As my son David and I walked into the house, I heard a loud clanking noise in the kitchen. I rushed over to see what had happened. My wife had dropped and shattered a plate while doing the dishes. While I grabbed the broom to sweep up the mess, David ran up to her happily. “Look mommy!” he exclaimed, “Daddy and I won a big teddy bear at the carnival!” She grimaced at his very sight and yelled at him to get out of her face. She was in one of her moods again. Ever since David was born three years ago, she had changed. She was now detached and angry all the time. It was as if having David was the worst thing to happen to her. She was no longer the same happy go lucky woman I had married. I quickly finished sweeping and grabbed David. As I grabbed him, he looked up to me and asked if his mommy was angry at him. I tell him no. I gave him a reassuring smile and put him in bed.
The following morning I made David his favorite breakfast, waffles. As David and I ate breakfast, my wife sat like a rock in front of the TV. David tried to get her attention, but she wouldn’t budge. Once he finished his meal, he went up to her and attempted to cuddle with her. She quickly got off the sofa dropping David on the floor. David begins to cry while she walks out of the room. I grabbed my son and tried my best to comfort him. As I sat there holding him, all I could think about was wanting peace. All I wanted was things to be like they were before. Why couldn’t my wife love our child?
Later that day, while I was in the home office working, David ran up to me to tell me that he wanted to buy his mommy a present. He said that maybe if he bought her something nice, she will love him. I looked at him and tried to explain that you can’t buy someone’s affection, but I couldn’t say no to his excited big brown eyes. I looked for my wife to tell her that I was going to the store. I found her in the kitchen preparing dinner. I asked her if she needed anything, she coldly responded no.
When we got back home from the store, my wife was sitting at the dining room table. I tell David to give her the present we got for her while I served dinner. I bought a bouquet of her favorite flowers, cala lilies. I hoped that she would at least thank him for that. When I got back to the dining room from the kitchen, I see David sitting sadly in chair far from my wife. It was apparent that she received the gift in the same cold demeanor that she always met him with. That night was one of the quietest and heart-wrenching.
When morning came, I cheerfully went over to wake up David. I called him several times, but he didn’t move. I went up to him and shook him, still no response. I quickly ran to grab my phone and called an ambulance. My wife, who had already been up, came out of the kitchen and watched the paramedics as they took David away. When my wife and I arrived at the hospital, the doctor looked at me solemnly as he approached us. David was dead. The doctor said that he was poisoned. They had found large amounts of cala lilies in system. He explained that cala lilies are poisonous and cause death when ingested. There was no reaction from my wife while the doctor talked to us. She only looked past the doctor with numb expression. The police soon arrived to question me as the doctor spoke. I told them that I had bought cala lilies for my wife the previous night. That fact and the neighbors’ statements of my wife’s treatment of David was enough evidence to arrest her. As the police hauled her away, I did my best to stop a smile from creeping onto my face. My plan had worked. I knew that everyone would point the finger at my wife if something ever happened to David. I loved them both very much, but I was no longer able to live the way we were living. Now with both of them gone, I was able to move on with my life and live freely and peacefully.
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137,562 Literary Works • 672,043 Reviews
Okay, NOPE! That...that got me right there. If it weren't for the fact that I've seen families like that before on television and in books, I'd have probably been hit by that twist ending a little bit harder. That's not to say it didn't affect me at all, rather, it just kind of nullified or cushioned the blow a bit. But that's only due to personal experience, not due to you, so I won't hold it over your head. For a few moments, I began to wonder exactly why the wife hated her son, too, but I suppose that for the sake of a short story's signature brevity, you din't really provide a reason. I guess I could say I wish the mom character had a little more to her than aloofness and general displeasure with life, but then again, I'm not at all too familiar with the genre of suspense or mystery, so I'm not sure if holding back on something like that is a necessity. Other than that, great work! Good descriptions, good development, and good plot idea! If you add a "dark past" element to it, I'm sure it's make a great...erm..."relatively-short story."...Yeah, that joke was bad.
(Accidentally forgot to post as review. Sry for ditto.)
Twist ending! I love it!
loved it!
WOW! the end was nothing I expected.... Good job person! Keep it up and I look forward to read more of it works!
WOW! the end was nothing I expected.... Good job person! Keep it up and I look forward to read more of it works!
Oh DANG
HOLY GUACAMOLE.
Dear Korean Jesus, I need assistance because your story just blew my brain away. DAMN.
All right, I have a lot of things I want to say, but that ending...wow.
Anyway, why don't I begin slow? Story-wise, I thought the plot was hooking right from the start. Before, I didn't really enjoy things that had to do with older people--and I mean thirties or old twenties and such--but, as I've read more and more and I began experimenting with it myself, I realized I do like them. Yours, though, gave me an awesome aftertaste--if that makes any sense whatsoever.
