatural abilities dormant within it, and with the right mental, spiritual and physical techniques, with the Xashi training, anyone with this incredible potential could unlock their power. These powers stemmed down through generations and millennia from the gods of history, Kizer and Oga. Many have acknowledged the existence of sorcery, but only a few accept that other supernatural powers do exist in the world. Imagine just how many persons from Kizer’s bloodline must be even in our little continent! Certainly the bloodlines of these men have thinned out immensely over time, but traces of their powers, I believe, can be found in many individuals even today. Over time, Kizer’s and Oga’s bloodlines must have mixed somewhere along the line, creating diverse potentials. Between magic and elementalism, the possibilities are endless! Telekinesis, super speed and strength, who knows?! Maybe there are villages and clans out there who can use direct elementalism and control the elements, as there are sorcerers around even today. The thing is, though these powers can be passed down from parents to children, usually from mother to daughter or father to son, one, two, even three or four consecutive generations might be skipped entirely.”

“I see… So… is Clover’s mother a witch?” Lex asked.

“No, she wasn’t,” Ben replied. He noticed the sudden look of gloom on Clover’s face as he mentioned her mother. Even Kyle’s expression changed for the worse. He looked over at his sister, obviously concerned for her. Lex wondered what was best for him to say. “But her mother’s mother was a witch,” Ben continued, “my wife… a powerful witch, too! She reached the fifth stage of magic, which is quite a feat… There’s quite a chance Clover is a witch. She would have been the perfect teacher for Clover… but she passed away a year after her granddaughter was born. Witchcraft isn’t a skill that is easily learnt or developed. And Clover’s two years of practice are nothing compared to her grandmother’s eight years before she cast her first spell.”

“EIGHT YEARS?!” Clover blasted, her eyes almost popping out of her head, “You didn’t tell me that!”

“… I’m not so confident about Kyle having any superhuman skills embedded in him, though,” Ben said almost reluctantly.

“Whatever,” Kyle hissed, “it’s all nonsense, anyway!”

“But his rapid development in the art of the sword will probably make up for that,” the old man consoled, smiling. Kyle couldn’t help laughing a little.

“My father, Itarato, was one of the most powerful swordsmen in all of Libson!” Kyle boasted, “He was feared even by the lawmen, even by the then King Aragan of Magma Town.” A look of excitement and confusion wrinkled Lex’s face a bit. Ben laughed.

“Fret not, you’ll learn all you need to in time.”

“So when do we begin training?!” the excited blue-eyed boy inquired.

“In but a short time,” Ben answered, secretly even more excited about training Lex than the boy himself. “Kyle, show Lex to his quarters. I’ll soon be back.” With that, Ben left the house. Lex glanced over to a familiar door – the door to the room he remembered waking in.

“Oh, that’s Ben’s room. I’ll show you ours.” The very thought of sharing a room with a boy around his age excited him. He had no siblings, and he’d never had a sleepover or been camping. Kyle walked Lex over to another door. Lex entered the room quickly. There were three small, neatly spread beds.

So I’ll be sharing room with *her* too? His heart suddenly began pounding hard at the thought of it.

“Cool!” a cased sword laying under the bed closest to the door distracted him from his previous thoughts, which probably nearly got him a little too excited anyway. Kyle jumped before Lex and grabbed up the scabbard, drawing the sword from it proudly. A beam of sunlight hit it and bounced off beautifully. The boy held it perfectly vertically, his arms fidgeting a bit under the weight. Clover jumped back in fright on entering the room.

“Hail the power and might of Kyle Khariaki Bengushi!” the boy declared. Lex’s eyes glistened in great excitement.

“Come on! Put that thing away!” Clover exclaimed, sounding nervous and annoyed. Kyle laughed, then brought the sword from its erect position and handed it to Lex like he would become his master and teacher. Lex grabbed the sword eagerly. His left hand rushed to the rescue as the sword was many times heavier than he had anticipated. Kyle laughed, expecting such a reaction, then grabbed the sword from Lex.

