Young Writers Society

Hello!

The lyrics are truly terrific! I personally like the length of this piece, I think it's effective and strong the way it is (I actually like the harsh ending too).

I'm in love with this stanza:
"Take my eyes, I can't see
Take my hands they have no plan
Take my heart, I'm just art
On display, I'm part clay"

Remarkable writing!

Hey there!

This is a really deep song! At first glance, it appears to be about a statue lamenting his life as a statue, but it also conveys an idea of a person being so tired of being judged superficially, taken at face value, and underappreciated for who he is that he just feels like he's turned into an empty statue devoid of life.

I do question why you refer to the statue as being chiseled out of marble and then talking about being part clay? It's possible, but most sculptures would use one or the other, not both.

There's beautiful imagery here, and you should be proud of it. It really invokes some real, deep human emotions. Wanting to be seen for who we are and not what we look like, wondering how many people really care to know what's inside of us, feeling constrained by life situations, all of these come to my mind, and I'm sure others come to other people's minds.

My big question is, do you see this being a piece that will be fast or slow? Country? Rock? Pop? Alternative? I'm curious what you would do musically with this piece. I think it has a great potential as some kind of electronic/alternative piece, but maybe that's just me. Regardless, it's great and you should be proud. Make sure you let the YWS community know if/when it's recorded!

Toboldlygo

To be honest, I'm in love with thid poem as a whole. The theme, the diction, the style everything!

Honesty someone hit me.
This was so good,and so true in so many ways. I love how the song turned into a style of art. It was very beautiful even if it was short. I really enjoyed it.

Hello!!

I think this is a really great idea you have going here. You have a lot of golden lines in here. I truly believe you can turn this into something stellar.

I like the direction this takes. It's different from most songs that are, nowadays, pointing out what society dictates as flaws and accepting those flaws as what they are. This idea goes the complete opposite direction, it seems. It takes what society dictates a perfect body and sees it as a flaw, something the speaker has a hard time accepting. It's a unique spin on a popular theme.

The imagery used here for the metaphor to a sculpture is just so vivid, so well done. Several of these lines are cleverly written. "white and marble chiseled / my bones carved from stone," "take my eyes, i can't see," "take my heart, i'm just art." These are just among my favorite lines, but you have a lot of good stuff here.

I can't wait to see what you do with it. The ending is abrupt, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here that this is unfinished and unpolished. So well done! I look forward to seeing a more polished version if you choose to post one.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!