Suicidal heroes 1 Prologue

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

When the child was born, it already knew how to use its powers. It had been born into an average middle class family who were wonderfully content with life. The husband had recently been promoted, and the couple were moving into a new house. They were swimming in joy with their baby, but soon they would be terrified of it. When they went home with it, strange things began to occur. Whenever the child was brought into a room, the lights would get brighter, and sometimes the couple could swear somebody turned up central heating every time it cried. They knew that it was hard to be parents, but not this hard. When ever they called a babysitter just once, the unfortunate person would be busy every other time the parents wanted to enjoy themselves. The father began to stay at work for hours of overtime that he didn’t need to do, and the mothers’ hairdressing appointments were eternal. It wasn’t until a year and a half later that these odd things became undeniable. The T.V would flicker on and off on itself, and objects would fall off tables, or sometimes disappear all together, only to be found on another floor being cuddled by the child… They were scared to look at it in fear of it. Perhaps if they had shown more love and understanding, they might have survived… The baby was three when he became an orphan. The powers it had finally went out of control, and the house was burnt to the ground. They said it was a miracle that the baby survived, though nobody knew how it escaped…

The solar system works because of gravity, holding everything together like a jigsaw puzzle. It works perfectly to keep each planet safe from the void of distant space. But when another object, as large as a planet, enters this puzzle, the entire picture is rearranged, even destroyed. Out in space, there was an enormous mass of iron, almost pure iron. It had been tossed like a boomerang, coasting space by the pull of gravity all around it. Finally, it was caught within the field our sun. The colossal mass was heading towards the sun, slowly, very slowly, but still on the way. When it drew near to the sun, there was one planet stood between it, a planet that would be destroyed. The planet was known by its’ inhabitants as Earth.

100xstupid wrote:Prologue

When the child was born, it already knew how to use its powers. It had been born into an average middle class I always thought that was one word "middleclass" family who were wonderfully content with life. The husband had recently been promoted, and the couple were moving into a new house. They were swimming in joy with their baby, but soon they would be terrified of it. Up until this last sentence you didn't hook me. I was going to say you needed a hook (in my opinion), but you just did. good timing. And... I'd hit ENTER right about now. When they went home with it "it" being the baby? Then I'd say that. "It" just doesn't seem to fit here. Sorry , strange things began to occur. I'd rather you just show us the strange things instead of first telling Whenever the child was brought into a room, the lights would get brighter, and sometimes the couple could swear somebody turned up central heating every time it cried. Enter here? They knew that it was hard to be parents, but not this hard. When ever "whenever" = one word. they called a babysitter just once You could cut that underlined part. It isn't needed , the unfortunate person would since you said "just once", that means it was only one babysitter, so then this should be "unfortunate person was". Right? be busy every other time the parents wanted to enjoy themselves. Enter? The father began to stay at work for hours of overtime that he didn’t need to do, and the mothers’ hairdressing appointments were eternal. It wasn’t until a year and a half later that these odd things became undeniable. The T.V would flicker on and off on itself, and objects would fall off tables, or sometimes disappear all together, only to be found on another floor being cuddled by the child… They were scared to look at it in fear of it. Perhaps if they had shown more love and understanding, they might have survived… The baby was three when he became an orphan. The powers it had finally went out of control, and the house was burnt to the ground. They said it was a miracle that the baby survived, though nobody knew how it escaped…

The solar system works because of gravity, holding everything together like a jigsaw puzzle. It works perfectly to keep each planet safe from the void of distant space. But when another object, as large as a planet, enters this puzzle, the entire picture is rearranged, even destroyed. Out in space, there was an enormous mass of iron, almost pure iron. It had been tossed like a boomerang, coasting space by the pull of gravity all around it. Finally, it was caught within the field our sun. The colossal mass was heading towards the sun, slowly, very slowly, but still on the way. When it drew near to the sun, there was one planet stood between it, a planet that would be destroyed. The planet was known by its’ inhabitants as Earth.