“Watch this!” the boy went to a far corner of the room and flashed the blade about swiftly and seemingly skilfully. Clover rolled her eyes and sighed.

“Let’s see how well you can flash that thing around when I turn you into a frog!”
Lex laughed. Somehow, these two didn’t seem much like strangers to him. He felt a genuine happiness that overshadowed his confusion and puzzlement.

Clover walked past Lex toward the last of three beds that were lined up. Lex inhaled her scent, which gave him, for that short moment, indescribable bliss and contentment. Lex sat on the middle bed, realizing that it was his. It felt soft and comfy, even homely. He bounced on it a little, and pressed upon it with his palms in examination. “Nice!”

“Grandpa made them himself!” Clover said with a near boastful tone.

“Cool! Pretty crafty, I see!” Lex looked to his left and right at the siblings. They were lying in their beds. He gazed for a moment at Clover’s hair as it graced the white pillow.

“So!” Clover began, snapping Lex out of his gaze. He gulped heavily, wondering if she saw him staring. “Tell me about your family! Where’re you from?”

“Well… I live with my mom… She’s… Ha! She’s really nice, but she treats me like too much of a kid!” Clover giggled. “My father… Don’t have one… She always get upset when I try to talk about him, so I leave it alone… She’s enough, anyway!”

“Sounds nice! Be happy you got to live with even one of your parents… You’ll miss her quite a bunch, though,” she said in a soft tone of compassion.

“Miss her?”

My parents…” Clover began. Kyle sighed, knowing full well what would happen. He didn’t even bother to look at her. Lex’s heart sunk and he grew silent as he saw tears run down Clover’s face. There was a pale expression on her face. “Nine years ago, my parents and grandpa lived in Baiku, a village fifty miles from here… I can’t remember--”

“Well I can,” Kyle came in sternly, a frighteningly sober tone in his voice. “Clover was a baby back then, but I was a boy, and I remember at least bits and pieces of what happened quite clearly. There was an attack on the village. It was at an ungodly, dark hour of night. I remember the loud, heavy bang that woke me… I woke up and crawled out of bed and peered down the stairs. There was chaos and noise and smoke… Soldiers in black and red were everywhere… I was afraid… They were Magmalian soldiers sent on a rampage by King Aragan, probably on a gold hunt. They often raid small villages and kill and steal at random because of the size of their forces. I watched… as they slaughtered my father… He had a sword, but he was no match for the soldiers… I can still hear my mother shouting… …”

Lex noticed Kyle’s eyes beginning to moisten. Seeing this made Clover cry even harder. “…Daddy… Daddy… The babies… Grab them and run… But there was no saving herself; the soldiers had already grabbed on to her. As the man raised the sword to kill her… grandfather grabbed me up. He already had Clover. He dived through a window with us and started running… Our grandmother… this great witch my grandfather rants about… she wasn’t there to defend my mother and father with her great and famous magic. She just had to go and die a year before, when it was peaceful…” A tone of deep resentment was palpable in Kyle’s voice. “Grandfather ran straight ‘til dusk before he stopped to rest… The next day, he took us to this village, where he captured land and built this house with his own two hands… That old geezer, although he’s quite the annoyance with his senseless stories and ideas… he’s been our mother and father since then, and he’s taught us everything we know…”

A long moment of pensive silence passed. “Alright!!” Ben’s voice tore through the thick silence from behind the door, “Rise and shine! Come on, come on! Training time!” The three rose from their beds quickly. Kyle drew his sword from its case. Ben burst the door open, a grin of excitement on his face. “Listen up now, Lex! The very moment you step outside, your training begins. First of all, there’s no more ‘Ben’ or ‘Old man’. You will address me as Master Bengushi! Or Your Excellence Bengushi, or even King Bengushi if you please!” Clover covered her mouth to stifle her laughter.

Lex made a sharp salute at the old man with as stern a face as he could find, “Alright, old man Ben… gushi… majesty…sir…”

The old man sighed, making Clover giggle some more. “Close enough I suppose.”

In no time, the three students were standing shoulder to shoulder before their master. “Kyle, you’re up first!” Bengushi began.

