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Release of Conventions

by Aley


Autor's Note: This was written for a challenge/prompt with She Will Be Loved Maroon 5 as the prompt/challenge.

Warning: Alternate Sexualities involved.

***

This storm was moving slow as a snail across the state. I had to keep my eyes on the road as I hopped down the freeway to get to her house faster than the pelting rain. I knew how upset she'd be if she had to come out in the heavy stuff. I idly flipped through the radio stations on my '98 Monte Carlo. My eyes traced the yellow line speeding past.

 

Today would be fun if the rain would stay light enough to let us get inside without too much damage. I was wearing a frilly blouse for her, not that she would really care, and some tight pants. Still, it felt good to dress up. I flicked my wipers on low, letting the rain drizzle down for a while before they wiped it clean. Just like I thought, the storm wasn't here yet. We were supposed to go out to the movies tonight, but I was going to try to convince her to come back to my place and watch a movie. She couldn't honestly want to see that chick flick, could she? Maybe I could persuade to come over with one of her old favorites.

 

I sighed and turned up the radio as it played a song I didn't recognize. My brain muddled with giddiness as I steadied the wheel in my hands and departed from the freeway about ten miles away. It wasn't that far. She always thought it was far, but I could make the trip any time I wanted. I hooked a few corners into the apartment complex and shut off the engine pulling out my phone, as my feet went through the motions.

 

I texted her, i'm here

 

She'd be out in a few minutes. I waited on the corner, parked like a black panther waiting to pounce. I chuckled at the passing thought. She'd hate me if I told her how giddy it made me to just stare at the door. I turned down the radio and caught sight of the mess in the seat she was supposed to sit in. A frown marred my features and I began picking up my text books dumping them in the back bench seat. I hardly got the pop cans up and in the back, before I caught sight of a light flashing across my parif. 

 

There she was. She held an umbrella over her head as that crazy-tight, yellow, slip dress clung to her curves. I had to swallow back my awe as she smiled so bright it wasn't raining at all in my eyes. Thank god she wasn't in the car yet. Composing myself, I leaned way over to the far side and pushed the door open for her with some effort. My daily stretches, such a pain sometimes, but for her, hey, it was worth the few seconds of uneasy leaning.

 

She hopped in the car without even attempting to pull the stuck handle open and sat down with her back to me. I smiled as I turned the beast on. She shook out the umbrella, which hid her from the rain so loyally, and tucked it inside while the door thumped shut with the confidence of an anvil. I pulled out as she shoved the seat belt into its sheath.

 

"So, how's it going?" I almost didn't want to hear the answer, but I had to ask and see if it was what I thought.

 

Oh, you know, This guy I'm seeing is so boring, I can barely think about him without you on my mind. I flushed at my own thoughts.

 

"Oh, you know." She shrugged as she folded her hands in her lap. She had new nail polish on, a hot pink.

 

"Not going to explain?" I questioned as I pulled out into the storm.

 

She looked at her nails idly instead of watching the road. "I'm happy with him, he's always there for me, but something's missing."

 

I couldn't hold back a scoff. Sure, something was missing. "Maybe you've just come out of the honeymoon period," I offered considering how best to go about this without seeming selfish.

 

She looked towards me with those knowing brown eyes. Her look said it all and I sighed keeping my eyes on the road.

 

"I don't know why you two like me. I mean, I'm not that great," she whispered to herself.

 

"If you keep that up I'm going to take you back to my apartment for a night of ice cream and chick flicks," even if you don't keep that up, I might go that way anyway. My exit was coming up though and the theater wasn't.

 

"I think I might have to keep it up then. I'm not sure I really want to face the world today," she brushed off something from her barely covered knees. Those long legs of hers begged for me to look at them, but I had to keep my eyes on this jerk in front of me going 12 in a 35 because he'd never seen rain before.

