CHAPTER 1
We cannot be kind to each other here for even an hour. We whisper, and hint, and chuckle and grin at our brother's shame; however you take it we men are a little breed.
The sentence was engraved on the side of the wall like a tombstone, expect it looked even creepier, the cracked brick plastered with weeds and graffiti, it wasn't a hard wall, dug into the dirt, with the single sentence inked scantily on, the letters decaying after years. Amongst the weeds that shrouded the bottom was a single white rose.
The bustle of people and cars streamed down the narrow road opposite the brick wall. The pedestrians walking hurriedly in clean cut suits, following the cracked lines of the suburban town. Nobody noticed the girl standing in front of the wall, accompanied by a sullen looking black haired boy. She looked around the age of fifteen. She stood in front of the forlorn brick wall, her hair blowing astray from the wind, looking at the scrawled words with blue eyes like a dark winters night, her expression impossible to read.
The boy next to her had his hands shoved tight into a light leather jacket, his expression sullen under his frosty brown eyes. They could have been brother and sister for all anyone in the street would have guessed, the features showing of in the boys case high cheek bones and in the girls case a sharp pale nose, they where both beautiful. Angels from ancient paintings come to life.
There was something cold about both of those faces though, not quite like every body was beneath them but more they had long given up on others.
15 year old Phoenix Alyasan shifted her gaze from the brick wall to look at the passing pedestrians, did anyone notice the writing on the wall? None of them seemed to notice, walking by and by them as she stared at the lettering on the wall.
however you take it we men are a little breed
That is what it had said, scrawled in a suspicious red substance, it was clearly echoed on the wall, unnatural as it was, it was there. She turned around slowly, her fair hair, flicking out from the hood and landing on her shoulders, trying to study the passing people faces, even if they where in a hurry, someone just couldn't look up and glance at it? It wasn't everyday that you saw scrawled in bloodied ink a quote of Tennyson on your average wall.
She glanced over to Emmett, his expression unreadable as always.
"Emmett, do you see this?" Phoenix whispered in a hushed voice, glancing curiously into Emmets deep brown eyes.
"What?I don't see anything, all I know is that I have been staring at the back of a brick wall for the past five minutes." He replied in a huff, his eyebrows arching up.
" The writing, you know.." She said louder."We cannot be kind to each other here for even an hour. We whisper, and hint, and chuckle and grin at our brother's shame; however you take it we men are a little breed." Phoenix read, her eyes boring into Emmett's.
"No and we have to get back, Mr. Taunts assignment is due in tomorrow, no matter how crazy you get."'His mouth twitching up at the corner.
" Emmett, I am serious, stop kidding, it's right there." Phoenix replied reaching out to touch the spidery lettering. She let out a gasp, as her fingers came in contact to the red ink, it seemed to generate a current, electricity pulsing between her fingers.
What was it? A Tennyson quote, on the side of a brick wall? Although, it wasn't that unusual, what about no one seeing it?
" Look, just because the average boy does not read Tennyson, it does not mean they don't understand that your crazy". He said thoughtfully, and as an afterthought, "I am defiantly in that category."
Phoenix looked up into Emmetts big brown eyes. She was at lost to know how she had gotten him as a study partner, his cover boy black hair and glossy lips a commen daydreaming tool for girls in her year. But despite all of those things, he had chosen her, out of all of the eight hundred or so people in Auburn West Elementary. She wasn't obsessed with make up or boys. She liked writing, not exactly school athletic even though she excelled in sports beyond her year level.
When she was seven after she had come to her cousins house, she had come to understand that sometimes, life wasn't what you wanted it to be. A stony impasse followed, and she had kept it ever since.
" Come on, your tired, let's just go home." Emmett said turning away from Phoenix and fighting the surge of local men in suits. She followed after a moments hesitation and quickly caught up with Emmett, his stark black hair standing out from ten meters away.
Phoenix shook her head slightly, nothing had happened, nothing at all, but then why was she so worried? She smirked, as she caught up with Emmett, the quote slowly disappearing from her thoughts as she chatted with Emmett, passing the numerous shops that lined the street.
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The corner of the sloping brick drive was all she could see as she hurried around the corner, her white sneakers thudding against the dusty red rock with each step she took. The small path was rocky, abandoned and filled with weeds, it was the only place of solitude she could could get.
It was a small way off the paved road that was bustling with cars and people, the smell of smoke and dirt lively among the air, no matter how lovely Maine was supposed to be, there would always be cars. 15 year old Phoenix hated going down there, men in suits, woman with prams, cars, cars and cars. No, she liked going down here perching on a rock and listening to the creek trickling its fresh water, or the beautiful chirp of the birds.
Yes, she liked listening to the birds, there carefree songs, echoing around the small path,
Phoenix frowned, she had forgotten to bring her leather clad notebook, the soft black leather, wrapping around the age stained pages, filled with intricate drawings of the mechanisms of the birds wing and complicated drawings of the birds beautiful appearance, it was her most prized possession. She would spend hours at a time perched on the rocky out crop that stood at the edge of the small creek, making endless notes and brainstorms on the birds nature.
It left her focused on her task, her mind in its favorite place.
Now as Phoenix scrambled over the low riding rocks, her mind was elsewhere, the Tennyson quotes having resurfaced from her mind after Emmett had left, she wore a permanent crease on her forehead as she hurried along the path. She was familiar with Tennyson, having read the same quote from a recent book, Phoenix was puzzled, why on earth would there be a Tennyson quote on the wall? And the quote itself, out of all of Tennyson's work, it had to be that one?
No, that wasn't really what she was anxious about, why did no one see it? It was all good and well that there was a Tennyson quote on the wall, but it wasn't exactly normal that people couldn't see it. The electric feel on her fingers when she touched it, that wasn't normal, something bad was on that wall, even Emmett couldn't see it.
She couldn't help thinking about it, the pure abnormality of it, no one seeing it and of course the electric feel.
We cannot be kind to each other here for even an hour. We whisper, and hint, and chuckle and grin at our brother's shame; however you take it we men are a little breed.
Phoenix tried to focus on her way home as she clambered past the corner in the road.
Phoenix lived with her cousins, Dale and Maia and the kids Thomas and Elena. Thomas was two years older then her, 17, while Elena was 13. They lived in a medium sized suburban white wood house, with a modern twist to it that she appreciated, the low windows on her room made with glass, gave her an almost perfect view onto the lawn.
Phoenix bounded up the steps the verandah creaking beneath her feet.
The white door thudded softly against the hinge, the afternoon light flooding into the pale white hallway. Phoenix, walked forward slowly, the first door, a light brown color, fixed with a black handle made of something similar to brass. She opened it slowly, her head coming round the corner. Through the door Phoenix studied the marble top of the kitchen and the three high backed stools that stood against a modern breakfast bench, the room like everything else on the house, was a modern build, slanting windows, designer benches and tables following your every move.
With a tug at her jacket Phoenix realized that no one was home, the large bright house, seeming strangely empty once no one was there.
Dale was a firmly built middle aged man, and having gone into the plumbing business at a young age, he had stored up quite a lot of money, Maia having not to have to work, was quite and a home mum, whereas Dale was always out. She liked them, Dale was nice, supportive and Maia was always kind.
But Phoenix was distant to the others, she was quite and people tended to overlook her, just the way she liked it. So after coming here when she was only 6, she had been a quite and reserved member of the family.
She bounded up past the hallway, taking the carpeted stairs, two at a time, her feet making soft thudding noises as she reached the second floor. The hallway continued, the first room on the right was Thomas', the next Elena's again after that was a small bathroom, wedged in between the rooms. Against the far side of the hallway was the last door, exactly liked the rest with a cracked brass handle.
As the the last rooms door flew open, she slowly stepped inside, the walls bare and without mark like the rest of the room. The room was probably best described as a hospital bed, all starched white and folded corners, every bit tucked in. For all anyone would know, nobody lived here, the room showed no trace of personal belonging, a neat pile of books and drawings stacked on the far side of the room.
