I've never really attempted poetry but I tried my best. My exams just finished so I have the time now to experiment. Please give constructive feedback and also, let me know if I should lengthen the last stanza or if it's too short.
When children play, they play with water,
Transparent, indeceitful, pure and clear.
When children play they play with ease,
All that can go wrong is a scratch on the knee,
When children play they are innocent,
But it slips through their fingers all too fast.
When adults play, they play with fire,
Drugs, alcohol, love and money.
When adults play they play with fear,
They suddenly lose everything that they hold dear,
When adults play, they know they’re sinning,
And soon everything is in flames around them.
And when the old play, they play in damp, burnt grass.
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Canary word: Present
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looooooooove it it's very good for a first poem
it really shows the difference between children and adults
keep on the good work
Thanks
. I thought of it in an English lesson when we were doing poetry, and it's based loosely on experience (Not that I'm an adult, but I've seen/heard about some pretty nasty stuff that's happened to adults when they "play")
wow i really like this poem
it makes a clear statement
and the thought process is fantastic!!!
i particularly like the contrasts between the innocent children and the sinful adults....
it is very imaginative and thought provoking!!!
the last stanza is also very powerful and jumps out at the reader!!!
you should definately write more... especially if it comes from the soul as i think this one did.
good job
-soul destoyer
Hmm. Not bad for a first attempt. And it makes sense. Everything is smooth, each stanza has a good transition, and every statement has a point.
But if you're not sure about how your poem is going, just remember that not all poems rhyme. None of mine do. And it's okay. Poems are just thoughts that run through people's minds.
Keep it up!