 

"Nah, I wouldn't mind." Finally I could turn onto the freeway. Just a few minutes and we'd be snuggled up in bed with the lights off watching that dinky little TV I could have from my parent's place when they upgraded. 

 

"Really? You wouldn't mind? I'm constantly eating through your ice cream."

 

"Seriously, I don't want to see this flick anyway. I'd rather go with some good old classics, you know?" oh if only she knew how classic I wanted to go.

 

She was quiet at that. I glanced over to make sure she hadn't jumped out of my car. 

 

The rain was heavier as we pulled up to my apartment complex. I pulled in to a parking spot and we got out in unison, just like we always did. She popped open her umbrella and headed up the steps like a depression induced haze. I was soaked like a cotton blanket hanging out from a wash. I dragged after her, trying to fight off the need to sneeze.

 

She drew up, and up the stairs as we circled out towards the rain in the exposed stairwell, then back into the safety of the building. She didn't look back.

 

"Hey!" I called out as we reached my landing. "Hey, is everything okay?" I asked softly as I shuffled my keys over to the monkey covered deadbolt and got a look at her face. She wasn't crying. "What's wrong, huh?" I asked as I pushed open the door and stretched out my arm to hold it open as she passed under my arm.

 

"It's nothing, I just-" she winced and pulled off her fancy white high heels. She set them aside standing flatfooted on my welcome mat. "I just don't know, you know?" she asked cautiously. "It's so hard sometimes and all he can do is just say that he believes in me. I don't think he understands me like you do." She reached out and gently touched my hand.

 

I flushed like a cherry and stared at her with wide eyes. Thank god I'm not a male or I would have been sporting more than a tent. I was hot as I watched her in wonder. "Are you saying-" Chills rand down my spine towards my toes like tickles of delight.

 

Her back was to me before my eyes stopped seeing her face. She walked into the kitchen like I had shot her foot. She ignored me in favor of digging in my fridge. "Hey! You stocked Mackinaw Island Fudge again! This stuff is so good. You haven't had it in what, three years? Why'd you get it?"

 

"I was thinking of you," I said quietly as I stared at the open kitchen door, dripping on my matt. I pulled off my shoes finally and followed her into the kitchen. She already was spooning out two bowls of ice cream. "I know it's your favorite and I figured it was about time for you to upgrade." 

 

She gave me that look again. 

 

I smirked in satisfaction and snagged the bowl from the counter turning my back on her again sticking the spoon in my mouth as I spoke. "So are you going to call him tonight or tomorrow?" I held open the kitchen door, even though it didn't fall shut naturally. I just wanted to smell her pretty perfume.

 

"I think I'll call him tomorrow. It seems wrong to call him from here."

 

"You want to stay the night?" I asked with hope swelling my chest. I swear I felt like I grew three inches as I watched her hips swish to and fro as she swayed through my living room towards my bed.

 

"Nah, I'll go home to sleep. My parents might start thinking I like you if I stay over." My chest peeled like a tomato boiled and cooled.

 

Ah but she was such a pretty sight. I padded after her and caught her up in a hug, warping my arm around her cute little waist, feeling her back press against my chest, and smelling that exotic perfume she snagged from the store last time we were there. I couldn't help but do my best to mold myself to her. "I'm glad you came."

 

Then it was over. We watched a movie tucked together on my bed, barely touching, and noshing on ice cream. She couldn't stop talking about the way the main character was an idiot, and I couldn't stop thinking about her.

 

I pulled up to her apartment around midnight. "Go in and get some sleep. I'll see you..."

 

"I'll text you," she offered and pulled on the handle pushing the door. It didn't budge. "Man, you really have to get this fixed."

 

"Eh, it keeps you in here longer," I teased her with a smile.

 

She shot me a smile over her shoulder that dared me to get any closer than that and she would have my head, or my heart, on a stick. The door unstuck and she nearly tumbled out. It flopped open like a heavy coat flapped in the wind. "Finally! I swear this car will be the death of me one day."