100xstupid wrote:Prologue

When the child was born, it already knew how to use its powers. It had been born into an average middle class I always thought that was one word "middleclass" family who were wonderfully content with life. The husband had recently been promoted, and the couple were moving into a new house. They were swimming in joy with their baby, but soon they would be terrified of it. Up until this last sentence you didn't hook me. I was going to say you needed a hook (in my opinion), but you just did. good timing. And... I'd hit ENTER right about now. When they went home with it "it" being the baby? Then I'd say that. "It" just doesn't seem to fit here. Sorry , strange things began to occur. I'd rather you just show us the strange things instead of first telling Whenever the child was brought into a room, the lights would get brighter, and sometimes the couple could swear somebody turned up central heating every time it cried. Enter here? They knew that it was hard to be parents, but not this hard. When ever "whenever" = one word. they called a babysitter just once You could cut that underlined part. It isn't needed , the unfortunate person would since you said "just once", that means it was only one babysitter, so then this should be "unfortunate person was". Right? be busy every other time the parents wanted to enjoy themselves. Enter? The father began to stay at work for hours of overtime that he didn’t need to do, and the mothers’ hairdressing appointments were eternal. It wasn’t until a year and a half later that these odd things became undeniable. The T.V would flicker on and off on itself, and objects would fall off tables, or sometimes disappear all together, only to be found on another floor being cuddled by the child… They were scared to look at it in fear of it. Perhaps if they had shown more love and understanding, they might have survived… The baby was three when he became an orphan. The powers it had finally went out of control, and the house was burnt to the ground. They said it was a miracle that the baby survived, though nobody knew how it escaped…

The solar system works because of gravity, holding everything together like a jigsaw puzzle. It works perfectly to keep each planet safe from the void of distant space. But when another object, as large as a planet, enters this puzzle, the entire picture is rearranged, even destroyed. Out in space, there was an enormous mass of iron, almost pure iron. It had been tossed like a boomerang, coasting space by the pull of gravity all around it. Finally, it was caught within the field our sun. The colossal mass was heading towards the sun, slowly, very slowly, but still on the way. When it drew near to the sun, there was one planet stood between it, a planet that would be destroyed. The planet was known by its’ inhabitants as Earth.

I was really inrtigued by the first sentence, which is a great thing. It drew me in. =)

I also like how you kept the family in the first paragraph very neutral, very simple, without any specific names. It keeps the beginning interesting, but it also leaves room for interpretation and questions like "Oh, what's this about a baby? Why will they be terrified of it? What's going on?" and that makes them want to know more and keep reading. You've done a good job with that.

On one other note, I agree with pshhxhoney about the transitioning from the first paragraph to the second. It's quite abrupt, and it could use a lot smoother of a transition.

But otherwise, nice beginning! I look forward to reading more! =3

Hey I really like this! It's sounds really good so far!

Well, I don't really like to review but, I will anyway. The only thing that I don't like is how you are talking about a newborn baby and then you suddenly go into the second paragraph on a different topic. Maybe you should try to make it flow a little more, or maybe it's just me.

Well, anyway that's all I have to say. I really like this and want to read more! You're a really good writer! Please PM me when the next chapter is up! =]
-Krisy

I'm not sure what to make of it, mostly due to the length. It's looking good so far, but it would have been nice to have seen a bit more of it.

Just a few pointers:

'They were swimming in joy with their baby, but soon they would be terrified of it. When they went home with it, strange things began to occur.'
This seems a little abrupt. Perhaps making the 'honeymoon period' a little bit longer and slowly building up a picture of how sinister the child is would make it more tense.

'When ever they called a babysitter just once, the unfortunate person would be busy every other time the parents wanted to enjoy themselves.'
It may just be me, but this sentence doesn't seem to make sense. I'm not sure exactly what it is you're trying to say, as the grammar's all jumbled. But like I said, it could just be me.

'The T.V would flicker on and off on itself, and objects would fall off tables, or sometimes disappear all together'
So far, so cliche. I'm sure you have plenty of ideas of how to change the 'possessed child' scenario and make it your own, but right now it looks a lot like The Omen/Poltergeist/The Ring (this list could go on for a bit so I'll stop now).

'The solar system works because of gravity, holding everything together like a jigsaw puzzle. It works perfectly to keep each planet safe from the void of distant space. But when another object, as large as a planet, enters this puzzle, the entire picture is rearranged, even destroyed.'
I love this bit. I see this as a metaphor for the child suddenly entering the world and disorientating the fabric of things. I hope this was intentional, because otherwise I'm going to look like a fool.

'When it drew near to the sun, there was one planet stood between it, a planet that would be destroyed.'
This second bit seems very disjointed from the first paragraph. I know the two parts will come together as the story goes on, but ending the only part we can see at the moment on a seemingly incidental event is a little... tacky, for want of a better word.

That all said, I can't wait to see how this story pans out.