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Sculptured man

by 4revgreen


This is just some rough ideas I had for a song. It's not perfect obviously(it's a little short) and I haven't made the actual song yet but yeah :-)

Sculptured Man

I've grown tired of this body

White and marble chiseled

My bones carved from stone

I guess that's why I'm so alone

.

I can't speak to anybody

I'm a sculpture that's been put on display

I've never had a proper home

I guess that's why I'm so alone

.

Take my eyes, I can't see

Take my hands they have no plan

Take my heart, I'm just art

On display, I'm part clay

.

I'm just a sculptured man

I'm just a sculpture, take my hands


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Mon Apr 22, 2019 5:51 am
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Itsbintezahid says...



To be honest, I'm in love with thid poem as a whole. The theme, the diction, the style everything!




4revgreen says...


Thank you so much!



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Mon Apr 15, 2019 9:01 pm
itsCate says...



Honesty someone hit me.
This was so good,and so true in so many ways. I love how the song turned into a style of art. It was very beautiful even if it was short. I really enjoyed it.




4revgreen says...


Thank you so much!!



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Sun Apr 14, 2019 6:41 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello!!

I think this is a really great idea you have going here. You have a lot of golden lines in here. I truly believe you can turn this into something stellar.

I like the direction this takes. It's different from most songs that are, nowadays, pointing out what society dictates as flaws and accepting those flaws as what they are. This idea goes the complete opposite direction, it seems. It takes what society dictates a perfect body and sees it as a flaw, something the speaker has a hard time accepting. It's a unique spin on a popular theme.

The imagery used here for the metaphor to a sculpture is just so vivid, so well done. Several of these lines are cleverly written. "white and marble chiseled / my bones carved from stone," "take my eyes, i can't see," "take my heart, i'm just art." These are just among my favorite lines, but you have a lot of good stuff here.

I can't wait to see what you do with it. The ending is abrupt, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here that this is unfinished and unpolished. So well done! I look forward to seeing a more polished version if you choose to post one. :D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




4revgreen says...


ahh thank you! Yeah it's a little uncomplete because I hit complete writers block but hopefully next week when I go back to school i Can make the actual song in the studio




Adventure is worthwhile.
— Aesop