 

"I'll stop driving it before then, I'm sure," I told her with a serious face.

 

She smiled in and snagged her umbrella giving me a nice view of her chest. "I'll talk to you later. Text me when you get home."

 

"Sure thing, baby doll," I teased her with a smile.

 

"Oh, shut up!  Hot Sauce, I should take you to Taco Bell," she played along with a smile. The door slapped shut with a resounding thump and I watched her head inside.

 

***

 

I thought it was leaves hitting my window, or branches. I couldn't shake the sound of a thunk against it as something heavier struck the glass. Finally I had to look. It was dark outside and I had been working on my computer across the room from my window when I heard it first. It was so light I brushed it off. It sounded like it belonged in the rain.

 

It had happened again only 3 minutes later, and then 3 minutes after that, I had been watching the time. Then at :29, it happened again, but this one was considerably stronger. I shot up out of my chair and rounded on the window staring out into the blackness, but it was too rain covered to see. I flipped on the light switch by the door and grabbed a flashlight. Heading over to the window, I shined my beacon of sanity down at the ground looking for what might have caused the noise.

 

Nothing.

 

I felt like that dude from The Raven by Poe as my door began to give a tapping. This was consistent though, and definitely a tapping. Testing the weight of my flashlight, I thanked my dad eternally for providing me with such a good tool for sight and protection, then pulled open my door.

 

Standing there was a goddess in disguise. She was soaked from head to foot, red eyed, and dripping with snot, rain, and pain. Still, she was beautiful, her soft face that made me want to tell Monro she was lacking, and her tall, but easy form that made Twiggie seem to dine too light. Nothing could be better than staring at her, crying or not, but she was crying.

 

"Come inside and get dried off," I welcomed almost too eagerly. I took her arm and gently pulled her into my home, onto my welcome mat. She shed her shoes and then her coat, then came the gloves and her hat. I wish she'd gone further, but she trailed through, pulling off her stockings, and vanished into my bathroom.

 

The shower turned on. I smiled and put her clothes in the dryer by the window. It only took me a few minutes picking out a heavy sweater and some pants for her to wear before I snuck into the bathroom and traded her wet, soaked through to her under-garments, clothes for the dry ones. She'd just have to go commando.

 

When she came out, her eyes were bloodshot and she was rubbing at them. I sat in my kitchen on a stool by the counter with a bowl of ice cream and a spoon in my hand. I pointed at her with it and spoke carefully, "You're going to tell me what's going on little missy. Then we're going to laugh, smile, and have a grand old time."

 

She cracked a smile. "I'm sorry Jade, I didn't know where to go. I couldn't go home crying like this. My dad would get his gun. You know how protective he is over me. He'd jump to conclusions and I'd be put in an all-female school half way across the country before tomorrow morning came."

 

"Or he might get used to the idea that you'll be dating and you'll be getting hurt. You never know."

 

She sighed and whipped away her tears again walking over to her stool. She plopped down on it in the least graceful fashion I had seen her in a while. I smiled and brushed my shoulder against her's. "Come on buck up or I'll get the Nerf guns out."

 

She laughed for real this time and smiled. "You are so weird sometimes."

 

I bit back a frown and smiled at her. "Let's play dress up then. Stay for the night and we'll go tomorrow morning. It'll be Sunday after all and my work's closed on Sunday still."

 

"It's really funny they're such a terrible business model, closing once a week."

 

I shrugged and ate my ice cream. "It's really useful for me, so I don't complain. Do you want to complain? You'd cause a national uproar you know," I warned her gently.

 

The princess sighed and munched on her ice cream putting her spoon in her mouth and just suckling on it like had some secret comfort. "Hyme," she said with a nod.

 

"Fine? Good," I sat back on my stool holding my bowl in one of my large hands and the spoon in the other, balancing like a bear would sit on its butt to paw at the air. "Now then, don't go crazy on me. Just tell me what happened."

 

"Well, its over," she remarked quietly.

 

I laughed and shook my head, "You didn't need to tell me that part." I ruffled up her wet hair and she pawed my hand away before scooping out some more ice cream to roll over her lovely pink tongue.

 

She smiled blankly at the fake marble in front of us. "I called him up and told him that I wanted to break up. He was mad, but not pissed and I think that's what hurt the most." She took a slow breath and munched on her ice cream.

 

"If you keep this up I'm going to end up with pneumonia," I mused out loud.

 

She shot me a small smile and we munched in silence.

 

The silence dragged over us for a while as we finished our ice cream. I stood up, quiet as I could not wanting to break her trance. She held her breath and shut her eyes tight as I gently pulled her bowl from her hand.

 

"Oh fuck it!" I heard her exclaim.

 

She launched off the stool knocking it over as she caught me around the waist. I tensed up nearly falling backwards myself. My stretches must have been doing me some good, because I stayed upright, somehow. She clutched my waist burying her head against my breast as my arms were up towards the dim ceiling fan. Slowly, I let them down, bowls in hand, and hugged her back. 

 

"I give up! I can't play this game anymore, I yield."

 

My eyes fell shut in relief. "I love you." I whispered to her, still afraid that she was lying and would close back off. My chest pounded harder than a train tempting the rails.

 

"I know." she whispered back, her arms letting go to a gentle pressure. I pulled her closer, bowls and all, and tucked my head against hers. 

 

"Don't you go running away again to Snake Ridge either, because I know you hide there."

 

She laughed in earnest finally. It rippled across my frame, a warm breeze flashing through the atmosphere. "Alright."

 

"And don't hide from me in your house, because you know I'll stake the place out again if you do," I badgered her as giddy excitement swelled through my mouth like how she could never stop eating my ear off.

 

She laughed harder and tears began to fall from her eyes, wetting my chest as we stood there in the kitchen. I waddled her over to the sink and put down the bowls before taking her completely in my arms and giving her a nice tight hug. "Let's go get some sleep."


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Thu Oct 16, 2014 6:15 pm
bashland wrote a review...



Hey there pretty girl,
I promise I will do my best to review with a minimum of bias and keep my flattery to a minimum. That being said, let's take a look at this piece. I enjoyed your explanations of scenery, clothing and other visual props throughout. After the 'tight yellow dress' line, I was fully pulled into the story. That in particular, along with the rain, pictured a vivid enough mental image for me to want to know where the story was going. This interest had a lot to do with the fact that I like boobs and girls and girls that like girls, but still. If it works, go with it.
Speaking of which, the build-up of tension between these two characters is so well done it's almost palpable. Having a view of one girl's thoughts as well, adding the "Does she, doesn't she?" dynamic makes the first half quite a compelling read. Your teaser line 'warning' pretty well foreshadows the concept that they do end up with each other.
The only time the flow breaks is with some sentences that feel clunky. As an example, just because it's right here in front of me:
"I badgered her as giddy excitement swelled through my mouth like how she could never stop eating my ear off."
Run-on sentence that was supposed to be two? I'm not really sure. The 'like how' simile seems weirdly out of place to my eyes. The other one that still confuses me is "My chest peeled like a tomato boiled and cooled." Especially with the tomato reference, my mind is now picturing a particularly uncomfortable boob sunburn. Is this missing a crucial comma, perhaps? It does create a vivid mental image, and I can guess where you meant it to go with the beforehand description of emotions, but the two conflict.
I would enjoy reading more of these characters, but doubt an expansion to this story will happen.




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Sun Jan 26, 2014 4:11 pm
ladcat13 wrote a review...