“Right!” Kyle stepped toward the old man.

“Draw your blade!” Kyle drew his sword excitedly. He was glad his ‘real’ training had finally began, being tired of learning the ‘basics’.

“Good,” Bengushi said, “you two at the back, unless you trust this young novice with your lives, stand clear!” Without needing to be told twice, Lex and Clover stood clear.

“Huh?! Even you, sis?!”

“Focus, Kyle!” Ben snapped, making Kyle face him again. Lex looked around. He saw a few houses in the distance all around him, and could make out no definite road. Little meadows and overgrown bushes were everywhere, and there were many trees about. He inhaled the cool, crisp air, and the distant chirping of birds made his mind calm and clear. This place redefines country.

Ben bent down and took up a few pebbles from the ground. “These are pebbles – tiny stones that can inflict minimal damage at this distance if used by the average opponent. See how many you can deflect with your sword. Keep in mind that you will fail the succeeding challenge miserably, so don’t mess this one up.” Kyle hissed, taking his defensive stance. Ben pulled his hand back and flung the first stone. Lex grinned as Kyle flashed his sword and deflected the small projectile. Ben sent another, and another, then he began throwing them a bit more rapidly, but his grandson knocked away each one. “Not bad, Kyle!” Lex cheered him on. The proud boy snickered, then made a hiss, sounding like the challenge was beneath him.

“Heheheheh! You probably think you’re better than the six year old version of myself, but pay attention to this next stage.” Kyle looked on intently with great focus, ready to finish this challenge and walk away like a cool guy. Bengushi dug down into his pockets and withdrew a brown sack. Kyle, Lex and Clover looked on with suspense. The man emptied the sack of what looked to Lex like purple matches into his hand, tossing the sack aside. “These are real poison darts,” the man said. Kyle’s eyes widened at this, though he tried to seem unfazed. “If touched by one of these, you’re a dead man in seven seconds.” Kyle clenched his teeth and his brows narrowed. “Of course, seeingI am sure you will fail this challenge, the poison on these darts are very dilute, just strong enough to paralyze you for a few hours.”

“Hmmm… Doesn’t sound too peachy either,” Kyle muttered to himself.

“Get ready!” Ben tossed the tens of little sticks up in the air before him, then, with movements too swift for any of the watchers to follow, sharply and forcefully jabbed each one with one of his middle fingers, sending them off at high speeds toward Kyle. Clover and Lex watched with wide eyes. While Ben set the fifty sticks in rapid motion before gravity could affect them, Kyle could only make one swing with his sword. Anticipating perfectly the boy’s movement, Ben aimed the sticks that none would be touched by Kyle’s sword. Kyle was still holding his sword out, staring in confusion toward his grandfather.

“Uh… What just happened, Clover?” Lex asked. Clover shook her head. Kyle felt the fifty sticks stuck to his body.

“Of course you missed,” Ben said bluntly and with no tone of surprise or even insult, “but this was a test of observation; what colour are the sticks?” Kyle continued staring out at Ben, a clueless look on his face.

Dammit… How could I miss something that obvious? I was so concerned about the paralysis that--

Ben laughed aloud. “Time for Xashi training!”

“Finally!” Lex sighed with a bright grin. Kyle looked down at the sticks attached to him, realizing that it was just glue that was at the tips. He sighed in relief.

“Xashi, huh? Rest time for me, then,” Kyle said, and went around the back of his house, taking his attack stance quickly, beginning to strike at the men in black and red. They were the only imaginary enemies in his inventory.

Clover and Lex stood before Ben. “Now Lex, in order for you to realize the power you have within you, you must reach a state of complete mental stability…” Lex nodded, though he didn’t know what his teacher was talking about. According to the prophecies, he should have *that* ability, the man thought. “Also,” he continued, “you must have a faith and belief in yourself that is absolute. Faith is the gateway to possibility. Now relax your muscles… Feet further apart… Good! Now relax your mind, and clear it of all thought, all emotion…” A cool wind blew on Lex’s face, and he felt a tranquil calmness. “Breathe in…” Bengushi instructed in a low voice, “Hold it, hold it… Out…In… …Out… Good. Just like that – deep, steady breaths.” Clover was already in this position, her mind as clear as she could get it. “Think of nothing at all… You will realize that clearing your mind is not as easy as it sounds, but it is necessary… Do not think of a colour, or a girl or your mother, or a pink unicorn riding a three-legged horse. Just think of nothing; empty your mind of everything… Close your eyes – sight will distract you.”

For around an hour, the only sounds there were the calm, deep breathing of Lex and Clover, and the sound of Kyle’s blade slicing through the crisp, cool wind. I can feel that he’s already at Clover’s level of mental calm… At this rate, he will be realizing that blood-chilling power in a matter of days… His potential is immense. “Now listen very carefully…” Ben breathed, walking closer to them, “Bring your fingers together – only the tip of your fingers should touch… Index on index, middle on middle, all of them… Leave a hollow sphere between your palms… Now believe and be sure that a special energy is coursing through you veins… ready to manifest in that space between your hands…” Kyle quietly walked around to where his sister and Lex were, sweating and trying to keep his panting quiet. He sat on the step, leaning on the front door, his sword spread across his lap. “Slow, steady breaths…Inner tranquillity… No excitement or stimulation… Only clarity of mind… This power you have is in your spirit… Your spirit and mind are becoming one… Your mind and body are becoming one…”

Almost suddenly, Lex felt an unusual chill rush through his body. He felt coldness running along his veins, toward his hands; but this coldness he felt, this feeling close to numbness, was somehow exhilarating. He didn’t feel like he needed to warm up, but he felt the desire to feel an even denser, deeper cold. After minutes of this feeling intensifying, the cold he felt became frightening and even more exciting. He felt his palms grow stiff with intense cold. Bengushi and Kyle stared on with wordless lips and unblinking eyes. Lex’s eyes flung themselves open suddenly, and he stared down at his hands, or at least what was in them. Down before him was a misty orb of faint blue, almost white. It appeared to be a dense ball of cold air, and it grew denser by the second. Unmoving, the frightened boy stared at the mysterious ball of coldness. Then, he slowly looked up at Bengushi, who was staring on with an even more awful expression.

“Holy mother of Oga…” Kyle whispered to himself, “What the hell…”

“The boy in the prophecy…” Bengushi muttered to himself, still in a frozen state of shock, “is an Icemaker… This boy… He just made an orb of ice energy…”

Suddenly, Ben’s expression changed from that of awe to that of exuberant discovery. “Bloody hell, kid! You’re a goddamn Icemaker!” The man finally hollered. Clover, in all this excitement, was still shut up in her own mind. She didn’t even hear the loud outcry of Bengushi. Kyle got up and took a few steps, his brows wrinkled in disbelief and still in scepticism, trying to get a better look at the mysterious thing housed in Lex’s palms. His awe and wonder silenced him. He was forced, in that moment, to consider all the doubts he had about his grandfather’s tales over the years.

“I am an Icemaker…” Lex finally spoke, chilly mist appearing from his mouth as he uttered.

“Yes… That orb in your hands…” Ben moved closer to inspect it, “it is an orb of concentrated ice energy, a sphere of elemental ice… This is an amazing element, said to be Kizer’s favourite, as its purpose was not to destroy, but to preserve… Such splendour…” the old man continued to awe at the beautiful sphere of chilly power.

“This is unbelievable,” Lex breathed, his heart racing with excitement and pride, even with vision; in a flash, he could now see himself as a hero, a saviour, at least much more than an ordinary kid.

