Violence

Diminishing of Sanity: Chapters 2-3

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Chapter 2

Even after all of the excitement, my siblings still fell asleep. I had put together blankets and pillows and they had made themselves comfortable around the cave. The previously unoccupied close left corner was now filled by my sister and my brothers slept near my books.

It was cold so I went outside and grabbed some logs, sticks, and tree bark. I then started a fire in the fire pit. I was experienced at this and I knew I would not let the fire burn down the cave. Suddenly I remembered, the pets! I looked around, terrified. Luckily, they were all still there but I figured I should probably block the exit so I went back outside and got some dead branches off of the forest floor and sealed the entrance. I also had to figure out a way to keep the pets away from the fire, not that any of them were that stupid, but still. I was about to stand up when I realized how exhausted I was so I just placed large rocks around the fire pit and then grabbed a blanket and a pillow and fell asleep in the rocking chair.

I was awaken by brothers who were quarreling over which of them had kicked the other in the night. My sister had remarkably slept through it.

"Jack! Gage! Stop arguing."

I didn't go outside to check the condition of the neighborhood yet because I already knew what I would find. Ashes. That's all that would be left.

I got some granola bars out and gave them to my brothers. Then I started another fire, for the other had died out during the night. I didn't want to go outside yet. I already knew that once I was out of the forest all I would see was ashes.

"Sisi?"

My sister, who's name is Addison, had waken up.

"Yes, Addy?"

"Where are we?"

"A safe place." I replied.

She said no more, no more questions, nothing at all. I was surprised because she is usually a very curious kid. I didn't bother her though. I didn't want to go into details yet. I didn't even understand exactly what had happened last night. I just know that a fight began and there were murders in the other houses and when I saw all of the houses going up in flame I just knew I had to get us out of there. I didn't know what to do yet, now that we had no home. I thought about getting help from an adult but I had heard about the foster homes for kids without families. I knew that they sometimes separated kids from their siblings. I wouldn't let that happen to us. Our parents were on vacation in Paris and our Uncle was supposed to take care of us but he was one of the people in the fight and I knew, somehow, that he had passed in the brawl. It was up to me now to keep us alive. I convinced myself I would not tell any adults. I didn't need their help. I admit I was a little scared. Actually, no kidding, I was terrified but I wasn't going to let my siblings find out. I had to be brave... for them. Deciding to camp out here, at least for the day, I started to organize the bedding and necessities. I then went outside to look for wood so that we had enough for the day. It had rained two days before and most of the wood wasn't very dry so I had to go really deep into the forest to find some dry sticks and such. I heard a noise up ahead at one point that sounded like voices and I decided to turn another way. By the time I got back to the underground cave my arms were loaded with lumber. I put it all next to the fire. I handed my sister a granola bar and she took it greedily. Jack was looking at the front covers of my books and Gage was sitting by the fire. No one asked what had happened last night... I guess they were all too scared. I started to read a book that I hadn't read in awhile to try to get my mind off of what was going to happen to us. After about an hour I suddenly heard voices outside. I almost jumped out of my skin in terror.

"Shhh!" I put my finger to my lips and my siblings were silent, rigid with fear, eyes wide open. Staring at me as if to say, "what are we going to do?!"

Curiously, the voices sounded to be young. I guessed probably around 13-15 years of age. Around my age. I could make out 3 different voices. I cautiously crawled to the opening and peered out. There were 4 boys and as I had estimated they looked to be about 13 years of age, although one looked slightly older. I had seen two of them playing basketball at a house in my neighborhood but I didn't know them. They were talking about what they were going to eat and where they were going to go. It sounded like they were in the same boat as we were in! I was in the middle of deciding whether to approach them or not when Gage sneezed!

Chapter 3

The boys jumped and looked around wildly, probably still skittish from the fight. I held my breath and hoped that my siblings would too.

"Shhh!" Said the older one when one of the boys opened his mouth to say something.

"Someone's here." He continued. "I know it. Search around boys."

And they started to search. A couple times they came really close to finding us. Then the oldest boy, who seemed as if he was their 'leader' stopped right in front of us. Bent down. He began pulling away the coverage I had put together. I panicked. I just kind of stood there paralyzed in fear. I moved toward the back of the cave along with my siblings.

"Hey guys! I think I found something! Come here!" And they came rushing over. Then I did something stupid but I guess it could also be courageous... I dashed out of the cave and started running hoping they would follow me. One of them started to when the older one stopped him.

"You idiot. She's obviously hiding something. Tristan, Carson, go in the cave." They did as they were told.

I stopped and screamed, "No!"

Then the oldest said to the other, "Get her, Liam!" Liam started to give chase but tripped clumsily on a log and fell on his face.

"Fool! I'll just have to get her myself." That's when I sprinted. I knew I was a fast runner, for I had gotten medals in almost every track and cross-country meet I had ever been to but I wasn't sure I could beat him. He was buff. He had much muscle and he was tall. It was not long before I could hear him only feet behind me. Then, wham! I was tackled to the ground. I struggled with all of my might but knew it would not be enough. His strength was incredible. He held me, pinned to the ground; I couldn't move at all. 

"What's your name? Who are you?" He yelled in my ear. I obstinately yelled, "None of your business! Now lemme' go!"

"Hey! Bryce! We found three little kids in here."

"Are those your friends? Or siblings?" He said to me. Then he continued to his friend, "Bring me some of my dad's old handcuffs."

Before I knew it I had been handcuffed to a nearby tree.

Have you ever been roughly pushed around by a guy. It's awkward, I can tell you that for sure. Especially getting tackled by one. Now that I couldn't go anywhere they asked me again who I was and what my name was. I arrogantly ignored them. Then I asked, "Who are you? How old are you? I'll tell you my name if you all tell me yours."

"Fine." The oldest said, "I'm Bryce and I'm fifteen." Then pointing towards the two I presumed to be the youngest, he said, "That's Liam and Tristan. They are thirteen. And that Carson. He's fourteen. And how about you?"

I sighed and said, "I'm Esmeralda and I'm thirteen. I'll be fourteen in two weeks. I'd appreciate it if you would let me free..."

"We can't let you go until we know we can trust you."

"Why on earth would I not be trustworthy? Is it because of last night? I'm fleeing from that too!"

"Are these your siblings or your friends?" Carson said and surprisingly I found myself blushing.

"They are my siblings. That's Addison and they are Jack and Gage."

The three of them were being held by the Tristan and Liam. "Let them go or I'll kill you!"

Carson stepped forward and crooned, "Ooh! A feisty little girl are you? Challenging us as if you were our leader? Bryce is the oldest so he's in charge. By the way, your little 'not so secret' cave is quite impressive and I helped myself to some of the food in there. Thank You!"

I was so angry I could feel my face going red. Suddenly a gunshot fired and the fear from the previous night came back in a flash. "Liam, Tristan come with me. Let's go see what that's about. Carson, stay here." Bryce said. Carson smiled. As much as hated these boys right now I couldn't help noticing how good looking they were. Especially Carson. They all had that type of hair that isn't long but is long enough to flip around. Bryce had blonde hair and was very muscular, Tristan had brown hair, Liam looked Mexican with medium skin and black hair, and then there's Carson. Carson was also muscular and had brown hair. His eyes were sea green and his smile was gorgeous. I'm obsessing over him aren't I? Oops. I handcuffed to a tree and I can think about is boys! Omg! I need to get control of myself. Carson tied the three kids to another tree and sat down on the dry ground.

Stupidly I said, "I hate you."

He just kind of looked at me, laughed, shook his head, and then began playing with the dirt.

Comments & reviews · 2
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Snazzy
Review
Snazzy wrote a review · Sat Sep 10, 2016 2:53 am

Hello!
Snazzy here for a review! :D First off, I do like the idea. I don't know - I've always liked the idea of traveling to escape something, and a lot of weight being placed on the eldest sibling's shoulders. It's not terribly original, but if you put your own unique spin on it, this can really be amazing! Anyway, let's dive right in, shall we?

Luckily, they were all still there but I figured I should probably block the exit so I went back outside and got some dead branches off of the forest floor and sealed the entrance.


This is an example of a run-on sentence. More than one idea is being joined together without the proper punctuation (which makes it seem like you're running out of breath when reading it). I would've written it something like this - "Luckily, they were all still there. Figuring I should block the exit anyway, I retrieved some dead branches from the forest floor and sealed the entrance." Or something that divides it up into easily readable sections.

I didn't go outside to check the condition of the neighborhood yet because I already knew what I would find. Ashes. That's all that would be left.

I got some granola bars out and gave them to my brothers. Then I started another fire, for the other had died out during the night. I didn't want to go outside yet. I already knew that once I was out of the forest all I would see was ashes.


This is an example of you repeating something that your MC is thinking - you already mentioned knowing that you'd see only ashes outside the cave, so it isn't needed at all in that second paragraph.

Also, you have a thing with telling and not showing - it kind of reminds me of a play-by-play or some type of directions to completing something. (First, ....., Then...., etc.) Instead of just giving us the information, SHOW us the information! I know, I know, easier said than done. Just try it! Let us actually be there in that cave, or wherever you're writing your story at.

I was in the middle of deciding whether to approach them or not when Gage sneezed!


Alright, so since this is the last sentence of your chapter, it needs to be AMAZING! Which, it's half-way amazing, I think. I would've liked a better approach to the suspense though. Maybe - "I was in the middle of deciding whether to approach them or not, when I heard a sharp intake of breath behind me. Gage was holding his nose, struggling not to let it out. I watched in horror as his eyes widened. Then, he sneezed." Or something similar to that. Draw it out a bit - it's okay to do that, as long as you're not repetitive!

Then I did something stupid but I guess it could also be courageous...


I know you hear about flow a lot in poems, but I like when everything rolls off my tongue easily, and I'm not stumbling over sentences in all works. I like this sentence, I just think it needs reworded - "Then, I did something which in the spur of the moment felt courageous, but in reality was really stupid." Or something like that.

That's when I sprinted.


This seems odd for the MC to do - as just one chapter ago she was talking about how she would keep her siblings safe no matter what they had to do.

Omg!


This is one of my pet peeves as a reader - I don't like text form, unless it's actually in a texting conversation. I find it very distracting. Easily fixed though - just spell it out.

One last thing - I notice the MC thinks to herself a lot. That's fine - it gives us a lot of insight on what she's feeling! Although, I'm having a hard time distinguishing her thoughts and her actions. Maybe separate them into different paragraphs, or at least italicize thoughts? I don't know - it just makes it a little hard to understand.

Also, I agree with AlyTheBookworm - this is very fast-paced. You don't have to stay on one scene forever, but I really think you have some elbow-room to elaborate a bit. ;)

Anyway, good luck with this! Keep writing!

~Snazzy
Happy RevMo!

Hi, AlyTheBookworm here with a review!

This wasn't bad and I hope this review isn't too harsh (because I hate being mean...), but Diminishing of Sanity is in need of some improvement. I'll just let you know, in a list, all the things I noticed that could be better. I'm not going to go over everything (not going over any typos), just the things that stuck out the most.

1. Keep in mind that problems are a lot more interesting than the solutions. You say that Esmerelda has granola bars and is able to find wood and make a fire by herself. This is too unrealistic. What if Esmerelda and her siblings don't have any food? What if they can't find wood? What if they don't know how to make a fire and don't have any blankets? Suddenly the struggle and the whole problem itself seem so much more real. Readers don't want to read about a problem that can easily be solved.

2. Things are moving a little too quickly for my liking. I know pretty much nothing about Esmerelda and her siblings, so it's a bad idea to introduce a bunch of new characters (the group of boys) now. You should spend some more time on the siblings and on the kind of person our main character is. Don't be afraid to scrap some characters too. Are the two brothers necessary? What if Esmerelda only had a younger sister to look after? If she only has one sibling you can spend a lot more time writing about their relationship instead of Esmerelda's relationships with all three of her siblings. You don't want to have characters that don't give anything to the story.

3. It's pretty unrealistic that Esmerelda is thinking about how cute the boys who captured her are and the whole paragraph describing their looks isn't necessary at all. Some questions to ask: Why did the boys handcuff her? Why do they have handcuffs lying around in the first place? What do the boys plan on doing to Esmerelda if she doesn't tell them anything? Where are all the adults and the boys' parents? Why does it seem like kids and teenagers are the only survivors?

4. What do the pets add to the story? I don't even know how many there are (or what they are) and they haven't contributed anything to the story so far. I think it would be a better idea to just get rid of the whole pet idea.

5. The paragraph that begins with "She said no more, no more questions, nothing at all" is too long and it feels like you realized you hadn't explained some things so you tried to dump all that info into one paragraph. Sprinkle all that info across the story and try not to reveal everything at once.

Overall, this story wasn't bad. I'm still wondering what happened with the fires and I would love to see what happens to the MC and her siblings. It's good to have a relatable main character and I could relate to Esmerelda because I am an older sister myself. Keep writing and good luck with this! I hope to see more of it on YWS. :)

-AlyTheBookworm



When you cut pieces out of the truth to avoid looking like a fool, you end up looking like a moron instead.
— Robin Hobb