The Age of Darkness - Prologue

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Jhessail raised her head as Chase came through the battered wooden front door, his vivid dark wine-red hair windblown and messy. He was grinning broadly, and he held a sheaf of papers in his hands.

“Jhess, you’ll never guess what just happened,” he said, dashing across the room and tossing the papers down on the small wooden table next to her.

“What?” she said, smiling at him.

“He’s letting us go.”

“What?” she asked, astonished. “You convinced the king to give us a ship, an army, and his protection?”

“Indeed I did!” He swept her out of the chair and kissed her. “We’re on our way to greatness, my love!” She laughed and kissed him again.

“It’s happening so fast,” she said happily. “We thought it’d take months! It’s been barely two weeks!” She stopped, her laughter fading. “... how exactly did you convince him?”

“My natural charisma and charm, love,” he said, his own smile staying in place. “No magic. He’s always been receptive to me, remember? No need to worry.” She smiled again.

“I was just worried you’d exhaust yourself, trying to get into his thick skull.” He gently squeezed her hand.

“Insulting the king, are we? Not a great career move,” Chase teased.

“Oh no, are you going to report me?” Jhessail asked with mock worry written across her face. “I’d forgotten you were the king’s chief advisor! Please, have mercy on me, oh great lord Chase!”

“Hmm, I’ll have to think about that,” Chase said seriously, although his eyes were alight with laughter. “Can you possibly offer me…” He leaned forward and whispered in her ear. “... a suitable bribe?”

“How’s this for a bribe?” she asked, kissing his cheek.

“I don’t know if that will do, milady,” Chase said, continuing the serious tone. “You could try something else, maybe?” She smiled flirtatiously at him and leaned a little bit closer.

“How about… this?” she asked softly. He grinned, obviously expecting a kiss from her. She reached out and gently tickled his ribs. He yelped and jumped away from her.

“Hey!” he complained. “No fair!” She laughed. “C’mere, you!” He dashed toward her, and, before she could move, had her in his arms. He scooped her off her feet and held her tightly.

“Chase, put me down!” she said, although the words were hard to understand through her laughter. “Chase!”

“That’s it!” he said. “For assaulting the royal advisor, you’ll have to go to prison.”

“Spare me!” she begged.

“No! You shall be dragged off to jail forever!” She playfully tried to push him away, but he only laughed and carried her into their small bedroom. He dumped her onto the bed and sat down on her before she could escape.

“Get off me, you fat oaf!” she complained. “I can’t breathe!”

“Sorry, milady, but prison rules are prison rules,” Chase said. “I have to sit on you, unless you can pay bail.”

“All you have to do is ask for a kiss!” she said. “This is unnecessary!”

“But fun!” Chase said cheerfully. He repositioned himself so he was lying on top of her, his front pressed to hers, his face only a few inches from hers. His vivid violet eyes glittered with mischief. “So, milady, are you going to pay bail?”

“With such a handsome prison guard, how could I refuse?” she teased. He smiled at her and leaned forward. Just before he kissed her, though, they heard a knock at the door. Chase sighed.

“Bail will have to wait,” he said, rolling off her and onto his feet. She took a moment to catch her breath again, then nodded and sat up. Chase strode quickly to the door, black cloak flowing out behind him, and opened it.

“Tomas!” he said delightedly. “You’ll never believe what just happened! Come in!” The giant half-orc standing on the front step grinned and stepped inside.

“Evening, Chase,” he said, his distinctive low, gravelly voice carrying clearly through the small front room and into the bedroom. Jhessail slid off the bed and into the front room, already smiling.

“Tomas!” she exclaimed.

“Evening, Jhess,” he said, stepping over and crushing her in a hug.

“Oy!” Chase protested. “Careful with her! She’s too fragile for you to be smashing her with your orcish klutziness!” Tomas laughed and released Jhessail, who inhaled exaggeratedly.

“What brings you here tonight?” Chase asked.

“Thought I’d stop by and see how yeh were doin’,” Tomas said. “And it seems I was right to do so, judgin’ by the look on your face. What’s got ya all excited now?”

“The king gave us control of a part of the army, and he’s letting us sail for the Kitsune Empire as soon as we get all our supplies together,” Chase said. “I’ve got official papers and everything.” He gestured to the scattered pages on the table.

“You’re still chasin’ that old legend?” Tomas asked. He chuckled. “You’re a crazy one, Chase Hill, that’s for sure.”

“I’m not crazy,” Chase said excitedly. “I’ve been researching this for ages now and I’m sure it actually exists!” He dashed over to the rickety bookcase that stood in the corner. It creaked and swayed under the weight of all the books on it, and protested loudly when Chase began searching through the stacks of heavy tomes. “See here- ‘Is There A Lost Continent?’” He picked up a large, heavy, leatherbound book and opened it to a page somewhere in the middle. “The author makes a great argument for it actually existing. He’s consulted scientists, sailed around the sea himself… this guy has done his research, and he’s convinced that it exists!”

“One book isn’t-”

“I’m not done yet!” Chase returned the book to the shelf and pulled out another one. “This one is more of a legend book, but the legends about the Empire are plausible.”

“Oh great, you’ve gotten him started again,” Jhess groaned, but her blue-green eyes glowed with pride for her husband.

“You believe it too, Jhess!” Chase said.

“I do, but I don’t talk about it every moment of every day,” she retorted. He laughed, too excited to even fake offense.

“All I know is that it sounds like a load o’ bull,” Tomas said, shaking his head.

“You can come too, and I can prove that it exists,” Chase said.

“Me? Go with you?” Tomas laughed. “Right. As if I could just pack up an’ leave with ya to go find a place that may or may not even exist.”

“You could!” Chase insisted. “C’mon, Tomas, leave the forest for once in your life and go on an adventure!”

“Ah, I’m not the adventuring type,” Tomas said cheerfully. “Besides, what would the forest do without its resident druid around?”

“You’re missing out,” Chase said in a sing-song voice. “Chance of a lifetime…”

“Oh, stop it,” Jhessail said, shaking her head at her husband. “Now you’re just being irritating.” Tomas laughed.

“Anyways, I’m happy for ya,” he said. “The king ain’t easy to convince of things, even when you’re his favourite advisor.” He smiled warmly. “I can’t stay long, I’ve got a friend comin’ over soon. I jus’ dropped by to say hello and wish ya a good evening.”

“Good seeing you,” Chase said. Jhessail nodded her agreement. Tomas clapped Chase on the back.

“Don’t go runnin’ off after too many old wives tales, yeah?” he said. Chase laughed.

“I’ll be careful,” he promised. Tomas nodded and strode out the door, closing it with a bang behind him. 

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Riverlight
Review

I see @Stringbean got to this before I did! No fair! XD

What I Like
We're all "curious to see how this goes," according to Stringbean! XD
Really, though, as this is a fanfiction of "The Age of Men," I really am curious to see what's going to happen here. "AoM" obviously did not go the way it was intended-- magic was protected, slavery, evil Necromancers-- but you know all of this, of course!

No grammatical errors! Yay! :D

What I Dislike
There's a distinct lack of detail here. Don't worry, I do the same thing-- if it wasn't for Boss Lady, we'd have no idea what any of the Dragonhearts or Apprentices look like, and then we'd be in big trouble.

There are also some formatting issues, like Stringbean said, but other than that, I see no issues.

Last but not least-- I distinctly remember Chase as being described with "blood red" hair, not "wine red" hair. These are two very different shades. How the HECK do I remember that?? I haven't even looked at AoM in ages XDD

Characters
JHESSSSSS! YESSSS! TOMASSSS! YESSSSSSSSS!

Chase. Oh dear. *hides before a Baby Dark Elf appears*

Setting
I really can't tell where this took place. I know that its somewhere indoors. I know that the climate is likely temperate or tropical. That's about it.

In Summary
Overall, this is a great Prologue to you fanfiction! I'm going to assume that this is the more of a prequel than a fanfiction, so that's going to be exciting to read.

Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!

