Hello everyone, again my name is Jay. :D Lol. And well yeah... This is the product of my mind depending on those questions and statements about someone who was supposed to stay in my past. Emotional inspirations for this story were: If I knew by Bruno Mars, Sweet Nothing by Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch, Take it All by Adele and Sparks by Coldplay. <3 Enjoy! Please Critic and Like! Ask questions if needed and I will be happy to answer! Thanks again my lovelies! :D <3
-Jay.xoxo. :)
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I waited for him to answer me.
But nothing came out. Not a word—no—not even breaths short enough to be considered an answer. So I waited some more.
He stood there dumbfounded and clueless to the fact that I know what is going on now. His stance is uneasy and his body is on high alert, his figure standing in front of the wall of our flat, hoping that this isn’t what he thinks it is.
“Nick, please… just please tell me the truth.” I pleaded to him.
In the brown irises of his puppy dog eyes there was fear. At that vital moment his lip quivered and I caught sight of the faintest of water cover over the base film that protected his eyes.
And so I knew it was all true.
“I-I-I Justin, please… babe I-I-I…” He said towards me; his words falling and spilling out in a rush, compiling into nothing more but the utterance of an incomplete emotion. I felt pity for the tears now falling out of his eyes, each one daring the other to roll down the smooth edges of his cheeks, falling down and becoming nothing but a cowards failed emotions.
“Don’t Nick. All I want is the truth… and nothing more than the truth.”
“What do you want me to say, huh? Please tell me what I’ve done wrong!” he cried out to me, begging to have me say something other than what I already know.
“What do you want me to say? What kind of shit question is that!? All I want is the truth!” my voice drawing out the ending of the sentence, faltering into nothing but the words of a broken hearts whimpers. “Why—God Nick!—you just—Ugh!” I yelled out, “You just don’t understand do you?”
“Then help me understand babe, please…” he cried.
You know that moment when you’re mad at someone, and then there comes this moment where they feel they can make everything better by touching you, hugging you, trying to comfort their way out of the shit situation they’ve put themselves into? Yeah I hate it too.
“Don’t touch me.” I stated as I felt his arms begin to engulf my smaller figure. “Nick I said don’t touch me!” I yelled this time.
I shoved his body away from mine; my hands pushed against his strong chest and shoved his larger figure across the room sending him crashing into the wall behind him.
“Justin please… tell me what I’ve done, I’ll fix it; just please… be honest with me…” and this is the exact moment when I lost it.
“Me, be honest? Really?” I scoffed. If looks could kill, he would be damned to hell and then brought back only to be damned again and just repeat the cycle over and over again.
“Nick I have only ever been more honest with you ever since our whole relationship started, and you want me to be honest? Especially coming from the guy who, when he first started dating me, refused to come out and refused to be seen with me in public? Coming from the guy who lied to everyone else about loving me just to keep his damn reputation! Coming from you—my boyfriend—that I’m no longer good enough to have and to love that you had to go behind my back and be with someone else… you know how fucking awful that feels?”
“I’m sorry—” he retaliated.
“NO!” I stammered, now the tears were rolling down my face, paving small wet thin lines across my cheeks.
“Did you know that I had to sit there day after day praying to god that maybe it wasn’t true? That I had to hear this shit from Shannon!? Shannon out of all people, Shannon! That I sat there and defended you saying to them that you’re a great boyfriend that you would cheat on anybody, especially ME! That I believed the reason after every unanswered phone call; every un-replied text message was because you were hung up on school work or practicing for football, or just doing something other than being with her… her, your ex-girlfriend.”
My heart fell from my chest and down into my stomach, just thinking of her and Nick, just-just! UGH! I can’t do this, if only I knew where his heart was.
“Do you know how fearful I was stuck in the dark letting my imagination roam free and bring me demons to fester on my pain and heart ache? Do you!?” my eyes were leaking like crazy, and I knew that I had finally gotten to him, hitting him deep inside of himself.
My lungs began filling with tears, they gasped for air that seemed intangible, and my eyes were burning at the sweet sensation of my own despair and agony free falling from my face.
“Do you know how awful and horrid it feels to know that someone you thought you could trust was lying to you the entire time?”
“Babe—” Nick tried to say but faded.
“I waited for you, I sat there like a fucking idiot waiting for you to come and tell me that you loved me, to tell me that I was the one you chose… to come and tell me that I was somebody.”
In a moment everything can change, the world could be destroyed or the heart that you thought you once belonged to wasn’t even yours to begin with.
“I’m sorry I-I-I just, I don’t know, I’m sorry, please help me, I love you…”
“Don’t lie to me. It’s either me or her. You decided.”
“I-I-I just, I can’t!” He said unknowing on what to expect after that outburst.
But just him not saying me, killed me. I died in my mind over and over for an eternity. I found no life or no light in this place where the stars cannot shine, where the moon and the stars had been blown up and I was left alone in the swelling darkness. Because of what he said I was left alone.
“I really don’t know what hurts worse, the fact that you didn’t choose me or the fact that you’re also in love with her…”
“I don’t love her, I-I-I just love you both… and it’s too difficult to decide and I just don’t want to lose you.”
“Then you better decide fast because I’m tired of being someone’s second best!”
“I’m not what!? I know what it is that I am when it comes to her! I remember the way you used to look at her, how so in love you were with her and how you used me to help you get close to her and then not want her at all and then pretend to be in love with me! Only the problem is you truly never stopped loving her… in fact you started fucking her again and then you started doing it regularly and AGH!”
