Chapter 1
"Sisi!"
I ran through the house towards my sister's cries. Reaching her room I threw open the door. She was lying in her bed crying. I grabbed her arm and yanked her out of the bed.
"C'mon! Hurry!"
I could hear the gunshots and yelling outside. I dragged her to our brother's room shouting, "Boys! Get out here!" They came running out, one pulling the other. I told them to follow me and then I dashed downstairs. I got out the back door and ran into the forest behind our house. I could hear the boy's footsteps behind me so I knew they were still with me. I ran to the cave that no one but I knew about. I shoved my siblings inside and dived in after them.
It was an underground cave with only a small open space in the roots of a tree to enter. It used to be my special hideout but right now it had become all of ours. It had a wooden rocking chair in the far right hand corner and in the other right hand corner there was an old cracked mirror. I had found both the mirror and the chair thrown out in the woods behind our neighbor's house. In the far left hand corner my library books were in a fabric bag. The close left corner stayed unoccupied. In the middle of the room was a small fire pit. In order to let the smoke out I had drilled openings in the bark of the tree above us. The tree was a large maple that was hollow so that it was as though there was a big vertical tunnel above us. My siblings huddled around me and after what seemed like an eternity in only a few seconds my sister asked where we were. I replied, "A secret place. We'll be safe here."
She asked no more and it was quiet for a few more moments and then the older of my brothers mumbled, "What about our kitties and puppy?" And the other, "What about Bob?" Bob was his goldfish. Then they all three started sobbing. I didn't want to leave our pets either so I told them to stay there while I went to get them. Even though I knew it was extremely risky I couldn't just leave my poor kittens. I sprinted as fast as I could back to the house and ran inside the back door, into the kitchen, grabbed the basket full of baby kittens, called to our three adult cats that I had taught to come when they are called, and called our puppy, Puck. Then I locked the adult cats in the closet and grabbed Puck's leash off the hook by the back door and clipped it on his collar. Then I ran back outside dragging Puck along with the kittens in the basket. Reaching the cave I thrust the basket into my sister's arms and handed my younger brother the puppy's leash. Then jogged outside again.
Ahead what I saw made me gasp in fright, most of the houses were ablaze with a raging fire that was quickly spreading. I sprinted so fast I could hardly breathe. I opened the closet door, somehow managed to grab all three cats at once and ran back to our hideout. I thrust the cats in and ran back for the goldfish. I didn't honestly care about the goldfish. It would die soon anyway but I wanted to grab some other things too. I grabbed the goldfish and took it a safe distance out and put it in the woods and then I went back and got a plastic bag and started shoving food from the pantry and fridge in it. Then I went back outside. I figured I still had about three minutes until the fire struck so I set the food outside and then got some blankets, pillows, toothbrushes and toothpaste, water bottles, shoes and sweaters, some other clothes and a couple of stuffed animals. By the time I got everything outside I had about twenty seconds left so I grabbed my pocketknife and ran.
My estimations were almost accurate as the fire hit about ten seconds later. I started taking quick trips back and forth to the woods and back. There was a creek behind the house so fire wouldn't light up the forest. I accidentally dropped a blanket in the water in my haste. But that didn't deter me from getting everything safely to the cave. My siblings crowded around me hugging my legs, relieved that I made it back safely.
"It's okay. We're gonna' be alright." I crooned.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello! So I'll split this up into big thoughts and little thoughts.
Big thoughts: The first question I found myself asking was where the fantasy element comes in. I don't see it here at all, unless I missed it? Presumably it comes later, but it's good to at least hint in the first chapter. The first chapter makes promises as to what kind of story the novel is going to be.
Something you might want to consider is that they don't necessarily need to be well supplied. It's awfully convenient that the MC manages to get blankets, pillows, even toothbrushes and toothpaste. If they're forced out in a rush with no time to think, it might make for a more interesting story (more tension and conflict) if they also need to worry about shelter, keeping warm and dry, all their stuff getting wet when it rains that night, looking for places to wash up, etc. Having a well-stocked hidey hole makes it too easy on our characters!
As a reader, right now, I'm wondering what the gunshots, shouting, and fire are about. Who are these mysterious attackers? Where are the parents? I trust you'll explain this to us in the future
Little thoughts: You don't need to explain every single action the characters take. Readers can infer a lot even if you don't give us tons to go on. For instance, you don't need a sentence to say she told them to follow, a sentence to say she went out the back door, a sentence to say she could hear them following, a sentence to say she ran to the cave, and a sentence to say she shoved the others inside. All that could be condensed down / summarized: "I grabbed my brothers and tugged the three of them downstairs and through the back door. We dove toward the forest behind the house, where I knew about a hidden cave, and I shoved my siblings inside ahead of me." Not the most elegant example, but that's two sentences instead of five.
Look for places where you can cut or combine sentences. That will make the reading a lot faster and smoother, and give you space for more important things. Try reading the sentences out loud--sometimes that helps you get a feel for when you have good or bad rhythm in a paragraph. IMO there's plenty you could condense down (honestly, if I were writing this, and it was the opening scene in my novel, I could/would write that whole scene in two paragraphs, just to give you an idea). Not that you should try and make the whole thing two paragraphs, but it's something to keep an eye for in writing & editing.
Hello, 5kKitty! Artemis28 with some rusty reviewing skills that she needs to polish! So, without further ado, I'll test them on this lovely piece of writing.
Just be warned--I'm a huge grammar fan and my reviews are saturated with a ton of that. I hope I don't sound harsh or anything.
Well, there's a number of things in the first few paragraphs. I'm going to assume Sisi is what this main character calls her sister? You switch between tenses in your first few sentences. This character ran through the house, but "reaching" changes the tense to present tense for one moment. To keep with the past tense, use, "I reached her room and threw open the door."
Since there's more than one brother, you should make "brother's" plural, as in "brothers'." See how I put the apostrophe after the s? There's two cases where this happens. Please fix both of them.
Now, there's a debate about someone who dived in or someone who dove in. Lots of people outside North America like to use "dived." I personally think "dove" sounds right, but it's up to you whether you want to change that.
I also want to point out that many of your sentences start with the same thing. It's usually "I (verb)..." Instead, try to vary it more. Add in emotions, since there aren't many except for frantic, which you stress throughout this piece. Add in details. I love verbs, but too many is a dangerous thing in writing.
""Sisi!"
I ran through the house towards my sister's cries. Reaching her room I threw open the door. She was lying in her bed crying. I grabbed her arm and yanked her out of the bed.
"C'mon! Hurry!"
I could hear the gunshots and yelling outside. I dragged her to our brother's room shouting, "Boys! Get out here!" They came running out, one pulling the other. I told them to follow me and then I dashed downstairs. I got out the back door and ran into the forest behind our house. I could hear the boy's footsteps behind me so I knew they were still with me. I ran to the cave that no one but I knew about. I shoved my siblings inside and dived in after them."
Other than this, I couldn't really see much to comment about. I love this piece, to be honest. I love how you put emphasis on the common emotion here--panic, someone in a rush to do something. Your details weren't clear at the beginning, but you really started getting into it after that.
I'd love to see the next chapter come out, 5k. You can tag or PM me when it's out, and I'll get to reviewing it whenever I can! Keep writing and have a good time being a new member of YWS!
XOX,
Artemis28
Thankyou. And I will definitely PM you when the next chapter comes out.