The way you lead the reader into this whole bunch of expectations and theories of the story's resolution that ends up being just the opposite was marvelous and you should be proud of those skills.
Now, for the more specific part--feedback--I did notice a couple of things. (Nothing to worry about, just details that slip past all of us and it's only a matter of patience and constant revision)
First of all, I can see there's a mixed verb tense usage throughout the story. Specifically, past and present. I do think you should look out the most for these types of mistakes, because it may lead to confusion. Then again, it's a perfectly normal thing that slips by the best of us and it is nothing major you should crack your head over. Just go over it a couple more times and make sure you choose which verb tense you'd like to use the most.
Another thing I saw was how it sounded all a bit too calm. I've never liked it when people use the term 'robotic'. For instance, "Henry woke up. Henry took a bowl of cereal and he ate the cereal. Henry washed the bowl when he was done with his breakfast. Henry enjoyed cereal in the mornings." Like, we get it. The dude's name is Henry and he loves to eat his bloody cereal! Haha, I'm not saying yours sounds like that. (No!!!) It's an extreme case and I used it for the purpose of a better explanation, but what I'm trying to say is try to add a bit more detail here and there. Perhaps corporeal reactions. Does the mother respond coldly? Yes, but how coldly? Do her hand fist? Does her lower lip quiver as the hatred and resentment eat her body? Show me more. Paint an image on the reader's head that they cannot get rid of. Make them FEEL. It's super important to keep that in mind. Still, if you like it the way it is, trust me, there is absolutely no problem at all.
Remember, this is your story.
Another thing, and I believe this is the last of my observations, was that I noticed some repetition in this specific line, which can easily be avoided or simplified: "As I grabbed him, he looked up to me and asked if his mommy was angry at him. I tell him no. I gave him a reassuring smile and put him in bed." You see all the "him"s? I think you can simplify this into an easier sentence to read, but, again, I'm just going picky and into specific details for you to have a full image on what you could correct if you so wish.
I guess those are all the "corrections" I thought about pointing out. Overall, I absolutely lover the plot and I was left with my mouth wide open. That ending was unexpected, and I really, really enjoyed it.
You're a talented writer and you should keep on improving each and every day!!
Congratulations!
Sincerely, Writer1204! <3
Hello writer 1204, thank you for the compliments and review. I agree with the things that you brought up and intend to improve on them in my future work. Verb tense has been something that I've had trouble with and I'm glad you brought it up as I had not noticed. After rereading the story, i see what you mean about the 'robotic' tone. I rushed to write down the story that i did not realize the lack of detail and feeling. Again, thank you for the compliments and constructive criticism. I'm glad that you enjoyed the story.
Hello there! :3 I'll just jump right into the review.
The first thing that was off to me was that David is only three years old and yet he acted like a small toddler, understanding that he was being neglected by his mother and even thinking about her. A three year old would not have these considerations and wouldn't be developed enough to think these thoughts. So, that doesn't make sense.
Next was that this was going on for quite a while and it seems like such a drastic and unrealistic plan to better things. If it was really that bad that he would want to murder his own son than why wouldn't he consider something more ideal like say divorce? Or moving out with David? Then he wouldn't have to live like that and not have to murder anyone.
Speaking of murder, the death of David is extremely downplayed. I mean, it seems like the father would have had to violently shove the flowers down his own son's throat. That seems like the only way, and if that were the case, how wouldn't the wife have noticed this happening and called the police? Sure she may not like the son, but she's extremely terrified of her husband suddenly murdering their child.
Also, why isn't the dad more upset about this? I mean, he's mentioned to be almost smiling but then goes to the next sentence to say he loves them both. If he could go through with framing his wife for murder he obviously does not love them.
Not to mention, much of the piece is extremely telling rather than showing. It's kind of drab and doesn't have any emotion in the narration, so when David died, I didn't feel anything for him. Because obviously the dad didn't feel anything for him. Try to put a lot more emotion and thoughts in the narration, rather than just telling us everything that happened. That's boring!
Overall the plot of this could use some work. It seems extreme and unrealistic and I didn't feel anything while reading this :/ I apologize if I appear blunt or harsh, and if you'd like further explanation, please feel free to ask!
Happy writing,
~ Wolfe
Hello spiritedwolf, don't apologize for being blunt. The whole point of this place is to get constructive criticism. I do appreciate your critic, it will help me become a better writer. I should have gone through the story before posting it. I haven't been able to really focus on my writing as I've been busy, not that that's much of an excuse. I just got a bit carried away when I got the idea for the story and typed away. Again, thank you for the review. I appreciate your help. : )