As I walked home from school, I couldn’t help but smile from excitement. Today was finally the day that I’ve been waiting for all month. My parents have a special guest coming over tonight. My father, a well to-do respected member of our town always invites a new person for dinner at the end of every month. This month is significant for me as I am finally allowed to help out with the dinner preparations, because I have just turned thirteen.
The people from the small town where I live have always looked up to our family. My great, great, great grandfather helped establish this town. He, along with members of my family has always given back to our town. One of the charitable things that we have always done is a raffle. The winner of the raffle gets to have dinner at my home where a business prospect is discussed. The guests are given an opportunity to make money for their family. This is a great deal for members of my community, because my town is small and isolated. The only job opportunities are in town and even then, they are very low wage.
As I reached the porch of my house, I saw my parents pull into the driveway. They had just gotten home from the grocery store. I happily run towards their car to help them with the grocery bags. Once we were in the kitchen, my mom and I begin to prepare dinner while my dad sets the table. My mouth watered as we cooked. The smell of creamy mushroom gravy and roasted potatoes wafted through the house. But they weren’t as enticing as the smell of the peach cobbler pie that my mom had put in the oven earlier. Once I finished helping my mom cook, I ran upstairs to get ready.
I wash up and put on my favorite blue satin dress. Once I have my dress on, I tie my hair up in a ponytail with a red ribbon. My mom says it is important to keep my hair out of the way so it doesn’t interfere with dinner. As I walk downstairs, I could hear my father talking with another man. Our special guest has arrived. I walk into the living room and introduce myself. After my introduction, my dad tells the man about the business opportunity. He tells the man that if he agrees, his family will receive ten thousand dollars for his service. As always, like all past dinner guests, the man agrees to the terms. My father smiles and turns toward me handing me a small wooden box. I open the box and grab the small glistening knife. I look at my parents who smile and nod at me. I take the knife in my right hand slash the man’s throat ear to ear. Now that the man was dead, the main course can be prepared.
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AMG, i must say your stories are really exciting.I think,we got same taste.
I liked 'morality' too.But i didn't review it because that was my first day in YWS.
NOW MY REVIEW
"Today was finally the day that I’ve been waiting for all month."
I think "for whole month" is better.
"because I have just turned thirteen."
just turned thirteen?? *i have turned thirteen today*
"The people from the small town where I live have always looked up to our family."
Comma before and after "where i live" is required
" I happily run towards their car to help them with the grocery bags."
*I ran happily*
' my mom and I begin to prepare dinner while my dad sets the table.'
*began* *set*
"Once I finished helping my mom cook"
*cooking*
" I tie my hair up in a ponytail with a red ribbon."
*tied*
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See,when you choose to write in past sentence,always keep that in mind.2nd form of verb is generally used.And switching from past to present sentences doesn't really make sense.
its just grammar,may be i'm not that right,may be i am.
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Now for your stories
Always try to create a sense in the mind of reader,so they will be able to accept your conclusion of story.You did that in 'morality',here it is absent,may be it is too short.
Hello Mr.Brainwasher, thank you for the review. I appreciate the input and the compliment.
Well, the ending definitely came as a surprise.
The death wasn't overly detailed, however. I didn't even know who the dinner guest was, and therefore I hardly cared about his character's demise. Though, you did a good job at leading me on to believe that this was a well-meaning family and then quickly throwing it out the window. I actually forgot that this was a horror story, so I was actually a little shocked at the end of it.
But, why would people keep going over for these "dinners" if people kept disappearing? Oh, well. It's relatively well written, with few errors when it comes to spelling and punctuation.
@AMG , i would say that it was a nice short story. It was truly surprising to get a awesome twist at the end . But guess what , as Swarx said and i would quote " why would people keep going over for these "dinners" if people kept disappearing?"
Well reading that for second and third time made me realize that something could be missing , i guess you could have elaborated the death a bit more in the end . That could make it a little more horrifying. You have a few errors of words here and there , but overall you did a great job . I feel you totally nailed it. I am hoping to read more of your works in the future.
Thank you for the review DeathPrince. I'm sorry, if the reason why they kept going over wasn't clear. Like I had told Swarx earlier, I wrote this rather quickly and didn't have time to flesh it out.
[Sorry, I forgot to submit this as a review. I reposted it.]
Hello Swarx, thank you for the review. This was a short story that I wrote in about 15 minutes to pass the time during my break at work, which is why it isn't fully fleshed out. I did try to add some detail regarding as to why people kept going over, but again since I didn't have time to write details, I could see why that wouldn't stand out. I had written that the town was poor and that people kept going over for the "business" opportunity.
oops, I accidently posted without finishing my thought. As I was saying, people went over for the business opportunity in hopes of obtaining money for their family.