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Please forgive me, I've got demons in my head

by AceassinOfTheMoon


Please forgive me, I've got demons in my head.

People tell me the demons aren't as bad as I say. "You're letting them control you!" they say. "They aren't that bad! You're making it up for attention!"

Addie and Ziah dig their claws in a little deeper every time they hear that.

When I tell people about Addie and Ziah, how they hurt me, they tell me to just try not to listen. "Don't listen to them! Be happy! If you think positively, they'll go away."

They've taken all my happy thoughts. Ziah feeds on them, spitting them back out as poison that Addie then spreads like a disease until there's nothing left.

Ziah whispers in my ear, telling me how terrifying the world is, how everyone hates me, how everyone judges me, how I'm messing up, how I'm a waste of space and air, how I should just give up. She reminds me of how fragile I am, how easy it would be to draw blood, how easy it would be to give up.

Addie is less subtle, choosing to scream rather than whisper.

She isn't as nice, either. Ziah is only telling the truth, but Addie tells me anything she thinks of.

What if you put your finger in an electric socket? she screams. What if you chewed your fingers until they bled? What if you went a little too far while wrestling with your siblings? What if you threw something across the room?

What if you died?

Sometimes they work in harmony, screaming and whispering at the same time, telling me I'm not enough so I should hit something, telling me I'm worthless so I should distance myself from everyone, telling me I should just... stop.

Addie doesn't stop at screaming in my ear, though. She's in my whole body, in my legs to make them constantly bounce and annoy people (Ziah loves that, she tells me everyone hates me because I'm constantly moving). She's in my chest, squeezing my heart and lungs and filling them with electricity until I feel like I have to burst (Ziah does this too, except when she does it hurts more). She's in my brain, stealing my memories and thoughts and setting fire to my emotions.

Fire. That's a good way to describe what Addie does to me. She sets fire to my skin, making it crawl with energy until I feel like it's going to break through and I'm going to die. She sets fire to my thoughts and memories until they burn up and I can't find them anymore. She sets fire to my emotions, making them burn too brightly and too hot until I burn other people with them.

Full would be another good way. I'm full of energy and emotion and it makes me feel sick and pressured and I need to do something, anything to release the pressure, and sometimes I feel as though knives are the only option~

They aren't, though. Haven't been for almost a year now. Addie and Ziah have given me that much.

Nobody blames the demons, though. They blame me.

"Why can't you sit still? Why can't you be quiet? Why can't you remember? Why can't you pay attention? Why are you so annoying?

It's the demons!

"Don't listen to them, then!" 

I have no thoughts of my own to listen to instead. I have no name. I have nothing of myself. There's only the demons.

Please forgive me, I've got demons in my head.


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Thu Mar 04, 2021 5:24 pm
TheScribe says...



<3







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Thu Mar 04, 2021 5:10 pm
stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Wow

You described how it feels to have emotion and DID in such a grand way.
The emotions are just so crude and real here..
I felt how overwhelmed you feel,
I felt how close to giving up you feel,
I don't know whether you have a mental illness or something else, sometimes we just feel broken really- but I don't really care. And I mean that in the best way possible.

Don't stitch smiles on your face if they hurt you, be real with how you feel.
If you've actually got voices in your head, a method I've read about and that worked for me is to let your demons speak, but without letting anything they say reach you. Then explain to them calmly why they're wrong. Don't tell them to shut up, don't tell them they're wrong and screaming it so loud it ends up drowning out their voices. Be calm with them. They are your insecurities, you shouldn't treat them badly, they're what makes you who you are.
If they begin overwhelming you, if they become too loud, just tell them:
"You've helped me a lot in the past, but now I can do this" or "thank you, but I can do this on my own"
Gradually the voices will disappear,

But if you have anything to talk about, or if you're looking for someone to hear you out, I'm always here, just PM me :)






Thank you for the review! <3



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Thu Mar 04, 2021 1:56 pm
MomoMajesty says...



<3333






<3333



MomoMajesty says...


Cham, are you okay? I'm here for you <3





I'm doing okay now, thank you <3



MomoMajesty says...


Okay <33



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Thu Mar 04, 2021 8:29 am
illy7896 wrote a review...



I really liked reading this, it was very off-beat and the style of it is done in a very creative and simple way, however, the meaning behind the story means much more. I enjoyed the way that you have explained what goes on in your head and the demons that infest inside very clearly and distinctly, and it does have that atmosphere that you are trying to explain to other people.
With the touches of dialogue here and there, you have referred to the outside world, which also conveys that you are communicating inside and outside each time those things happen to you and you express how you feel about other people's views.

Addie and Ziah dig their claws in a little deeper every time they hear that.


This line introduced Addie and Ziah in a self-explanatory way since the audience can gather that they are your demons. The fact that you have also labelled them creates the feeling that you are being controlled by not just thoughts, but by actual people. It backs up the idea that it's not you, it's something else.

However, I think that your word choice could have been selected a little differently on a couple of lines just to avoid repetition:

People tell me the demons aren't as bad as I say. "You're letting them control you!" they say. "They aren't that bad! You're making it up for attention!"


With this line, instead of repeating say, could you put shout or demand or something like that? This is completely up to you, and you've done a great job on this work. And I also hope that you are doing okay.

I enjoyed reading this






Thank you for the review!




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