I really like this piece, Aley! You did a great job of portraying this kind of relationship without being overly positive or overly negative about it. Well done! There's a few typos in there somewhere, if you read through you'll find them easy enough. I'm just too lazy to go back and pick them all out : P . Anyway, I want to congratulate you on your descriptions of things; not to flowery, gradual exposition, but still informative enough that I could paint a mental picture. I like how it ended; there was a little twist in there that I didn't expect: I thought that the narrator would make the first move, instead of the other way around. Great job switching it up and keeping the reader on their toes! I can't really find any major flaws at all, so all I can say is that this is a great story, and as always, keep writing!




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Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:59 am
Trident wrote a review...



Hi Aley, my thoughts:

Firstly, please don't ever apologize or feel like you have to "warn" people about "alternative" sexualities. There may need to be a warning about sexual content in general, but human sexual behavior is human sexual behavior. I don't really think there is anything alternative about it.

Okay, now that I've stepped off my soapbox, I can get to the more proper criticisms. I think you really do have a great bit of tension built up between these two characters. It's extremely pronounced and is present over everything, which is a good thing I would say. The inclusion of the third wheel only builds on that. What I think you could do more is build up the man's personality, even if it is to demonize him. He's just this blank sheet of paper right now, and in some ways I feel sorry for him. He could be a good guy or this huge jerk. We just don't know enough.

The dance of Romance

I know this is Romance and everything and I know that that genre has certain conventions that its adherents tend to follow, but please rewrite some of those sexual scenes. It's just too much for me to bear. And certainly is has nothing to do with the lesbianism, but it just has everything to do with this pulpy, cliched "electricity through my body" stuff that grows so old so fast. I think we can tell Jade's excitement without her informing us of every little jolt that runs through her being.

Lastly, I think we need a little more to connect these two than ice cream. And if that is what you really want to make the ultimate connection, it has to be more involved and romantic and cute than just serving and eating it. At least have some sort of special flavor that reminds the couple of a special time they had. Or maybe some little scene where it spills. Something. I just don't think the bowl scene will cut it.

Speaking of cutting things, this piece could use some serious trimming of unnecessary fat. There are some inner thoughts that I felt didn't need to be thought. There were some lines of dialog that served little purpose. Cut out all of that stuff and you'll have a nice tight story here.




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Sat Feb 02, 2013 4:28 am
Kale wrote a review...



Oh hello there Aley. I don't think I've had the pleasure of actually reviewing a piece of yours yet (I think we agree the fanfic opinion giving thing doesn't count). So here I go~

I had to keep my eyes on the road as I hopped down the freeway to get to her house faster than the pelting rain.

Looking at this sentence by itself, it doesn't seem as bad as I thought, but in-context, that was a lot of I condensed in one space, and it felt repetitious to the point of being redundant. As it stands, this sentence still feels too long and droning with how it just goes on and on, tacking on phrase after phrase onto the end until you get to the rain. I'd recommend condensing this sentence, as right now, you've got two mentions of some form of roadway right next to each other, and you can combine them into one much less repetitious "I had to keep my eyes on the freeway".

Speaking of repetition, this first paragraph is incredibly "I [verb]" heavy, and while you have plenty of variety in the rest of the piece, you really don't have much in this first paragraph. Add some. The repetitious structure really makes this paragraph look not-great, which is a same because the rest of this is so good.

I hooked a few corners into the apartment complex and shut off the engine(comma) pulling out my phone, as my feet went through the motions.

You have quite a few missing commas throughout this, as well as a few misspelled words, and they really stuck out to me, which is a shame, because they were really distracting. You also had some issues with the dialogue and action tag punctuation things, which weren't as distracting as the missing commas and misspellings, but you should also fix those things up as well. This article might be helpful.

Overall, this was really well-written. The descriptions really added a lot of character to this and the narrator, and the pacing was spot on. You really do need to go through and weed out all the little grammar errors though, as they seriously distract from this piece overall. But otherwise, I don't have much else to say aside from I really enjoyed reading this, which isn't something I say often.





Life's short; smile while you still have teeth.
— Tuesday