Young Writers Society

Hey there, CM!

I'm going to do a quick review. I'll start with some technical things that stood out to me. Next I'll touch on characterization. I'll especially touch on motivation, ticks, and dialog. I hope my review helps!

Evan said it then turned away,

How did he say it? This is an instant where a dialog tag will add a lot of emphasis to what your character said. Did he spit the words at him? Did his voice almost trail off, as regret sunk in? Those details will add a lot to the dialog in your story.

I turned sharply towards him.

'sharply' doesn't really seem like a fitting word here. How does one turn sharply? I think something like 'abruptly' could be more effective.

Caitlin, twelve, David, 14 and the bully, Alec, who was 17. Rachael and Jeff where ok but they weren't great to me.

You started off writing your numbers as words, (twelve), and then you shift to writing them in numerical form. Be sure you keep your numbers consistent, so if you start with words for numbers, keep it that way.

The car is probably gone by now"

You need punctuation at the end of dialog. If it were just a word, like this: "word", it's not necessary to use punctuation. At the end of dialog, it is required.

Evan sensed my mood and we walked in silence till we came to the apartment he shared with his dad.

"till" should but "'til" or "until".

Super cool and nice to Evan. The apartment block was ugly, modern. But the inside of there apartment was comfy and cool.

There are two fragments right in a row right here. The last two could actually be one sentence, and that would sound awesome. The first one could then be left a fragment. As I've ranted a million times before, fragments are starting to become acceptable in fiction writing, when they are used for effect. But still, it's always best to use them sparingly.

And then that god awful day when the police had come...

"come" should be "came".

My face hardened, I wasn't letting her see weak in me.

Weakness, just a little typo.

Call when your ready."

"you're"

As I stood a few inches taller than her I tried to impress my height.

I think 'impose' would work better in place of 'impress'. Impose would imply he is trying to gain some leverage in the conversation, impress makes me think of impressing an idea into memory.

You can help me I know you can."

There should be a comma between 'me' and 'I'.

One word shone it like ice.

The 'it' should be removed.

Characterization

Your character has a good motivation, but we don't have much background as to why he is searching for the green car. We're kind of tossed in the middle, a little bit more background to your story would emphasize the motivation and make your character feel more realistic.

I enjoyed your character's tick! Focusing on the sound of his shoes when he is walking, in order to stay focused, is a nice touch.

Your character's dialog didn't feel too realistic at times. Why was he so mad at the girl who was trying to help him? He shouldn't be so brusque to the person who has info that's going to help him on his hunt. It seems to me he would be desperate.

You have a lot going for this story. Keep up the good work, and always keep honing your skills. If you have any questions about anything I've brought up in this review, feel free to PM me. Good luck, and keep writing!

Hey cm57105!

I really enjoyed reading this. It's a little short in length, but you successfully cover the important points of a good beginning. You've introduced a protagonist and his motivation which is *really* good. I read a lot of opening chapters on the site where writers haven't grasped these concepts, so this is great to see.

I do, however, have a few points of constructive criticism. I think that maybe you overload the reader with names a bit at the beginning. I understand that both Evan and Caleb are going to be important in the story, but maybe we don't need to know the names of their siblings and parents just yet? It feels like there might be a quiz at the end of the chapter on the names (because mentioning them makes them feel like they need to be remembered).

I think it would be a bit better to develop the main characters some more, like Evan and Caleb and also this mystery girl who appears on the scene. I think the conversation between Evan and Caleb is a little brief at the start. Maybe there is more for them to talk about or spend a bit more time arguing over the situation.

The only other thing I can really say is that there were a few typos in the piece. This could be easily corrected if you go back and read the piece to yourself aloud. For some reason this technique helps you to spot little mistakes in wording and you'll be able to correct the few mistakes like that.

Other than this, keep writing. It's good to see well-written work in the literary area. If you post another part of this story then I'd be happy to read it and maybe review that too!