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Madness

by cm57105


I laugh,
The giggles coming uncontrollably,
And you look at me.
Horror and pity echoed on every line.
 
But I continue to laugh.
The chain that restrained me to the wall,
Scraping raw against my wrist.
 
Yet you continue to look at me.
 
A growl,
Low and guttural,
Slips out and I grin as you jump.
 
You look at me,
Conveying everything in one glance.
Fear, pain, horror and anger.
And the question:
 
Why?
 


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Sat Feb 02, 2013 4:10 am
Hannah wrote a review...



I like that even though there are barely any images in this piece, the ones that are here are clear and striking. The rawness on her wrists and the attempt at describing the look on the watcher's face paint a very intense second in time between these two characters.

The main weaknesses are the way you use words and the lack of real material. Like I said, this is a description of a single second in time: two gestures and positions in space, and a sound. There's no motive, no plot, no resolution, no movement, and because of this it's not a poem I'm likely to remember. It doesn't change the way I think about anything. It doesn't evoke an emotion in me. I just see something clearly, and quickly it's gone. Do you want to do more than that?

First, to evoke a tone/emotion, you would do well to make sure every word of the poem feeds into that tone. That means the "giggles" in your first stanza is completely out of place. Giggles come from happy little girls, and although later it might be awesome to put that word in to jar the reader into a contrasting image, putting it so close to the introduction of the poem and tone just seems sloppy.

Did you notice that you used "continue to" twice in your poem? Why not just use the base verbs? What does that phrase do that the verbs don't? I don't think it does anything.

Now I'll just point out some awkward phrasings!

Horror and pity echoed on every line.


Every line of what?

Slips out and I grin as you jump.


You'll need a comma between out and and, since the subject of the second independent clause (I grin as you jump) is different from the first (A growl, low and guttural, slips out).

Give this more thought, more time, more image, and more direction to make it last. If you're fine with it being a moment of imagery and nothing more, then you're fine, but if you want to push it further, do your best and keep it all in tone together.

PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review, please.

Good luck, and keep writing!




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Mon Jan 28, 2013 9:59 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello, it's very nice to meet you! I'm rather intrigued by poems that follow the theme of insanity so I thought I'd check this out and I'm very glad I did :)

Specifics

1. I'm not sure about your second line as 'uncontrollably' is a bit bulky and not a very strong adjective. I'd rather see you use a metaphor here to describe the laughter, or a simile. It's an important trait of madness so don't be afraid to spend a little time on it!

2. I think if you change the order of the words around a little in the last line, it would be more effective. Like, how about: 'echoes of horror and pity on every line'. That gives you a more explosive start to the line and centres pity so that it peeks somewhere around the middle which gives it a pretty cool rhythm. Sometimes if you just play with the words you've got and move them around, you'll find they work better in different positions.

3. Oh- the mad person has gotten free? I'm surprised that the 'you' isn't running then, or- are they still chained up? The use of restrained instead of restrains suggests the chain is no longer attached to the wall? If that's the case, I feel there should be a little more panic!

Overall

I like the ending and I like that you end with that question but I wish you could have covered a bit more first. There's a lot more to madness than just laughing and grinning. I would have liked to see some of the other stages. The quieter, more deceptive stage or the stage where they inflict self harm. It would have been good to see more emotions in this piece and a stronger build of atmosphere, with the tempo alternating between fast and slow. I realise this is a lot to take in, sorry! But what I mean is, why not have some longer, descriptive lines where the persona has calmed down and is observing in high detail their surroundings and this 'you'. And through a use of abstract descriptions, you would be able to continue portraying madness while in a quieter tone. Then the lines could suddenly get fast and short again as the persona dips into another stage?

All in all, I like this, but I feel the subject has a lot of untapped potential!

Thanks for the read,

Heather xxx




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Mon Jan 28, 2013 3:02 pm
Panda11 says...



I LOOOVVVVVVEEEE'D it!! i dont know what thar is too review!





"The day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein