(I just found this on my computer. I wrote it for music in year 9 but never got round to recording it. It's pretty cringey)
the rage i feel inside for you is fuelled by gasoline
an endless stream of protein
caffeine entered in my bloodstream
firing anger like a fleet ballistic missile submarine
injected into my veins like a vaccine
cure it with amphetamine
then kill with a guillotine
make it into a movie then play it on the silver screen
burn the script with kerosene
my unclean unseen blood thirsty killing machine
they’ll write about me in their magazines
gamble all the profit in a slot machine
now my blood is pumping like I'm wolverine
the costume i wore last Halloween
i could play your screams like a tambourine
then wash out your mouth with listerine
a real man uses anti-histamine
clean your body with fluorine
burns through the flesh like bromine
like GCSE science. like amphetamines
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Wesh! Jade here to review your, uh, rap. I think I'll just get to it.
the rage i feel inside for you is fuelled by gasoline
an endless stream of protein (In my head, the tune I'm using makes this feel like the beat is off, maybe make it roughly the same syllable count as the previous line before changing it up?)
caffeine entered in my bloodstream
firing anger like a fleet ballistic missile submarine (I like that line. I love it! I like metaphors in rap and this is no exception)
injected into my veins like a vaccine
cure it with amphetamine
then kill with a guillotine (Maybe put, kill it with a guillotine. Also, this makes no sense. What are you curing? Then why would you want to kill it?)
make it into a movie then play it on the silver screen
burn the script with kerosene (This feels like a Fall Out Boy song)
my unclean unseen blood thirsty killing machine
they’ll write about me in their magazines (OK, so I was going to save this comment for the end, but: please go through and fix the spelling mistakes. It's up to you, though)
gamble all the profit in a slot machine
now my blood is pumping like I'm wolverine
the costume i wore last Halloween
i could play your screams like a tambourine (Not exactly the most hardcore instrument, but OK... if you want a really scary instrument, go MARACAS or CASTANETS!)
then wash out your mouth with listerine (The ultimate dentist rap XD)
a real man uses anti-histamine
clean your body with fluorine
burns through the flesh like bromine
like GCSE science. like amphetamines (What's with the random period? If you want to signal a partial stop, just put it on the next line)
Overall: I think this was a tiny bit cringey, but it has amazing potential and I'm a fan of it. Keep up the amazing work and I can't wait to see more by you! I hope this helped >-<
Jadey
Thank you! The intention was to be cringey, aha.
I'm not sure where the spelling error is in the line you pointed out?
I meant capitalizing the I's and adding commas and periods. Sorry if I didn't make that clear!
Good job.
<img src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GdEo_UG_spo/Vy56QJPtWZI/AAAAAAAABRg/D8jg0rNMGx0UkXvWdlGdudEla0VCF02MACLcB/s640/27.png" alt="Image result for hancock good job meme"/>
Above is a link to a hancock meme.
What I like about your rap is that you do a lot of rhyming and it actually works. At first when I wrote your author's note I thought you meant you found it on the internet or something. So when I was reading it it seemed like it was a published rap song. I'm no expert on rap but since I thought it was a published rap song at first that says something. Good job.
Thank you so much!
Good job.
<img src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-GdEo_UG_spo/Vy56QJPtWZI/AAAAAAAABRg/D8jg0rNMGx0UkXvWdlGdudEla0VCF02MACLcB/s640/27.png" alt="Image result for hancock good job meme"/>
Above is a link to a hancock meme.
What I like about your rap is that you do a lot of rhyming and it actually works. At first when I wrote your author's note I thought you meant you found it on the internet or something. So when I was reading it it seemed like it was a published rap song. I'm no expert on rap but since I thought it was a published rap song at first that says something. Good job.
Hello,
First of all, this is so FUNNY. I was actually rapping this out and laughing through the last few lines lol. Your right, it's cringe, but I really love it. I feel like there may be an actual story behind this... maybe this character acts differently from whatever is being injected in him. On that note, I like the way all these ideas are jumbled together, to show that this character doesn't have control over themselves.
It gives me the chills, but ai feel like there's only one line that takes away from that.
"the costume I wore last Halloween."
I don't think your really need this line... It's sort of random. Anyway, that's all I have to say!
Keep Writing
Thank you! The costume line was referring to the previous line about wolverine but it is a little random!
Hello 4evergreen!
Sorry i keep calling you that btw......
Anyway...
I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a really good rap!
I do think it would be better if sung, but hey..............
Your similes were really good, and really flowed with the song. There is a few grammar and punctuation errors you may want to fix up. I can feel slight emotion from this, and I'm pretty sure there's a message behind it to. You did really great on this work.
I hope to read more from you!
Keep up the good work!
Sincerely
Anma
Ah thank you! It'd be really great if you could point out any grammar/punctuation errors for me!