Thank you!
Yeeeeeeeeeeah, I definitely need to work on some details here XD Did Chase really have blood-red hair? I think I have it written down differently, but maybe I'm just remembering wrong.

Have a great time-of-day too! XD

I'm 99% sure he did.

...wait, maybe that was Lysandra? Someone else?

:)

I checked and I'm right, it's wine-red. Lysandra has either lilac or blonde hair, depending on if she's hiding her demon form.
Maybe Jhess? I know she had her hair dyed red at some point, I think?

...I think I need to go back and read XD

User avatar
Stringbean
Review

Hey Cham! : D

Imma go ahead and review this XD
And I gotta say, I really like this prologue! You've got a lot of strong points here and it definitely creates reader interest and keeps it all the way through! I'm really curious to see where this all goes.

So on to some specifics c:

1.
I love the intro here! Chase's personality comes across strongly right away, within those first two short paragraphs. That makes him and the scene immediately engaging!

2.

“You convinced the king to give us a ship, an army, and his protection?”

I feel like this part here could be stronger. It definitely has some needed info here that kind of works as some exposition/explanation for what's going on in the scene, but it feels a little spoon-fed as it is now.

...I feel like there's a much better way to explain that, but I can't think of what it is XD

I think if you could find some way to work this information in a little more naturally, it'd help make the beginning here go a little smoother.

3.
“It’s happening so fast,” she said happily. “We thought it’d take months! It’s been barely two weeks!” She stopped, her laughter fading. “... how exactly did you convince him?”

“My natural charisma and charm, love,” he said, his own smile staying in place. “No magic. He’s always been receptive to me, remember? No need to worry.” She smiled again.

This bit here is nice because it adds some tension and hints at a clear conflict. It comes early in the scene, which is good. It's also a nice contrast in mood to the excitement and happiness, giving the scene some added dimension.

4.
“The king gave us control of a part of the army, and he’s letting us sail for the Kitsune Empire as soon as we get all our supplies together,” Chase said. “I’ve got official papers and everything.” He gestured to the scattered pages on the table.

“You’re still chasin’ that old legend?” Tomas asked. He chuckled. “You’re a crazy one, Chase Hill, that’s for sure.”

Nice way to drop in a few more hints and a little more mystery about this.

5.
“Oh great, you’ve gotten him started again,” Jhess groaned, but her blue-green eyes glowed with pride for her husband.

Up till now, I don't think you've established clearly that Jhessail isn't human. This might be a good place to drop in her race.

6.
This is just a bit of a technical critique here about formatting dialogue. You have a few places in this where a character speaks, but their action before speaking is in the previous paragraph with another character's dialogue. So for example, if we take the very end of the prologue here...
“Good seeing you,” Chase said. Jhessail nodded her agreement. Tomas clapped Chase on the back.

“Don’t go runnin’ off after too many old wives tales, yeah?” he said. Chase laughed.

“I’ll be careful,” he promised. Tomas nodded and strode out the door, closing it with a bang behind him.

I'm looking here at the bits I have bolded. To cut down on confusion about who's saying and doing what, the general rule is to put character action and their dialogue together, even if the action comes before the dialogue and the new speaker's words aren't exactly what's starting a new paragraph. (That might be a little hard to follow-- hope it makes sense).

Basically, the correct way to format this portion would be like this...
“Good seeing you,” Chase said. Jhessail nodded her agreement.

Tomas clapped Chase on the back. “Don’t go runnin’ off after too many old wives tales, yeah?” he said.

Chase laughed. “I’ll be careful,” he promised.

Tomas nodded and strode out the door, closing it with a bang behind him.


You'll notice too that I added a paragraph break between Chase's last words and Tomas' action. That's more an arbitrary stylistic choice though. I just think it helps with the clarity.

So there you have it, I did yet another long review, sorry XD
This is a great prologue though! c:

-Stringbean

Thank you! I'll keep your suggestions in mind :D



Some people are hourglass shaped, some people are apple shaped, some people are pear shaped, some people are even bean pole shaped, but if we’re not careful we all become banana shaped. This is your gentle posture reminder.
— Ranger