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This is my design

by 4revgreen

This is a song/poem I wrote for my final piece in Music GCSE. I will link a version of the song (It's a really bad version,  I made it a couple of months ago and have a much better one now that I can't be bothered to upload. The song is about the relationship between Will Graham and Hannibal Lecter in Hannibal (TV series) so the lack of a proper rhyme scheme and irregular line/stanza lengths are meant to represent the "troubles" in the relationship and the power dynamic between them- Hannibal is a murderer, Will is going crazy. It sounds much better with music, but I just wanted a general opinion. It makes much more sense if you've watched the show :-)

The song :-) please listen! I will upload a better version soon

We are the lions

In a world of lambs

Won't God come and meet us?

Won't God come and greet us?

I've always been the hunter

Nothing on my trail

I guess It's in my blood

and It means I never fail

Come with me

and you will see

that I can make you

a hunter too

I know you've got it in you

But first I've got to break you

They all had it coming

Become the predator

Stand close to the edge

I am making my pledge

We'll take this fall together

Blood brothers forever

This is my design

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93 Reviews

Points: 3935
Reviews: 93

Sun Mar 31, 2019 5:53 pm
ShapeOfVoid wrote a review...

Hi 4revgreen! That was an awesome song. I loved the rhythm, the music, the tone, and both of your voices so much! I'd like to give you and your friend a pat on the back for pulling it off - great work. Of course, i don't think it'd be a good idea to take my views professionally; i love music, but i know next to nothing when it actually comes down to it - i just enjoy a good tune :)

The lyrics are good- the fit well together, don't seem forced. I wish i knew the show you're talking about; i bet that would make this so much more nicer to read- and make me feel so much more.

The speaker seems pretty confident; powerful, etc etc - what i mean to say, there's great characterization in this poem, i feel like i know my protagonists well enough already. There's a threat, and then an offer - all fall together rather perfectly to give the readers an idea of who they're reading about.

There's not really much i can say - this is lyrics, and poetry, so i don't really want to comment on any of the structure, punctuation, bla bla.

By the way, the version in youtue's pretty cool too - aren't there some extra lines there? They're awesome too - I think you should add them here, it would make it all the more better to read.

Won't God come and meet us?

Won't God come and greet us

This is, of course, my favourite part. Ah, the confidence! The beautiful audacity! I love it. These people demand power; and there's no way they're leaving without out. This is repetition at its most splendid use.

Anyway, I really loved this (i said that somewhere before right?).
Keep writing!

4revgreen says...

ahh thank you so much! honestly this has made my day :-)

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130 Reviews

Points: 216
Reviews: 130

Sun Mar 31, 2019 5:07 am
Anma wrote a review...

Hello 4evergreen

Before I start I just want to say I can't listen to the song right now but I totally will the first chance I get and I'll get back to you on it.

Anyway to continue.....

The lyrics are very expressive.
There is emotion from them which makes it a ten times better song.

The message here is strong and I very much love it.

There is a little imagery in it which isn't needed but its really great when you listen to a song that brings pictures into your head.

I do want to say though that there is punctuation, grammar errors.
I mean technically you don't need to in lyrics but its best to line it up with the song.

like were do you pause in the song. Is there any breaks in between lines, stuff like that.

Either than that its great.

Keep up the good work! Happy review day!

Sincerely Anma

4revgreen says...

thank you so much :-)

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429 Reviews

Points: 14020
Reviews: 429

Thu Mar 21, 2019 10:17 pm
Liberty says...

Did you sing that??

4revgreen says...

me and my friend, yeah :-)

4revgreen says...

though we are re-doing the vocals today so it'll sound a lot different

Liberty says...

It's really good! :D

4revgreen says...

thank you!

Liberty says...

no problem

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
— Dr. Seuss