“Alright, concentrate,” Bengushi said, his tone returning to that of a master. He pointed at a good-sized tree a few yards off. “Slowly condense the sphere,” Bengushi instructed. Lex brought his hands closer together slowly, but he felt more pressure and resistance than he could oppose. Still, the slight blueness of the ball grew richer, and he could feel more ice energy rushing into it. The ball grew more and more defined, and the mist around it lessened. “Good, now pull it back, and push it off. It will move through the air faster than you think. It’s not about strength, but direction and focus.” Lex narrowed his eyes slightly, fixing them on the leafy target up ahead, and pulled the icy ball back with both hands, bringing it to almost touch his chest. “Hmmm… He should miss the first few-- What?!” Lex pushed off the orb forcefully, and it moved through the air with great speed, as the old man had expected. It hit the bark of the massive tree Lex targeted, then something quite incredible happened immediately after. The ball of ice energy, on hitting the tree, underwent rapid expansion. Ice spread from the point of contact swiftly, and in a second, the entire tree was covered in a thick layer of ice. Icicles hung down from the tips of the frozen leaves. Lex stared out at his wondrous work. To be so accurate on his first attempt… Ben was certainly impressed. The ice is even more parasitic than I imagined. The elemental ice, which is merely a dense, fluid energy, quickly converts to natural ice on contact, diffusing rapidly with the power to imprison almost anything…

“I did it!” Lex rejoiced, looking on proudly at his masterpiece.

“Marvellous! We have in our midst an Icemaker!” the old man announced proudly. The boy looked down at his palms. Icy mist rose from them.

“This cold… It feels… so natural,” Lex contemplated, noticing that he had no desire for warmth. Lex looked over at Clover, then jumped back in fright, his eyes wide. Lex, Kyle and Ben watched the girl keenly.

“She’s finally found it,” Ben marvelled. “To think all this would happen in the same hour… Truly unthinkable…”

“Clover…” Lex awed, a wide smile crawling up on his face. Kyle could only stare at his little sister. A bright green light, that the spectators could hardly behold directly, enveloped the girl’s hands. She opened her eyes finally, with an abruptness that frightened the watchers. Her eyes underwent a slight flash of green that only Bengushi noticed, since he was looking out for it.

“Her mana is finally awake,” he said to himself, smiling, pleased and more than impressed, taking into account her age. Without instruction, Clover flung her hands toward the icy tree ahead. The green energy, like a contained light, swiftly left her hands and moved toward the tree much faster than Lex’s iceball did.

“Abingush!” the girl shouted. As the green light touched the tree, something probably more amazing than the preceding events occurred. In a split second, there was a huge bang, and the frozen tree was blown to bits. The force from the blast sent Lex and Kyle flying back, but somehow, Ben and Clover held their ground. Kyle landed on his feet, skating back until his back hit the front door. Lex landed on his back, quickly rising to his feet, ignoring the pain and bruises. The frozen tree was no more. The lookers, even Clover, spun around, looking at the tiny bits of ice and water and wood scattered about a wide area.

“Wow! What the hell?!” Kyle finally blasted, his eyes almost popping out of his head. He grabbed on to his head tightly, trying hard to keep himself from going mad, or believing he was mad already.

Suddenly, Lex burst out into a crazy-sounding laugher, unable and having no reason to contain his excitement. Bengushi, being even more thrilled, began outdoing Lex with the wild laughing. He ran to his confused granddaughter, and grabbed her up, spinning in her in the air rowdily. “Did… Did I do that?!” she questioned on reaching her feet again, “I blew up a tree?!”

“Damn right you blew up a tree!” Lex came in.

“You two have unlocked your hidden gifts, and have now begun your journeys through the art of Xashi!” Bengushi declared.

“You too, Lex ?!” Clover blasted excitedly, now grinning away. “Yeah, I totally turned that tree to ice! And you totally minced it up!”

“That’s amazing! Real sorry I missed it!” She grabbed Lex tightly, whose body was still quite chilly. His eyes widened as Clover embraced him for the short while. She pushed him off quickly, and ran to her unmoving brother, throwing herself at him, hugging him. “You see that, Kyle?!”

“Heheheh! You did pretty good, lil’ sis!” Kyle congratulated, “All that training is finally beginning to pay off, ain’t it? Seems you really did have it in ya all along!” He managed to hide his ambivalence, his feelings of jealousy and unfairness from Clover and Lex, but Bengushi noticed it in his voice and in his eyes, for he had expected it.

