Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,560 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
woo, you were pushing this far too hard, lumi. some of it is brilliant and clear, but some of it is way too heavy handed and went beyond your reach. one too many times saying "whore"; one too many times saying "suicide". let 'em speak from their qualities, not from their names. you know the drill.
that said, here are the good things:
and that's all. what's the rest? where did it come from? if you're fighting me and saying NO those other parts were good!! tell me where they came from more clearly, and bring me THAT instead of these words distanced from whatever you meant.
get off of the "omg sex when i say sex it will be so edgy" and think about what sex really means to you. the bed shaking is most powerful when you hear it through the wall and realize jesus people are just like rabbits because rabbits would make the bed shake and not think twice. or whatever YOU think about it, 'cause it's not my poem.
and the violence? do you need it? if you need it, tell me why. in the poem. i get a really clear glimpse into why when you mention pierced nipples, but that TWO WORDS of your whole poem and you need to keep the theme going from the beginning or lose it purposefully.
lemme know if you have questions, love. keep pushing it and lemme know if you post a second version.
good luck!
Wow, this is so real. The truth in this piece is almost scary like you pulled it from your very thoughts. At first the format and lack of capitalization through me off, but now that I have read it the lack gives it so much. I normally enjoy poems that are clean, neat, organized but this poem really works the way it was written. However I am a little confused about the third stanza. The wording really through me off, especially the second and third lines. It would great improve your poem if you reworded the lines to be clearer. Otherwise I adore this piece I like the references to like seeders and leachers, and of course omegele and the ads on the sidebar. Keep Writing! - Tori