The Tree. (You Left Me.)

Hey there, Jay, I'm June,


I feel like this poem has a lot of potential to be something bigger than it is currently. I like the use of nature in the opening because it left a decent impression on me. However, because nature is such a common feature in all of our lives, you have the freedom-- no, you have the responsibility of painting that image in a vibrant, fresh way for us to appreciate. Symbols start to become like objects we grow accustomed to in daily life, we don't realize their significance unless they're pointed out to us in some fashion greater than realising that they exist.

That said, I feel delicate about picking about a poem on such a touchy subject, so I will limit my comments strictly to style. I feel that this is a collection of sentences and fragments that are piled together in an eager rush to tell us something, dear. That's not a bad thing; it just means you should harness that eager energy and direct it into letting yourself create something beautiful out of this -- pain, trees, memories can all be beautiful in their own tragic way and you can use allegoric images to show us this. Tell us the branches of the tree grope at the air in despair, tell us that you're wavering like these branches in the wind. Tell us something more than you're telling us here, dear, give us something to hold.

Best,

June

Alright, so this poem is a little ambiguous, and that is part of what I love. I love how we cannot really tell if the speaker is talking about a person or a leaf that fell from the top of the tree, however, I am going to nit pick on some things that don't quite match up. First, you start by watching all of the trees in this poem, and then the speaker moves in on one tree. I would suggest starting with one tree and continuing with just that tree. It will give the poem more of a universal feel to it, because singular trees are in a lot of places, but multiple trees at a time are not always.

Next, the tree that fell? Seriously? I did not see where a tree fell. I saw where you fell, but not a tree. Are we talking to a tree? I missed that memo if that is the case and I would think there would be some cracking and creaking and snapping involved with watching a tree fall. They always complain before they die, like noisy men wishing to cling to life, and sometimes they do even after they die if they didn't need to perish. They just grow out of their stump.

I would also like to mention that in the last line of the first stanza, we don't really need 'to bottom' because we know if something is crashing, it is crashing downward, so it has to start at the top and go down. Same thing if we're thinking about leaves, they always start at the top. If there was a person in the tree, well that is news to me also because although you speak to a you, you never indicate who or what that you is. Personally I love the ability to think of it as a leaf or a person, so good job, but watch wordiness.

Its, honestly, amazing. Its very well writen. Carry on writing!:D

So firstly, i would like to say that I am absolutely obsessed with trees, so this caught my attention instantly. Sadness and trees seem to go well together!

I enjoyed your use of assonance in the first few stanza's. The vowels flowed nicely and brought the imagery to life. But what distracted me was how this technique disappeared in the rest of the poem!

So when your using anything such as rhymes, alliteration, assonance, etc, you can't just abandon the literary device in the middle of the poem. You have to be careful with these devices, because you want them to flow nicely, but make sense as well. if you want to keep the assonance in the first few stanzas, try to continue the technique throughout the rest of the piece!

You were quiet, no one but I was listening.
I heard you scream, cry, and die.
The stars no longer sparkle in your eyes.
There laid my heart ready to wither and die.

This was dull compared to the rest of the poem. It would be nice if you could spice up some of the words. Scream, quiet, and cry are all common words that have lost some value in poetry. You should go to an online thesaurus and see what you could find! Some examples are weep, howl, silent, mute, incoherent. You get it :p Also, on the last stanza, use something else for the word 'die'. It's too dramatic for the context! You could say.. hmm... collapse, or crumble. That would sound interesting c:

All was left alone, untouched and pure.
Forgotten you were left lying alone, waiting for a cure.

I like the idea of this, but it's a bit vague. What was left alone? The birds, the trees? And what does this person need a cure for? I know that sometimes we want to leave the reader with inferences about a piece, but I think you should give some details.

overall, it was rather lovely! i hope i helped you out a bit, and have a great day

ps. keep writing.

-housecat

Awww, that's reall sad, but I love the steady flow to the poem as I read it!! The poem painted the perfect picture in my head to help me enjoy this piece fully which I wouldn't have been able to do it I couldn't see it in my head! Well done there!

"You were quiet, no one but I was listening.
I heard you scream, cry, and die."

That bit almost made me cry, it was soo sad and has soo much emotion in it! I love this poem and hope you carry on writing more things like it! Stay cool!