Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
The gorgeous girls welcomed the visitors graciously and gladly, like they were long anticipated. “Oh hello!” the seemingly eldest of the girls greeted them, “Welcome to Waterloo!” One of them even helped Clover out of the boat. “You all look like tired and hungry!” the same girl said, smiling warmly.
“Starving as a matter of fact!” Kyle said, grabbing Lex’s shoulder.
“You three sisters?” Mike asked, the resemblance amongst them making it obvious.
“We are!” one of them said. “Aren’t we just the prettiest girls you’ve ever seen?” They were smiling at the boys and staring at them suggestively, running their fingers through their silky-smooth blonde hair.
Clover stepped in front of Lex rather aggressively. “We don’t have time to lodge here, ladies!” she said, her smile obviously forced and her dislike for them unconcealed. “Remember our mission, guys,” she reminded.
“Oh, men with a mission! That just thrills me!” the talkative girl squealed, and the other two giggled with the same provocative air. Clover noticed that the one seeming to be the eldest could hardly keep her eyes off Lex.
“I don’t think it’s a bad idea for us to stay a while,” Lex came in, and the girls’ eyes lit up with excitement.
“You’re right!” Kyle agreed, “Some decent food and a short break won’t kill us.”
“I am glad!” the same girl said, her face almost turning red with glee, “My name is Elizabeth by the way, and these are my sisters, Martha and Joana! Follow us to our home!”
“Sweet!” Mike exclaimed, still grinning almost deviously.
“Your buckets!” Lex reminded as they were leaving, turning to grab them.
“Oh just leave them there!” Elizabeth said, flashing her hand at them, not sounding even slightly concerned. She turned and smiled at Lex again, and bit her lips slightly, making him almost gasp for breath. Elizabeth led the group through a cool, damp path where continual trotting had lowered a road of softish grass.
“So what kind of ‘mission’ are you guys on?” Joana questioned, sounding quite intrigued. She held on to Mike’s arm, massaging his hard biceps. Martha was closer to Kyle. Clover folded her fists, walking close by to Lex, waiting for Elizabeth to make a wrong move.
“We’re searching for ancient treasure,” Lex said, sounding a bit proud and boastful.
“Treasure?!” Joana looked over to Lex with glistening eyes.
“So you’re gonna be rich, then!” Martha surmised.
“Well, I don’t know about that,” Lex continued, laughing a bit, “this treasure… it’s not gold or silver or anything I can just sell to some merchants,” he tried to explain, suddenly wondering just how much money the vessels might actually be worth.
“Well how can it be treasure, then?” Martha asked.
“You wouldn’t understand!” Clover came in with a snobbish vibe.
“Well, whatever!” Elizabeth dismissed the subject, “Where are you all from?”
“Yakima Village!” Lex answered. The girls seemed surprised.
“Long way from home now, eh?”
“Well, I’m from all over!” Mike came in, “Been to all the big cities! Even ships that leave the continent! Been to more places than you can imagine, angels!” he boasted, making them giggle. Kyle hissed. Joana held more tightly to him.
“Oh, such a liar!” she taunted. Lex and Kyle wondered whether he was telling the truth; for a man like Mike, being on a big ship wouldn’t be too hard to believe.
“Is that sword real?!” Martha excited kiddishly, probably just noticing it. Kyle smirked and snickered a proud, manly laugh. “Like my sword, eh? Might just use it on you when you get home… if you’re a bad girl.” Mike laughed, as Kyle wasn’t even subtle with his suggestiveness. The girls giggled.
Don’t they ever shut up?! Clover thought, forcing herself not to think out loud.
