Young Writers Society



Short horror sentences (for people with long hair)

by AceassinOfTheMoon


The spray bottle hissed, then sputtered. There was no detangling spray left.

They leaned over to tie their shoe, and their hair fell over their shoulder onto their foot.

The air was dry, and their sweater was fuzzy.

Their brush lay on the counter, unused since yesterday.

A random stranger walked up to them and started telling her how pretty their hair was, and they waited in horror; they knew what would come next.

The conditioner had run out yesterday.

"My hair will dry before I have to go out later!" they thought.

Chairs.

They took out their failed french braid for the fourth time.

They hadn't cleaned out their brush in almost four days.

"Can I borrow your brush?"

"Can I touch your hair?"

"Can I help you brush your hair?" the person with short hair asked, reaching for the brush.

Babies.

Toddlers.

Nosy old people with no sense of personal space.

They couldn't find their brush.

"Are you ever going to cut it?"


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 605
Reviews: 19

Donate
Sun Jan 15, 2023 7:00 pm
GengarIsBestBoy wrote a review...



As someone with long hair, I can confirm that all of this is very true! I thought all of it was really funny, but I burst out laughing at the “the conditioner had run out yesterday” line and the single-word lines. I think this one: “A random stranger walked up to them and started telling her how pretty their hair was, and they waited in horror; they knew what would come next.” Sound really ominous for some reason; I know when it says “they knew what would come next”, it’s probably talking about people touching their hair, but I like to imagine that bad stuff happens when people compliment their hair, like the mc’s hair having a mind of its own or something. Overall really great, made me laugh




User avatar
43 Reviews


Points: 1485
Reviews: 43

Donate
Sat Oct 01, 2022 9:30 pm
Quillfeather says...



This is so good! I have never related to a work so much. Like WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO TOUCH MY HAIR i think maybe three different girls have told my my hair is soft and asked if they could touch it. I would also like to mention the horrible feeling of not putting your hair up and then nearly choking on your hair when being active. Just me?
(I'm sorry that this was 100% unhelpful but I just had to rant X D




User avatar
50 Reviews


Points: 133
Reviews: 50

Donate
Mon Apr 18, 2022 10:57 am
PaigeFantasy says...



hi! omg, this is like so relatable as someone with long hair that’s hard to deal with. except without the drying part, i have oily hair.
i like how these are short ‘horror’ sentences. so horrifying! lol.
good job! i like the humor and such. it was a nice change from what i usually read. heh…:)




User avatar
60 Reviews


Points: 3296
Reviews: 60

Donate
Tue Mar 08, 2022 3:42 pm
PoetryMisfit wrote a review...



Hi AceassinoftheMoon, I thought I'd leave a quick review.

This was a fun piece to read, and the short sentences even gave the story a bit of a rhythm. The question forming in my head as I read through each sentence was: and then what happened?
The trials of having long hair seemed endless for this poor protagonist, who exeprienced one hardship after another. But conflict as we know drives stories, and I think you captured this conflict really well. There was one point that confused me and I had to read it over several times to understand it:
"A random stranger walked up to them and started telling her how pretty their hair was, and they waited in horror; they knew what would come next."
Here you address the protagonist as "her" but at every other point she is addressed as "them". To maintain consistency, I would recommend changing the "her" in this sentence to a "them".
The last line feels like the final straw. After all that happens with the battle with detanglement and the ensuing desire for others to brush her hair, this final question is thrown into the mix.
All in all, I really enjoyed this story. The use of both satirical tone and short sentences makes it a fun read.

Keep on writing!
- Poetry Misfit




User avatar
1232 Reviews


Points: 119938
Reviews: 1232

Donate
Thu Mar 03, 2022 7:05 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi AceassinOfTheMoon,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

I'm coming back to give a short review of this, because the thought of it has once again confirmed me not to let my hair grow.

What struck me positively was how the story here feels like a real story. Every sentence is a beginning and an end and every paragraph brings you deeper into the story. It feels like a summary of a day in the life of a person with long hair. This is very well done because with these short sentences it reads as if you can almost insert the time, like sentence 1, 7 am, sentence 2 7:30 am, etc... and yet each sentence can also read individually, which makes it possible to read the sentences individually. So you can actually show each sentence as a single "story" and you would still have the same effect as the whole story. I like this approach, whereby you've managed to actually force a brief creepy moment with each sentence without seeming extreme or with any gory moments. Definitely a big plus.

What I didn't notice so positively was more how the story increasingly reads a bit too fast from the second half onwards, making it seem like you put more thought into opening the story rather than ending it. (I also think you can definitely go on and on).

"Can I borrow your brush?"
"Can I touch your hair?"
"Can I help you brush your hair?" the person with short hair asked, reaching for the brush.

From about this point on, I found that everything came a little too quickly. Also noticeable is the use of even shorter sentences than before. I think it helps to use that point from the first half again, where you sometimes keep two sentences in one paragraph, or create a variety.

Other than that though, I found the story really amusing, over the top in parts but always comprehensible and fun. :D

Have fun writing!

Mailice




User avatar
109 Reviews


Points: 183
Reviews: 109

Donate
Mon Feb 21, 2022 4:57 pm
illy7896 wrote a review...



Firstly, I love the theme of personal space and the need of perfection and control in your own life or at least thats how I have interpreted it. The stress and struggle the person has within keeping their hair organised and tidy emphasises the need to earn others praise or gain a sense of self-worth. I also like the stressful atmosphere reflected by tangled hair, stuffy air and an itchy sweater. Its also relatable in the fact that it reminds me of how it is to have long hair, or to be in a hurry and not have what you need.

Nosy old people with no sense of personal space


and

Babies.Toddlers


Draws light on how the character values privacy and that the curiousity and appreciation that others show the character make them feel vulnerable and anxious.

Then by ending the story on

"Are you ever going to cut it?"


it expresses how the character is always being judged, negatively or positively.

Well done :D




User avatar
518 Reviews


Points: 101
Reviews: 518

Donate
Mon Feb 21, 2022 1:06 pm
vampricone6783 says...



Ha! This poem! (Well,it’s not really a poem,but still) I myself used to have long hair before I cut it.These are real horror sentences.Forget Stephen King and H.P. Lovecraft,this stuff will give anyone with long hair nightmares.I think it’s cute,funny and whimsical.I really have no favorite part,I thought all of it was lovely.I hope you have a wondrous and amazing day and night.




User avatar
518 Reviews


Points: 101
Reviews: 518

Donate
Mon Feb 21, 2022 1:06 pm
vampricone6783 wrote a review...



Ha! This poem! (Well,it’s not really a poem,but still) I myself used to have long hair before I cut it.These are real horror sentences.Forget Stephen King and H.P. Lovecraft,this stuff will give anyone with long hair nightmares.I think it’s cute,funny and whimsical.I really have no favorite part,I thought all of it was lovely.I hope you have a wondrous and amazing day and night.




User avatar
94 Reviews


Points: 983
Reviews: 94

Donate
Thu Feb 17, 2022 6:12 pm
momonster says...



oh my goodness i love this





Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.
— Danish proverb