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Young Writers Society



The Journey to Nevercross Chapter o3

by AwesomeSauce


Neon is now being escorted back to the castle, it quite a long way from the village then you may seem. It’s set on top of a hill, a rather large one to us Frey. To you, it may not seem like such a big deal, but to us Frey it’s quite a large hill. The green grass stands out, now doesn’t it? This is because the Earth Frey is nourishing it every second of the day. To you this may seem rather ridiculous, but to us it is important to do so.

Now, let me take you up this hill. The Flower Fairies below are offering you flower chains and wrist bands as an offering for entering at the front gate. However, I must drag you along as we near the entrance. However, you may notice Kelpie’s guarding the entrance of the castle. Do not be alarmed though, or they will start beginning to chase you out of Tinsel.

As they let us through, you enter the castle. You humans may have seen the indoors of this place, but you have not seen the outdoors. To you left, you may see a Gnome building a new stable for the bees. Stop staring; I want to show you something on your right. The elves are making a maze. Interesting, isn’t it? It’s going to be in the form of our mark of Frey. Like a crescent shape with a star in the middle.

Hurry up; I have to show you to where Neon is before I leave you yet again. We’re now in the throne room once more, everything still the same as the last time, except that now Neon’s mother, Jinx is here. Jinx is the Queen of Tinsel, and she is tremendously nice, the fairest in the land. She used to be a commoner before she met Axel, the King. Isn’t she fair? Although, she is extremely wise, so it’s up to you what you choose to believe in.

Oh no, Neon is coming, I hear her rampaging though the castle. I must go now; I’ll be meeting up with you very shortly.

I run towards the throne room, my feet meeting with the ground as I did so. I’m so late, my mother was expecting me to be there a few minutes ago, yet I’m not. Hugo decided to take me on a detour back to the castle, which was nice in one way, but bad in another. Hey, why are the doors open again? I could’ve sworn I closed them when I came to the room when father was here. Oh, but it doesn’t matter now, I’m late.

I spot my mother, staring out the window as she smiles at the town below her, and ran towards her, huffing. That was a long run, and I think my dress is a little wrinkled because of it. Mother hates it when my silks are all wrinkled, so I try to not to get them wrinkled. Alas though, I did it again. I wonder what she’ll say.

I tap her on the shoulder, and her expression just dropped. She’s either depressed or annoyed, but I cannot tell. I wave, “Hey, mother.”

She sighs, “What did you do to your dress?”

“I…Ugh…Ran here?” She’s annoyed.

“I told you not to run in silk dresses, child. It’ll ruin them!” She starts to fix my dress, chuckling, “Wasps again, huh?”

I sigh, “I’m not too sure where they came from though, it was so bizarre, mother.”

“I know. Still, at least they didn’t come at the night, otherwise I’ll be very annoyed at you for missing your sisters crowning.”

I groan, “Why do I have to come anyway?! I don’t want to see her get crowned queen!”

“Ah, she’s not becoming queen; she’s becoming the ruler of Tinsel.” She straightens my dress, standing, “I don’t see what your problem is about being royal, dear.”

I sigh, slumping into my chair, “Why do I have to be royal and stupid for? I wanna be something worthwhile, mother! I wanna do something that involves saving us Frey from harm, like a guard or a warrior!”

She raises a brow, “A warrior?”

“Yeah!” She sighs and moves towards the door, and I follow, “Why not, mother?! A girl Frey can do what men Frey can! Hugo does a girl Frey’s job and he’s fine!”

“Firstly, Hugo is a Butler, not a Lady In Waiting. Big difference, child.” She chuckles, “And I don’t believe your father will approve.”

“But mother…”

“No buts, Neon. Now, get cleaned up and get ready, the ball is soon…” The door shut.

Why must no one listen to me? I really want to be a warrior, not a stupid princess that get pampered every second of the daylight. It’s not fair, the commoners get to choose in what they would like to be, while us royals have no choice. I want to do what I want, not what father wants me to be. Why must this be?