A short while of walking through low grass and pleasant-smelling flowers led them to a small cluster of houses. Elizabeth led them to one of the houses and carried them on the veranda, opening the door. The house was small, but heavily decorated with plants and paintings, and was filled with a lovely, soothing incense. “Right this way!” she invited, and led them to a dining table inside. The four sat, feeling welcomed and comfortable, well maybe except for Clover. Elizabeth’s sisters scurried into the kitchen while she bought the other two girls some time with pleasant conversation. As soon as she was about to check on the food, her sisters appeared with trays of tastily-smelling pastry. There were dumplings, pudding, cakes, muffins, and things they didn’t even recognize, but knew couldn’t be bad-tasting. “Well, dig in!” she told them, smiling, “don’t mind us, we’re full! We’ll be right this way so call us when you’re all stuffed.”
“Or if you want anything else,” Joana said with a highly indicative wink.
“These girls are too nice!” Lex ginned, digging into the food viciously. Kyle and Mike would not be left behind. Though Clover wasn’t very giggly at the moment, she was as hungry as the beastly boys. She grabbed a muffin and stared to eat, fearing if she sat and sulked for even a minute, none would be left for her. After just a few minutes, the trays were empty, and the guests rested back in the chairs, almost paralyzed by the amount of food they ate. “Damn, those cakes are really out of the ordinary,” Clover admitted to herself, “well, we must be going now,” she told them, dragging Lex up.
“Sis, I think I may be a bit too full to move,” Kyle said, laughing.
“Same here, princess!” Mike came in, raising his hand.
“I said get up!” Clover blasted aggressively. The two boys found their strength immediately, and they followed Clover to the veranda.
“Hey!” Elizabeth met them, standing, “All done?”
“We are,” Clover answered, trying to smile as genuinely as possible, “thank you very much for the food and your warm hospitality, but we must be going now!”
“Why the rush?” Elizabeth pled, sounding distraught, “Couldn’t you stay a while longer? You could even spend the night, you know!”
“No way!” Clover shouted, releasing her annoyance suddenly. She glanced around quickly, trying to recover. “I mean… thank you, Elizabeth, but we must be leaving.”
“Don’t look so glum, girls!” Kyle tried to cheer them up, “Chances are we’ll see you again on our way back!”
“How far are you heading?” Joana asked.
“Ghost Town,” the four said at once.
The three girls exchanged wide-eyed glances. “What?” Clover asked, not having a good feeling about the expression on their faces.
“I’m sorry, did you say, Ghost Town?” Martha enquired.
“Don’t tell me the name of the place frighten you girls,” Kyle came in.
“Well, I don’t know which is worse, the town itself or the routes to get there,” Elizabeth said, sounding worried.
“Heh! Don’t worry, ladies, I’ve heard all the stories there are!” Mike assured, “And there’s nothing that can bother travellers like us!” Kyle took out his map and looked at the routes to see if he had missed anything.
“Says here we take either ‘Pirate Town’ or some ‘Sludge’,” Kyle said, still looking down at the map.
“That’s right,” Mike said, “and the faster route’s through the sludge. Besides, Pirates’ Town’s a real volatile place – crowned the murder capital of the continent.”
“That’s right! But the sludge!” Elizabeth had a look of fright on her face, “It has a monster in it,” she told them, almost in a whisper. Kyle and Mike laughed.
“It’s only a myth to keep children away from the lagoon,” Mike told them, sounding certain. “The sludge itself is dangerous. It’s toxic and it’s difficult to traverse, so if little kids get stuck in it, they probably wouldn’t last a day!” Suddenly, the looks on the girls’ faces changed entirely. They began to look sceptical of this monster they had been told about since they were toddlers.
“So all this time, none of that crap was real?!” Joana blasted, sounding disillusioned and feeling foolish like her sisters.
“Well, if y’all decide to take the sludge, be sure to head back here and give me a report!” Elizabeth said, smiling.
“Well, we’ll be off, then,” Clover said, smiling at the girls. Kyle made a playful salute, and they gave more thanks and headed off.