I screamed out, just the thought of them together killed me, having me “sharing” him with her makes me wish that I was internally bleeding just to relieve the pain from her and him whoring around together caused me.
Had all of it been a lie, or had he just truly had been in love with her or us both? Or did he use me as a rebound and then get to her and then lead me on thinking that she would just blow over.
It gets hard trusting what reality is and what isn’t, because once you start trusting the voices in your head and believe everything they tell you, it manifests and eats away at this heart giving you nothing but sweet nothings to satisfy the heart craving for something real.
“Justin, I-I, please don’t leave me…”
“I’m not the one making that decision Nick, you are… and please be honest and chose, now, it’s either her or me… I can’t wait forever...”
I stood there looking at his tan skin and into his chocolate eyes. Wishing with every ounce in my body that he says who he chooses and hoping that I can run into his arms and claim him as mine; forever and always. But doubt tends to come and knock at the door when you feel most confident about yourself.
Life shows you what reality is and even if we don’t want to see what we want, we just got to live with it, and in this half of a second I saw it in his eyes.
He had decided and everything I had hoped for, sacrificed for, prayed for… disappeared in an instant. All traces of our existent love had burned out; everything from the moment we met to the moment of the present was erased by the memory of her. His ex-girlfriend who he broke up with but never stopped loving. The one who he saw again and felt those old feelings. The one he slept with and kissed over and over for countless nights while preaching how madly in love he was with me.
And those big brown eyes clouded by a rain that now cannot be diminished by my sunlight stayed as they were, his short black hair that I used to run my hands through every morning to wake him up for breakfast became something alien and distant, that charming smile he gave me when he wanted me to know he loved me was now a warning sign to tell me that I was forgotten, and that beautiful body that used to hold, comfort, and love me was no longer mine.
“Her.” That word was all it took and my life fell apart.
I had sacrificed my life to him, I moved to be with him because he was accepted to this college, I left my family and closest friends just to be with him, I gave up my own personal happiness just to see to it that he was happy. And now he was sacrificing something for me, our love.
He had given up—no—I had given up; we had given up.
Both our eyes were glazed over with tears and both we stood staring into the windows of our souls, trying to sum up everything that had just unfolded hoping that this was a nightmare and one of us was going to wake up anytime soon.
He stood there, and he turned grabbed his bag went into our bedroom, unzipped, moved stuff around and zipped up the bag walking toward our front door, sniffling and clutching the air through his lungs, he stopped.
“Goodbye Justin. I’m sorry I’m not the one…If I knew this would happen I would’ve been a better boyfriend to you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to make feel like you were somebody… but no matter what you’ll always be someone to me, I love you… forever and always.”
And with that he left out the front door. I trudged my way up to the door and opened it up just a crack to see him standing there waiting for a reply or something that gave him hope, but no, I couldn’t even if he said he loved me, so I just spoke through the loud tears and the muffled breaths, giving him his life that he’s wasted on a poor soul like me back to him, unleashing my final thoughts and empty words my heart generated me to say.
“Goodbye Nick, I wish you all the happiness in the world with her. I hope she’s the one you were looking for. I will love you for forever and always.”
Hi. Illi here.
As the first story I have read form you and the newest you have posted, i feel like i am cheating by not reading an older one. oh well.
This sounds like real life to me. the conversation was realistic and the body language too. It was emotional and heart retching. you did a great job.
now the issue i have is that the break up was really sudden and i liked the way you put in past experiences and rumors into it the help drive the anger in the girl. with her and her friend talking about the ex.
to me it feels as if this was written as if you wanted this conversation to happen. I truthfully have nothing to criticize. i am bad at grammar so i am not going to nazi your stuff.
thanks
Yea, I didn't give a lot to go off of to like make this conversation between the two more dramatic and more informational to the situation, but I guess it was just an emotional reflex idk but yeah, I know I have some, I mean some as in a lot or few, grammatical errors but I re-read it and know what I need to fix and well idk when I'm actually going to fix it but when I do i'll be sure to do what can be undone.
Thanks again for reading my work and commenting/reviewing.
BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
-Jay.xoxo.
Hey!
Okay I don't know, I'm not into cussing, and really not into gays.
The emotion was good, almost cried, but it fit more for a girl,
some things you spelled wrong, just a little miss, nothing big.
I would have really cried if it were a girl, because I would hate to feel second best, any girl would, boys don't really think like girls.
and just because I said things against gays, that doesn't mean that I hate gays, I'm just not into that kind of thing, I know I lot of people who love that, just for me it makes me feel a little unconfortable.
I really liked the emotions! you do such a good job! I seriously almost cry every time! you're so good at that, keep up the good work!
Hahaha! Oh, no It was for the role of a girl, but then I decided to change it and try something new, because I've never really written something other then heterosexual type of stuff. Lol. But yeah, it was a shot worth taking and I know not a lot of people are into that sort of stuff but it was a risk I was willing to take and I decided to become brave and take one step closer to the who pushing the boundaries thing!
Sorry if it wasn't what you were hoping for but I'm happy you read it and actually said something that about, I'm glad that you criticized my work! Now I can take what I know and learn from it. Thanks again for reading and I'm sorry I made you a bit uncomfortable, thanks and sorry.
byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
-Jay.xoxo.