“That green light around my hands!” she began, releasing Kyle, looking down at her now normal-looking palms.

“Mana – it is the raw form of magic, the energy that makes magic possible, generated only by sorcerers!” Bengushi explained.

“But that word… what was it? Where did it come from?” the girl asked, remembering herself making a strange and unfamiliar utterance.

“I don’t know…” Bengushi answered, his hand at his chin in deep thought.

“Clover, get a load o’ this!” Lex spouted in excitement, setting his palms to create another iceball. He strained to produce even a visible mist of ice energy, but he only felt a slight chill run though him.

“That’s how it is, Lex,” Bengushi told, “it takes practice. As you’re only beginning, you will produce ice energy at a buggingly slow rate, but that improves over time as you’d imagine. By tomorrow, you’ll be able to create an iceball in seconds!”

“Super! That’s what I’m talkin’ about!”

“You two remember now, excessive use of mana or ice energy will lead to dangerous levels of exhaustion. If you push too hard, you’ll tap into your life energy and probably kill yourselves, so take it easy for now, okay?” The eyes of the three listeners widened at this. “Now good work everyone- that’s it for today! You’re dismissed!”

“Wow! I’m starving!” Lex gave out, his mind running on that delicious fish he had had moments ago. He rushed through the front door.

“Wait up!” Clover called, chasing after him giddily, rushing past Kyle. Kyle looked up at Bengushi, noticing the marked change of expression on his face. His look of excitement and joy had morphed into a solemn look of concern and soberness. The old man walked toward Kyle, who was just turning away to go inside.

“Kyle!” The teenager stopped and hissed under his breath, facing his grandfather. He watched curiously as the old man bent and took up the scabbard and sword and cased it. Then, he pushed the scabbard firmly on Kyle’s chest, pushing him back almost to fall. Kyle glared at the man with a fierce expression, which seemed to be reflected at him. “You’re still her big brother. I trust you won’t forget that,” Bengushi told him. “It is still your duty to protect not just her, but that boy.”

“Are you blind?!” Kyle blasted with what seemed like sudden rage, “They’re not even human! What can I do to protect them?! Didn’t you see—” Bengushi firmly pushed Kyle against the wall as he tried to resist. Kyle gave up, seeing that Ben was stronger than him. The glare in Kyle’s eyes became fiercer by the second, and his teeth clenched tightly within his fast-shut lips.

“You will protect them, and guide them, and be their sense,” the old man said in a stern, quiet tone that Kyle grew to respect and acknowledge over everything else. He clenched his teeth tighter as Ben shoved the scabbard against him more forcefully. “This is your path. I trust you won’t get left behind.” Bengushi grabbed the boy’s tense right hand and slammed it against the scabbard. He grabbed the case naturally. “That look in your eyes… I know them better than even you do, and I know what they’re trying to hide… Dare me and I’ll force them out,” the old man said. Kyle just continued to glare at the man. With suddenness, Bengushi grabbed and hugged him. He smiled as he heard his grandson sob. Then, Kyle pushed him off forcefully, his eyes still moist and a new look in his eyes. He uncased the sword like a warrior, glaring at the old man with a look he proudly accepted.

“I will not be outdone.”

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
hermione315
Review

Hello! Hermione here for Rydia’s Big Review Contest! So far this story sounds really interesting. I’m really impressed that you were able to get it published! I would love to read the whole thing sometime. I’m going to try to give you some constructive criticism on this piece, but I understand if you don’t modify your story seeing as how it’s already published. Okay. I’ll stop rambling now and get on with this review. Sorry if I hop around a lot.

One of the main things about chapter one that bothered me was Ben’s tremendously long monologue explaining the seven spirits. Although the information was interesting, it morphed from a necessary explanation into a long, tedious speech. It actually made me lose interest in your story, because it was giving everything away so quickly. While this information is necessary to reveal at some point in your novel, in my opinion it would sound better if you hadn’t told it all in the form of a lengthy info-dump in the first chapter. Some of this information should have been left for readers to discover later on.

