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Shooting Stars

by Cailey


The cold air swam through the crack between the window and the wall. That piece of glass refused to stay upright, instead the windowpane hung crookedly and left a wide gap through which a new gust of wind entered. A young girl sat near the window, staring out at the sky beyond. Although, with all the lights from the city, only a black blanket showed where the starry sky should have been.

"What's it meanif there isn't even a star to wish upon?" The girl murmured, and she bit her lip in frustration. It seemed like she'd been waiting her entire life. Waiting for her parents to notice, waiting for her teachers to congradulate, waiting for her friends to care, waiting for a star to appear in the colorless ocean of heaven. Behind the girl, a cocker spaniel spun in circles attempting to make a bed out of the girl's wadded up sweater. After a moment he seemed to give up and collapsed into the cloth with his paws crossed over each other. "You don't care, do you Desey?" The girl asked the animal at her back. The dog whined curiously by way of answering.

A footstep outside drew the girl's attention back to the window. An old man moved through the streets with his eyes glued to the lines of the pavement at his feet. After a moment he stopped, and his heavy breathing mingled with the silence of the city. In the distance cars raced forward like mindless ants, and deep within the city buildings still scurried with activity, but in the girl's street nothing moved. The only sign of life was the man.

The man coughed suddenly, and his action drew his eyes to the light above. He turned his neck ever so slightly, just enough to catch sight of the girl. "How long have you been watching me?" He asked. His voice rose like the growing of a tree, branching up and out and around until the noises enveloped the girl's ears.

The girl hesitated. "How long have you been down there?" Her own quiet voice fell down to the man like raindrops, and he lowered his eyes as they fell. "You walked onto my street," she continued, "what was I supposed to do besides watch you?"

"Your street?" Now the man had shoved his hands into his back pockets and was waiting expectantly for an answer. The girl remained stubbornly silent for a long time.

"What are you doing?" she called at last.

"Standing," the man shrugged, "you've been watching me, you should know."

"But why?"

Now it was the man's turn to hand silence up to the girl. He drew his hand out of his pocket, brushed his hair back, straightened his shirt, and returned his hand to his pocket. "I'm waiting," he said at last.

"Me too," said the girl, "I'm waiting for a star."

"A shooting star?" And the man pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. He stood for several minutes with his crooked back bent over and his fingers moving back and forth, back and forth. Once his fingers finished, he straightened up and tossed the paper as high as he could. The girl caught the object through the crack in the window, and held it up to the light. A star. "Throw it back down to me, and as it falls, make a wish. Don't tell me what your wish it, I can't know, but make a wish. Maybe it will come true."

"I wish someone would notice me," the girl said, ignoring the previous warning. The paper star danced down the current of the wind into the man's open hand.

"I wish there was someone for me to notice." The man tossed the paper back up, and the girl caught it as he walked on. In a moment shefound herself alone again, holding the paper between hersmall hands as the wind pushedagainthrough the crooked glass.


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158 Reviews


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Sun Feb 24, 2013 4:50 pm
Veeren wrote a review...



Hey there Cailey :D

I'm just here to bother you about everything review your piece. So be sure to take my advice. Or not. Doesn't matter to me, I'm not a cop.

Just a heads up though, in this particular piece, you should probably separate all the dialogue from the action in different paragraphs.

Spoiler! :
"What's it meanif there isn't even a star to wish upon?"


I guess you forgot to hit your spacebar.

Spoiler! :
and she bit her lip in frustration.


You should make this: biting her lip in frustration.

Spoiler! :
It seemed like she'd been waiting her entire life. Waiting


Make this a new paragraph, and put a comma before 'waiting', since you continue listing things afterwords.

Spoiler! :
A footstep outside


A footstep? A single footstep? A normal person would pass that off as some other noise.

Spoiler! :
like raindrops, and he lowered his eyes as they fell.


This is a bit odd. You make it seem like it was actually raining, since of course you can't literally follow a sound.

Spoiler! :
In a moment shefound herself alone again, holding the paper between hersmall hands as the wind pushedagainthrough the crooked glass


Oh that evil spacebar.

But the rest was fine.
I think this was a brilliant story, even if I felt like it lacked a point. Maybe I'm just blind, but I didn't see it xP
Anyway great writing, keep up the good work. :D




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 5:53 pm
Supermeggs12 wrote a review...



Well, I would say that some sentences are run-ons which makes your writing sound choppy, and all. However, it is a unique idea, and it was pretty good.

Uh darn it, don't know how to fix that stupid quote thing "That peice of glass refused to stay upright, instead the windowpane hung crookedly." That's what I mean. It sounded a bit awkward, if you just fix the stuff like that up. You could have yourself a very lovely work. Not that it already isn't lovely!




Cailey says...


Thank you! I've had several comments on that sentence, I'm just too lazy to fix it on this version. I guess I should...



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Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:51 pm
beckiw wrote a review...



Hey Cailey :)

I found myself wanting to read some Fantasy and stumbled across your story and I'm glad I did! Now you've already got a lot of good reviews but I didn't read them. So if I go over ground that they have already trodden then I'm sorry!

This was a really pleasant story, I liked your description, I liked your characters and it made me smile. It was a sweet little story. I think I just sorted of wanted something more magical to happen. Not ridiculously so. You know like I don't need the man to randomly start floating up to her or pull out a wand or anything but just a little bit of wonder to complete this little whimsical tale.

I think you may be able to add this in at the end. I think it might be interesting if when he throws the paper star up to her, it's somehow a little unnatural, maybe when she wishes there is a little bit of a sparkle. Then the man could wander off with a knowing smile on his lips. Like he's keeping this big secret! That sort of ending would make me intriguied. Would keep your story living in my head long after I'd read it. Right now it's a little final.

Also, I sort of expected him to reply to her wish like 'I noticed you.'

Little hints like this create intrigue, build another layer to the story and I think you could use a little of that here to push your story to the next level.

Anywho! I hope that helped :) Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Bex x




Cailey says...


Hey, thanks! I was wondering how to end this, I wasn't quite satisfied with either of my first two endings. I love the idea of adding some touch of magic to it. Hm, now I'm already thinking of a thousand other stories as well. Anyway, thanks!!



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Tue Feb 05, 2013 5:13 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there.

This is a beautiful piece. I wasn't expecting it, and I'm quite impressed that you were able to create such a beautiful little story with so few paragraphs. Very nice.

There are still a few things that need to be addressed, however.

That piece of glass refused to stay upright, instead the windowpane hung crookedly and left a wide gap through which a new gust of wind entered.

This is a fragment. It needs to be rewritten. At least put an "and" in front of "instead." That would fix it. Or, you could change the comma after "upright" to a period and turn it into two sentences.

Although, with all the lights from the city, only a black blanket showed where the starry sky should have been.

This is awkwardly worded. I think you should combine the previous sentence with this one. Try something like this: "A young girl sat near the window, staring at the sky beyond, the stars blanketed by too many city lights."

"What's it meanif there isn't even a star to wish upon?"

First of all, typo. Second of all, how old is this girl? I don't think she would say "upon." She would say "on."

The girl murmured, and she bit her lip in frustration.

Say instead "The girl murmured as she bit her lip..."

The dog whined curiously by way of answering.

say instead "The dog whined curiously" or "the dog whined in response"

An old man moved through the streets with his eyes glued to the lines of the pavement at his feet.

"old man" isn't doing it for me. Describe him more, don't tell us he's old. How about "A gnarled man shuffled through the streets, his eyes glued to the lined pavement at his feet." It slips in the description rather than telling us he's old.

The man coughed suddenly, and his action drew his eyes to the light above.

Again, this line sound awkward.

When the man throws the paper up to the girl, I think that a small piece of paper would only get blown about by the wind. Now, if he had folded an origami star out of a newspaper (which is pretty heavy paper) I feel like it would be more plausible that the star would make it to the window.

In a moment shefound herself alone again, holding the paper between hersmall hands as the wind pushedagainthrough the crooked glass.

typo alert. That is all.

I loved this. I really did. You have excellent dialogue. It's difficult to write good dialogue, but you've got a certain something to it. Nice. It's a great little story. I hope this review was helpful. Happy writing!




Cailey says...


Thanks! I meant to go through it again in search of typos, thanks for pointing them out!



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Tue Feb 05, 2013 2:38 am
dogs wrote a review...



Hello Cailey! Dogs here with your review today.

Ok so you have a good starting paragraph, leaving potential for a great story, although the last line of the first paragraph really doesn't make any sense to me. It's awkwardly worded and I can't quite decipher what you're trying to say because the words are a little jumbled. Re-arrange that phrase I'd suggest.

"colorless ocean of heaven"

great imagery and word choice there. Looovve it. Also I think the way you describe the dog curling up the girls sweater is absolutely adorable cause my dog does that often. Although you say "the dog whined curiously by way of answering" which is beyond awkward phrasing. You can just say "the dog whined curiously" or "he answered with a curious whine"

"How long have you been done there"

I think you should just cut out the "done" here. It will make the flow smoother.

"hand silence up to the girl"

Again really awkward phrasing. You could say he deliver silence to the girl or he let a moment of silence pass or he gave her the silent treatment.. yada yada.

I really do love the ending. Cute and witty. Definitely my favorite part and most certainly almost everyone's weakest part of their writing. So all and all this is a good piece with great potential. You're biggest challenge is to re word those awkward phrases so it makes the reading easier. Let me know if you ever need a review for anything, keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




Cailey says...


Thank you!! I will work on the awkwardness and all. And I made a few changes, probably as you were reading it. Again, thanks for the review!



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Tue Feb 05, 2013 2:26 am
Hannah wrote a review...



This is really beautiful. You have crafted a quiet moment full of meaning in just a couple of paragraphs, and I'm super impressed.

First, though, I have to recommend that you proof read your work before you submit it here. There are spelling errors, spacing errors, etc., that I'm sure you can catch by yourself if you just read over it with a careful eye. By doing this, you'll allow future readers to read through your work without being distracted by spelling errors, and they'll get a much more genuine handle on the material you're giving them.

Now, here are a couple of things to watch out for:

That dumb piece of glass refused to stay upright, instead the windowpane hung crookedly and left a wide gap through which a new gust of wind entered.


This sentence is really strange, 'cause you've got the girl's voice in it, where her voice isn't directly in the narration at any other part of the story. I think you were deciding, in the beginning of writing this, whether she'd be that present or whether you'd just describe her, so this might have been accidentally left in. Anyway, "dumb" is directly from the girl, not from the narrator, so clean it up.

The only sign of life was the man, the girl, and the dog.


This is also weird. It seems like you have a hard time deciding exactly what view point you're writing from. For the most part, it seems to come from the girl's eyes, not her mouth, from the voice of the narrator. But here it seems to come from eyes that are behind the girl, so they can take in the girl. I'd recommend leaving it as describing the man as the only sign of life, because we are close in with the girl's point of view, in her eyes, and we know she and her dog are alive. This just breaks up the flow of where the audience is.

She woke the next morning, and traveled through her day in a stupor. That night, as she peered out her window onto the street below, she found a hand waiting for a falling star, and a kind old man smiled up at her as she called down her new wish.


I am not sure about this ending. I mean the way the old man reacts to this girl is mystical, and I can accept it 'cause he's walking down the street at night, which is also mystical. But bringing him back to the scene of the crime makes him seem like a real person, which then breaks all that came before. I now expect him to react to her more realistically, which means I'm not sure I believe that he'd say something like, "I wish there was someone for me to notice", or just ask her why she's watching him. If he's a mystical old man, I believe that. I let it go. I think it might be better to end this story without him coming back.

BUT! If you have good reasons for wanting him to come back, I'd like to hear them and talk about them with you. Send me a PM~

Good luck, and keep writing!




Cailey says...


Awesome, thank you for reviewing! I just wrote this as a spur of the moment kind of thing, and should have editted better. Usually I'm really good at editting before I post. :) I will do that right now before anyone else even has a chance to read it. I agree with the thing about the old man coming back.




Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant