Wesh! Jade here to review your, uh, rap. I think I'll just get to it.
the rage i feel inside for you is fuelled by gasoline
an endless stream of protein (In my head, the tune I'm using makes this feel like the beat is off, maybe make it roughly the same syllable count as the previous line before changing it up?)
caffeine entered in my bloodstream
firing anger like a fleet ballistic missile submarine (I like that line. I love it! I like metaphors in rap and this is no exception)
injected into my veins like a vaccine
cure it with amphetamine
then kill with a guillotine (Maybe put, kill it with a guillotine. Also, this makes no sense. What are you curing? Then why would you want to kill it?)
make it into a movie then play it on the silver screen
burn the script with kerosene (This feels like a Fall Out Boy song)
my unclean unseen blood thirsty killing machine
they’ll write about me in their magazines (OK, so I was going to save this comment for the end, but: please go through and fix the spelling mistakes. It's up to you, though)
gamble all the profit in a slot machine
now my blood is pumping like I'm wolverine
the costume i wore last Halloween
i could play your screams like a tambourine (Not exactly the most hardcore instrument, but OK... if you want a really scary instrument, go MARACAS or CASTANETS!)
then wash out your mouth with listerine (The ultimate dentist rap XD)
a real man uses anti-histamine
clean your body with fluorine
burns through the flesh like bromine
like GCSE science. like amphetamines (What's with the random period? If you want to signal a partial stop, just put it on the next line)
Overall: I think this was a tiny bit cringey, but it has amazing potential and I'm a fan of it. Keep up the amazing work and I can't wait to see more by you! I hope this helped >-<
Jadey
Points: 1578
Reviews: 232
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