Young Writers Society

Nitpicks

The first line ends with "last time" and the second line starts with "the time". It's clunky and needs to change.

I don't really like the framing of the poem -- the "tell me our story" and "remind me of the day". For example, I'd prefer this for the second stanza:

the day we met in intensive care,
you brought withered jonquil blooms and laid them
by the falls of my chest where breaths were years between,
where the cool blue of blood had washed against skin.

alright so this is going to be a really cluttered and bad review.

I love how intimate this poem is. Very nice imagery, and +points for physics related imagery which is something I always dig because it's an interesting method of playing with the scale of certain feelings.

the last stanza is definitely my favourite. i think my only qualm with this poem might be your penultimate stanza, which is not as strong as the others. whereas in the other stanzas you have clear, precise images, i feel like you're trying too much to tackle the 'abstracts' of poetry there - love and loss etc. especially when you're using those words in that context - i'm sure you're already aware of abstracts and stuff but as a reminder, the readers have their own ideas of what 'love' and 'loss' are. it borders on cliche too - unless that is what was intended - with the 'sea of stars' image.

The whole nostalgic feel that comes off the poem is really well done, I get it the most from the talking through the string bit. Gah I don't really know what else to say apart from I think that you could have been more conservative with your words - i like the idea that poetry is about condensation, trying to craft this art out of as few words as possible. i think there's definitely some stuff you could cut and polish.

Overall, really well executed, you've got yourself a follower. Especially the physics imagery. Grrarr.

Lumibunny,

Why this works:
The tone is intimate and conversational. I feel the presence of the narrator whispering dreams as I lie in bed and curl up my legs. The perfect lullaby-poem, methinks. In the first stanza, you hook us in with the imperative there and string us along w/ childhood nostalgia Your imagery is on the ball ^_^ sho cwute. The second stanza almost makes me feel guilty for enjoying the first bit xD Like a sudden turn-around and we face more serious matter - but I like this - I like this a lot, actually. More nostalgia, more regret. Sadness :c

The last line is <3 Perfect way to go full circle, back to the beginning -- and bonus points because we were talking about orbits :3 I love when form meets content.

What it needs.
Cutting-down and a bit of polishing. Too much of a mouthful. Take liberties with your poetry. You can still accomplish cleaner, simpler lines and maintain your prose style. This is a suggestion of course. Little things like...

tell me our story one last time:
the time two blue stars crossed over the pacific,
and how they wouldn’t move until the tension broke below.

How do I review this? I want to frame it and hang it on my wall.

......and, since I have nothing else to say, I think I'll go visit the 0/1 review tabs. Nice job, Lumi! Oh, one thing: the way you view your work is, largely, a reflection on the way you view yourself. If you think you're worth something, you'll be much more likely to think your work is worth something.

If you can't believe you're worth something, believe that the time, the effort, the energy, and the skill--you are very skilled, no matter what you tell yourself--you've put into this is worth something.

Now excuse me while I go find a frame.

Hey, Lumeh!

Let's get straight to the review.

First Impressions

The first line of the poem gives it all away, really. I could automatically sense a poem about bonds and trust and heart-felt mutual feelings coming through. Not that it's a bad thing, but it sends me into that realm of familiarity of ideas and possible plots, most of which I've seen in poems similar to this. What sets this apart from the others, is not in the general flow of things like arrangement or structure or grammar or story or plot. It's in the delivery. The pure imagery of it all and the descriptive value that the piece has to offer. And that was more than pleasing to see.

On The Matter

You've maintained a constant relation with the astronomical and the emotional. And that is seen echoed almost throughout the poem. The only inconsistency was in the second stanza and so it felt as if something was amiss. And then it continues from the third stanza upto the very end, so that way, the second stanza seems like the odd one out.

Phrases like, 'breaths were years between' and 'gasps of space between i...' are very cool to read. But they occured at odd instances. Because in their respective stanzas, the narrator's way of talking shifts from being direct and simple with seemingly mundane/ordinary ('now remind me of the day we met...', 'i asked you to whisper...' etc.) sentences to being purely idiomatic/metaphorical ('...upon momentum, smoothed out and perplexed', '...drowning in the sea of stars and shuttles;' etc.) and filled with such interestingness. Out of personal taste, I would have liked to have seen just one way of speaking in the narrator's tone and not shifting from this to that. It would make the poem that much more impactful than it already is.