The bed had a soft, green linen, and liked everything else in the room, it looked like nobody lived there, the sheets tucked into every corner, the pillows stacked one after the other.
The window gave an almost perfect view outside, they lived in a small town called Auburn, a small town in Maine, where the weather was usually warm, today the sunlight cascaded into the bedroom, illuminating the pale walls and high windows.
But that wasn't the reason she had come down here.
Phoenix couldn't explain it, she had tried to explain it to Emmett, but he had threatened to swap study partners if she went all mumbo jumbo on him. No, she had to do it by herself, she knew what the Tennyson quote meant she had seen it somewhere.
She was pulled out if her musings as the loud echo of the front door opening reached her ears.
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Footsteps echoed from the front door as Phoenix, jumped up, startled. The small room spun as she got up quickly, the white door banging against its hinges as she exploded down the stairs, her feet pounding on the carpet.
No, Maia was in Canberra visits her sister Delilah, Dale was out at a meeting and Thomas and Elena where out at friends places.
Heavy boots sounded on the floor as she tumbled down the stairs, her feet skidding on the slippery carpet. As she reached the landing, a large crash resounded from the foyer, followed by the unmistakable tinkle of broken glass; a muttered groaning echoing from the hall. Whatever was down there had obviously broken something, probably a window form the sound of broken glass. Phoenix for once was scared, by the sound of it, Dracula was harvesting on human blood there, with Frankenstein and The Mummy on the sidelines watching.
As Phoenix reached the landing, she moved slower, passing the kitchen and bathroom, with care, broken glass littering the floor. The last corner to the front door, loomed larger than life as she finally reached it, her eyes darting like blue flames amongst the shattered glass. A barely audible gasp echoed from her mouth, as she rounded the corner, to whatever was waiting for her.
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A wave of what seemed to be red acid clung to Phoenix's skin as she stood shocked, her vision blurring from the red substance.
She studied whatever it was that stood at the front door, the white door having been smashed into pieces, she swore softly as her feet came in contact with more then enough of splinters. Her head was throbbing, her vision blurring, but through the haze was a creature, well if it was even best described as that anyway, with sick blue skin, cuts running like freckles across it's skin. It's face was almost like a humans, but like apes it had an animal quality about it, a jagged red line as a mouth and sharp dagger teeth. On top of it's head stood a mound of what looked like hair, stark black and like iron, never moving.
Whatever liquid had come on top of Phoenix was deadly, soaking painfully into her skin, ridding her eyes of vision and creating a numb feeling that spread down her arms.
I am going to die
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Hi cm! So, I thought that this was really interesting. I love the Tennyson quote that Phoenix can see on the wall. I thought that was a really good beginning. I also liked the descriptions that you used to describe the opening scene. I definitely had a good picture of what it looked like.
You should spell out fifteen instead of using the number. I noticed that you did this a few times.
I fixed a few minor issues with the punctuation here. Also, I think you meant "definitely," not "defiantly," right?
I'm not going to go through and nitpick all of the grammar right now, but you get the idea.
Do you see how long this sentence is? It could easily be broken into three separate sentences. You have a tendency to use these huge, meandering run-on sentences. I'm not sure if you're doing it intentionally and it's just part of your style, or not. Either way, all of the run-ons are incredibly distracting and some of them are hard to follow. They also slow the pacing of the story - something that you definitely want to avoid when you are writing an action story! You would improve the clarity a lot if you went through and broke some of those huge sentences up.
As far as the characters go, I'm confused about the relationship between Phoenix and Emmett. You say that they look like they could be siblings, but then they don't live together. I don't understand if they're supposed to just be friends or if they're related in some way. I'd also like to see more insight into Phoenix. You do a great job of describing her physical appearance, but we really don't know much about her character. It is only the first chapter, though.
I really did like this! I can't wait to see what happens with the creature, and how the quote on the wall plays into everything. Let me know if you post anymore.
Hope I helped!
Magnus
Thanks!
Thanks!