If you don’t want to get rid of the way you told all of this information, here’s a couple ideas to make Ben’s explanation more readable. Lex has never heard any of this information before, so it would be natural for him to interrupt Ben with questions every once in a while. This would keep the explanation progressing in a more regular, conversational manner. Also, it would be neat if you could include some of Ben’s body language as he tells the story. Do his eyes ever widen in excitement? Does he ever bite his lip or hesitate before speaking?

Normally I enjoy a long chapter, but this one seemed a bit too long. This isn't necessarily because of its length; it's because so many things happen in it and they all happen in such a short time frame. I think it would help if you would slow this chapter down and break it up into two separate chapters, the second beginning when the kids start their training.

The powers you came up with for Lex and Clover are awesome. I can already tell that they, along with sword-wielding Kyle, are going to make a great, dynamic team. Also, I love the personalities of your characters. The part you included about Lex explaining the wonders of his realm to the others is adorable. My only nitpick here is that Clover, Kyle, and Ben didn't tell Lex anything in return about day to day life in their own realm. That would have been some helpful insight to the readers. But I'm sure you'll get more into that in a later chapter, so that's okay.

Clover and Kyle’s backstory is utterly heartbreaking. The only thing I didn’t like about you telling their backstory in the first chapter is the missed opportunity to make it a bit of a mystery. Clover and Kyle both get upset every time that their mom is mentioned. I think you could have continued to build on their emotions and reactions so that it would have ate away on Lex’s curiosity. Whenever Lex finally did find out, you could have placed it in a pivotal point in the story. This is just a suggestion.

Overall, this is a good chapter. It definitely intrigued me enough to want to finish reading your story. I’m sorry if I sounded harsh at all throughout this review; I really enjoyed this piece. You have an amazing talent for world-building and story-telling, and I hope you can find my constructive criticism and suggestions helpful. Keep writing! :)

Thanks millions! Very helpful review.

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Sun Mar 30, 2014 7:59 pm

Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

I saw that chapter 5 of your novel was in the Green Room so I figured I come read the other chapters first before commenting on the fifth chapter.

Wow...that was long! But I like long chapters so it was actually a good thing :)

Prologue
I'm really into making sure that everyone has great opening lines, whether it be the first line in a book, short story, or poem. It's always important that the opening line is enticing, interesting, and written well. The first line of your prologue is a bit iffy for me. I don't hate it, but I don't love it at the same time. So I wanted to help you rewrite it to give it just a little more so it can be great.

He saw twelve men, dressed and looking like men of war, men of strength.

First of all, I think this should be two sentences instead of one. Really, you took two perfect sentences and smooshed them together. Written a different way, it could make more sense: "He saw twelve men standing there - men of strength. They were dressed like men of war in their (insert description of clothing here)". Do you see how something like that would flow a lot better?

I really enjoyed reading your prologue. There was a lot of imagery in it and you combined it well with telling us what you wanted us to know.

The only thing I have to say about it is that you mention a character, Lex, and then don't mention them again. I was left wondering what happened to Lex and why you didn't mention him (her?) again.

Chapter 1
The first thing I noticed while reading was that your dialogue is embedded into the paragraphs. You have to make sure that dialogue is always separate and stands out. Otherwise, the readers will get confused and have trouble finding the dialogue. The rule I always go by is start a new paragraph when a new person speaks. That way the dialogue will stand out and the reader will always know who's speaking when.

As I'm reading this, I feel like it's moving a bit too fast. All of this is a dream; Lex wants to kiss this girl; an oracle is going to train him; Lex has to save the world. It's one thing after another after another. And there's not really much taht goes on inbetween. I want to know more about Lex's life. Where does he live? Who does he live with? How old is he? Does he go to school? What does he do there? There's so much that I want to learn about Lex. But maybe I'll figure out more about him later.

Another thing I noticed was there is four or five paragraphs in a row where the oracle is talking. It seems like just a huge info dump. I learn a lot from these paragraphs, but it's kind of realistic for the oracle to talk so long about all of this. Instead, I feel like this information should be revealed to Lex at a slower pace over a few chapters or at least more time.