The last stanza has something great going on for itself. From the first line to the last, it was dripping with emotion and awesome description. The second line however, brought a little halt in there with 'smoothed'. Perhaps use some other word to texturize the feeling you wanted to express. Maybe 'silkened' or 'polished' (just to add to alliteration at the of the line, maybe?). The rest of those lines were excellent.

Final Words

There were some really interesting lines here and as I had mentioned before, there was power in the description and imagery. Free-verse isn't my most favourite form of poetry but it does sometimes help in the simplistic understanding of what's going on and you've used that to your advantage going free-style. Things like 'blue of blood', and 'leaukeran' were those little innocent hints at the conflicts that made the characters all the more connected to me as a reader.

This was a good read and carried out its portrayal nicely. I'd love to read more of what you've got. It's poems like these that make me want to write more free-verse and out-of-shell. Great job. And please, keep the ink flowing.

Murtuza

Here, finally! (Sorry it's been so long, had to saxophone.)

This is quite brill. I agree with most of what Walker said. She's right, one of your greatest strengths is your ability to think (relatively) long term. Seeing the whole piece right from the start, and still giving attention to detail.

The other thing I really dig is the repetition of motifs. Stars, the ocean, stories. I would have liked you to pick up either string or flowers and carry them, but to add to this would seem somewhat inappropriate.

the time two blue stars crossed over the pacific,
and how they wouldn’t move until the tension broke below.

I like how the poem is unique and metaphorical, but has a believable storyline to it. And the emotion in the last stanza was killer! It tied off the poem very well, but I felt as if it were missing something. I felt like there was supposed to be more. It's probably just me though.

The only nit picky spots I saw were pointless to point out. Because even if they weren't done on purpose, they just added to the poem's originality.

My favorite stanzas: tell me our story one last time:
the tale of how two downcast stars crossed over the pacific,
and how they wouldn’t move until the tension broke below.
there were two young boys playing on the shore,
saying, “i’ll hold this end. you talk through the string.
and wherever i go, i’ll hear you speaking to me.”

though it sounds sweet, those aren’t sentiments,
foreshadowing moments of two lives bound close.
stars may cross, but they seldom tie us together.

remind me about the day we met in intensive care,
how you brought withered jonquil blooms and laid them
by the falls of my chest where breaths were years between,
and pain held her thirst.
i asked you to whisper, imagining us lying in a library full
of pages of adventure, drowning in the sea of stars and shuttles;
and you, with your book of lyrics, full of love and loss.
and you read day in and day out through drops of morphine:

“our lives are compiled orbits, motion
fixed upon motion, smoothed out and perplexed
by the gasps of space between i
and love and you.”

It was beautiful. I give it a 5* rating!

keep it up!

w&w

That last stanza literally hurt my stomach. And I mean that in the best way possible. This poem has that ache that I can't get enough of and then doubles it over in a neat little box right at the end. One thing about you and about your poetry, love, is that you're so calculated. You knew exactly where you were going to take this and took it there. Perfectly.

Dear, those last two stanza's were killer. They were absolutely gorgeous.

The one thing I've noticed in your more recent poetry is that you're moving away from that prose-y nature you seemed to really favor. This has that free-versed nature of a raw poem while still containing that aesthetic integrity of something well-planned. But, instead of having this one or two facet's deep, you've managed three or four in that third stanza. The way the emotion of the moment mixed with the stars and the medical terminology all goes to prove you're an extremely talented poet.

The only thing that I found was a bit flawed within this was that second stanza. It seemed a bit... cheesy. Well, not cheesy. Cheesy's too strong a word. I would say a bit superficial till it runs its course by the third line. There's something in the way it was worried that felt extremely showy. Maybe because of the fact that it lacked the subtlety the rest of the poem had. You add in that last line about crossing stars that completely makes up for it, mind you, but those first two lines just seem odd in comparison with the rest of the poem.

Now, this does not detract from the original beauty of the first stanza and the extremely powerful last stanza. You're way with words is constantly astounding and beautiful. But mostly, I find the emotion in your work the hardest thing to swallow.

There is something very passionate in how you narrate, and how you speak of people. The last poem I critiqued did the same thing. You speak of ever person as if you're in love with them. Or in love with the idea of them, even if the topic is generally not about love. It's that passion, I think. That love of poetry. And whatever inspires you. Sometimes I think about what must be playing that muse of yours.

Whatever it is, we should tots share.

Nonetheless, you're a fantastic poet, and this was one of my favourites by far. Much love,
~ Walker