I might as well get ready for the ball; it’s in a matter of an hour anyway.

As she gets ready for the ball, I’ll show you to where you may be for the ball. You, dear human, are invited as a special guest to this grand event, so please pay attention in where you are going. We are now going towards the ball room, and I believe the older princess is there.

Do you spot her? If you don’t she’s right in the corner, chatting away to her Lady In Waiting. Grand, isn’t she? Her name is Redia, and she’s the one that is becoming queen tonight. She’s a Dryad, and I know you humans find them very astonishing creatures. Her beauty is well known across the land, very well-known indeed. Her brunette hair seems to be flowing as the wind touches it. Let’s take a look at the people arriving.

It is nightfall, human, so do not scare the Frey. Now, take a look at the Frey entering and greeting one another here. Very pleasurable, isn’t it? I think I’ll go up and greet myself to some of my fellow friends here, so I am leaving you to tend to yourself. Don’t mess up now.

I enter the ball room, and immediately I’m greeted with dozen of eyes. Why are they staring at me for, they should be staring at Redia. Speaking of my sister, she seems to be lost with the guest, she’s laughing like it’s her last day in Tinsel. What a stupid Dryad she is, yet again, I’m a stupid pixie, so I’m not judging.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and I glance to see Hugo. At least he keeps me company throughout this ordeal.


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User avatar
378 Reviews


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Reviews: 378

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Sun Feb 03, 2013 7:55 am
Omni wrote a review...



Here to review once again!

My name is Omniyus, and once more I will be reviewing your work!

it quite a long way from the village then you may seem.


This sentence confuses me. I don't know if you seem is good wording. I think you may think is better than that.

Once again, like the last chapter, you had repetition. Instead, this one is at the beginning of the chapter.

I like the narrator and how she is scared of the MC, like she knows something that we don't. The narrator certainly describes the MC like she is a horrendous monster than we should all be fearing.

I have to say. You do end these chapters strangely. It fits your writing style, but still, it is, somewhat weird.

Once again, the MC acts very rude and arrogant to all the people she comes across, with the exception of Hugo. I wonder if the narrator and the MC ever meet.

Time to start on your next chapter!

Good luck
Omniyus




AwesomeSauce says...


:D Thanks!



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197 Reviews


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Fri Jan 11, 2013 1:28 pm
Lycando wrote a review...



Hey there!

Since I've read the past two chapters, I'll read this too!

I like it that you start of this chapter with the mysterious voice. I really does hope, as in previous, that I will see this character being revealed as part of the main story. Right now this mysterious character just seems to be bringing the reader to a first person's point of view. I like this unique way of introducing the reader to the setting, and I like it that this character seems to fear Neon, and the narration gets cut off pretty abruptly there.

Now on to the actual story. It's similar to the other chapters. You go scene by scene per chapter and the dialogue usually takes part in unfolding the story. While it's good to have good dialogue, it's also good to have some actual description. The only time when I actually see the setting is during the voice part. I want to see the place through Neon's eyes, I want to see Neon actually doing things instead of just thinking. Most of her part is just her thoughts and dialogue.

The whole story seems to be pretty fast paced. The description for each part is pretty short, and I don't see much action from Neon's POV. Instead of just writing about her thoughts. Write about what she's actually doing, I want to see her in action. Have less of the voice part and more of the Neon part. After all Neon is the main character isn't she? One suggestion here would be to either cut down on the reader being in the story or even introduce the mysterious character.

Overall, it's a good plot so far, but the actual conflict hasn't seemed to take place yet. Don't drag the story on for too long, and get the story into the exciting parts within the first few chapters. Don't let the reader get tired seeing the same things over and over again and add a twist if needed.

Hope my review helped!




AwesomeSauce says...


Thanks!




I’d heard he had started a fistfight in one of the seedier local taverns because someone had insisted on saying the word “utilize” instead of “use".
— Patrick Rothfuss, A Wise Man's Fear