Overall this is a good chapter. Like I've said, there was a lot of dialogue that was embedded in paragraphs and it was hard to make out. Also, there were a lot of times when I thought that the chapter should've ended and a new one should've started. There was a lot more information in this chapter than I thought there should have been. And I still think that things are moving a bit too fast.

But overall this is a good start. I can't wait to read more! I'm totally into the whole magic thing and this prophecy that Lex is a part of. I will be back for more!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Thanks much! Very helpful review you did me here!

User avatar
rainbowcabbit
Review

Hello! Its me again! I am really glad I read this chapter. Like I mentioned before, you are great at writing. You have excellent diction, to the point where I don't even know the meaning of some of the words (but that is definitely a good thing) and I find the characters to be really awesome. I only have a few concerns.
The first one you kinda fixed over the course of this story, and that's simply your dialogue set up. Whenever dialogue occurs, you should make it a new paragraph. When the speaker of the dialogue changes it must be a new paragraph, other wise the reader won't know who is speaking. Also, in some parts of your story the wording was only a little bit awkward.

“What is this training you keep talking about?!” Lex asked. “Ha! Y’all know you’re in my dream, right?!”
Personally I would replace the period with a comma and the "Ha" with a "wait".

That's it! I cannot wait to read your other chapters. You have a great story, so keep working hard! :D

Thanks for yet another review! I will look into your suggestions and make the necessary changes!

User avatar
NerdBird
Review

Hi there! Your friendly neighborhood NerdBird here for a review!

Firstly, wow, I was completely absorbed by this. It used elements from lots of current themes but twisted them to form something unique and original and I loved it!

Your descriptions are great, adding atmosphere and personality to the thing you're describing.
Your dialogue is perfection in my books. You show and don't tell with your characters speaking, it's really well done!

The only problem I have with this is it could easily be split into two sections.
Possibly a long the lines when Kyle, Clover and Lex all bed down in their room.
The new chapter could then start as they begin their training so its less chunky for readers (I had to read it in four sittings due to its length).

Overall I've taken a lot away from this read. Your perspective and understanding of your world and your characters is impeccable and I admire you for that!
I only wish that shone through my work as strongly as it does with yours.
Keep Writing!
And let me know when you post the next chapter! :)

Thank you! Heh! Well you're the second reviewer (out of 2 so that's 100%) that speaks to the length of the piece. Thing is, in my book, there are 40 chapters that don't look too long while turning pages, but I guess on a screen it can look pretty scary. I'll start breaking the longer chapter down into parts for this site because of this. Thanks again for your kind words! By the time you read this, chapter two should be up! (I'll be sure to check out your work)

User avatar
Joe
Review
Joe wrote a review · Thu Mar 06, 2014 4:43 pm

Hello it's Joe to the reviewing rescue.

Firstly welcome to the Young Writers society! I hope you find this website as fun and resourceful as I have.
Okay, so the first thing I noticed was that you've published this. Congrats! This is super impressive not many people publish their books here.
One thing I did notice is that you're mostly telling the start. For example:

"They seemed quite noble, and most of them seemed to be in their prime. It seemed even more giant from the inside"
"Seemed" is a telling word. It's also very easy to cut out.

"They were noble, and most of them in their prime" "It was even larger from the inside"

If you put 'seemed' in there it ads doubt which clouds the readers vision of the scene.
Also there's this:

"They had practically equally long hair" The practically here is superfluous, it flow much better without it.

That said you did have some great descriptions. "An air of might emanated from them"
This is great, you can really feel how oppressive they are.
Now I didn't read all this. I just woke up where I am and wanted to finish one of my many unfinished short stories but came here instead. This, I think, would be better broken in two just because most people don't have time to read this all at once.

Anyway this was a great story thanks for sharing it with me! Keep writing and let me know if you post the next chapter I'm really excited to read it. If you need help figuring anything out give a yelp and I'll come help.

P.S What published did you use?

Regards, Joe Smoe

Thanks for the review. Will look into your comments. Primarily it's on Amazon and Kindle. 40 chapters.



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