In a much shorter time than they had expected, they were out of the small settlement and on their way to the sludge. After just minutes of brisk trotting, the four travellers turned and looked behind them at the sound of a nearing clopping sound. A swiftly moving carriage was approaching. They also saw, moving fast behind the carriage, several unfriendly-looking horsemen, one just loading another arrow into his bow and the others carrying swords of varying shapes and lengths in their hands. “The carriage is empty!” Mike announced, sounding like he wouldn’t let this opportunity pass. They timed the carriage perfectly, and as it neared them, right at a corner, they jumped on board.
“Off my carriage!” the panicking man yelled, glancing at them, then back on the road, then back at them again.
“It’s alright, sir! We just need a ride!” Kyle told him. On seeing that the hitchhikers weren’t with the chasing men, he practically ignored them, returning his attention to the dusty road ahead, cursing and swearing under his breath nervously.
“Kill those brats!” they heard a command ring out from one of the chasing men. With that, the archer released a flying arrow. Kyle quickly drew his sword and deflected it, then stumbled, nearly falling off the turbulent carriage. They crouched down on all fours, holding tightly to the carriage as it took a sharp turn. Still, the chasers followed closely. Lex put his palms together, forming an iceball quickly.
“Eat this!” He sent the orb of ice energy toward the confused archer. The man took the iceball in the chest, and ice quickly covered him, spreading even to the horse.
“Turn around! Turn around!” one of the chasers commanded, sounding fearful, and the group of men diverted and were quickly out of sight. The driver was still whipping his horses hard in panic, totally oblivious to the fact that the chase had ended.
“Alright! They’re gone! They’re gone!” Clover shouted to the man.
“What?!” the man continued to beat the poor horses.
“The men are gone!” Kyle blasted. The frightened man looked around, realizing that the angry men were not anywhere in sight. Still sceptical, the man didn’t stop completely just then. His panic calmed, though, and he gave the horses a break from the whipping. Finally, he slowed to a stop, not seeing any sign of the men. He jumped down from his horse, soaked in sweat, and by the look on his face, probably urine too. The four children jumped out of the carriage, their hearts racing. The man looked clear down the road.
“Not a sign of ‘em!” he marvelled, almost laughing, “I don’t understand! They were right upon me!”
“Seems you lost ‘em,” Lex told the man. The driver sighed heavily.
“But why were they chasing?” Clover asked.
“Robbers!” the man said, sounding angry now that his fear had worn off, “Damn robbers all the way from Pirates’ Town! I am a merchant!”
“Well, you know, we attacked those men! That’s why you’re alive!” Mike said, nodding, “See, there’s his sword! My bow and arrows’re are in the bag!” he told the man, hoping to get some kind of reward from this man claiming to be a merchant.
“But I have none of my wealth with me now, and they just wouldn’t believe me! I owe my life to you children!” the man bowed in sincere gratitude, “but what can I give you in return? All my merchandise is in Magma Town, many miles away!”
“Well, there is one thing you could help us with!” Lex said, smiling.
“Anything in my power!” the man quickly assured.
“We need a ride to Ghost Town, and we’re in much of a hurry.”
“Ghost Town…” a look of confusion and wonder was on the man’s face, as he obviously wondered why on earth four children would be hurrying off to a place like that.
“You see, I’m terrified of Pirates’ Town, and I’ll have to go through there!”
“No, no, no,” Kyle told him quickly, “that route isn’t in our favour either. We need you to take us through the sludge,” he explained.
“The sludge? But that’s a dead end! No one could possible make it through that thick muck!”
“We’ll decide that for ourselves!” Kyle said confidently, remembering how ‘impassable’ the great Smoke Hill was.
“Very well, then!” the man obliged, “To the sludge!”
The carriage was dragged along almost as swiftly as it was when the men were chasing, so before long, the road to the famed sludge was behind them. The four dismounted quickly as the horses stopped abruptly.
“Alright! Be careful, now, little ones!” The merchant bade, “And many more thanks for saving my buttocks!” The merchant turned around and sped off, probably extremely late for some important business deal. They waved to the distancing man.
Before the travellers was quite an awful sight; something looking like a river of brown-green muck. As far ahead as their eyes could take them was this nasty-looking, foul smelling green substance. The muck was stagnant; there seemed to be no life at all in it. A thin, barely visible green mist sat on the surface of the goo. The four just stood there and stared for a moment, none of them wanting to make the first move.
“So… Who’s first?” Mike finally asked, looking around at Kyle and Lex, who were at his sides.
“You’ve kinda led us this far,” Kyle said to him, “I opt you don’t stop now.” Mike hissed, then slowly made his way toward the gooey substance, his shoes sinking as he progressed reluctantly. The others trailed him. The thick, unpleasant thing soon covered their feet. As they went deeper in, the level of the gooey sludge rose, and it became more and more of a bother to proceed. Clover’s face was contorted in such a strange way that even Lex had to laugh. He held her hand as they walked on slowly.
“That’s right, princess!” Mike jeered, “You’ll be getting a little messy today!”
As the thick river of filth reached their knees, thoughts of turning back filled their heads. Clover was shaking. “There must be another way!” she protested.
“The sludge isn’t even quarter mile’s journey,” Mike told her, not too fond of it himself anyway, “it’s better we just stick it out!”
“Gosh! At this rate, this goo will cover us!” the girl squirmed.
“It shouldn’t get much deeper than this,” Mike said, sounding certain.
“Sure hope you’re right,” Lex came in. For long, icky, sticky minutes, they crept through the nasty-smelling sludge, until they stopped at a strange sight ahead of them. Just yards off, the goo seemed to mount slowly, like something was rising from beneath it. The eight watching eyes widened and the four faces wore a look of dread and fright as the thing rose up from the sludge. Speechlessly, they watched the twelve meter tall thing rise from beneath the greenish river. It stood on two feet, and had obviously rough skin, seemingly even scales. It had what seemed to be four arms, and it seemed the creature’s back was turned to them.
“Does this toxic mist have a tendency to make people hallucinate?” Lex asked in a whisper. They knew running wasn’t an option; the goo was up to their waists by now, even up to Clover’s navel.
“You think it knows we’re here?” Kyle whispered to Mike. Mike just stared out at the extraordinary thing with a nearly pale face.
“It’s real…” he marvelled.
“Mike! Focus!” Kyle snapped.’
As if hearing Kyle, who didn’t quite whisper, the thing slowly turned around, looking down at the frightened children with its six greenish eyes. “Ab— about those stories… did they tell of any way to kill this thing?” Kyle asked, reaching for his sword. Mike snickered a little, though still looking frightened.
“Well, in the legends,” he answered, “the hero gets swallowed by the goo monster, then he plunges his sword into its heart… Both the hero and the monster dies.” They flashed glances at each other.
“You’re damn well crazy if you think I’m going inside that thing!” the swordsman flared. The monster roared, and its mouth opened up, revealing a space nearly as big as its head.
“Think that’s your invitation, Kyle,” Mike nudged, smiling a little, folding his fists; his right fist became instantly coated with the strange armour. Lex began charging up an iceball quickly.
Suddenly, the look of petrifying fear was wiped clean off Kyle’s face, and his face tensed and his eyes flared in certainty and confidence. “I am Kyle Bengushi! And I fear nothing!” he roared, staring up at the beast. With that, he moved as fast as he could toward the thing.
“Kyle! Are you crazy?!” Clover blasted. “You idiot!” she scolded Mike, grabbing on to him fiercely, “Make him come back!”
“I think it’s too late for that,” Mike said, smirking a little. “Let us distract the monster while Kyle makes himself the hero in the legends! It’s the only way we can help!”
“You idiot!” Clover blasted, quickly summoning up a great amount of mana.
“Nice!” Mike commended, giving her the thumbs up sign. The girl’s eyes suddenly widened, and she pointed, seemingly unable to speak.
“Mike, look out!” Lex’s voice rang out. The beast quickly extended one of its tentacles toward Mike. As he turned around to the frightening sight, the long green thing blasted him in his chest and plunged him deep under the goo. The strong tentacle held him firmly on the ground and he couldn’t do anything. Clover flashed her mana at the tentacle that blasted Mike nervously.
“Abingush!” Sticky goo flew in every direction as the explosion ruptured the tentacle. Quickly, the beast retracted the tentacle, its length diminishing speedily, until it resembled the other three again. The monster uttered another beastly cry, its month opening even wider than before. Kyle’s sights returned to the beast.
“That’s it,” he thought in quick analysis. Another tentacle blasted off toward the swordsman, but quick upper-body movement provided a narrow escape. The tentacle plunged into the river green just beside him, creating a pulsing current. With a roar, Kyle sliced the tentacle that was just inches from him. His sword went through it with surprising ease, and the amputated section fell and slowly sunk in the river. The monstrous thing drew back its sliced tentacle quickly, which seemed to regenerate impossibly speedily as it made another deafening cry.
“This monster may have four arms and four eyes, but its brain seems incapable of focusing on multiple targets at once,” Kyle considered. Lex finally managed to help Mike surface. He panted heavily, scraping the unpleasant substance from his face. Clover was hardly surprised to see that he was laughing. The girl turned her attention back to Kyle, who was slowly making his way toward the monster.
“Kyle! Get back here!” she called, but he ignored her.
Lex tried to contain and strengthen the mist forming in his hands, but with all his strain, the orb only vanished in a cool mist. He felt a sharper than pleasant pain in his head suddenly, and clenched his teeth. “Lex, what’s wrong?!” Clover asked, sounding very worried, summoning up as much mana as she could.
“Still can’t make any ice!” he answered, sounding highly annoyed, as he could have more than used a little ice energy at the moment. Kyle finally made his way to the feet of the monster, and on quick analysis, found it fit to case his sword. With the heavy blade on his back, he began to climb.
“Abingush!” Clover commanded, shattering another incoming tentacle. The monster seemed not to notice Kyle. As Kyle wiped the slippery goo from the monster, his tough, scaly skin was revealed, making for an easy climb. “That idiot!” Clover blasted, straining to conjure up even more green mana. There was a sudden nasty slam. Lex’s heart nearly failed him as a heavy green tentacle fiercely blasted Clover, sending her under, taking her consciousness immediately.
“Clover!” Quickly, another tentacle slammed down on Mike again. Lex looked to his immediate left and right. The two long limbs, thick like oak barks, were holding his friends down under the river of goo. Lex looked up at Kyle, who was swiftly scaling the monster’s legs, slipping down every now and again. A third tentacle jetted out toward the panicking Lex. The fretting boy flung his palms out, and his eyes blackened instantly. A thin black shield he barely had time to notice appeared between him and the fast-moving tentacle. The forceful thing blasted upon the thin black shield, and the beast made another loud shriek. Lex watched as the tentacle was retracted quickly, and a black steam rose from the part that touched the strange shield.
Though not entirely conscious of what was happening, he was fully engulfed in panic. His eyes still glowed hellishly, and dark power rushed through his veins. As he held his palms out before him, two spheres of pure dark energy appeared with seemingly no amount of effort, uncontaminated by his comparatively weak ice-energy. Lex grabbed on to the rapidly vibrating spheres, and in quick succession, hurled them at the beast. As they cut through the air at great speed, thousands of tiny spikes, sharper than any earthly blade, spun about the surface of the spheres at immeasurably high speeds, so the sphere would be able to tear through any metal with ease. Lex had created, without even knowing, the dreaded sphere of dark, uncommon legends, the shadowball, and two of them! The spheres blasted through the beast cleanly, making small explosions on impact. Green fluids gushed from the holes in the beast.
Kyle stared up at the gaping holes, that were quickly regenerating. Still clinging to the beast, he glanced back at Lex, knowing it must have been his doing. “Oh shit, not again,” he muttered in worry and annoyance, seeing a pale look on Lex’s face as the darkness quickly faded from his eyes. Kyle watched Lex fall and plunge into the sludge. The monster retraced its tentacles in a bellow of pain, flinging itself about, but Kyle held on tightly. Where the hell are Clover and Mike?! he wondered, fretting, fearing the worst. He was ready to jump down from the monster’s leg when he saw the green goo mounting up not too far away. Mike emerged, quickly looking about, panting, an unusual look of fright on his face. Remembering exactly where Lex and Clover were standing, he plunged his hands under the sludge and quickly drew them up. He flung his unconscious friends over his shoulders, making himself unable to move from where he was.
“Kyle, hurry!” Mike’s voice belted. The swordsman nodded shakily, and quickly and skilfully scaled the monster.
The beast flashed itself about in annoyance as the bug-sized boy held on as tight as a tick. Mike watched, wondering if even he, the boy with the iron fist, was capable of such a feat. His heart raced in excitement as Kyle held on tightly to the beast’s neck. “This is truly one for the books,” Mike muttered in awe. He watched keenly as Kyle drew his sword like a real gladiator, and sunk it into the beast’s neck. Green fluids gushed out. Bellowing at an almost deafening volume, the beast flashed its head about violently. Kyle couldn’t even scream. He just held on tight, and with great effort, remained focused. The beast’s mouth was so wide, a small train could probably go through it.
“Jump in! Jump in, Kyle!” the boy heard Mike’s voice belting even over the noise of the terrible bellow. Kyle climbed up on the thing’s shoulder, holding on to the sunken sword, looking up at the widened mouth, at the entrance of the dark pit. The swordsman drew the sword from out of the wound it had just made. His eyes widened as the wound regenerated in as much time as the sword took to make it. Kyle looked down at the helpless Mike, as the monster sent all its tentacles at him and the two he was holding.
“No!” Kyle blasted, and made a fateful leap, jumping up and grabbing the edges of the thing’s mouth, flinging himself down into the dark pit, into the age-old legend of the infamous swamp.
As the boy felt himself descending into the hot, damp darkness, he swung his swords about wildly, trying in vain to grab at something. Foul liquids and gases covered him as he ravaged everything in his downward path. Suddenly, for a second, he felt like he’d stopped moving, and was floating in something thicker than gas, but thinner than liquid, something that was getting hotter and hotter. He couldn’t breathe. Then, he felt himself going back up quickly, being pushed up forcefully by a flood of hot liquid and gas. He saw light again, and he was sure his heart had stopped beating, and time slowed down. He couldn’t scream; all he could do was hold on to his only help, the Blade of Bengushi. He rocketed out of the mouth of the monster, clothed in fluids that had no business outside of the creature. He flew even over Mike, whose eyes and mouth had never been wider. There was a stifled splash as he landed into the sludge. It barely rippled. The monster of the swamp made yet another screeching cry, toppling backwards. It landed into the river of green, and slowly and silently went under. “Kyle!” Mike called out. He saw a triumphant blade jut out from the river of green. The Ionide laughed in relief and excitement. Kyle Bengushi rose from under the swamp a new man, a man who would be read about in legends.
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Canary word: Present
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Hey. Wisegirl22 is here to help Team Plasma. Go us! But Team Aqua is beating us by 8,000.
Okay, first thing on. Never, ever put like in stories. Just plain bad.
"You all look like tired and hungry!"
Okay? NEVER.
And here, "frighten" is "frightens".
"Don’t tell me the name of the place frighten you girls"
And "sceptical" is "skeptical".
"Sceptical"
And you need not capitalize "Who's".
"So… Who’s first?"
And in the end, I though all the heroes had died going in...why did Kyle survive?
Overall, this was good, so I love you!
-wisegirl22
Thanks for reviewing!
Hey, all for the team and you.
Hello.
I feel like I'm going to end up telling you the same advice over again from the last review I just gave you, so do bare with me.
You use shorthand for emotions (again), but you add on extra this time: shortening physical descriptions with words such as "gorgeous." The thing about nebulous concepts such as "gorgeous" is everybody sees them differently, and as a result you can actually tell a lot about a person by who and what, exactly, they consider gorgeous.
The principles remain the same: you end up hamstringing any characterization you could get out of turning these words into general broad concepts that everybody has different ideas about to turning them into what these characters see and feel. Is gorgeous blond and waif-like? How about a curvy redhead? Or are these girls plus sized and that's what these guys find attractive? I currently can't tell because you haven't told us.
There's also something I haven't brought up yet: double punctuation. It's frowned upon in literary circles, because you really only need one or the other. If the context and words themselves don't say how a word was spoken, then you could use to improve the context and words. Had you described the girls as bouncing everywhere, or putting a hand on their waist and posing, or even having a huge smile, you would not have needed the exclamation point at "Aren't we just the prettiest girls you've ever seen?"
Also, split up dialogue so it's one person speaking per new paragraph, even when it's almost identical people speaking at the same time. Especially then, actually. It's in general easier to read.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey
Thanks for your review and your good advice.
Hi there! I'm here to save your work from the green room!
You should say something more like this: "Mike hissed, then trudged toward the gooey substance." Trudged gives a feeling of reluctance and or annoyance as well, which was missing from the example. Try omitting all of your adverbs and changing your verbs to make your chapter less wordy and more descriptive.One nitpick first, before I forget it.
"Sceptical" is spelled "skeptical."
Now that I've got that out of my system...
I haven't read what's coming up to this, but that doesn't mean I can't look at your writing style and the scenes within the chapter and tell you what I think.
The scene with the three sisters is completely unneeded. The suggestiveness in the scene was too thick, and I found myself getting annoyed not only with the blatancy of the advances, but the reactions of Clover. Clover is not their mother, I'm assuming, and men are not going to be super attracted to everyone they see. I find it unrealistic that all of the boys were drooling over these women, and Clover had to be the voice of reason. The only purpose that I saw in the scene was that the girls warned them about the monster. That could have been done by the merchant they save. The scene with the girls takes up time and space in this chapter that could be otherwise used for slowing the pace down.
Which brings me to the pace. It moved very quickly. I can understand that in the battle, but I felt like I was missing a lot. When I read, I want to be immersed in the world, but I couldn't be because it felt very rushed. There is a lot of dialogue, but the dialogue only furthers the plot, and I don't really get a feel for any of the characters. In a novel, it is good to allow every chapter to be able to stand alone, even in terms of how real the characters feel. I suggest you try to incorporate more of their reasoning behind their words so readers can understand what they're thinking a little more.
You use a lot of adverbs. Adverbs can help describe, but they become tedious very quickly. Instead of using adverbs to describe, use more vivid verbs. Instead of saying,
There are a lot of exclamation points here. They should be used sparingly. I understand that there is an action scene, but not all shouted statements must have an exclamation point. Try taking out all of them except for the ones that highlight the most excitement.
"Blasted" is a strange word for you to use so casually in place of "yelled" so many times. It was so out of the ordinary that it took me out of the world of the novel. Vocabulary doesn't always have to be rare and cool. In fact, William G. Tapply, a rather well known mystery novelist, said this: I think that is a good rule of thumb, though certainly I would use a bit more variety. Perhaps you should see how it feels when that statement is implemented in your writing.
Another rule of thumb: one adjective per noun. If you have two, that's pushing it sometimes, but a lot of your nouns have more than one adjective describing them. Some of them are all right, but you should try to make a conscious effort not to use quite as many adjectives. It makes your piece wordy and takes the reader out of the world if there are too many descriptors attached to one thing.
How old are these people? There are beautiful women hitting on them, but then they're called children? -_- I'm confused.
Lastly, be sure in your writing. Don't say that the girl is the "seemingly" eldest. Either she is, or she isn't, and you're the only one that can tell us because you wrote it. Don't be afraid to make things concrete and as they are because you are the master of this world and you call the shots.
I hope this review proves helpful to you! Happy review day!
Thanks for the detailed review!